Selena...
I need to get a grip.
I needed to, yes. But with each passing second I could feel myself slipping further. In this industry, lying comes with the territory. Yet no matter how many times I've managed to fluidly worm myself out of sticky situations before, right now as I stare into the clear sapphire orbs drinking me in, it's as if I've finally reached checkmate.
"W-what?" I asked, retracting my hands from Taylor's arms. I could feel sweat unpleasantly start to form in my palms and the least I could do for her is to prevent from giving her an unnecessary soak.
"Oh c'mon now Lena, it's just me, no need to be shy! Oh wait, I know, I know. Since you're here for an interview, why don't you reveal it today? It's the perfect chance, isn't it?"
My eyes widened as Taylor turned, her eyes holding an excited glint in them as she searched the area. But it was only when she spotted Aleen and made a move to call my manager that I pieced her intentions together.
"No wait Tay" my hand wrapped on one of her arms, causing her to slightly lose her footing as I tugged on her harsher than intended due to my haste. Thankfully, she regains her balance as she ends up facing me once more, but I can't even find it in me to feel guilty. I know I'll deal with it later, but for now, there isn't any time to feel even the littlest smudge of remorse.
"Wha –"
"I don't have a boyfriend" I blurted out, convinced that it's better to say it outright before hesitance could hinder me.
She gave me an incredulous look before flipping her hair flawlessly, erasing all traces of her earlier mishap and showcasing her inner champion. I'm uncertain about the kind of emotion depicted on my face, but whatever it is I'm astounded it stirs sympathy from her azure pools. "I-I'm sorry Lena, I didn't mean to upset you."
Her arms enclosed around my frame again and while I am unable to return the gesture, I focus my attention on the blank wall behind her, keeping the moisture in my eyes at bay. I was her Judas, yet in the irony of it all, I am the one relishing in her comfort.
I had no right to cry.
Pulling away, Taylor loosened her grip on me but only by a fraction as one of her hands rubbed my back soothingly. "Better?"
"Y-yeah"
"I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop by the way. I just heard some snips and I got excited." Taylor said with a sheepish smile.
"I guess that's my fault. I've been prodding her to get a man already, it must've come out wrong."
Both my and Taylor's attention are grabbed by the familiar voice, reminding me of Kate's presence all along. A feeling of sheer foolishness washed over me upon realizing Kate had just witnessed me lying to Taylor about something so trivial and commonly shared by best friends.
As if aware of my thoughts and wanting to reassure me, her eyes focus solely on me as she casts me a smile nothing short of sincere. It is heart-warming to know she doesn't hold judgment against me despite what she saw. Though I'm unsure until when her unprejudiced thoughts of me will last, it is enough to make me smile – for now.
"No problem, I guess we're both just too absorbed in Selena's love life." Taylor replied with a giggle that both Kate and I seemed to find contagious.
"I guess so, anyway, I hope you don't mind me asking. But are you alright? You look kind of pale to me."
Kate was just midsentence when my head instinctively turned to Taylor, my heartbeat suddenly gathering speed. As if to confirm the question, my eyes widened as I took her appearance in.
How could I have not noticed it before?
Her complexion – porcelain white was void of its usual tinge and even the slight tan she had managed to lather in during the early summer was absent. She was still pretty, no doubt about that, but even that won't be able to distract you from her deathly pallid appearance.
It's a good thing I only had bagel and salmon for lunch, otherwise I might not have been able to keep it down as it threatened to come back up my throat. I remember her telling me she only needed a low-dose of chemotherapy, hence why her lovely hair was still in place and I knew the final phase of her red tour was approved by her physician, but only under considerable terms.
She's supposed to have it under control as she told me once, of course that could still mean a lot, especially when it came from a patient that might be undergoing denial – or perhaps I should have been more attentive and clarified the duration of this 'under control period'.
What is she not telling me?
But as curious as I am to find out, my fear of knowing is doubled.
(o)
Harry...
2 weeks and 3 days.
I just can't stop counting and I don't think it's completely unexplainable for me to do so.
