Chapter 64: American Noise.
¬Kier¬
I sighed as I walked down Hollywood Boulevard alone; I just saw my sister and Phil drive past me. They were probably going home. I wanted to go home too but I couldn’t go home, not yet. There’s too much going on right now for me to go home and have to face it all at once. I still couldn’t believe he was gone. I didn’t want to believe it. He leaving has driven this family apart and to the breaking point. Alfie is angry, she’s being selfish to try and hide it but she’s angry and hurt. The twins are pretty sad that dad’s gone but they still don’t fully understand that he’s not just gone on tour for a little while, he’s gone for good. Mom is in a tough spot right now, she has a lot on her plate and I don’t blame her for practically kicking me out. I know I’ve let my temper get the best of me on more than one occasion since dad died. I blame myself, I knew something wasn’t right and I didn’t say a word. It’s my fault dad’s gone. I should’ve used my voice and saved him. Peasnie seems to be the only voice of reason here. I know she went through a couple days of utter sadness but she needed to keep going for the sake of James and Nevaeh. Y’know I find it kind of ironic that the day that Nevaeh was born is the same day that dad died and they named her Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards. It’s like some greater power took away someone important to the entire family but at the same time they gave someone important to us as well. Nevaeh is the first Granddaughter and in every way she reminds everyone of dad.
I shook my head, ridding my mind of these thoughts as I walked down the streets with my hands in my hoodie pockets. I knew that walking up and down these streets was a good way to help think. Peasnie thinks I’m with my friends but I’ve really just been sitting at the docks all afternoon, drawing.
I kept my head down but I knew I was passing by the street performers, the fairly famous ones that I’ve seen in magazines and in interviews. This is why I love Los Angeles, you can be anybody you want to be and nobody can stop you. If you want to pick up a guitar and sing on the corner, you can.
I stepped into the 24 hour cafe and looked at the almost empty place. Music played softly as staff stood behind the counter. I sighed and stepped towards the cash register. A Native American girl smiled at me and bounced in place.
“Hi, welcome to Cafe Nero, what can I get for you?” She twanged with a Southern accent. I smiled shyly at her and looked in my wallet to see a couple bills and some spare change.
“Can I get a large black coffee, please?” I asked kindly in a little voice. She nodded with a large smile as she tapped in my order.
“That’ll be $2.50.” She said kindly. I handed her the two one dollar bills and fifty cents. She tossed the money into their slots and went along to make me my coffee. It was late in the evening, early night. I’d say its eight-thirty, nine o’clock. The streets were still filled with people but not the day time people, the children of the night, the ones that have nowhere else to go. The ones that remind me of me.
The girl came back with a large coffee cup and handed it to me with a cheerful smile. I nodded and went towards the bay window near the front of the shop and sat down on the comfy bench. I put my backpack at my feet, it had all my things in it, my sketch book and notes. It has my future in it. I looked out the window to watch the hills of Hollywood burn brightly with red and orange flames dancing. It’s tragically beautiful, just like life. The Hollywood hills are something everyone should see at least once in their lives because they’re beautiful, just like life. It’s a beautiful gift that can be taken away from you with the spark of a match.
I sighed and picked up my backpack from between my feet, I pulled out the big brown envelope that I got today. I have no idea what’s inside, I haven’t opened it yet. It could be anything but what can top a Scholarship, internship, an apartment and a truck plus $15,000? That’s literally everything that I’ve wanted in my life. I knew I didn’t want to leave California because no matter how big the blow out is, this is my home and I’d never leave home. I wanted to go to this school since I first started drawing and being the outcast of the family. I’m the only one who doesn’t want to be in music, I can play music and read and write it but I will not do it as a career.
I swallowed hard and furrowed my eye brows as I saw a pink piece of paper with flowers on it. It was addressed to my dad. It was from his pen pal in Northern California. I don’t remember her name. What’s this doing in here? I opened the paper up and read it carefully.
I never understood why fans didn’t like Kier; I thought more fans would fall in love with Kier. I just love him so much because while he was growing up, he was the outspoken artist, the lost boy who would eventually find himself. He kind of represented people like me and my friends. He’s a middle kid and that’s gotta be tough. He’s like the hidden gem within the family.
My heart throbbed with joy as I read fan letter after fan letter of people telling my dad that he should put the spot light on me more often because I deserve it. I’m more like this generation of lost kids who are dorky and have a dream that isn’t exactly what their parents want but they’re equally loved. I’m the middle child and that is tough because growing up life was about Peasnie and then Alfie. Then when Peasnie decided to leave I thought I was going to get some recognition but that’s when the twins were born and Alfie was starting school so I was still hidden in the shadows and that hurt but I understood. It’s nice to see that some fans actually knew I was alive and that I was apart of this family and I chose to do something different because it made me happy not because I wanted to be the outcast of my family.
I smiled and gently placed all the letters back into the big brown envelop but before I could I saw one that had my name on it, it was in dad’s writing. I furrowed my eye brows and opened the note.
