Chapter Eighteen – Flames and Shame
I stare at the antiqued paper in my hands, rereading the address and heading over and over. August 24th 1996. Dear Loving Sister. My breath gets jagged with the emotional distress rampaging in my mind. Lisa wrote this so long ago from when we believed we could take on the world. How can I tell her it’s not something I want anymore?
But I read on knowing I have to. Tears tickle the brim of my eyes as they skim the curling script.
August 24th 1996
Dear Loving Sister,
If you are reading this right now then I know you have already seen what the past has to offer. Death, heartbreak, lies. Too many things have happened and we as sisters lost sight of what is important. I am so sorry Emily but I do this out of love. We were never meant to scorn Spencings and think ourselves superior. It was the insanity of Ivette that consumed us, her hatred filling our hearts and the innocence we held dear cast out as result. Once I learned of the Peridot’s prophecy, I knew we have to be stopped. But since there will be no way where I can follow through with my plan without alerting Ivette, I will be buried. She is the strongest of us with her craft and even still knows there is something I hide from her. Whether or not I feel differently from her, I must continue with your deaths along with my own.
I ask you not to be angry with me as I tell you this but the Emerald –the head witch of this area’s coven- has done me the favor of holding back the knowledge you have learned of the Phoenix powers. DO NOT think in asking her that she would be foolish enough to help you restore those memories. I want you properly trained in witchcraft before assuming the role of the Phoenix. You must learn to control you natural talents before those abilities which you wanted only in greed.
Remember our mother, dear Emily, and the love she wanted us to feel. I hope you will find me. Please let me convince you to join the side our Aunt, the woman you call mother, wants us to. Bind us in protection or let Stephanie bind our sisterhood in healing or let me bring peace so long as you do not give into the hate. Only then can we help the whole of humanity, both witch and Spencing alike. I will love you always and I wait for your return with open arms no matter what you choose.
With the deepest sincerity,
Lisa Ann Murphy
My finger shakes as I trace her swirling handwriting. Lisa was always the kindest of us, taking on the eldest sister role as Ivette should have. I was so selfish back then it was easy to persuade me into hating non-mystics. I guess it was reliving my childhood (literally) that reminded me how naïve I was. Spencings are people like I am only they don’t bear the burden of these powers.
My back slides down the door frame until I am plopped down between the yard out front and the air conditioned house. Everything seems to be caving in and I don’t know if I can just take it and move on. It’s too much at one time. I inhale and stare at the ceiling, trying to manage my watering eyes.
“In or out,” Scott yells at me from down the hallway. I turn to him realizing that I’m letting the hot air outside invade our cool house. The letter is folded and stuffed into my pants’ pocket and I recede to my room upstairs.
‘Our Aunt, the woman you call mother…’ Lisa knew I would notgrow up with the knowledge of what I have already lived. I’m thankful I got to know but there is something I am still not okay with. And it’s the fact she is keeping my already learned knowledge away from me.
I stand in front of my dresser covered in sunglasses, jewelry, lotions and pictures. These are my things yet the more I stare at them the more I realize how much they don’t feel like my belongings anymore. My eyes glance over the photos belonging to a different me before staring into the mirror sitting on top. The angry expression is intimidating but I wear it with good reason.
How dare they take the thoughts that rightfully belong to me? I am a daughter of the angry elements meaning I can choose how I please, how I want and whenever I want! Prickling heat courses through my shoulders and travels down my arm. There is no doubt in my mind that this is from the Phoenix’s blessing. I want this. I want to feel like I can control not only my power but whatever I want. The world belongs to those who can take it and with that, I can have everything.
With a burst of anger, I take a fist full of sunglasses and throw them to the floor. A cry of pent up anger lets loose softly from my lips turning into a low growl. The feeling wraps me in heated passion to where I am not controlling the power but it feels magnificent nonetheless. I am the Phoenix though I am not me. My eyes barely stay open to the power that fills me but one last glance peaks my interest.
I snap out of it as I find the glasses I have thrown melting in blue flames. The warmth and tingling power leave instantly as fear takes its place. I grab for my damp hair towel and toss it down. A small squeak leaves my lips. My room is on fire! With the towel on top of my burning glasses, I stamp out the flames until okay the hazy smoke and charred sunglasses remain.
“What the hell was that?”
I’m not the only one who asked that question aloud. Scott’s heavy steps run up the stairs and quick open my door. His voice starts shouting before I get one defending word in.
“What the hell is going on in here?”
“Nothing,” I say way too fast. “I just… Um…”
Noticing the grey air encompassing my room, his eyes narrow at my face and sniff the smoky stench. I do my best to conceal the singed towel but he is not buying one bit of it.
“How many times have I said no smoking in my house,” he questions me honestly. My eyebrows crunch together before I turn to the floor to hide my snickering. The man has never touched a lit cigarette in his life but I’d think he’d know the difference between burnt plastic and tobacco. I mumble out my apology as he waves his arm to dispel the fumes.
