18 ; Chapter Eighteen

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song of the chapter Tove Lo & Flume's Say It


I wasn't totally sure whether this was happening or if this was a nightmare turned dream. Freddie had on hand on the back of my neck as he pulled me to him and I was forced onto my tiptoes. My hands were placed awkwardly by my sides and I barely registered what was happening before I gave in, closed my eyes and kissed him back. 

It could have been happening for seconds or hours but when he pulled away I felt so many things. Mainly anger, then confusion and maybe some frantic internal screaming because Freddie had just kissed me.

    "You do realise kissing me isn't going to make me forget about the fact you think I murdered my best friend," I whispered and he tried not to smile.

    "It made you stay though," he pointed out as he put a bit more distance between us, that goofy smile not leaving his face.

    "Why am I smiling right now, this is nothing to smile about," I said aloud to myself before looking at him, "why did you do that?"

    "Because I wanted to," he replied without missing a beat. "For the record, I don't think you killed her, I don't even know why I wrote it," he said as he scratched along his jaw and dropped from my gaze. "I was just thinking of all avenues and thought it was stupid that I was letting my feelings for you possibly blind my judgement. But I know you - I know you wouldn't do it. I was just, I don't know," he finished mumbling. 

    "I don't think you forced me into a false sense of security either. For some reason my gut trusts you and that's pretty big considering all the lies I've been fed in my life."

Freddie grinned and looked down at his sopping wet feet. "God, I feel like I may have made things awkward."

I laughed, "I don't really know what I'm supposed to do now either. I mean I was deadset for leaving but now I don't know. I mean your mother definitely heard that argument."

     "She won't say anything. In fact I think if you don't come back inside she'll hit me over the head with a tea towel and ask me what stupid thing I did to make you leave," I snorted at that but didn't reply.

   "Look," Freddie started, "I really am sorry, I shouldn't have wrote that and I shouldn't have just kissed you like that. You have enough going on without me adding to your confusion."

I nodded, agreeing with him. It was like we had some sort of silent agreement to forget about what was happening between us until there was some stage in our lives that we could do something about it. I told him to apologise to his mom from me about the stomping around and then left. 

I couldn't very well stay and fight the urge to kiss him again when I knew that it would only make everything ten times more difficult.

***

I drove back home, two cars were parked in the driveway, my mother's and Jake's. I walked in and heard conversation coming from the kitchen but their voices were hushed. They heard the door click closed and the house fell back into silence. I heard my mother's shoes clicking against the tiled floor as she came out to the hall.

    "I wasn't expecting to see you, Viv," she said, "Aren't you supposed to be at school?"

I looked at her, my mouth opening but no words coming out. "It's a sunday."

She looked down at her watch, "Ah, so it is." With that she turned back around and headed to the kitchen. 

I followed her and found Jake sitting at the table, rubbing his hands and staring blankly at the table. 

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