23 ; Chapter Twenty Three

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song of the chapter is You Me At Six's Night People

When I slept, I dreamt of graveyards, pretty girls and those godforsaken flowers. Who had left them there and why was I so obsessed with them? I knew I was paranoid at this stage, losing my mind slowly. I was in over my head but I couldn't get out without causing a massive shitstorm for everyone. 

At 5am I gave up trying to sleep. I sat at my desk opposite the window and searched under the junk on my desk for my laptop. I googled the tulips and the meanings behind them. As I looked through each google search I felt so stupid. Flowers didn't have to mean anything. But at the same time they did. They meant something to me. 

13 white tulips meant someone was sorry was all I could gather. But that didn't tell me who. 

I rubbed at my temples, behind my eyes burning from the glare of the computer screen. Light was starting to seep in behind my blinds and I knew I had to get out of this house. I pulled on a coat and left. I walked from my house to Pandora's, the bottoms of my pjs were wet and covered in muck. I needed to be close to her. I sat on her porch until cars started to go by. I felt like I was sleeping with my eyes open. I'm not sure how long I sat there for, only moving when I heard her front door creak open.

   "Vivienne?" a voice called out to me, but I didn't make any move to communicate back.

    "Christ, c'mon inside. C'mon, up you get," her dad continued as he put his arms on my shoulders and pulled me up onto my feet.

Her dad walked me in slowly and sat me on the sofa, instructing me to lie down. I didn't go to sleep, I just lay there as he and his wife went about their business.

Linda brought me a cup of tea which I didn't touch. I simply lay and watched the steam billow up from it. I couldn't quite understand what was going on with me. My mood regarding her death constantly changes. I'm either totally unable to function, angry or just sad. 

   "Michael is away to work. I'll call your mother," Linda said softly.

    "Please don't," I replied without looking at her. She stilled on her seat opposite me. She didn't say anything but I felt like she understood.

    "You came here in your pjs, did you know that?"

    "I suppose."

Linda sighed, rubbing across her sinus area, "Viv, it's not healthy."

    "I suppose."

   "It will get easier, I promise you that," she said and I didn't feel like she was talking about the grief.

   "If you have something to tell me you can. You were always such a good girl. Sometimes people do things that are so unexpected, anger isn't something to be ashamed off despite the consequences. Just be honest with me and maybe I can help," she rhymed off as though she had practiced it.

I sat up then, intrigued by where she was going with this.

   "I'm not ashamed of being angry. You're daughter was a grade A mind fuck. She's ruined my life," I confessed, staring at her with harsh eyes.

     "I know you don't totally mean that, Viv. She was your best friend," she replied with a sad look on her face.

    "Some 'best friend'," I grumbled as my mind continued to go over everything which she had caused. She literally tore everything up, my sanity being just one of the things to be destroyed as a result.

    "Viv, if you tell me the truth," Linda continued, "I can help you. I just need to know."

I stilled then, "I want the truth too."

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