“Alright, give me the carton,” Scott says with more than a tone of irritability in his words. “And your lighter. Now!”
I hand my belongings over to him quickly which were luckily stashed on the edge of my window seat. I apologize again and step in front of the real burning objects. Scott seems to be satisfied enough but before he leaves, he turns back and points to the trees outside.
“Open up your window before you permanently stink up this room.” I glance my amber eyes to the direction his finger points and nod. My foster dad rolls his eyes before going back downstairs and leaving my door open. Following his advice, I open to my screen windows to let the warm air in and the smoky air out. My door is closed quietly and I turn back to the mess that started it all.
The blue hair towel peels awkwardly off the sunglasses I really did love. It’s a mixture between melted frames, charred glass and blackened towel. My sunglasses are shot. It’s a shame since I really liked these two pairs.
As I clean up, I can’t help but know it’s my fault. Anger had gotten a hold of my so quickly before I even knew what was happening. It was like lava flowing through my veins but in such a pleasurable way. Taking the letter from my back pocket and rereading it, I know now what Lisa was talking about.
“Was Emily that much of a monster,” I ask myself. With shaking hands, my fingers rake through my hair in the nervous way they do. I am not Emily, I’m Abigail. I can’t allow myself to forget that no matter what happens. My past will never change but I still have control over my future. I will not let myself go up in flames again. Literally or figuratively, I can’t.
~
It’s been three days. Three days since Xander slipped into the coma and my Emily side had been unsuppressed. It’s been quiet around my house with Katie not talking to me and Scott not knowing what to say. Michelle is trying to distract me with things; there’s a possibility she still thinks it’s her fault. But the awkwardness seeps in to our conversations and they become dry just like my tear ducts. There’s not much more crying I can do before total dehydration.
Since Scott is still Scott and life is life, my time hasn’t stopped all together. I’m still hounded to look for a new job and there has been more than once where my foster dad dropped the hint for thinking about colleges. Life has moved on and people expect me to be better than the miserable moody chick I am.
The Emerald understands a bit. She’s told me how the transformation of combining two lives of one soul can be a nasty process. But her suggestion of dealing with it means lots of studying for me. Everyday I’ve been at the Regal Haven reading up on everything to do with witchcraft. Trevor helps me with my intuition practicing with the Zener cards and every once in a while he’ll shout something in his mind to see if I’m listening. When I don’t respond he throws the cushions from the chairs at my face. I once almost fell into the pond while we were reading in the tranquility room. That was when I finally realized what needed to be done.
Lisa kept saying there was so much I needed to relearn and she was right. The Shadowed Past has much to offer knowledge-wise. As long as I sludge through the boring writing that sounds like a lecture from a teacher during school –something which I’ve learned to sludge through in normal life– I’m able to pick up a few tricks. The Emerald still refuses to teach of the afterlife powers but with everyday I’m getting closer to knowing them.
I should already know this by now, I snidely remark in my mind as Trevor switches to a different chapter. I’ve learned it once, why do I have to relearn it when Fiona can just flip my memory like a switch in my head?
Because that’s not how you learn, Trevor replies by sending the thought telepathically. His eyes glance up at me with a cynical lift in his brow. Learning takes time and you haven’t been very patient lately, young missy.
My mind projects an image of myself flipping him off which receives a light laugh. He puts the book down as I stand and roam the library. Today’s been a long day and he knows it. I can feel him start to grow tired too; psychic powers can drain you fast and it’s time for me to go.
“Home?” Trevor looks at me with his deep brown eyes. I brush him off and we jog down the steps together and meet the breezy summer day outside. The sky is a pure blue with only a few white puffs in the air. Wind blows through the trees which makes this a perfect day for riding a bike or talking a walk. But I could only look at the sky with contempt. How could it be so wonderful when so much was going wrong?
“No,” I decide as I slam his car door shut. He climbs in the driver’s seat and waits for my destination. “The hospital,” I tell him. “I want to see Xander. I haven’t gotten to visit alone yet and I really need to.”
“Need me to tag along?” My face sneers at him thanks to my irritability brought on by tiredness. “You might need a ride home too,” he defends himself.
“What part of alone don’t you get?”
“I was being nice—”
“And I already said what I wanted.”
It’s quiet in the van after my little bitch fit. My fingers wring my messenger bag’s strap as I realize my anger got to me again. I’m PMSing hard. Damn emotions…
“I’m sorry,” I honestly say when we pull to the long entrance of the hospital. Trevor is always there like a big brother and I’ve really been taking advantage of that. He doesn’t deserve my moodiness.
“It’s cool,” he replies and punches me in the arm. My body sways from the force a little but I know he does it because he cares. Trevor’s hand grabs mine and brings it to his lips. “Just don’t go full evil and we’re good,” he teases before kissing my knuckles. I smirk at him and open the passenger door.
“Me? Never,” I say with the most sarcasm I can manage. “I’ve totally learned my lesson. Evil sucks.”
“Indeed.”
