song of the chapter is You Me At Six's Night People
When I slept, I dreamt of graveyards, pretty girls and those godforsaken flowers. Who had left them there and why was I so obsessed with them? I knew I was paranoid at this stage, losing my mind slowly. I was in over my head but I couldn't get out without causing a massive shitstorm for everyone.
At 5am I gave up trying to sleep. I sat at my desk opposite the window and searched under the junk on my desk for my laptop. I googled the tulips and the meanings behind them. As I looked through each google search I felt so stupid. Flowers didn't have to mean anything. But at the same time they did. They meant something to me.
13 white tulips meant someone was sorry was all I could gather. But that didn't tell me who.
I rubbed at my temples, behind my eyes burning from the glare of the computer screen. Light was starting to seep in behind my blinds and I knew I had to get out of this house. I pulled on a coat and left. I walked from my house to Pandora's, the bottoms of my pjs were wet and covered in muck. I needed to be close to her. I sat on her porch until cars started to go by. I felt like I was sleeping with my eyes open. I'm not sure how long I sat there for, only moving when I heard her front door creak open.
"Vivienne?" a voice called out to me, but I didn't make any move to communicate back.
"Christ, c'mon inside. C'mon, up you get," her dad continued as he put his arms on my shoulders and pulled me up onto my feet.
Her dad walked me in slowly and sat me on the sofa, instructing me to lie down. I didn't go to sleep, I just lay there as he and his wife went about their business.
Linda brought me a cup of tea which I didn't touch. I simply lay and watched the steam billow up from it. I couldn't quite understand what was going on with me. My mood regarding her death constantly changes. I'm either totally unable to function, angry or just sad.
"Michael is away to work. I'll call your mother," Linda said softly.
"Please don't," I replied without looking at her. She stilled on her seat opposite me. She didn't say anything but I felt like she understood.
"You came here in your pjs, did you know that?"
"I suppose."
Linda sighed, rubbing across her sinus area, "Viv, it's not healthy."
"I suppose."
"It will get easier, I promise you that," she said and I didn't feel like she was talking about the grief.
"If you have something to tell me you can. You were always such a good girl. Sometimes people do things that are so unexpected, anger isn't something to be ashamed off despite the consequences. Just be honest with me and maybe I can help," she rhymed off as though she had practiced it.
I sat up then, intrigued by where she was going with this.
"I'm not ashamed of being angry. You're daughter was a grade A mind fuck. She's ruined my life," I confessed, staring at her with harsh eyes.
"I know you don't totally mean that, Viv. She was your best friend," she replied with a sad look on her face.
"Some 'best friend'," I grumbled as my mind continued to go over everything which she had caused. She literally tore everything up, my sanity being just one of the things to be destroyed as a result.
"Viv, if you tell me the truth," Linda continued, "I can help you. I just need to know."
I stilled then, "I want the truth too."
Linda nodded and rushed to sit beside me, grasping my hand in hers harshly. "You can talk to me," she whispered out.
"You think I killed your daughter, don't you," I said, sighing. She wasn't the first person to accuse me. I guess it was a viable idea. God knows I wish I had of sometimes.
"I'm not accusing you," she shot out, rubbing circles around the skin on my hand. "I'm just asking for what you know."
"Something is eating at you, I can tell. I just want you to tell me so I can help," her voice sounded almost panicked. Was she afraid of the truth or was she afraid of what she thought was the truth?
"I know why you're not accusing me," I said as I shook my head and pulled out of her hand. "You know I suspected you. You know I didn't kill her, you just want me to confess to what I know!"
Linda shook her head frantically as she got up and started to follow me about the living room. With every step I took backwards she took one forward.
"Vivienne, calm down," she requested as she reached out. I could see her eyes starting to tear up and suddenly I was sure I was looking into the eyes of a killer.
"You killed your own kid," I whispered and she lost her ability to keep the tears in. "It was an accident, I swear!" Her breathing was coming out in gasps now. "I swear to you, Viv, it was all a horrible accident!"
"Liar," I shot out, the venom in my tone seeming to catch her right in the gut. "You killed your own daughter in cold blood."
She collapsed to the floor then, curling herself up as she howled out. Part of me wanted to cry alongside her, but the other part was ready to phone the police and end this.
