"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return."
~ Nat King Cole, Nature Boy
Milky Way/Omega Nebula/Sahrabarik/Amada System
Earth year: 2183 CE (Council Era) --- March
Kaidan watched through the window of the evac shuttle as a faint blue trail of light raced away from the wreckage of the Normandy.
He could feel his heart slow, his breath catching in his chest, as his eyes began to well with unshed tears. No! He screamed. No! She's with Joker, she's fine! Yet his words did nothing to ease the cold emptiness he felt in his heart.
Pain spread through his body as he watched the Normandy disintegrate in the unrelenting void of space, the sight of it threatening to drown him in grief. He knew with certainty she was gone. The fear he'd heard in Joker's voice over the comm was undeniable. Even as he fought to deny it, he knew what Callie had done. She'd sacrificed herself to save Joker and the crew at the cost of her own life.
He didn't need to see inside Joker's shuttle to know she wasn't there. A massive hollow feeling filled his chest as murmurs of the crew's shocked disbelief faded into the background of his awareness. He heard nothing, felt nothing as he withdrew from his surroundings. Pulling everything he felt inside, he crammed his pain into a black box in his heart and pushed it as far from his awareness as it would go.
By the time an Alliance cruiser, the Agincourt, came in response to their distress call, he was numb. His anchor, his light in the darkness of his life was gone.
He saw with the smallest trace of relief that nearly everyone he'd worked with had made it out alive. Garrus, Liara, Tali, Chakwas and Adams were standing off to the side of the Agincourt's cargo bay. They were talking quietly while glancing furtively in his direction, even as he ignored them.
"Lieutenant?" A man asked as he stood there, staring at nothing. "Lieutenant Alenko?" The man said, more firmly this time.
Kaidan blinked, forcing himself to focus on the source of the voice he heard. For a moment all he saw was a blurry outline before Anderson's familiar face came into focus.
"Sir?" He replied, hearing the confusion in his voice.
"What happened Lieutenant? Where's Commander Shepard?"
Kaidan flinched at the mention of her name, his jaw clenching to stem the tide of emotion that threatened to overwhelm him. "I don't know sir. I didn't see who attacked us."
"And Shepard?"
Kaidan couldn't speak. He nodded weakly at Joker's shuttle, the last to be recovered. "Ask Lieutenant Moreau." He said, not trusting himself to say more.
Anderson frowned as he followed Kaidan's line of sight, feeling his blood run cold. Alenko's behaviour was setting off red flags of alarm. He'd known Kaidan along time and he'd never seen him like this before. It was as though he was missing a vital piece of himself, the spark that had animated him was gone.
Setting his jaw, he turned to Joker's shuttle where the medics were now lifting Moreau onto a stretcher. It seemed he'd suffered multiple bone fractures and would be taken directly to the med bay for treatment. From where he stood, the look on Moreau's face told him what he already knew - Shepard was gone. A mix of grief and guilt marred Joker's features, his eyes red-rimmed with grief, making him unrecognizable as the carefree, smart-ass pilot he was known to be.
Casting a worried glance at Alenko's rigid posture, he moved to join the rest of Shepard's crew who were grouped nearby talking quietly. The turian had one arm draped lightly across the quarian's shoulder and was patting her gently. The asari looked almost as bad as Alenko but she was standing apart from the others, looking around her as though she were waiting for a chance to escape.
"They were so happy." Anderson heard the quarian, Tali, say as he approached the group. "No one deserved it more than they did."
"I know Tali."He heard Garrus reply. "I know. But I'm here if you need me."
"Thanks Garrus." Tali said, stifling a sob. "She was so nice to me."
Their conversation faded as Anderson continued on to where Chakwas and Engineer Adams were standing apart from the rest of them.
"Can either of you tell me what happened here?" Anderson asked, his voice firm.
"Sir." Adams acknowledged. "We were in the Amada System. We'd been scanning for geth for the past four days but found nothing. Then, a few hours ago the ship came under attack."
"Attack by who? The geth?"
"No sir, I don't think so. They used a weapon that cut through our defenses as though they weren't even there. By the time we reached the evac shuttles, we were too far away to identify the ship. But it was massive sir, unlike anything I've ever seen."
"Bigger than Sovereign?" Anderson pressed, a frown creasing his brow.
"Yes sir. But I couldn't tell you how much bigger, we were too far away by then to see much."
"Thank you Adams." Anderson said, letting his breath out in a sigh. "I think everyone here needs to visit the med bay, even if you aren't injured."
"Yes sir." Adams said, hesitating as he cast an uneasy look in Alenko's direction. "Should I inform the crew?"
Following Adams' gaze, he nodded, his eyes fixed on Alenko's rigid form. "I would appreciate it Adams. But don't worry about Lieutenant Alenko, I'll speak to him myself."
"Aye, aye sir." Adams said, letting out a sigh of relief and moving off to speak with the crew, leaving Anderson alone with Dr. Chakwas.
"Doctor." Anderson said, tearing his gaze from Alenko.
"Councillor." Chakwas acknowledged, her eyes sad. "I think I can guess what you're going to say."
"I'm sure you can Karin." Anderson agreed.
"You want to ask me about Lieutenant Alenko."
"I do. More specifically I want to know if he's going to be okay. Do you know what's wrong with him?" Anderson's voice carried the weight of concern he was trying to conceal.
"I suspect he's suffering from massive shock. We're all in shock of course," Chakwas amended. "Losing the Commander and the Normandy. It's very shocking. I admit I'm having trouble believing it myself."
"It is unbelievable Doctor, but what about Alenko?"Anderson pressed.
"Honestly Councillor," Chakwas said, dropping her gaze. "Lieutenant Alenko, Kaidan, is a strong man, but he's also capable of strong emotion. I don't know how a loss like this is going to affect him or how he's going to handle it. He and the Commander..." She trailed off, not sure she could continue.
"I'm aware they were close Doctor." Anderson said, indicating she should continue.
"Of course. Well, in that case , you should know they became much closer over the past several weeks. They were discreet and professional about it, but it was obvious to the entire crew they they cared deeply for one another."
"I see." Anderson said, feeling a weight drop onto his shoulders as though the air in the cargo bay had become heavy. His heart felt bruised on Alenko's behalf. The man had suffered so much, had been alone for so long, he'd hoped that he and Shepard could find the happiness they both deserved in each other. But that hope had died with Shepard and he had no idea how or if he could help Alenko this time.
"In my medical opinion." Karin continued, "the Lieutenant must receive grief counseling as soon as possible, and at least two weeks of inactive duty. But no more than that." She cautioned.
"Any particular reason?"
"As I said, Kaidan feels things deeply. He's much like Shepard in that respect, but like Shepard he will also blame himself for her death. If he doesn't already blame Joker, he will blame himself. Also, he became unresponsive while still on board the evac shuttle, immediately following the destruction of the Normandy."
"I understand he's in a bad place right now Doctor." Anderson said, frustrated. "But what exactly are you trying to tell me?"
Chakwas sighed, her eyes sad as she stared at Kaidan's rigid form. "Kaidan is a walking time bomb Councillor. I can't with any certainty tell you how he's going to react to this loss and I'm not altogether certain that the passage of time will help him heal."
"Dammit." Anderson muttered. "Thank you Doctor. I'll let you get back to the crew. And I'm sorry about Shepard."
"As are we all." Chakwas sniffed as a silent tear rolled down her cheek. "As are we all."