Uh..... Mom got flowers delivered to her today. Beautiful red roses, carnations and daisies. Red is my Mom's favorite color.
Big Chris sent them. The card said "Get well soon. I love you. -Chris" Because she has a respiratory infection and has strep throat.
At around 6 tonight I was playing with my nephew and Big Chris just walks in the door. Yep. I noticed first and my eyes went wide and I started laughing because Of course he would do this. Mom didn't notice it was him until she heard him drop his bag and she looked over and her jaw dropped. He made her go upstairs to talk. I stayed downstairs with my nephew and they were upstairs for about 20 minutes. He came down crying and sat next to me on the couch and said...
"Lexis, I am sorry for all the things I have ever said to you." I got up and walked upstairs.
He doesn't get to do that. After 8 years of him physically abusing my mom and verbally and mentally abusing all of us, he does not deserve forgiveness. He deserves to be 6 feet under and rotting in hell. I hate him!
I was told that I should be the bigger person and atop acting like a child because I walked away without even acknowledging his apology.
If someone were to hand you a hook and rope and told you....
"Here, go kill yourself like your dad did!" on NUMEROUS occasions... Not just once.... Would you forgive them?
I'm not. I can't do that. I won't do that.
I am depressed. I am behind on my school work. I have 1 friend and I barely ever see her. I do nothing. I have no life.
When I was 11, I was diagnosed with severe depression. I have been to 4 psychiatrists since I was 11 and they have all told me the same thing. "You are severely depressed!" No shit. I know that.
It has gotten worse over the years. I think about suicide more often. If I didn't have so many people depending on me... Mostly my nephew.... I would not be here.
I hate it. I am crying right now writing this.
I hate this shitty life. I know people have it worse but this is fucking terrible and I don't know how long I can hold on.