IN CELEBRATION OF MY 700TH UPDATE ON WATTPAD, I DEDICATE THIS TO EVERYONE WHO'S EVER READ ANY OF MY STORIES AND DIDN'T THINK THEY WERE COMPLETE AND UTTER SHIT. SO THANK YOU TO THE FANS OF SAVED BY FRANK IERO UP TO HALLOWEEN! THIS ONE IS FOR YOU.
¬KAT.
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Chapter 68: 700 Days of a Week Long Tour.
¬Peasnie¬
It feels like I’ve been away from my family for years, in the week that I’ve been gone Melissa had Jade. I haven’t gotten a chance to call them and tell them how happy I am for them. They’re really lucky. Phil told me Jade looks alot like Dan. I can only imagine what Jade looks like; she’ll have Dan’s bright brown eyes and his face. Oh God, Dan had extremely curly hair as a child so hopefully she has Melissa’s hair. And I pray for the both of them that she doesn’t have Dan’s YouTube personality because if she does, they’re screwed and his potty mouth. If Jade swears like Dan they’re in for a fun time.
Before I left for tour I got a tattoo on the back of my hand of a rose with a rosary wrapping around my wrist and fingers with ‘forever’ on the cross, the cross sat on the side of my thumb. It looks like I’m actually holding it and it’s intertwined with my fingers. Everybody loves it and so do I. James thinks I got coloured on so he’s taken to drawing on me with his markers. I don’t mind, more art for me.
While I was away Phil managed to get a nanny for the kids because he got a promotion a couple of days before I left. I really wish he hadn’t had gotten a nanny though, I never even met her. I don’t want a complete stranger around my babies. The four times that I got to Skype call them she wasn’t there or anywhere around. According to Phil, Debbie is a very good nanny; she takes care of James and Nevaeh although James likes to terrorize her all day while she’s busy with Nevaeh. I kinda felt proud of him for that. I can’t believe this all happened within a week that I’ve been gone. I feel so left out; I’ve missed everyone so much even though I’ve only been up North. I don’t know what I’m gonna do when we leave for a month and then after that three months. Luckily today is the last show and it’s close to home so after the show we just get to go home. I can’t wait. Phil left Nevaeh and James in the care of his adoptive mom. Phil is going to be at the show which is going to make me feel so much better and a lot less homesick. I’ve felt really homesick this last week. I know it’s only because there is so much going on and I’ve missed it all, it’s like I can sleep through the end of the world and wake up wondering where everybody went.
I sighed as I stared at myself in the mirror of the dressing room. The last opening band was playing their final three songs before we go on. My stomach filled up with butterflies as I stared at my tired face. I was slightly pale and my eyes were sunken in a little bit.
I rubbed my eyes tiredly and raked my hair back into a ponytail, twisting the orange elastic around my long blonde hair. This has been a long week and I can’t wait to go home. I can’t wait to have a single night with just Phil. We haven’t had a single night together since July. It’s the end of October now. I can’t wait to just go home and have some one on one time with him. I don’t care if we just spend the night cuddling and watching a movie or releasing some stress, I just want to be with Phil for a little while.
I jumped when I felt someone grab my shoulders heavily. I turned to see Matt shuffling me aside from the mirror.
“C’mon kiddo, last show then home.” He said reminding me kindly. I nodded as followed behind the guys. I could hear the fans screaming as we walked down the long hallways to the backstage area. My heart began to race and those butterflies erupted into a nervous feeling. I wasn’t nervous about playing in front of all those people, I’m nervous about playing in front of my Uncles. I’m always scared I’m going to screw up and they’re going to kick me out. Ever since the band started I’ve dreamed about playing with them, sadly it’s under these circumstances. I wish my dad was off to the side of the stage or in the crowd, hell even having a drum battle with him would be amazing but I know that he’s not going to be here at all. And the shoes he’s made are huge so I have a lot to fill. I love playing drums and I love making music, it’s just apart of who I am and how I grew up but when I looked out in the crowd up on the balcony where our families were or off to the side of the stage and Phil wasn’t there; I hated drumming. Phil wasn’t there to see me play; he wasn’t there to watch his wife do something she’s good at, something other than being a stay at home mother or a wife. I was being the person I wanted to be, I wasn’t designing clothes or making art; I was drumming. The one thing I know I’m good at and he’s not here to see me do that. It broke my heart, it made those butterflies turn into razor blades.
