~Felix~
"If I ever want a pet, shoot me!"
Tears were streaming down Archer face uninterrupted. His hands were thrown wildly around. I crushed my chest against his and my arms went around his back.
"I'm sorry", I whispered in my husband's hair, kissing it.
He pushed out of the hug.
"I'm being dramatic, aren't I? I didn't even know him all that much", he said.
"You loved him anyway"
"I feel like such a failure! If I can't handle a kitten how will I handle kids?" he said.
"Pancakes..." I said and he cut in.
"He barely survived a month!"
I put my hands on his arms in an effort to restrain him.
"Pancakes listen to me. Green eyes was already sick! There was nothing you could have done to save him"
"I could have..." he said desperately.
"You could have done nothing. We did everything right. He was already sick!"
"Maybe if I spotted the paralyzed pupils..."
"Baby, he had Feline infectious peritonitis, an incurable disease! A few hours didn't make a difference", I tried explaining. I knew Archer didn't want rational, but I gave it to him anyway.
"I don't want a pet ever again. I don't want kids!" he said storming off into our bedroom.
I sighed. I was reluctant about Green eyes when he first came into our lives. He was a stray cat and I generally wasn't a fan of cats. On the day Archer brought him home, I realized his eyes weren't reacting to light. They were permanently dilated, even after the camera flash went off several times, and the room was bright already. He didn't seem to be seeing anything at all.
Archer asked to hold off looking for the owner in case they turned out to be "uncaring" and we took Green eyes to the vet. The worst was confirmed. He was sick with one of the worst diseases a cat could have. It was fatal and treatment was only palliative.
We watched him deteriorate. He had no appetite and lost his vision completely. We got some medicine to slow down the progression, but his low-immunity made the disease progress faster. 3 weeks later he was dead.
It hit Archer hard.
After he left I stood in the middle of the living area, wondering what to do. His last words echoed in my head.
"I don't want kids!"
He'd never experienced loss before. Everyone he'd ever loved was still alive. Losing something he loved so soon was making him irrational and fearful. It was perfectly natural. He didn't want to feel like he was feeling at that moment ever again. I could tell him he was being irrational or I could leave him alone.
I could also just lie next to him and say nothing. I was practical and rational; it was hard listening to him make irrational decisions and beat himself up over something that wasn't his fault. I had to override my instincts, let go and let him figure things out on his own, especially at that moment. Everything was still fresh.
I made my decision and walked in the direction of the bedroom. I opened the door gently. Archer was lying on the bed in fetal position. He was sobbing into the pillow.
I got onto the bed, lay close to him and put my arm around his waist. My chin nestled on his neck. I didn't say anything. I just listened to his heartbeat.
It was painful, not being able to do anything. I could tell him over and over again that it wasn't his fault, but that wouldn't make the pain disappear. I knew how it felt. I'd lost my mom to suicide. The pain didn't just disappear. It took time. Hell, if I hadn't met Archer I'd still be swimming in the pain but refusing to acknowledge it.
To see my husband sobbing into his pillow was heartbreaking. Knowing that he was in pain hurt like hell. I couldn't pin anyone against the wall or beat them senseless. I couldn't yell at anyone. Even if I could, it wouldn't help.
I felt my heart constrict. My hand went to his chest, feeling his heartbeat. He surprised me by putting his own hand over mine.
He didn't say anything, I didn't either. Yet we both understood. His heartbeat slowed down a bit. I took the moment to kiss him on his hair. God knows why I did it. I kissed his hair, the things on his head. It just felt so comforting to do that.
I felt him snuggle more into me. We lay like that for a while.
"I want kids", he said quietly.
"Mm", I said.
He turned towards me.
"It's scary, but I want them"
"We are not in a rush", I said stroking his hair.
"I got to...experience what it felt like being responsible for someone else. The doctor visits, the anxiety when they don't eat, not knowing what they are thinking..." he said. "Now that I think of it, it sounds like life with you", he said, with his eyes brightening.
I chuckled. "I'm glad to know being with me is equivalent to raising a child. But um, you didn't mean you want kids now, right?"
"Oh, hell no! I just wanted to let you know that I thought about it after my outburst. Losing Green eyes hurts, but it's life. To be happy you have to be vulnerable".
"I'm glad", I said.
"Thanks for being here"
"It's my job. I signed the contract, remember? You even put a collar on me", I said grinning, admiring my wedding ring.
"You should be happy I didn't put a tattoo on you", he said.
"That's a good idea!" I said.
His eyes widened. "I was joking!"
"I'm not".
"Uh..."
I took his right hand and placed it on my chest.
"When I'm old and have Alzheimer's disease, I want to always remember the person who saved my life. Maybe I won't remember the details, but I'll remember to be grateful to you", I said.
He smiled. "So where exactly will you have this thank you card you could easily buy at a cheap store?"
I tracked his fingers to the fading scar on my chest. "Right here", I said.
"Can I be there when you wince in pain?"
"I don't wince", I said.
He didn't say anything but placed his head slowly on my chest. I felt myself getting wet and realized he was crying again.
"Remember how he winced whenever I tried to feed him?" he said. "I miss him Felix". His voice was broken.
"I know, shh baby", I said, putting my arm around him.
I eventually got him to get inside the sheets.
"I'm going to miss him too", I admitted.
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