I stopped going to office after I was discharged two days later. I had Rishi hand my resignation to the office. Adams was taken into custody and so there is new temporary boss, Mr. Joseph. After loosing Racheal, I am a new man. Looking into the mirror even I can't recognize myself. I spoke to Elham couple of times, even she sensed my different avatar. I didn't tell anything and insisted I will tell once I come to India. She didn't question me and understood my situation. I feel grateful to have an understanding friend like her. I want to meet her and confide everything to her, hug her and cry. Cry my eyes out. I know it's only with Elham I can be myself, show my vulnerable side.
She won't judge me; she knows me more than I know myself. Thinking about her I feel lighter. Seeing my trauma Mamma has decided to permanently shift to India, there is nothing left here anyways.
First I lost Dad to another woman and now I lost the love of my life. The more I stay here, the more I am traumatized. Here along with my friends Mamma had been my emotional support, though she had met Racheal only once for a brief moment the day she had fainted but that won't be counted as she hardly remembers who had visited her that day but she has heard about her and so knows my feelings for her.
At times when I miss Racheal more than usual, I rest my head-on Mamma's lap and cry like a baby. She caresses my hair but doesn't tell anything, I will at peace after I open up to my mother. It's only Mamma and Elham in front of whom I can be who I am, the real Juwaid Zafar Ali.
Every night, after Mamma sleeps I sneak out taking the spare key. I stand outside Racheal's building and look up at the window of her apartment.
It pains me to be standing on the same spot where I lost Racheal yet I come here because my memories of Racheal are attached here and it holds a special place.
Finally, the day arrived for us to shift to India. Our flight is at night; Mamma is doing the last-minute packing while I pace in my room. I feel restless, before I leave for India I was hoping Adams is caught.
That afternoon just after I and Mamma had our lunch I hear the door-bell. I ask my mother to not worry as I will get the door.
I opened the door and find two policemen standing on the other side.
'Yes?'
'Mr. Ali. We have finally nabbed the shooter, and he confessed everything... (I held my breath as they continue) and you were right Adams had paid this shooter...we have caught him too' one of the policeman say.
I am relieved and very happy that Racheal's killers are behind bar. The policemen assured me that they will be punished. Adams ex-wife also has come out to give testimony against Adams proving that he is abusive and very dominating person. All this will go against him and he will surely be sentenced for lifetime imprisonment. I am satisfied that justice has been done. The policemen also hand me an envelope; I look at them clueless as I take the envelope from them.
They say, they searched Racheal's apartment and found two letters. One in which she had written that she fears her life might be at risk from Adams (this again will be a strong evidence against him) and another letter which she left for me.
After they had left I hurried to my room and lock myself in. With trembling fingers, I opened the letter. Bringing it close to my face I sniffed her perfume. Tears roll from my eyes as I recollect her fragrance. Her memories flashing in front of my eyes.
I quickly wiped my tears and begin to read the letter
Juwaid,
When I was young I lost all faith in love and good men but with you coming in my life all of that changed. Being with you I felt different, I felt at peace. We started off as friends but there was something more that I had started to feel for you. I took some while to understand this feeling...sort this strange feeling.
Being around you, my heart fluttered I felt butterflies in my stomach and all the clichés that we read about in novels and see in movies. When I realized, I love you, I wasted no time in confessing. You are very handsome, understanding and caring...and too perfect...I didn't want to waste time and have you slip from my hands.
When you had confessed, you love me too, I was on ninth cloud. Being with you is like living in a fairytale. When we had kissed, it was nothing like I had ever experienced and after our kiss I realized how much I love you...I was confirmed now about my feelings.
But then my fairy tale soon ended when I realized the grim reality of my life. I wanted to be your lover and perhaps someday your wife but the reality is that I am stuck in a very dirty web. I wanted to tell you everything about Adams and me, but I was afraid. Afraid that you will leave me and no matter what I never want to loose you.
I decided that I will end all with Adams and start fresh with you, after marriage I had planned to tell you everything. I am relieved that you didn't judge me and accepted me with my past. The respect, love and trust that I had for you increased a million times more.
But, I know what I am getting into by messing with Adams, he is threatening me and I know my life is numbered. Adams is powerful and ruthless businessman. He holds grudges and never spare the ones who hurt him. And by choosing you over him I have hurt his ego and so I am sure I will not be spared.