“Alright guys, we’re going to slow things down now with one of the newer songs. This one was written by Jimmy and he wrote it for his kids. This one is called Fiction.” Matt said to the crowd before telling them that he wanted to their lighters, phones, IPods, whatever up in the air while we played this song. I could already see Brian getting choked up as he kept his back towards the crowd. Every time we’ve played this song he’d get choked up and start crying. I would too but I need to concentrate on the music. My heart sank when the piano began; I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
“Now I think I understand
How this world can overcome a man
Like a friend we saw it through
In the end I gave my life for you” Matt sang this song perfectly, I couldn’t ask for a better person to sing it.
“Gave you all I had to give
Found a place for me to rest my head
While I may be hard to find
Heard there's peace just on the other side”
“Not that I could
Or that I would
Let it burn
Under my skin
Let it burn.” I sang the backup vocals with Zack and Brian, my voice was low but you could hear it over theirs. I tried to keep the tears in my eyes at bay as a lump formed in my throat.
“Left this life to set me free
Took a piece of you inside of me
All this hurt can finally fade.
Promise me you'll never feel afraid.” I did the part that he would tell us most when we were growing up, the six words that I have tattooed on my body.
“Not that I could
Or that I would
Let it burn
Under my skin
Let it burn.” I tried to fight off all the tears but they managed to break free when I looked up and the dark area was lit up by lighters and mobile lights. It was quiet, other than the music being played. I could see that everyone was choking up which made me want to cry even more. I never witnessed the guys cry before, I mean I’ve witnessed them cry when I accidentally sacked them but not like this and that hurt most.
“I hope it's worth it
Here on the highway, yeah
I know you'll find your own way
When I'm not with you
So tell everybody
The ones who walk beside me, yeah
I hope you'll find your own way
When I'm not with you tonight.”
“I hope it's worth it
What's left behind me, yeah
I know you'll find your own way
When I'm not with you
So tell everybody
The ones who walk beside me, yeah
I know you'll find your own way
When I'm not with you tonight.” The stage went black as the piano played the final notes of the song. I stayed still behind the drum set as the crowd went nuts for that song. I couldn’t keep the tears from falling. Sadness isn’t even the word for what I’m feeling. First my husband didn’t show up to watch me play even though he promised he would and now I’m getting overly emotional.
“You okay, kiddo?” I heard Johnny say as he stood in front of the drums. I looked up at him and smacked my lips together, shaking my head. Johnny frowned as he took off the bass before coming around. I stood up and embraced the hug he gave me, hiding my face in his shoulder. I could feel him crying as well, that only made me pick myself up and reassure him in a mothering way.
“Phil’s in the front row, I’ll grab him when we leave the stage.” He said to me over the cheering of the crowd. I lifted my head up off of his shoulder confusedly.
“He’s here?” I asked, making sure I heard him right. Johnny smiled weakly and nodded.
“Yeah, he’s in the front row getting squashed against the barrier.” He replied. I felt so stupid, Phil wouldn’t miss this. He knows that I really wanted to see him here and he wouldn’t miss it for the world.
I smiled widely and shook my head. I can’t see the front row so even though I can’t see him doesn’t mean he’s not here. Johnny made sure I was okay before we finished the rest of the set before picking up his bass. The guys asked if I was okay and I said I was feeling better now. The last three songs I played full throttle, I didn’t hold back. I didn’t want to, these last couple songs were so classic rock; it’s the stuff I grew up on. I even got to do a drum solo at the end of Unholy Confessions which knocked the socks off of everyone. I loved showing the twist on the double ride. Before the set was over Johnny pointed at someone in the crowd and motioned them to come up, I was almost finished the drum solo and Johnny pulled Phil up on stage. I smiled widely as butterflies returned to my stomach. My heart raced when I saw the lanky black haired man approach the drum kit. Finally I chucked the sticks away and got up from behind the drums, practically jumping into his arms. I pleasantly shared a nice big hug with him as the guys exited the stage.
“I’ve missed you.” I said into his ear as his arms wrapped around me tightly. I heard him chuckle and squeeze me tighter.
