Lifeless.
The only word that could describe James at this time.
He doesn't do anything.
Eat? No, he's not hungry.
Sleep? He couldn't.
Move? Not even at all.
He just lays on his bed, hair unkept, arms wrapped around his pillow, his eyes dead on his wall.
After Bret forcefully brought him home from the commotion in Nadine and Yassi's condo, he's been in his lifeless state.
He feels like his brain stopped working, like he knows nothing and he can't do anything.
Ever since he woke up to this, without Nadine beside him, his mind has been in such mess.
He doesn't want this.
He doesn't want to live this.
He still doesn't know how it happened. As much as he wants to figure this out, he couldn't. Until he gave up thinking altogether.
All he knows is that he is without Nadine.
Just like that, she's taken away from him.
He loves her. He thinks he has taken good care of her.
Why would this happen?
No warnings. No clues.
They were so happy. He was so happy. With her.
Never did he imagine that he'd be existing in this world without Nadine.
He never planned to.
His life with her is the life he'd want to live for the rest of his days.
All the good things, even the bullshit, just as long as he's with her, it's fine. He's okay. Cuz he's with her.
But now, she doesn't even know they were together.
She didn't even say she loves him too.
And that sucks.
Bret peeks in his room carefully. He has his back on the door. He doesn't move to acknowledge him, just like the past few days.
He knows Bret is worried about him. He makes sure that he is still alive, so he checks up on him everyday. He doesn't say much when he does, he just tries to get him to eat or move or anything, but eventually, he gives up, because James really doesn't want to.
But today, Bret walks in to stand in front of him. He stands firm, he has had enough.
'Dude, get up.' He says, but it's as if James heard nothing.
'Get up.' He repeats. James only closes his eyes.
'I told you get up!' He shouts at James as he abruptly grabs him by the collar of his shirt, making James instinctively defend himself, violently trying to grasp away from his friend's grip.
With the last strength he had, James was able to pull away from him and swing his fist to meet Bret's jaw.
For just a second, James was shocked of his actions, but the look on his face was replaced by Bret's fist.
'Gago ka! Gago!' Bret is so mad. He doesn't know how many punches he threw at him already.
James wasn't fighting back, he takes every hit. He welcomes it. By this time, he thinks nothing could ever hurt more than what he had to endure when he woke up without Nadine.
He didn't even notice the punches stopped coming, he just realized that Bret is already sobbing in front of him.
'Gago ka! Magpapakamatay ka na?!' He tells him between sobs.
He doesn't know what to feel. He just slumped back on his bed, too weak to move.
Bret pushes away from him as he stands away from the bed, wiping the tears on his face before turning to face him again.
'Sinisira mo buhay mo, di ko maintindihan kung bakit! James naman! Umayos ka!'
With that, James begins to tear up himself. He didn't know he still could cry, but he is.
'I've been tolerating this for too long! Pero tama na to!'
Bret is shouting at him, hoping that it could knock some sense into him.
'Di ka na nagiiisip! Di mo na ako inisip! I'm your bestfriend! You can talk to me! I can help you! Ipaintindi mo sa kin! Wag mo sayangin buhay mo! Gago!'
For a moment, the room is filled with just their sobs. Two grown man, both feeling helpless. One, desperate to have his bestfriend back; the other, crying over his lost love.
Bret leaves as he feels sorry and hopeless for his friend, not knowing what else he can do to for his friend.
Another day passed and still there are no signs of improvement has been seen in James' state.
Bret walks past his room, not bothering to even sneak a peek inside, although the worry he feels never left.
The next day, Bret wakes up in the middle of the night, bothered by the unusual noise coming from outside his room.
He gets up.
There was a mixture of surprise and relief when he saw that it is just James, sitting by their kitchen, helping himself to some leftover pizza.
He walks over slowly as James notices him. They didn't say anything to each other. Bret just proceeds to get himself some water, pouring some in two glasses. He hands over the other one to James as he looks to him with a small nod.
He nods back as he stays silent with him through his meal.
He got his bestfriend back.
'You should go back to work, you know that.' Bret tells James one morning while they were having breakfast.
James looks up at him from his bowl of cereal. He's been somewhat 'okay' after their confrontation. He eats now, that's a good sign for Bret. But he still doesn't go out. He mostly spends his day just inside his room.
He doesn't watch TV, or play video games either, he completely shut out everything. Because everything just reminds him of Nadine. And it reminds him of what he doesn't have now.
But at least now, he talks to Bret. He's been the only one there for him.
'I know.' He tells him quietly.
