Harry and JJ used to be best friends. That was until Harry came out as gay. He never expected JJ to leave him and he falls into a deep, dark depression. He hurts so much and he tries finding away out of it all.
Warnings: Self Harm, Suicide.
Word Count: 2470 Words
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Harry was crying - he had been sat in the school toilets, back against the wall of the cubicle for an hour and a half. The words he'd heard just hours before kept running through his mind.
"Faggot!"
"Homo!"
"No one likes a faggot!"
"Go and kill yourself!"
Ever since he'd come out to the school, he'd lost everything. His popularity, his friends, his dignity and his confidence.
Wherever he went, he'd be greeted with either a snide remark or a punch in the face. You could say that Harry was used to all the bullying, but it hurt him more and more every day.
He was constantly being pushed closer to the edge, and even his best friends Josh and Simon didn't know his biggest secret.
He cut.
Some days were worse than others. Harry would spend hours on end withJosh and Simon. The three boys would spend the day listening to music or playing on the Playstation. Little did they know that as soon as Harry was behind closed doors, he'd lock himself in the bathroom and cut until he was dizzy from blood loss. The strain it took on his body was obvious; he started to lose the colour in his face and he was always shaky. But it felt so good to Harry, that he couldn't stop.
Harry knew that everything was his fault. He should have just kept his fucking mouth shut and nothing would have changed. The minute the two words "I'm gay" passed his lips, everything came crashing down. He'd lost everything and he hates himself for it.
Harry hates himself so much, he just wants to die.
It's a sudden decision to end it all, a sudden way out of all the pain he's feeling. He clambered to his feet and unlocked the cubicle, staggering towards the basins. He gripped the sink, swaying slightly as he became dizzy from the loss of blood.
His wrists were bleeding, not excessively, but enough to seep blood into his hoodie.
"What the fuck are you doing, Lewis!" Harry knew that voice all too well. Olajide Olatunji, one of the school's most popular boys, and one of his ex-best friends. The two boys had been friends since they were younger, and JJ was the first person that Harry had confided in about his sexuality. Because JJ was the one he was in love with.
Harry shook his head and pushed past the older boy, not even waiting to hear his reaction. He sped up, presuming that JJ would come up behind him and push him to the ground. He heard footsteps approaching him, and he broke into a run. "Harry!" JJ was following him. "Harry wait, please."
"Fuck off, Jide!" Harry's voice cracked, dashing out of the fire exit and towards his house before JJ could catch up with him. He was soon unlocking the front door with trembling hands.
He will never love you, you worthless prick. He doesn't care, he never did. He doesn't want you alive right now, leave. Do it, end it. He'll be happy.
JJ had noticed something was off with Harry for weeks. Every time he saw the younger boy in the corridors, he always looked like death. He had lost so much weight, and he had huge dark circles under his eyes which made his face appear sunken in. He knew for a fact that Josh and Simon had no idea - when JJ saw the three boys together, he would be the only one to see straight through Harry's fake smiles.
Of course he couldn't confront Harry about it - he had to keep his distance. He couldn't have anyone suspect that he was gay, he's hidden it for so long and there was no way on earth he'd ever risk his deepest secret coming out. Even if he had to avoid his best friend and act like he hated him for the rest of his life.
JJ hated treating Harry like he did. The group of boys he hung around with now were raging homophobes and wouldn't even let Harry walk down the corridor without at least a blow to the stomach or a punch in the face. JJ hated it, the look of betrayal on Harry's face each time he spotted JJ with the group of bullies, but it was the only way to ensure that his life wouldn't unravel because of the big secret he's hiding.
He followed Harry out of the building and sighed. JJ was supposed to be in Maths right now, but fuck it. He'd bunked lessons before, what damage would missing another hour of learning pointless equations which wouldn't benefit his future in the slightest do?