“I missed you too.” He said into my ear, laying his hot moist breath on the side of my face.
“I thought you weren’t here.” I told him truthfully.
“Of course I’d come see my rock star wife play, I just wanted to be in the front row like your biggest fan would only do.” He replied happily tightly squeezing me into his chest. I melted into his arms and nestled my face into the crook of his neck before we peeled apart to go off the stage. When we got to the back stage the guys were having a family reunion. I didn’t plan on staying long so I helped clean up before grabbing my suit case and taking off with Phil. I didn’t want to be rude but I also just wanted to go home and relax. And luckily, they understood. So Phil and I left; the hour long car ride was filled with both of us babbling on about our week like two school girls. Phil had a stressful week but it was fun because he made dinner with James every night this week which is cute and he’d let both Nevaeh and James sleep in the bed with him and watch movies until they fell asleep, also really cute. I can just imagine Phil sleeping in the bed with Nevaeh wrapped in one arm and James in the other while Phil is in the middle and they’re watching movies together.
When we got home, I immediately threw all my clothes into the wash and went upstairs to get changed. I stripped off the white tank top and slack pants, replacing it with a pair of yellow and white stripped PJ shots that didn’t cover a thing with a different white tank top, I didn’t even bother with a bra either. When I came back down Phil had gotten changed into a pair of sweat pants and no shirt. He got some plain rippled chips with king crab dip with grape crush. He knows his way to my heart. We cuddled on the couch and watched Thor 2 with a nice big blanket.
I lay into him, my head rested on his shoulder as I watched the amazing movie. Phil’s arm was wrapped around me loosely. My mind was pulled away from the movie when I felt Phil playing with the hem of my shorts, he was watching the movie but he was also playing with my shorts as if he wanted me to bring it up. He probably thinks I’m still sore from Nevaeh but I’m not and we haven’t been intimate with each other since August so that’s three almost four months. I think we can have a fun time now.
I smiled and cocked an eye brow as I looked up at him.
“Do you wanna go upstairs and fool around?” I asked lowly. Phil’s blue eyes swallowed me whole as a big goofy smile crossed his face.
“Well, if you insist.” He joked. I grinned from ear to ear before shutting off the TV and racing him up the stairs to the bedroom. I’m glad Phil has gotten more comfortable with us being together like that. He’s grown with confidence in every aspect of his life. Sex is not a goddamn performance. Sex should feel as natural as drinking water. It should not require confidence. Sex should happen, because the moment is ripe. Ripening lips, ripening labia, ripening cock, ripening pupils, ripening state of being. Ripe and augmented and brimming. Your energy goes to your pumping heart, then to every external nerve, then to theirs, on fire. You bask, roll, play in it. You sigh, moan or laugh. It’s not about being “good in bed.” It’s about being happy. One should never worry if they’re doing it “correctly.” Sex is not factual. I don’t want your cookie-cutter sex, I don’t want your meticulously crafted, calculated, fool-proof fuck. I don’t want a show. I want you. Let your instincts, urges and whims define that. It’s enough. What do most girls like? Forget about it. Statistics are meaningless when there’s only one. Hello, here’s me. Here’s you. Don’t worry about taking it too slow. We got time. We got infinite rhythms, combinations, possibilities. Explore each fuck. Take our time. We can do a different one later. Don’t worry about making me come. I’m here. Right where I want to be. I am overwhelmed by wanting; you don’t have to convince me. I want you because I like you. So don’t put on a front. Don’t taint this. I’m frustrated—it’s just authenticity I want. It’s originality. It’s passion. It’s joy. Don’t say that something I like is ugly. Don’t compare yourself to the rest. You will live and die with and within your experiences like everyone else. If someone thinks you are amazing, they are not wrong. Their universe is as real as any other; it is forged through perception. I don’t care if you accidentally slammed my head into the wall, if you slipped out, if my arm cracked, if the delightful pressure of your wet lips on my anything made a silly sound. There is no right way and no wrong way. “Good in bed,” what. You’re good in my bed. I’m pleased you’re there. I feel it suits you. Shove your technique. Let your memory swallow it. Fuck me like you’d fuck me, fuck me like you feel. This isn’t a test.