I don't – for any reason – doubt Selena's feelings for me. Knowing her, I'm positive it took a great deal for her to reveal her true emotions for me. But unfortunately, I know I will always share her heart with a woman who had the misfortune of being diagnosed with a life-threatening disease.
"These days it's a wee bit hard to decipher your mood."
My head instinctively turned towards my best mate as he sat down beside me. I was perched on one of the balcony chairs, passing time before I could call Mia. Having nothing better to do, I decided to observe the San Diego skyline – get a breather. I did revel in the peace and quiet, but having to share it with a very close friend of mine was also a luxury.
"It just catches up with me mate, must be the upcoming break." I shrugged, reaching out towards a spare bottle of beers I brought with me and handed it to him.
"Thanks, yeah I know, kind of them to give as a free night by the way." Louis replied as he accepted the drink and took a hefty swig.
I chuckled, not missing the sarcasm lacing his tone. There were only barely two weeks left for One Direction, yet none of us can fathom how Management was able to make it feel like we were still signed for two years.
I guess they're just exceptional puppeteers
If it wasn't for them, everything would have been perfect for us. We love the fans, the thrill of performing for them, setting foot in cities I used to only see in magazines, meeting new people –
"You scared?"
My train of thought was interrupted as Louis spoke in a sombre tone. Studying him, his gaze was fixated faraway, blue orbs shining in deep thought. He didn't need to elaborate for me to know what exactly he was pertaining to. We all felt it, bothered by a future with equal potential of hit or miss.
But at the same time it was like the breath of fresh air we didn't even realize we've been craving for the past five years – terrifying yet refreshing.
"It's generally a mix of feelings for me actually. But yeah, I'm quite nervous. It just sucks not knowing what's around the bend."
Louis stayed silent, a slight humming sound coming from him the only thing that lets me know he heard me.
The comfortable quiet extends for a few more minutes or so and even though it does seem filled with unanswered questions, I didn't mind. Whatever it is that's occupying Louis' thoughts right now does appear to be a little sensitive subject as the normally chatty lad looks to be struggling with his words that he's intent to voice out. I don't rush him and allow him the time he needs to straighten out the puzzle in his mind. Having been familiar with my best friend, nothing was a sore topic to discuss between us.
"Do you plan to go public with Selena?'
I choked, perhaps I spoke too soon.
"Louis I don't kno –"
"Spare me the bullshit Harry." Louis sighed. "We're actually pleased to see you smiling a lot these couple of weeks. But we've also caught you stuck in your own thoughts frequently during those days than in the span of five years we've known each other and I know only one woman who can push you up high then pull you down low."
I gave out a sigh as well, free hand running down my face. Turning to look at my companion directly, I would have expected even a fragment of annoyance on his features, but to my surprise, he only gave me concern and I knew this night won't pass without me giving him explanations.
"It happened in Cumbria, when we stayed behind. I didn't even plan for it to happen mate, but it did and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want it." I admitted.
"You love her."
I remained silent and I knew it was enough to justify his statement. He wasn't asking anyway, he already knew and I don't think there's even a point in denying. Louis gave me a small nod, bringing the bottle to his lips as I watched him curiously. Whatever he's about to say next it seems he is mustering up the courage to do so.
"Believe it or not mate. I am happy for the both of you."
"But?"
"You may have her heart, but are you sure where her loyalty lies?"
Once again, I could only give out a sigh as a response and Louis takes that as his cue to continue. "Selena's my friend too mate, she's awesome I know. But I'm sorry if I'm not convinced she'll stay by your side when it all comes down to it."
Dread fills me with Louis' uncertainty – undesirable warnings have already been swarming my head these past weeks, each image more creative than the last. But there's nothing worse than to have someone confirm these unwanted thoughts out loud, especially when it's coming from my best mate who's always been far more optimistic than I am.
"Maybe she wouldn't even have to choose mate."
I know the idea is quite preposterous and the look that Louis sends me is enough to say that the thought was better left to my imagination.
"I'm sure Selena wouldn't want to. But do you suppose she'll think the same if Taylor found out?"
