What??
They have got to be kidding? Sure I have read about relationships like this but it does not happen in real life! How would that even work? What happens when they decide that they don't want me anymore and I still want them? What happens if I don't feel like it's working? What would people think? Would we have to keep it a secret? So many questions? Why am I even contemplating this?
I try to ask my questions out loud but find myself opening and closing my mouth like a fish but unable to form any sort of word.
I realise I have been staring at Noah but not actually seeing him for nearly five minutes but I can't seem to blink.
"Hols? Holly?" I can hear Kayden say. I turn my head to look at him but I don't know what to say. I scoot away from him to the edge of the bed and stand up walking over to the window. Wrapping my hands around me I look out into the dark night seeing my reflection in the window and four sets of eyes looking at me from behind.
Staring at each of my boys in the reflection I can see they are scared and worried for me and for what I am going to say but I still can't get my head around all of this to try and comfort them.
Trying to slow my heartbeat I take deep breaths in and out. Am I making this more complicated than it has to be? They all seem happy to go along with this and have obviously talked but Noah and Finn are use to more from a relationship than what I think I'm ready to give just now. Would they be willing to wait for me? How would that even work? Would they not get jealous? Argh!
Turning around I look at each of my boys. They are all gorgeous there is no denying that and they all have huge hearts, are kind, caring, funny, loving and brilliant to be around. They each have their own quirks and habits that I love. I know I'm not freaking out as much as I should be right now and it's because I know all this about them but do I really want to take this huge jump and with them all?
"Please Holly say something" Mitch pleads looking at me.
I walk back over to the bed and Noah moves over to let me in. Sitting against the headboard I can look at all of them and pull my knees up.
"How?" I ask.
"How what?" Noah asks.
"How would it work?"
They all look at each other looking for someone to explain.
"We don't know" Finn says, "but we know that we can't loose you and want you to be with us even if it's only one of us but not with someone else, it would ruin us and because of that we would be willing to, I don't know the right word to use..share? Is that the right word? We just know that our feelings are so strong for you and we don't want to hold them in anymore" he says looking at me with his big green eyes.
"We don't know how it would work, I suppose it would be like dating in a way where you can spend time with all of us or one of us or whatever but we've talked and want to be open and honest about what is going on with each other and you so that we can keep our jealousy to a minimum. I'm not saying I won't be jealous if I see you kissing Finn or find out you have done things with Noah etcetera but as long as it's not being hidden from us then we feel we can handle it and the fact that we all know this is the best way for us all to be together as more than friends we can understand it" Mitch says.
"We all feel that we would struggle with just one of us being with you and not getting the chance to as well and think this is the best thing for our whole friendship." Noah states.
"Holly you haven't said anything. What do you think? We've all had the chance to talk to each other and come to terms with what we thought to try now we need to know what you think. Do you think it could work?" Kayden asks staring straight at me with a raised eyebrow.
Do I think it could work? They all seem to think it's going to work. They seem to have thought about what would work best and want to be truthful and honest so that no one is kept in the dark. Can I tell them everything I have done with the guys?
"What if you suddenly decide it's too much hard work?" I ask "what if you decide that I'm not worth it and want to date other people? What if you decide you don't want to 'share' anymore?" I rush out.
"These are all 'what if's' but one thing I can say on behalf of all the guys is that you are worth it Holly! You are worth the risk. You are worth it all. To be able to be with you as more than a friend is all we want. All we want is you! Yea the way it has all come about isn't what we probably would have wanted but even if we get a small part of your heart and time then it will be worth it" Mitch says leaning over to hold my hand staring at me.
I feel the tears falling down my face and Noah moves up beside me cuddling me into his side. Kayden comes to my other side stroking my hair leaning his head on top of mine, while Finn rubs up and down my leg. I have to admit having them all around me doesn't make me feel awkward about their proposal but possibly hopeful. This is what would have happened before everything was said in the open and hasn't changed.
"Do you think our friendship can survive this?" I whisper out between sniffles.
"Absolutely!" Kayden says with determination. "If for some unfathomable reason things don't work out for all of us I am sure that our friendship is strong enough to survive it. We have been through so much in our years together and I think this is why we all think that being together although not traditional could work for us. You just need to keep an open mind" he says kissing my head.
I look over to him and smile and see that all the guys are smiling.
"So from now on you guys won't date anyone and not that any guys have shown me any attention. I won't date anyone either?" They all nod their heads.
"You seriously don't see yourself like everyone else does Holly. Lots of guys look at you, even some girls but it will be nice to know that you will only be with one of us" Finn says with a slight chuckle making me let out a laugh.
"So we just take this slowly and see how it goes?" I question sitting up straighter making sure I know what they are thinking.
"Well, you seem to spend your time fairly between us and with all of us so we don't think any of us will be left out. We thought it would be best to keep going how we always have but now we can act on our feelings instead of hiding them. Sure we will need to kind of watch where we are and who's around if we act on them because we don't want you to get any negative attention for people but really yea, just take it slow and see where this goes" Mitch explains.
"So it's got to be a secret?" I ask worried that they are ashamed about me being their girlfriend. They could all get someone far better than me!
"It doesn't need to be Holly. We just thought you would like to keep it between all of us so that people didn't get the wrong idea because let's face it this kind of relationship isn't the norm" Noah says.
"We would shout it from the rooftops Holly if you want. Any guy would be lucky to have you as their girlfriends but we are the ones who get that privilege and we want you to feel special and don't want people to make you feel bad because you have strong feelings for four guys who willingly want to be with you. Do you understand?"Kayd asks.
Nodding I let them know that I do. I understand what they are saying they don't want people to think that I'm a slut or i'm cheating on one of the guys by not making it public we can get to know each other all over again in a different way without people judging us. "Can I still Poppy and Libby?" I ask.
"Of course!" They all say. "Actually it would be good if you are willing to tell Theo too. I think he's going to be around for a while and I already class him as a really good friend, plus I think he already knows that we all like you more than a friend so I don't think he will be surprised. It will also mean we don't have to watch how we act when we are around them" Mitch says.
"I'll speak to Max as well if that okay? I think Poppy and him are going to be together for a very long time. He loves her and I think it's only fair she doesn't need to keep it from him and again we can be ourselves around them. They are all our closest friends and I think we should be happy about it." Kayden says.
"I think you guys are right but let me speak to the girls first please before you tell the boys is that ok?" I ask and again they all say "of course".
I'm actually doing this??
I love these boys. I want to give myself this opportunity to take it to the next level and let myself explore another side to all of us. Blushing thinking about situations I never expected us to be in I look up to see them all watching me and I smile opening my arms.
Laughing they all pounce on me shouting "group hug!"