Bret nods, he doesn't want to push James that much.
'She asks about you.'
They both know who he's talking about, and this surprises James.
'W-what did she say?' His voice was shaking. He's not sure how to go about this situation for him. He feels like he doesn't belong here, he doesn't know how ever will he act in front of her.
'She's worried about you.'
James stops. Knowing something about her, knowing that she cares for him should make him feel happy. But it just breaks his heart.
He misses her so much. He misses them.
'But y'know, she doesn't want to call to check on you because...well, because of last time.'
From what James understands so far, she is not his Nadine, so he can only imagine of what she thinks of him after that. And based from how everyone looked at him last time, what happened was 'new' to them, to put it nicely. The fact doesn't sit well with him.
'I'm sorry about that.' He says, head bowed down.
'Hey, man. It's okay! Don't worry about it.' Bret responds brightly, hoping that his friend wouldn't feel so sad.
James gives him a small smile. He appreciates Bret's effort.
'But, dude. What happened? I've been meaning to ask ever since. It's weird for me too, y'know. It's like, you're not you. I wanna understand why all of this all of a sudden.'
Bret asks him. He trusts him. But he's not sure how to answer because he asks the same questions himself.
'I honestly don't know, man.'
They are quiet again for a while.
'But do you really, y'know, love her?'
Bret asks as James looks up to him.
The question that has been haunting James ever since he confessed his love for her years ago. Enduring all the criticisms and bullshits just to prove to her that what he feels is true. Because loving her is worth it. And even in this reality, nothing will change that fact.
'Yes.'
Bret chuckles.
'What?' James asks him, surprised of his reaction.
'Oh, nothing. Sorry, dude.' Bret apologizes guilty and it bothers James.
What's so funny with what he said?
'C'mon, what?'
'Okay, it's just that...before what happened last time?' Bret was holding back his smirk. 'You just brought a Brazilian model here. And some other girl before that.'
James looks at him in confusion.
'It's funny, okay! You were having the time of your life with all these girls! Heck, you haven't been in a serious relationship! And one morning, you fall deep in love with Nadz?'
Bret is not holding back his laughs anymore. James is not one bit amused.
'I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I support you, man, through whatever you're going through right now. I just find it hard to believe okay? But whatever happened, the old you would have killed you for falling in love so easy!'
'The old you?'
He ponders about the phrase. Somehow, it makes him understand what's happening. Even just a little.
Bret tries to convince him go back to work.
He's been off the radar for almost two weeks. In showbiz, that's a long time for someone who's on top of his career to be gone. Honestly, he didn't care at all, since in his mind, he doesn't belong here. But as days pass by, he's starting to realize that he's not going anywhere anytime soon.
There have been many speculations about his disapearance.
Some say that he is in rehab. From the weight he lost and dark circles under his eyes, it would be easy to assume that it's true.
Bret asked the help of Caryl already, but she couldn't do anything to motivate James. All she could do was damage control - for the press, for the endorsements. And for Bret, that's good enough.
Nadine have already asked Bret many times how she could help. But as much as possible, he wants Nadine away.
There was one time when James caught him watching television and a TVC of Nadine popped up. He saw his bestfriend's eyes lighten up...for about three seconds. Then he goes back to his room and didn't eat again for two days.
But of course, Nadine's concerned about James. And sometimes, she feels she's at fault of what happened. But then again, she still has no clue what's going on. All she knows is that James...got weird?
So that brings her here. In front of James and Bret's condo. With hair tied up, white tank top and shorts to match it, she pushes on the doorbell.
On her second ding, James opens up the door.
Stunned.
'Hi.' She greets him.
He doesn't say anything. It takes him a moment before he realizes that he's staring.
She's just standing there, shyly looking at him, almost awkward. But somehow, she looks so perfect to him.
'Hi.' He finally says.
'Uhmm, kamusta ka?' She asks.
It feels like he needs to take in this moment with her. Like he couldn't quite believe that she's really here, just in front of him. All the nights he spent wide awake, all he wished was just to be with her again. This moment, despite how simple it is, seems so surreal.
'I'm...better.' He really is.
Her face relaxes as she gives him a soft smile, and he smiles back, for the first time since.
'Is Bret home?' She asks as she looks inside.
'Uh, no. Sorry! Please come in.' He says as he opens the door wider for her and she walks in.
He watches her as she walks in. Her presence triggers his memories of their moments here - countless of breakfast spent by the kitchen nook, the time they redecorated the place with all their photos, even the very first time he brought her here where they just played video games all night.
