Going back after a long vacation is always the hardest. Summer had always been fun for all. Nobody wants it to end. The ridiculous amount of free time that you have that doesn't seem to end and all of the fun things you do that you weren't able to do during school days beats sitting in a class of thirty people or cramming for a long test. Letting go of all those is hard.
But it's not about that why it's so hard for me to get back. This last few weeks of summer wasn't all about those things. This summer, I grieved. This summer, I lost my girlfriend.
Her name was Leah, and she was everything to me. She was the one person that made me excited to go to my classes. She was the person who make me wish that the day will not end. And she was the person who always made me know that the next day will be more wonderful than today because she will be there.
But all of that is gone now.
To tell you it's hard, sums up what I feel. To tell you that it devastated me, that my heart was pulled and shredded in front of my eyes the moment I saw her coffin was in sight, that everything good in my world laid there lifeless, was how I actually feel ever since that day.
At first, I thought it was some cruel joke some heartless monster came up with. That somewhere within the house, Leah is laughing at my reaction. But it all became real right at the moment I saw her inside that coffin. She really is dead. Her lifeless body laid there within the cold confines of that horrible box I desperately wanted to destroy. Her face will never again smile at me, and her eyes will never again be full of love and joy. It was all too real.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to take that bastard that was too tired to drive that hit her to hell. I wanted to take her body out of that coffin and carry her with me, hold her in my arms and never let go.
But I can't. I desperately, needed to, wanted to, but I can't. She wouldn't let me do it. She wouldn't want me to do it.
The world just stopped existing then. It took out the best of me. What was left died each day since.
What makes it harder is that no one knows who she was to me. Leah was not allowed to have a boyfriend. We agreed that we wouldn't tell anyone until the right time came. Our friends, our family, everyone we knew was kept in the dark. And because of it, I have no one to confide on.
I thought of telling her parents the truth, but I didn't want them to get mad. They wouldn't understand. They would have kept me away. And most of all, all they knew of their daughter was how she was the perfect daughter. I wouldn't want to ruin that. I didn't want to bring more pain to them. It was already too much to lose her. Telling it to them would just bring more unnecessary suffering to their grieving.
Much worse is that I can't tell my folks either. They'll look at me with pity. They'll continually remind me of her loss. And more importantly, they'll try and convince me to tell her parents about it. I already have myself fighting the urge to tell them. I already have myself to remind her she's gone. I don't want anyone else doing it.
The same goes with our friends. They'll only see me as the guy whose girlfriend died. They will always treat the topic of Leah as sensitive. They'll avoid anything about Leah like she never existed. I can't have that. They were her friends. They should be allowed to grieve.
I want to just mourn her. It's all I can think of every waking moment. It was all I can think of doing. But I don't want to remember her dead. I don't want anybody reminding me that she's dead.
Studying might just be what I need now. It's a good distraction; a refuge that I can be in.
But as I entered the hall, my memories of her came flooding back. So many of our friends reminded me of her. Her locker, the idle chat between her friends, my attempt to manage my locker; all of my memories of our time together came rushing in. All of who she was assaulted me at once. And all of what she will not be came like a flood.
It was too much.
I wouldn't be able to go through the day without shedding a tear. I've had too much to remember to be able to hold things together. There is only one place I know where I can grieve; the edge of the campus. There, maybe I can burn away some of my sorrows and have the strength to at least appear normal.
I managed to make it there after passing a few buildings. This part of the campus is both its edge and the start of the mountainous forest. Trees are everywhere, and the smell of earth and decaying matter permeated the air. Fresh air is in abundance here. Moving farther in, there's a field of grass that one can lie on.
In the few times I visited here, I know no one will be here. This place has never been a favorite among the students because it was too far out from everything. The grassy field is also not known to many as it involved actually going in to the forest. Being here will help clear my mind of her.
The tears started burning at the edge of my eyes as I realized what this place meant to me. This was the place we first met. And many of my memories of her happened here. This was our secret place. It was here that I first saw her writing her poems. Her solemnness, the way her auburn hair was swept by the wind, and the smile that brightened her face when she thought about a new stanza caught my eye.
Remembering our first meeting brought my depression more. It made me break into unstoppable sobs. If anyone would hear me they'll know that I lost someone. I wanted to stop. I should stop, but I just couldn't make myself do it. There were only a few times that I cried for her, and that has been a while. I just want to let go; release everything all at once. And maybe forget about everything after it.
Who am I kidding? She meant so much to me. She always made me smile each day, made everyday living better than yesterday. Her heart completed mine. And now she was gone.
It wasn't just her that died that day. Every part of me that's capable of loving, all died with her.
When the bell rang, it shook me out of my thoughts. It was a warning that classes are about to start. I knew then that I should get back. Right now, I just want to start this year as if nothing ever happened. I should just drown myself with studies to try and numb my loss.
I thought going back would make it easier for me to forget about her, but when I opened the door to my room, I couldn't be more wrong. I was at the same class as Andrea, her twin. Of all the things that could make it much harder, it was this that I wasn't expecting. Andrea is the identical twin of Leah that studied in a different university, and now, it looks like she transferred here.
I expected that my school year will be more of a distraction to me since there would be tons of things I have to do. I thought that somehow, this place would help my mind occupied. But with her in my class, a strong reminder of her sister, it would make it more of an everyday reminder that she was gone.
I don't hate her. In fact, I like her. She urged her sister to get a boyfriend, despite her parents' objection on it. She confided in her that she likes someone, but left my identity out. When we're with her she teased me and Leah and made a lot of innuendos about me and her. In some way, she was the cause of our relationship.
She doesn't know who I was to her sister. But I knew who she was to her. Andrea was always the weak one between the two of them and Leah was always there for her sister. Whenever she can't do things, Leah volunteers to do it for her. Leah had cheered her and encouraged her to do more, to push harder and to stay strong.