Kier,
Hey son, it’s dad. I’m writing this to you so you know that no matter what happens you know that I love you. I love you everyday and twice on Sundays. I know your life hasn’t been easy, trying to match up to your sister but I want to tell you that you don’t need to match up to her. You can do so many things so much better than she can. You can draw and you’re the most caring and giving person that I know. When we sent you to that summer camp for you Dyslexia you were upset but you went and you made sure that every kid there knew that their existence was important to the future, you made sure that they felt important. I’m so proud of you for doing that. Sometimes people need to be reminded that their lives are valued greatly and you’re there to remind them. You were there to remind me that no matter how shitty of a hand life deals you, you take it with a smile and make it work. And you worked so long and so hard to have that happen. Now look at where you are, you’re the most talented artist I know and I’m not just saying that because I’m you dad. You’re literally the greatest artist I’ve ever known and those dead artists that you idolize all the time have taught you well.
You’ve probably seen the fan letter saying that you’re the hidden gem of the family and I happen to agree. You’re not hidden away because you’re gay or different, I don’t care that you like it in the ass. You’re hidden away plotting and drawing so that when you do come out into the spot light you out shine every star in the sky including the sun. You’re going to come out swinging and it’ll be hard for the art world to keep up with you. I’m so proud of you for being different, for not being afraid to be the outcast and for being who you are no matter what anybody says. Kier, you represent an entire generation of kids who are dorky, big dreamers but lazy doers. You represent those kids who will fight to the death for a little bit of recognition and they work hard for the things they have. In so many ways you remind me of me. You know how I lived before you were born, endless hours of dreaming and plotting and working my ass off and look at where that got me. Yes if you’re reading this I have died but I died knowing that all my hard work and endless hours of plotting has gotten me at least a little recognition. I hope that the day that you die you can say the same, I know you will. You’re like me and your mother, hard working and stubborn; you’ll get your name in the lights one day.
Speaking of your mother, since I’ve died can you please look after her? She needs her first baby in this time and I need you to man up. You can cry and feel sad but I need you to look after your mom. I know she can be a huge pain sometimes and she’ll get under your skin more than once but at the end of the day she loves you and she’s your mom. Please Kier; look after her and your little siblings.
Kier at the end of the day you need to know that I love you and you will always have a very special place in my heart and soul that’s decorated with your art work. I wish you all the best in your future.
Love Dad.
I smiled down at the note. I didn’t have tears in my eyes, just a smile on my face. To know that dad didn’t care that I was different and he was proud of me no matter what made me feel, loved. I know I’m loved by my family but this is the recognition I needed to prove that. I felt happy that even though I was doubting myself for a really long time, wondering if art is my forte, I know that all my hard work and all my talent is in art and not music although I still do write it.
I grinned from ear to ear as I put the brown envelop of letters back into my bag and pulled out my notebook and pen. I felt inspired to write a song, not for dad or my feelings but for people who have felt like I have; the losers, the outcasts, the kids who doubt themselves, the children of the night. I put pen to paper and began to write the first song I’ve ever written without help. Like I said, I’m not a musician; I like to stick with paints and oil pastilles. This is the first song I’ve ever written and it’s for a great cause. I wrote at the top of the paper with a grin on my face. "American Noise"
Angry words and honking cars
Satellites and falling stars
Distant dark blue radios that whisper down my boulevards
Ghosts and chains rattle in the attic
Broken headphones filled with static
Lonely room you’ve got nowhere to run
3, 2, 1 for all and all for 1
Times will be bad, times will be good
Things I wish I hadn’t done and some I wish I would
Cutting through the American noise
You’ve got a voice and a song to sing (and a song to sing)
Drink deep in the morning
Drink deep in the morning
See what the day will bring
La da da da
Lift up your voice
Let love cut through the American noise
La da da da
Lift up your voice
Let love cut through the American noise
Slamming doors and cell phone rings
Hurricane force of silent screams
Don’t know what to believe
Bend the rule just to break it
You're so tired 'cause you're gotta fake it
But you just wanna be someone
3, 2, 1 for all and all for 1
Times will be bad, times will be good
Things I wish I hadn’t done and some I wish I would
Cutting through the American noise
You’ve got a voice and a song to sing (and a song to sing)
Drink deep in the morning
Drink deep in the morning
See what the day will bring
La da da da
Lift up your voice
Let love cut through the American noise
La da da da
Lift up your voice
Let love cut through the American noise
No matter who you are you’ve got a voice
Why don’t you use it
Sing your own song take all the noise
And make it into music
La da da da
La da da da
La da da daaaa
La da da da
La da da da
La da da daaaaaaa
La da da da lift up your voice
Let love cut through the American noise
La da da da you have a choice
Let love cut through the American noise
You’ve got a voice
Let love cut through the American noise
I never thought I’d be sitting in this cafe with a cup of black coffee, watching the Hollywood hills burn brightly with fire, my backpack full of confidence at my feet and a notebook full of lyrics to a song, all while I finally felt happy. Like knowing that I wasn’t this great big mistake that happened eighteen years ago is the best gift of all and I think dad knew that and he wanted to set me free. Dad set me free, now it’s time for me to keep the promise I made, take care of mom.