The older boy followed Harry and knew exactly where he'd go. Even though he hadn't set foot in Harry's house since he started avoiding his best friend, he knew exactly where his house was located. After all, it was almost like his second home throughout his childhood.
Breathless, he stumbled up towards the front door and wrenched at the door handle. Great, it was locked. He was tempted to turn away and make his way back to his own house, but it was something he'd heard in Harry's voice previously that almost forced him to stay. It was a kind of desperation and almost relief that he'd never heard in his voice before. To say that he was worried about Harry right now would be a complete understatement.
JJ had seen the scars which lined the younger boy's arms as he changed for their sports lessons. It wasn't like he was watching, but Harry did have an amazing body and JJ couldn't help it. But when he spotted all the marks on his arms, his heart had stopped and he'd struggled to breathe. JJ knew he'd fucked up and he didn't know how to fix it.
He clambered over the fence leading to the back garden of Harry's house and he climbed through the kitchen window, which Harry's mum insisted on keeping open in order to keep the kitchen cool. Harry's sobs were audible from upstairs, and JJ followed them as if they were the only thing keeping him alive.
Harry's mind was set, but his body couldn't understand - his fingers trembled as he held a glass under the tap, and pushed the tablets out of their foil cases. Harry doesn't know how many pills it will take to kill him, but he's going to take as many as he possibly can.
His heart pounded so loudly that all other sound was obliterated and the back of his eyes stung with tears that had taken so long in coming. He knew what was likely to happen - he was still competent enough to know that the drugs would sweep through him, making him drowsy - causing pain... but he didn't care, at least he would feel something before the end.
Harry held the tablets in his hand as if they were sweets before he started to swallow them one at a time. He soon lost count of how many painkillers he had consumed, but he knew they were working as he couldn't feel the pain in his wrists anymore. He was soon out of water, his mouth was dry and he was sure that his heart was going to break free from his chest. The end was so close.
It was so hard to swallow them down between sobs. Harry relaxed back into the cushions of the sofa in his room; he closed his eyes to prevent him seeing the room spinning; his arms and legs were becoming heavy, as though they were being weighed down by lead and the thought of sleep was so inviting... He could just lie down on the sofa and drift away.
His head resting against the arm of the sofa, he couldn't control it when he fell onto his side. He could feel his breathing slowing down as he was ready to slip away. He was sure that the thudding he could hear must be from inside his head, and the sudden lightness that seemed to be shining through his eyelids was the end.
"Harry! Harry!" He was vaguely aware of a voice calling his name – as though from the dark recesses of his mind, but a hand had fastened around the back of his neck and was forcing his head upright and fingers were jamming into his mouth, wrenching his jaw apart with considerable force.
Harry groaned and he forced his eyes open against the light. A pale and terrified looking JJ was peering into his face – it was his fingers pulling at Harry's mouth. "What did you take, Harry?" The words were fuzzy and far away. Harry closed his eyes again - he didn't want to see JJ, he didn't want a reminder of the guilt - his heart just couldn't take it. The younger boy opened his mouth to speak, yet no words came out. Suddenly JJ spotted the empty jar of pills on the floor and his heart dropped.
"Harry! Come on, how many did you take?" JJ begged, shaking Harry's shoulders more roughly than Harry would have liked – he wanted to sleep. "HARRY! You can't do this! Not now!" JJ pleaded, "How many, Harry?" Harry shook his head. Maybe he was dying? He'd finally get what he wanted. "H-Harry..." JJ's voice was trembling - he was wracked with guilt for he knew that he had done this to Harry. If he had just accepted his best friend's sexuality, just like the two Cal's had, Harry wouldn't be in this situation right now. Who was he kidding, of course JJ accepted him.
When Harry revealed that he was gay, a flicker of hope ignited in his chest. Yet JJ was scared.