"Damn it Louis! You think I'm not aware of that?" I snapped, slamming my bottle down before standing up not even giving a shit if anyone heard me right now. "Half of each night I spend praying I could still call her my girl when the morning comes. Is it really so wrong for me to hang on and be hopeful? I know she left me, two years – two fucking years! But she came back, maybe not for me entirely, but she did. Don't you think that means something? I mean fuck – that has to mean something, right?"
My statement that begins as a shout immediately lowers, ending in a desperate plea instead. My hair that was originally in a bun, now probably looked like a messy clump on my head as half of it remained held by the tie while half had been unconsciously tugged on, falling on my shoulders. Surprisingly, I don't find it in me to be embarrassed that I've declared the depth of my feelings for her to Louis. Though I do admit I am quite ashamed that I did so while letting my temper get the best of me. Louis was just being a good friend and trying to look out for me. The least I could do was talk to him in a civilized manner.
Louis appeared a little stunned, nonetheless managing to recover after a few seconds from my outburst. Wordlessly, he stood up, taking measured steps towards me before placing a tender hand on my shoulder.
"Fuck, I'm sorry mate. I didn't mean to snap at you." I rushed out before he could say anything else.
"It's alright lad, I should be sorry. I shouldn't have been so inconsiderate with your relationship."
"No, you don't have to. You were just telling the truth. It's my fault I got so..." I trailed off, searching for the right word.
"Scared of losing her?" Louis finished for me with a cautious tone, as if I might go berserk any moment. Truthfully, he was only one of the very few who could calm me down during the times I'd flare up. While he maybe far from my favourite girl, I do salute him for having the patience to tolerate me during the occasions I go on a rampage. I do feel sorry for him as well. It wasn't his responsibility to keep me in line, but he still makes an effort to go out of his way for me. He was just that of a good friend.
"C'mon mate, I think it's best we sit down, yeah?"
Once we're seated, we indulge in another bout of silence while chugging our malted drinks down. I'm aware that Louis was just being rational, trying to give me sound advice. I guess it just hurts that the more I think about it, the more I see there's more cons than pros to this relationship and he doesn't even know half of it yet.
"Do they know?" I asked, breaking our silence.
"The lads?" Louis asked, scratching his chin, as if trying to picture our friends. "We've all noticed you acting strange a bit these days. They've got guesses, but nothing close to Selena."
Stillness is quick to blanket us once more, but different from before this one is eerily cold, thick with unease and disconsolate thoughts. Louis too appeared engrossed in his own world and by the slight frown on his face I could tell he's still bothered for my wellbeing. I do appreciate it of course, but I think it isn't completely unwarranted for me to be slightly irritated by his lack of faith in me.
"I know you mean well Louis and thank you." I begin, angling my body slightly to meet his gaze. "Our situation might not be ideal, I know that. But you know me too mate. I'm not one to give up so easily and especially not with her."
Louis' brows furrowed as he took in my words in contemplation and by the shaky breath he took, I didn't need to second guess that his response was one that would invade my brain for days. "I do know you mate and yes I'm sure you'll put one hell of a fucking fight just to keep her. But what I'm asking is, if it comes down to it, do you think Selena would be willing to fight for you as well?"
(o)
Just like I assumed, it doesn't take much for Louis' fretful words to echo inside my head in a warning. As soon as I got back to my room, I take a considerable amount of time in the shower, hoping the warm water could at least flood my anxieties down the drain. I guess it's also a good thing I have no one to share my room with, otherwise, I won't be surprised if my mates would have arrived to the conclusion of me drowning myself. The only thing that reminded me of the world beyond the corners of the bathroom was my upcoming skype session with her, causing me to shut the water off and grab for the towel with a renewed zeal.
After making myself decent, I sit on the bed, worry and excitement battling each other as I wait for her face to appear on the screen. She answers the call after two rings and as soon as she does, worry is quick to overpower my short-lived enthusiasm.
She's still – without a doubt – beautiful, but her eyes were clearly bloodshot and the faint tracks on her cheeks are proof that it wasn't due to absence of sleep.