I know...I might not be able to live all the beautiful moments that I have planned to live with you.
I know you love me a lot but please Juwaid for my sake, if in case something happens to me please Juwaid, you don't stop living your life. You and your happiness is what matters to me the most. I am not sure if tomorrow I will there with you or not, I don't know if we do have a future or we are doomed. No matter what the future has in store for us, you please be happy in your life. Please don't stop living.
I am sure you will get someone better, someone who is perfect for you. With no flaws and not dirty as me. Please move on in your life, Juwaid. Be happy and don't sulk for a girl like me. I don't deserve you. You deserve better.
But I am happy that if I die I will be dying being in love with you and being loved by someone as perfect as you, as good as you. Honestly I am surprised to have you in my life, a girl like me don't deserve a man like you. I consider myself lucky to have gotten your love and only that matters to me. But I have had my share of your love, and if my life ends here I really hope and pray that you get to share this beautiful feeling of being in love with your true love, your soulmate.
I love you, Juwaid. I can't describe in words how much I love you...Though we never shared a physically intimate relationship but your relationship was intimate in a different way... in a special way.
I love you with all my heart and soul. I was and am only yours and I can happily die being yours.
Yours, Racheal Miller
By the time I finish reading the letter more tears make their way through my cheeks. I caressed the letter, I noticed few dry tear stains in the last para. I kissed the letter and neatly fold keeping it safely in my laptop bag. I freshened up and quickly fixed myself, I don't want my mother to see me like this. She is also shaken by the incident, I lost Racheal and she almost lost her son who is her only support and happiness.
As I flip through the magazine in the plane I ponder over my future. I don't know what turn my life is going to take from here, but for now I am looking forward to meet Elham.
My mother soon sleeps off but I kept re reading Racheal's letter, and there is one thing I decided then that I can never move on from Racheal, I won't be able to give any other girl that place in my heart, I won't be able to love someone else with the same intensity as I loved Racheal. I realized then that maybe...perhaps I am not meant for love and it's not meant for me. A part of me died that night with Racheal.
I soon doze off hugging Racheal's letter close to my heart.
*
I and Mamma walk out of the airport, all the formalities and baggage claims were done quickly. My mother is dressed in simple blue saree while I chose to wear lavender shirt and mustard pants. I fish out my sunglasses and quickly wear it. It is Summer here, and Delhi is really hot at this time of the year.
I must admit I feel like a total angrez as I stand outside the airport fanning my face. My mother is looking around; unlike me she has a smile on her face.
I glance at watch; it's getting late but there is no sign of Elham. She was supposed to pick us up.
She has never been punctual and it has always annoyed me. Many cab drivers start bombarding us with requests to take a ride in their cab, one of them had held on our baggage and was about to take it. I had to technically snatch it from him.
I make one of the suitcase lie flat on the ground and helped my mother sit on it. I hurried and got my dollars exchanged and got a water bottle. The shopkeeper looks at me awkwardly as I enquired if the water is hygienic and safe to drink. He shakes his head and mutters something bitterly under his breath. I couldn't hear what he said but guessing from his expressions I know it's nothing pleasant.
We wait for five more before, 'Fatto!' I hear Elham's voice, I helped my mother stand. Then I see Elham rush towards us. This is the first time I am seeing Elham in person after so many years. And she looks different in flesh and blood. She looks pretty dressed in red printed high low hem sleeveless Kurthi, I noticed her office ID and guessed she has come straight from work.
'Khala!' she says happily and hugs my mother, she hugs her back. I smile slightly, Elham is so bubbly and so full of live. She is always like an overjoyed kid.
I and Mamma both are surprised as she hugs me tightly. I didn't even get to respond and she moves away. A porter comes and insists he takes our luggage but Elham shooed him off, but he kept pestering us.
I cringe at her language; she gives really hardcore Hindi slangs while arguing with the porter. I am glad Mamma doesn't understand new slangs.
As we walk towards her car she keeps chattering, how she struggled to get some time off from work and how she must rush back again.
I helped Elham keep the luggage in the back of her car. I used to drive American cars and so I found it awkward at first. I sit in the passenger seat while Mamma sits in the back seat.
Throughout the car journey Elham keeps blabbering about how upset she is that she won't be getting much time to spend with us. And how Khadus her boss, Saif is. Mamma is also surprised that Saif is her boss, she too remembers Saif, honestly who can forget him.