He knew he was gay, he always did. But he simply didn't have the guts to act upon it. He wasn't homophobic, that would be completely hypocritical of course. He couldn't stand it - he couldn't stand being so hopelessly in love with his best friend. He thought it was wrong, and he'd refused to accept it countless times. But seeing the younger boy in such a vulnerable state and wanting to end his life caused all these feelings of affection to surface once more. "I can't let you go! I'm sorry..." It must be the end, as they were the words that Harry had longed to hear for so long.
His mind was becoming more and more detached; the external world less definite. The grip that was holding onto the back of Harry's neck tightened - forcing his head upright and leaning forwards and then fingers were rammed forcefully into his mouth and down his throat. "Come on baby, throw them up." Harry could feel his body react, lurching forward as the fingers acted as a manual reject; and he vomited over and over until his throat burned.
"I love you." Harry whispers, his voice hoarse. JJ's heart stopped as the words passed his lips, and he began to panic when Harry went limp in his arms. Harry's mind was sinking further and further, until the blackness consumed him completely.
After what seemed like months, but in reality was just a few hours, Harry became aware of a gentle murmuring. Was this it? Was he dead? If he was, then it was very soft - and warm. He felt remarkably comfortable.
A white brightness was shining through his closed eyelids, and something was gripping tightly onto his hand. Harry opened his eyes and took in his surroundings with some disbelief; he was on a bed, a sheet tucked right up under his arms. He's in the hospital, and JJ was at the edge of his bed, his hand gripping tightly onto Harry's hand. His face was pale, dark circles were present underneath his eyes and a look of absolute terror across his features. The second that Harry opened his eyes, JJ spoke.
"Haz?" The hand on top of Harry's squeezed tightly.
"I'm dead... aren't I?" Harry croaked, closing his eyes. This was torture, seeing JJ like this.
"No you're not," JJ answered.
Harry opened his eyes again and stared at the figure in front of him. "Why are you even here? You hate me," his voice dropped to a whisper. "I thought you'd want to see me dead."
JJ let out a choked sob. "I could never hate you, Haz. If anything, I hate myself," he rubbed at his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie, his other hand still grabbing Harry's and never wanting to let go. "Seeing you like that almost killed me."
"I'm sorry," Harry murmured, fiddling with the sheet on his bed and avoiding JJ's eyesight. "I just wanted it over, I just wanted it done. I was so tired of hurting and being alone all the time," he mumbled.
"What the fuck are you apologising for?" JJ chuckled softly. "Words can't describe how much of a dickhead I am," he slid his hand out of Harry's and began to trace the angry scars which littered Harry's wrists. "You're beautiful Haz, don't ever let anyone tell you different."
Harry froze, and his heart went into overdrive. JJ sighed to himself and continued, bringing his hand to Harry's cheek and forcing him to look at him. "I'm sorry... I never meant to hurt you..." JJ told him honestly, before desperately pressing his lips against Harry's. Harry was rigid, terrified that this was all just a joke. "You'll probably never forgive me and I understand that. I was scared. I was so fucking scared that people would judge me, and I didn't want to lose you. But I went and fucked that one up didn't I?" he smiled sadly, pulling away when he got no response from Harry. "I just can't take it: I can't stand the thought of you being in love with anyone else."
"I've never been in love with anyone else, it's you, it's always been you," Harry exclaimed. But for some reason, JJ's eyes were watering. "What?"
"I-I'm really glad I found you, Haz..." He was biting his lip. "I can't imagine what would have happened if I hadn't..." He dropped his head, taking an instant fascination in the floor.
JJ frowned as a few tears streaked his cheeks, and pulled Harry into a tight hug. Harry buried his face into the older boy's neck remembering his scent, and leaned into him. "I couldn't take it anymore,"
Nuzzling his hair, JJ murmured softly, "Don't worry, I'm here Haz. I'm here. I'm never going to leave you again. Ever. You never have to worry about hurting or being alone again. I love you, Harry."
"I love you too," Harry replied, a smile tugging at his lips - he couldn't even remember the last time he'd properly smiled. "I always have."