Memories.
That's all he has of her now.
Her eyes roam around place, carefully.
Has she never been her before?
And it breaks his heart again as he have to motion her to the living room, confirming her unfamiliarity to the place.
This place is supposed to be their home for him, and now, it's foreign for her.
'Would you like anything? Uhm...juice? Water?'
His heart is beating fast, his heart that he forgot existed ever since. He can feel his palms get sweaty by the second. He's nervous.
This is the first time he's facing her and he's afraid he might say something to scare her.
'No, okay lang. I really just wanted to check up on you.'
He stops.
She notices.
'Well, kasi...you haven't been around...since...'
Slight embarrassment takes over him above everything he's feeling. He chose to ignore how Nadine seems uncomfortable talking to him. He's just not used to that.
'I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that.' He says.
'Hinde! Okay lang! Don't worry about it. Naisip ko kasi baka you and Bret were just playing around. I didn't think it was serious. Kaya I didn't call agad.' She laughs. 'Pero ang tagal mo nang wala, I wanna make sure you're okay.'
He almost chuckles. This is his typical Nadine. Someone who takes everything lightly, but really concerned and thoughtful.
'Thank you.' He looks at her sincerely. That's all he can say.
She doesn't ask for some explanation. Like she knows he can't give any. For that, he's grateful.
They stay silent for a couple of seconds, but for him, it feels longer. He takes in the moment to look in her eyes, and he can feel he's home again.
I love you.
I love you so much.
'So...uh, I think I'm gonna go.' She breaks the silence as she stands up from the couch.
'What? Oh...really? But you just got here! Don't go!' He says frantically before he realizes how stupid he sounds. And then he's back to being nervous again.
He's mentally slapping himself, sure that he's scaring her again.
But she laughs.
Oh, thank God she laughs!
It eases him. He smiles.
'Ano ka ba! You know I can't.'
He looks at her in confusion.
'Baka may magalit ulit.' She whispers to him caustiously, but he can hear she's trying not to sound too serious.
It only made him even more confused.
'O sige na. I'm gonna go.' She starts to walk towards the door.
'Wait, wait. I can bring you home. I'll drive you there.' He quickly scrambles to get his car keys, but she stops him.
'No! It's okay, James. You don't have to. I brought my car.'
He feels defeated again, but he doesn't want to show her. It's not supposed to be like this. They're supposed to come home together. Not this.
'Can I at least walk you to your car?'
He texts her that night.
He asks if she got home okay. She replies yes, she did. He tells her he hopes she visits again. She ignores that one, instead she tells him to eat and that she hopes he comes back to work.
He likes it. It was like when he first started liking her.
But this time, it's different.
They're not flirting. Like both of them are holding back. Especially her. He noticed this. He wonders why and all his thoughts go back to what she said.
'Baka may magalit ulit.'
Who will get mad?
Does she have a boyfriend? Is that why she's not so keen on texting?
He thinks he's going crazy just by thinking about it. Losing her is too much already. But her having a boyfriend?
Oh my fucking god.
She can't have a boyfriend. He paces around his room, unconsciously biting his thumbnail, wracking his brains out of what he can do. He needs to know.
Just as he's about to call her to ask directly, he knows he might sound crazy again but he's gotten desperate, he hears Bret coming in.
'Hey, man!' James greets him brightly.
Bret looks at him, surprised of his friend's liveliness. Well, James doesn't really greet him like this. Even before.
'You look different.'
'Uh, really? Thanks, I guess?' He tells him awkwardly. 'Uhm, hey, I just wanna ask...does Nadine have a boyfriend?'
'No. She's not dating anyone.' Bret answers casually as he checks up their fridge. 'Why?'
'She's here earlier -'
'She came by??'
'Yeah, why are you --' James starts, shocked of his friend's reaction.
'I'm sorry, I'm sorry.' Bret calms himself, considering how James seems okay. 'H-how did it go? What did she say?'
'She just wanted to check up on me.' He recalls with a smile.
'And you're okay?' Bret asks him carefully.
'Yeah, yeah! It was quick, but it was okay. I asked her to stay longer, but she said someone might get mad.'
'Yeah?' Bret urges him to go on. He's glad that James seems to be really doing okay.
'Yeah, she said she can't stay, and it's like I'm supposed to know that because someone might get mad. Again.' He continues. 'If she doesn't have a boyfriend, do you have an idea who it is?'
Bret chews the sandwich he found as he thinks.
'Ah.'
He raises a finger, he has an idea. He swallows his food before he speaks again.
'Julia.'