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Hi people!
I am so happy I actually managed to not take that long to write this chapter. I hope you enjoy it :)
Its song is "Memories" by You Know Who 😉😂
Enjoy!
Xxx,
Sara
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Sadie's POV:
Ok Sadie, you can do this. Just one school day, and then it's the weekend and you can go back into hiding from everyone.
I continue to try to convince myself not to swap into my pyjamas again and crawl back into my bed as I analyze my outfit, which was quite dark for my usual. A black t-shirt with "Guess" written in black sparkles on it, dark grey skinny jeans and black converses. I usually don't like to wear so dark clothes, but this felt right. It matched my mood. I didn't do anything with my hair either, letting the loose thick waves my hair is made up of flow along my back.
Knowing that I was already going to be late, I slide open the jacket part of my wardrobe with no hurry, and just get a random jacket, and slide it on. It wasn't cold outside, but today I started the day with a double lesson of Physics which was in the Science lab; a room that was always freezing cold. Without even looking at my final outfit in front of the mirror, I grab my backpack and leave my room, and grab a cereal bar in the kitchen to eat in the car.
Usually I let Roger choose whatever station he liked to hear to, as I always put on my earphones. But today, the idea of hearing to music from my playlist; and very possibly come across one of his songs; seemed completely painful. As he drives out of my house, he turns on the radio of the car, and I find myself paying attention to it.
"And now we are about to play a song that was released over a year ago, but people still are obsessed with it. Certainly one of the most requested songs on this station, aren't I right, Pedro?" The commentator asks his partner.
"Oh yes certainly, Thomas. It is one of my personal favourites from him, to be honest. Can't wait for his next album, which will be out in a month. Make sure to pre-order it! And now playing: "What if I told you a Story" by Shawn Me-"
I didn't even let the guy finish announcing it, I already say, "Roger, change the station please." I was polite with my words, however my tone were rispid and rude involuntarily. He gave me a side look, finding weird my attitude, still not reaching for the button to change it. I waited the most patiently I could, but then I couldn't anymore, as I heard the first guitar notes of the song, causing my heart to clench in pain and memories rush through my mind.
"Roger change the-" I was about to reapeat my request basically shouting at him, when Shawn sings the first syllable of the song, and my hand goes flying agressively onto the button. I was suprised I hadn't broken the button with the force I hit it with, and my body seems to relax after not hearing to that song anymore.
I let whatever station I changed to be, when another whole different song starts. There was nothing special about it, but just the sound of guitar strums and piano notes; the mere sound of music; left me completely in pain, memories of us playing together or just sharing earphones and singing along or of him performing with all his heart flooding my mind. With all these thoughts on my mind, I reach my arm forwards, and turn out the radio once and for all.
I arrive at the door of my homeroom 5 minutes late, but I just walk in, just like usual tardy students do. With me walking in, everyone in the room turns their head to me to see who was the late one, and realizing it was me, the chattering dims down a bit.
"Did you-?"
"Yes, I saw it, they broke up."
"Aw I feel bad for her. Th amount of hate..."
"Yeah...But I wonder what happened?"
These are just a few of the words I hear exchanged by my classmates, especially between girls, and I instantly felt uncomfortable with this amount of attention. With my think hair loose, I try to hide myself as much as I can behind it.
"Sadie I'm sorry but I'm going to have to mark you as late." Mr. Travis tells me with an apologetic look, knowing of my liking towards a perfect attendance. But now I really don't care. I just shrug, and walk over to my usual seat near Bailey, Violet and Ella (this year we managed to stay all together in the same homeroom), which thankfully was free.
"Good morning." I say in a low tone to my friends, whom were looking at me with looks of pure sympathy. Though I didn't feel it was a good morning at all.
"Sadie, you're back!" Bailey celebrates, her tone cheery and her expression carefree. "Sooo... how's Shawn?"
I flinch at the sound of his name, and I simply stare at her in disbelief, just like Violet and Ella were doing. Was she really teasing me about the break up?
Her eyebrows mush together in confusion at our reaction, not understanding. "Um, did I say something I shouldn't?"
"Yes Bailey." Violet says with a sigh, in a careful, warning tone, trying to tell her just by eye contact for her not to be mention him. But Bailey was Bailey. And she didn't catch on to things very quickly.
"Was it because I mentioned Shawn? What's wrong with-"
"Just don't speak. Check your phone." Ella stops her before she mentions him a third time, and immediately whips out her phone. Then she types and, seconds later, Bailey is reading a text. Her eyes go wide with shock, and in a second, so was she looking at me apologetically.
"Girls, I'm fine." I lie, trying to convince myself of that too. But it doesn't work, as all of them continue to look at me apologetically, ignoring my comment completely. We are finally dismissed to our first period, and having lessons near each other, I drag Violet with me to my lockers so I can get my things. We remain silent as I get my notebooks, and feel her eyes glued to my arms. What's wrong with them?
I turn to her and notice the continous apologetic look as she looks at my torso, and confused, I follow her gaze and look down at myself.
My heart skips as I realize what's wrong, and I immediately lay my notebooks aside so I can take my jacket off: The jacket that was made of black leather and was a bit too big on me, though not as big like it once had been when he had given it to me back in New York.
I throw the jacket into my locker before I close it shut, and remembering that I have Physics now, Violet asks, "You want my hoodie? I have this extra one in my backpack if you want it."
I smile, feeling grateful for my friend. "Yes, thank you. I would have frozen to death." I say.
"Oh, I know, I remember how cold it can get in that lab."
The day continued slowly, me not paying attention in any class at all. I was now in my English class, when Mrs. Meyers asks for the homework.