Andrea in return was very thankful of her sister. She would make little things for her like desserts for lunch or a helping hand in her projects. She supported Leah during her badminton competition, and she was her number two fan. I was of course number one.
They are the closest siblings I know. They tease each other every time I came to visit and she at one point suspected that we were dating. She always said that even though she was the shoulder her sister had always depended on to, Andrea was like the sun that made her day bright.
And who she is to her only made me remember Leah more.
I thought of ignoring her but when she waved her arms over my direction, I knew she was calling me.
"Nick, over here." She shouted.
I took a big breath first before I made my way to her. It would take a lot of effort to not remember Leah. "Hey Andrea," I managed to say. "How are you?"
"Coping, but, life has to continue right?" she said casually. "How about you?"
"Fine, actually. Just, doing normal day stuff," I managed to lie. "I'm sorry..." I was about to say about her sister but she cut me off.
"Please don't mention it. We all are." She said with a sad smile. "Now can we start the year without thinking about it? I just want a new start to make all the sadness go away okay?"
"Sure," I said almost convincingly. "So have you met anyone yet?" I asked to steer off topic. I was barely keeping myself composed at the topic of Leah. It was better if we talk something else.
"I already know some of Leah's friends so it wasn't hard for me to be here." She pointed towards Leah's group. "It's great to know Leah a little more when I'm here."
"Okay." I said. Seeing Leah's friends without her around them brought a new pang in my heart. "I'll just sit over there." I pointed to a seat far away from her. I don't want to see things that reminded me of Leah. "If you need anything, just let me know okay?" I said almost turning towards where I'll seat.
"Can you come sit with me at lunch then?" she hurriedly asked.
"Sure, okay." I said already walking towards it.
The truth is I hate seating at the back of the class. I only took this seat because it was the farthest from her. It was already hard for me to deal with her death, but to see a reflection of her every day is just torture. She was so much like her, yet she was not her.
I wasn't planning to get acquainted with her but she was a good friend to her sister as well. Maybe if I befriended her, I'll know more about her that I never knew. Maybe I'll feel that I didn't lose her. Also, I couldn't just throw away everything that was about her. It was too early for me.
When lunch time came, I dreaded on walking to the cafeteria. I was having a debate with myself to look for her or to avoid her. If I talked to her, I'll only be reminded of Leah, but if I don't, I feel like I'm severing my connection from Leah. Both hurts, and I couldn't run away from both. I had to pick one choice.
I was just done paying for my food when I noticed someone waving her hand. I knew who it was even though I haven't seen the rest of her. The bracelet that she is wearing was just like her twin's.
"Hey Nick!" She shouted.
"Hey Andrea." I sounded like she caught me hiding from her. "Found a seat?" I said trying to sound enthusiastic.
"I actually wanted somewhere we can be alone. Know any place?"
"Actually I don't."
I lied not because I didn't want to entertain her, but because I wouldn't be able to cope up with the barrage of emotions I still have for her twin. To see her without any distraction is just too sorrowful to me that I may just start sobbing again.
"Leah mentioned to me one. I think it's just right around here. Will you point me there?"
"Sure."
Actually, I don't want to do this, but I couldn't refuse her. It would be like refusing her sister. I didn't want that. The one thing I couldn't stand was to see her disappointed. It was like looking at Leah disappointed too.
It turns out, Leah mentioned to her where I was this morning. This was our place. Being with her here is like being with Leah, again. She even brought the favorite foods Leah eats. Just when I thought that I was about to burst in tears, she brought her knees to her head and tears just flowed from her eyes.
I laid down for a moment to catch my bearings because I wasn't able to take it anymore and had to let my own flow too. When I believe that I could I straightened up I rubbed her back.
"I transferred here because I wanted to feel who she was. I wanted to be near here again. And there was so much of her here. It was always as she described it. I'm sorry if I invited you here to just see me cry."
"It's okay." Even if it was not.
She was still in mourning, and I can feel that.
"I even bought her favorites. And I know you were the closest to her. God, I miss her. I miss her so much."
I know what she's feeling. I was there on the first day. She refused to leave her sister's side during the wake. She entertained everyone that got in, served them well and stayed beside her coffin. When it was finally time to lay her body to rest, she still refused to leave the graveyard until her tomb was sealed.
In the days that followed after, I still see her visiting and crying alone. I had to wait for hours at a time for her to leave. She loved her so much. The bond between them was not something death can break.
"Nick, you're crying."
The burn in my eyes only became prominent when she told me. It was true. I was crying. A lot.
"Yeah, she was a good friend, and the way you cried made me empathic." I said while wiping tears from my eyes.
"Who are you to her, really?" She asked me suspiciously.
"A very good friend," was all I can say.
Actually, I'm her secret boyfriend. The one who's been wallowing alone in the corner all summer long about her death. The one she left behind prematurely. The one who now had to face her phantom almost every freaking day without anyone knowing that I'm hurting inside.
All of a sudden, I felt her wrap around her arms to me.
"You're one of the last connections that I have to her. I just feel like I'm falling Nick. And every day makes it harder for me to hold on."
She felt like her sister. And the sorrow that she feels is like what I do as well. I couldn't help myself to wrap my arms around her. With her here, she felt, alive. She felt like she was still with me.
It's hard seeing her this way. She was the closest to Leah than anyone else. And she went here searching for her. Or what was left of her. I couldn't deny her that. And so with a deep breath, I spoke.
"I'm going to tell you something about your sister, but you have to promise me that you wouldn't tell anyone about it."
"What is it?"
I breathe in deep to steel myself for this one.
"Your sister and I, we, we were more than just friends. She was my girlfriend."