I stepped out of the car and into the campus of the locality I had left behind fifteen years ago. The compound is still the same, only the population and number of buildings have increased. There were total of three tall buildings when I had last been here in the locality. But now here stands five tall building,
AB Apartment I, AB Apartment II, AB Apartments III, AB Apartments IV and AB Apartments V. We had brought the apartments since its inception and hence ours is AB Apartment I. It's the oldest standing apartment here.
I still remember the day I had left; I was crying my eyes out and for the first time even Elham had been crying. I and Elham were clinging onto each other not willingly to let go. Our fathers had to literally peel us off each other. I cried like a baby sticking my head out from the car looking back at the disappearing figure of Elham and her family. Elham was held by Saima Khala else she would have run behind the cab; it sounds really filmy but it would have happened.
The only person laughing at our pathetic state was Saif. I had heard, from Elham of course, few years later Saif too had shifted to a posher locality and then shifting to his own mansion.
As we stand in the lift Elham goes on about how Saima Khala has prepared lavish lunch for us and again she isn't able to help. I massage my forehead, God! What will she take to shut up? Mamma surprisely doesn't mind and is happily listening to her constant blabber.
Soon the lift stops on third floor and we emerge out. I and Elham dragged the luggage. Elham stops in front of the door. I recognize the door; nothing has changed in the inside of the building. My heart rate increases as Elham rings the doorbell. I glance at my mother nervously, she seems excited and eager.
I and Elham and our families have done video call numerous times but seeing them in person will surely be different. Soon enough the door opens and we see Saima Khala's beaming face. She is dressed in a lavender salwar suit with heavy golden work done on it. Her Dupatta neatly placed on her head and good amount of makeup on her face. Looks like she is prepared for a party. I smile at her; she loves dressing up even if it's nothing special like today.
'Zeenat!'
'Saima'
The mothers hug, after Saima Khala separates from Mamma she looks at me. I smile at her; she eyes me from top to bottom and my smile widens.
'Ya Allah! Juwaid, you have grown up to be such a tall and handsome boy. MashaAllah' she says caressing my face with her palms. Saima Khala is short so she has to tiptoe high to reach my level.
'Ma, should we stand here all day' Elham says impatiently. Saima Khala glares at her. She then moves aside letting us in.
'Zeenat, Asalam Aliakum' we hear, Javed Khalu, Elham's father' booming voice greet us. Mamma and Saima Khala aren't real sister yet they are more like real sisters and so, I and Elham, call them Khala.
Javed Khalu is retired professor, he had retired last year much on Elham's insistence. He greets Mamma humbly and smiles at me. He walks up to me, he is only few inches shorter than me. He places his hand on my shoulder and smiles.
'Welcome Beta!' he says and I smile.
'Ma, you take Zeenat Khala to my room and I will take Juwaid to the guest room' Elham says and she quickly grabs my luggage and starts to wheel the bag to an extra room in the extreme left of the flat.
The apartment is fairly large with three bedrooms and one guest room, the guest room is small and in many flats this room is made into a storeroom. I follow Elham into the room. The room seems to be recently painted as I can still feel the smell of the paint. The walls have been painted, red. There is a single bed in the center and a bedside table and a recently added cupboard. The room looks like a makeshift bed room. I am not complaining though, soon I and Mamma will be shifting to our old home. Perhaps next month.
I sit at the edge of the bed.
'Fatto' Elham says excitedly and hugs me again. I hug her back.
'I can't believe you have come...I am so happy' she says
I wanted to tell her everything that happened with Racheal but I didn't feel now was the right time as Elham had to hurry.
'Fatto...I want to tell you something...'she says sitting beside me. I nod. She smiles and sticks out her left hand.
I am surprised to see a diamond silver engagement ring. She smiles shyly
'Acha Haina?' she says
I nod. She then stands up and bids me goodbye promising to reveal everything when she is back from office.
I am genuinely happy for her. Love is indeed a very beautiful feeling and Elham looks so much in love. Much like how I was before my love story was brutally murdered before my eyes. I am happy at least Elham is going to have a happy ending to her love story. I take my causals and go out of the room.
There is no attached bathroom in this room, so I have to use Elham's bathroom which is the closest from my room.
Recollecting Elham's happyface I have been reminded of Racheal and now I am missing her terribly, as thehot water drench me I cry reminiscing those blissful days with Racheal, myRacheal.:325747}{&