"I didn't kill her," she hollered out between sobs.
"I killed him!"
Her words made everything cease to exist. She killed him? Who was she talking about? What has this got to do with anything?
"You killed him? Who did you kill?" I asked, my voice sounding robotic. The voice I heard now was nothing like the hysterical one I had been using 30 seconds ago.
"Theo, my baby, I killed my baby," she managed to say before dissolving into tears again. I went and kneeled in front of her, panic rising in my chest.
"Linda, I'm sorry. It was an accident, you know that." I felt bad for her sudden breakdown. I had caused it from accusing her of something so horrible. It was inevitable that she would admit to killing him when she blamed herself. He had been under her care when he had drowned, any parent who felt partly responsible for a death under those certain circumstances should be protected. Awful accidents happen all the time and it's not something that can be compared to cold blooded murder like in Pandora's case.
"I didn't know what I was doing," She muttered out again, trying to catch her breath.
"He was crying all the time, it was like he hated me," she continued and my heart felt like it was stopping.
"It was an accident," I said loudly, insistent that she stop before she says something that I shouldn't know. Lies were bad, but sometimes the truth was worse.
"It was," she agreed as she sat up and wiped her tears away. Snot dragged onto her cheek as she stared at me with wide horrified eyes. "I was letting him feel the water," her voice was so gentle I wasn't sure if I was hearing this at all. "I was trying to calm him."
Please don't do this.
Those four words kept going over and over in my brain. I thought I could prepare myself for her to tell me she killed Pandora. I could understand why she might have after everything. But baby Theo?
"He started crying, I just kept dipping him to try and calm him down. I closed my eyes and then I couldn't hear the crying anymore. I relaxed and then I woke up and there he was, floating on his front in the middle of the pool. I don't remember letting go of him. It just happened."
The room was completely silent. I saw her mouth moving as tears started tracking down her face again, but I heard nothing but my own blood pounding in my ears.
"I jumped in after him and when I got to the steps, Michael was on his knees wailing by the side of the pool and Pandora was staring at me in shock from the patio doors."
"I killed my son and I regret it everyday, Viv. I didn't know what I was doing. And now the world is punishing me. No matter what she did or how she behaved, or how much she said she hated me for what I had done, Pandora was my daughter and there is not one thing I wouldn't have done for her. My love for her was totally unconditional. I would never have hurt her," Linda said as she sniffed loudly and leaned her head back against the leather of her living room sofa. She was still sat on the floor, her knees pulled up to her chest.
I looked at her as she closed her eyes and cried softly to herself, unable to say anything.
"The world is punishing me for what I did. I took one child's life so it has taken the other. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression, it was not something I could stop but I'm not using it to make it sound like I should be forgiven for Theo. When Pandora told her teacher, secretly I hoped they would find me guilty so I could at least pretend to be paying for what I had done. But I think the mental strain of it has been worse."
"I will understand if you have to tell the police, Viv," Linda said finally as she opened her eyes and looked at me.
Her voice held no emotion this time, but her eyes seemed to be almost pleading me to release her from her misery and grief.
I got up and left, walking back home in my pjs. A couple of cars honked at me on the way and people offered me odd looks. But no-one offered to help me. I opened the front door. The house was empty. I walked upstairs and pulled out the evidence file Freddie had been creating.
I searched through the pages until I found the one I needed.
I read through what was written on Linda's page before I furiously tore up the page. Pieces of paper scattered gently throughout the air as I tried my best to make sure it was unreadable.
The walk home had made me realise that lying wasn't neccessarily the worst thing someone could do.
Linda had suffered enough and being forced into a jail was not going to change anything. Punishing her for an accident was not what I was setting out to do. I wanted to ensure the right person got what they deserved.
Linda White did a bad thing, but the worst thing I could do would be to tell the truth.
***
a/n
sorry i keep disappearing, i'm always working lately.
anywayS i feel this sort of came out of nowhere, but at least that's 2 suspects ticked off that list.
did u see this coming???? is viv right for keeping Linda's secret about baby Theo????
ps MERRY CHRISTMAS HOPE U HAVE A AMAZIN ONE!!!!
thanks,
rachel // longtimegone
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