With what happened, I didn't even care of doing it, and as I told her that I didn't, she didn't complain. When the ocasion of not giving in homework is rare for a student, they let it pass. But I couldn't help but feel horrible, like I was disappointing her and the rest of my teachers. I worked so hard to make my parents and teachers proud, so whenever I did the opposite, I felt awful.
Finally, the last lesson of the day comes, and even though I was relieved that the day was nearly over, this lesson was the one I was dreading the most. In our Music lessons, we had been focusing on our composition, so by the time our exams arrived, we would be amazing and have a good grade.
I walk over and sit on my usual chair next to Aria and Sean, the only two friends that remained doing Music lessons. The others had dropped out, but both Aria and Sean wanted to do something involved with music for their living.
I still didn't know anything though.
"Sadie?" Mr. Brown calls me, snapping me out of my thoughts which had nothing to do with the lesson.
"Yes sir?" I ask.
"Why don't you come to the front and show your song?"
My heart suddenly stops, my whole body going cold. The thought of touching piano keys seemed so painful, so scary, like if every time I touched a key a painful shock would go through me.
I reluctantly stand up and walk over behind the piano to take my seat. My hand moves forwards to press down on one white key, however my trembling hand stops in the air, not pressing down.
You can do this. Come on Sadie. Just one song.
Just one.
I take a deep breath, and bracing myself, I press three keys at the same time with my right hand, making the first chord of the song. Just the raw sound of the piano made memories flood my mind, a certain smile and pair of light brown eyes; one of them lazy; appearing on my mind, and my heart swells with hurt.
I immediately take my hand away and push my chair back to stand up, making as much distance as I can between the piano and I, as if it was some sort of torturing device that would make me feel worse the closer I stood. "I can't." I say, shaking my head desperately.
My teacher's brows furrow, not understanding my reaction. "That's nonsense Sadie, you played this song several times."
Yes I played, but that was before he left me. Back when I thought what we had was really real and special. The song I had written was about that, and how no matter how big the distance was, we would make it.
How I was so wrong.
"No, I can't play it. I refuse to play it." I say and gulp, scared of my teacher's reaction. He didn't seem mad, but his expression showed something much worse: he was disappointed.
The second person this day. I hated to do this so much.
The moment I got home that day, I sped out of the car, and flew into the house and up the stairs, my backpack swinging from one of my shoulders. I couldn't wait to go back to the safe haven that my bed was, protecting me from the world outside. I could feel the little that I had collected of my pieces this morning falling apart once more as I ran up the stairs, and suddenly, I was flying onto the ground, my knee and stomach hitting the marble stairs after I trip on the step before the last.
I was sprawled on the floor, just like every single piece of me was. My pieces were completely scattered apart, and even though I tried this morning to glue them back together, they didn't fit.
I feel my eyes tearing up, noticing how much of a mess I was: disappointing people I work so hard to make proud, refusing to play music. I was miserable because of something he did for the total opposite: my happiness.
Since I found music, I had clinged to it so much, knowing that no matter what happened, it would always be there. However when music remembers me so much of him, I had nothing.
I was nothing. Nothing more than a broken girl.
He had fixed me. He had picked up every single piece of me and even found some that were missing, and glued them back together. However I broke again, and without him, I had no clue how to repair myself.
Suddenly, the truth comes at my face so harshly, tears pour out of my eyes even more.
Without even realizing it, I let myself become so dependent of him. Whenever I was in the dark, I would find light with him, either with his music or him himself. I let him fix me all by himself whenever I fell apart, and now that I didn't have him anymore, no one was here to pick my pieces up and put me back in my place. I am here on the floor, and unlike how once Shawn came to pick me up and carry me in his arms to safety, this time I have no one.
I am all by myself to do this now.
How am I going to do this?
I have no clue.
But Shawn ended things for a reason, and that was for me to be happy.
He makes me happy. But even though I don't agree with his opinion that I can find someone "who I deserve", his sacrifice couldn't get thrown out of the window.
I had to at least try to be happy, if not for him, for me.
I slowly stand up from the ground, my knee and ankle aching from the fall, but I shove the pain away. I had no freaking clue how I was going to fix myself all alone.
But I was going to do it.
I walk into my bedroom, where my eyes immediately fall onto my piano, and this time, I walk over to it not afraid, and sit down on the stool in front of it. I let my fingers flow over the keys with a mind of its own, letting all I was feeling being transformed into music. Just like before, memories flashed through my mind, memories that created a certain longing inside of me.
However, this time, I wasn't viewing the memories as something sad, something I didn't have anymore. I viewed them as what I used to have: something beautiful and real, moments I felt happy.
It was sad that I didn't have it anymore. But I couldn't simply pretend that it never happened. They were memories, after all.
After what I think was an hour of me playing and letting it out, I grab my songwriting notebook and start jotting down words, making this a whole new song. It was different from the songs I had written before, but it came truly from my heart.
As I sing and play along on my piano, I suddenly hear my phone vibrate against my desk, and curiosity taking over, I pick it up, and read the text I had just received. My eyes go wide with surprise, though I didn't know why. Since I forgave him, he has tried really hard with showing that he is truly sorry.
Jason: hey Sadie! So im with Serena playing Super Smash Bros, and i thought u would like to join us? U love this game, and i thought it would be cool with everything going on...
I was about to type him a denial, the idea of leaving the house after staying the whole day craving it being incredibly upsetting.
I had to at least try to be happy.
I sigh as the thought crosses my mind. I loved that game, why wouldn't I go play? It could cheer me up and take my mind off things. It was a good idea, and a good first step towards my goal.
Making my final decision, I look at my phone again and type him a reply.
Sadie: sure, that sounds cool, thank u. Be right there in like twenty minutes