"Baby what's wrong?" I asked.
My patience is tested as she continued to sniffle, unable to get a word out and I find myself spewing curses in my mind. We may already be in the same state, but still far enough for me to dry her tears.
"I forgot Harry" she managed to say, eyes meeting mine.
"Forgot what baby?"
My heart clenches as I watched her bury her face into her hands and I could guarantee it as one of the worst fucking feeling – to watch helplessly as the love of my life sobbed her guts out. "I'm such a terrible friend."
The words that left her were uttered almost in a whisper, as if it wasn't even meant for my ears. But it reaches me and even without my consent, my brain brings me back to my conversation with Louis earlier this evening. I didn't need to know further, just that lone statement is enough to let me know she is talking about Taylor and dreadfully I wonder if the inevitable has arrived.
"I forgot about her Harry. She was so sweet and caring, while I – while I forgot she was even sick." I give her the time she needs to collect herself as she wipes the fresh droplets under her pools. "She looked so pale and fragile Harry. It's as if...as if..."
As if she's already dying.
I took a sharp inhale as Selena continued to weep, leaving her words in broken stutters. But I didn't need to hear more, the message was loud and clear as the distance between us.
I feel like a total douche, unable to say anything at all to calm my girlfriend down who has now gravitated to a rant of self blame. But what would I even say, when just like I've always said before, despite the circumstances, the bearer of my heart remains unchanged. Trust me when I say I am not guiltless in this. It just so happens that I cannot see anyone benefitting from this situation if I were to pretend that I only feel friendship towards Selena. Perhaps, if it would miraculously be a panacea to Taylor's condition then and only then will I wholeheartedly consider it.
Because, if she is indeed to pass away – God forbid – I still don't see myself loving anyone else for a long while.
But no matter how true and strong my affections are, I keep my mouth shut. Just like the rest of the entire male population, I may unwittingly be an idiot at times. But I certainly take pride in saying I am not insensitive. I know these are words best reserved for another day – another day that I hope I could still have with her.
"Hey" I calmly say, ceasing her ramblings.
"Y-yeah?"
"Would it make you feel better if you accompanied her to her doctor's appointments? Or you know, anything just so you could stay in-the-know regarding her wellbeing."
Selena bit her lip tentatively, considering my suggestion "I-I d-don't know. Do you...d-do you think that would help...with her?"
I sighed, measuring my words "If it was me in her position, I think it would make everything more bearable if you were with me – I mean if my best friend was there with me." I try to cover my slip up with a cough, but it's obvious I'm not fooling her. I almost feel like bashing my head against the wall. I was supposed to be offering a neutral opinion about her and Taylor's friendship, instead here I am selfishly blabbering on what I would want.
Oddly enough, for the first time in the evening she smiles – even complemented with a slight pink on her cheeks. It is brief and small, but enough to make my day.
"Harry?" she speaks just a few seconds after, in a much thoughtful voice and expression.
"Yeah?"
"I-I don't know what I'm supposed to do."
The emotion behind her orbs undeniably speaks something else beyond her best friend's illness and while I find this great urge in me to remind her how much I love her, to be strong for the both of us – I hold back.
I guess, just like Louis said, I have to be certain that this indeed goes both ways.
"Well, how about you focus on what you want instead?"
I may have uttered it calmly, but I'm sure I'm already well on my way to a cardiac arrest. It doesn't help that it takes her longer than I anticipated to answer.
"Just...just stay with me...please."
My eyes widened, but in a short while so does the smile that stretches on my lips as I learn to breathe again "Of course Mia, I'm always with you."
AN: I'm sorry it took so long for me to get this up and the bad news is, its going to stay like that for a while. Things at work have been so chaotic and have you ever felt like you were in a department, but really it's just you who's doing all the work yet they're the ones getting the credit because they're higher than you? Well it sucks and that's how its been going for me these past months.
But, don't worry I don't have plans of abandoning this or any of my future stories!
Thank you, hoping for your votes lovelies! :)