Trevor waves goodbye, pulls out of the drop off area and drives away. I inhale deeply before I enter the large tan building with giant red letters reading the hospital’s name. The rotating doors lead me to the long corridors but I know where to go. I nod to the lady behind the reception desk and head to the elevators and Xander’s room.
The first thing I notice is how dark it is. The blinds have been closed by the nurses leaving only stripes of light to come through from the gorgeous day outside. It’s not like the sun will interrupt him or his roommate from their beauty sleep. I walk over after closing the privacy curtain around his bed and sweep them open. I’m glad Xander has the window bed but I hate the pale skin the light is giving Xan.
The second missing thing is Xander’s mom. She’s always here when she isn’t working overtime to pay off the hospital bills. Scott offered to help out since he knew how guilty I was but Mrs. Stenman refused. I guess work called her in again. I’m also surprised Katie isn’t weeping by his side. She and Xander’s mom take shifts sometimes. I’m pretty sure they just don’t want me alone here with Xan. It’s not like I can do anything with him so I just have to brush off their cold looks. I’m not here for them; I’m here for my friend lying motionless on the white crisp sheets.
They all don’t know the truth. Xan isn’t waking up until the Emerald finds something in her books. She’s told me she has been combing through her libraries but there’s nothing about a human even around during an afterlife reading on a witch. The Emerald said we can only hope he’ll wake up in his own time. I put my purse down on the single chair and stand awkwardly at his bedside.
“I miss you,” I whisper to Xander. His features remain in the same relaxed way but I go on. “You’re the only one around here who gets it. Katie won’t let me explain and I can’t really tell anyone else. And the other witches have known this crap since birth. So… You’re the only one who got it. Yeah, you didn’t know for that long but you kept by my side. You’re Xan-Xan the man-man and I need you so much right now.”
His heart monitor beeps at a steady pace and I keep quiet. I take out my phone and text Scott where I am before throwing it in my messenger bag. It’s weird being here but I don’t think I can be anywhere else. Stuffing my hands into the back of my capris pants, my bracelet catches on my belt loop. I fix myself before pacing the room. It isn’t long until I remember Trevor’s unhelpful opinions on Xan’s feelings.
“No, you don’t want to know,” I calm myself quietly. If I take off my bracelet and ask, I can find out if there’s truth to Trevor’s words. The thing is that I really don’t want to know. If Xan likes me then I won’t look at him the same way again and if he doesn’t… The question has been racking my mind ever since it was said aloud and I’ve come to the miserable conclusion: I think I like him.
I’ve always seen Xander as off-limits and I’ve accepted that. But knowing what I know, I often wonder what it would be like. Those are thoughts I should never have though. The whole thing is confusing my mind but in a quick motion, I unfasten my bracelet and throw it next to my purse.
“Does Xander like me as more than a friend?”
My instincts kick in easily with an answer that sends dread through my heart and butterflies in my stomach. It’s a yes. A wave of nerves shivers my back. My best friend does like me in a romantic way and his relationship with Katie is dwindling. My teeth bite at my lip piercings in a habit I need to stop but I can’t help when I’m anxious. None of this should ever happen. I frustratingly sigh but turn to his peaceful face.
“I kind of like you too,” I confess, looking around to see if anyone overheard me. I doubt his roommate cares and none of the nurses are in earshot. Strolling to the opposite side of the bed makes me feel guiltier. The more I look at him, the more I realize I really do like him back. But this can’t ever happen. We’re both too loyal to Katie and even though we’re in a fight, I’d never do that to my best friend. Besides, Xan’s in a coma and there’s not much that can happen with us.
The darker side of my mind creeps up and I feel the emotions of Emily bubbling to surface. Me in my first life definitely decided all my actions based on my emotions. Now that side of me is telling me to say ‘what the hell, go for it’. No one is here and he’s not going to mind. I smirk to myself and lean next to Xan’s cold cheek.
“Just once and that’s it,” I murmur in his ear. With another unresponsive pause, I flick my eyes to his lips and lean forward. I can’t stop myself but as soon as my lips find his, I don’t want to. My nose tickles the breathing tube but it’s only a peck. But the heart monitor doesn’t think so as it starts to beep in an irregular fashion. I pull back quickly to stare at the jagged green lines.
He’s waking up! My stomach flutters with relief as I see Xan’s eyes slowly open. His long lashes blink rapidly as they adjust to the light. Xander’s gaze instantly finds my smiling face and happy tears threaten to fall. His eyes continue to trail my features and rest on my lips. I watch as his weak hands raises to hold mine and I don’t think I’ve ever felt happier.
“Xander?”
My best friend doesn’t have time to respond. After a second of a smile and a barely uttered response, Xan’s face scrunches into unadulterated pain. I watch helplessly as Xan grabs his head and starts screaming. His body flexes and starts slamming the railings of the bed. A nurse rushes in at the commotion followed by others. I back into the wall with guilt gnawing at my heart.
Oh my god, what have I done?