"The sorrow we feel when we lose a loved one is the price we pay to have had them in our lives."
― Rob Liano
The following day was full of sorrow, fear, despair and anguish but also hope, determination and a thirst of victory and revenge.
Not long after everyone was up, Rick called Hershel and Daryl outside to talk privately, which only made me a bit suspicious. I wasn't sure what was going to happen later and Rick wasn't being that specific.
As they talked outside, I saw Merle had started to tear apart some of the mattresses, there was no one else around so I walked into the same cell and grabbed the second mattress there and with my knife I also tore it apart.
"What are you doing?" Merle asked me with his eyebrows raised at me.
"Same thing you are doing," I told him, knowing exactly what he was looking for. "If I find anything, it's mine."
"You are not even going to share a tiny part with your old pal Merle?" he asked with fake hurt. "I would share with you, besides, how do you even know about this?"
"I was in jail for a while," I said casually, trying to act cool about the information I let slip out of my mouth, I knew Merle wouldn't tell anyone and wouldn't judge me. "My cell mates showed me all the treasures you can hide in these," I said, pointing at the mattress in front of me.
"You are full of surprises, ain't ya, Blondie?" Merle asked with a chuckle. "What did you do?"
"I'll never tell," I said, not looking at him. "All you need to know is that I ended up there and I know some tricks, just like you."
"I like you more now, Blondie." he said with a smirk, looking directly at my face.
Merle and I moved from cell to cell, he usually grabbed the mattress that was up in the bunker bed and I grabbed the one on the bottom, making sure we checked every corner of those things.
We were alone for quite a while, Rick kept talking with Hershel and Daryl outside, Glenn, Sean and Axel were checking the vehicles, Beth was taking care of Judith and the rest were checking the weapons and ammunition, making sure everything was in order.
"Found something," I exclaimed happily, holding a very small plastic bag. There was barely something to feel a slight sensation. "I'm going to give you some just because we've always been on good terms."
Merle held his opened palm in front of me as I allowed almost half of the white powder to fall on it, he smiled and wasted no time to use it.
I had used drugs on occasional times, before, after and mostly during my time in prison. I never used them often, mostly because I didn't have the money and I didn't want to get addicted to them but I had to admit they made things a lot better for a while.
I emptied the rest of the content of the bag on my palm and used it, Teresa was the one who showed me how to use the heavy stuff, she didn't get high often, though.
"Maybe we can find some more," Merle commented as he stood up and by his face it was quite obvious the drug had already kicked in. "Seriously Blondie, why did we never hook up?"
"I already told you," I said to Merle as we walked into the next cell. "Back at Woodbury."
"Back then I had no idea how awesome you actually are, we would make a hell of a team," Merle said with a wink. "Getting high during the day, making love, sweet love during the nights. Zero attachments, you know?"
"Not interested, Merle," I said with a shrug.
"I guess I'm too late, Blondie," he said with a chuckle. "My baby brother beat me to it."
"What?" I asked in disbelief.
"Don't play dumb, I know my brother better than anyone and I saw the way you two look at each other," he said making me blush instantly. "You can fool everyone else, pretending to be mad at each other but not me."
I kept looking at the mattress I had in my hands even when I was sure there was nothing in it, I just didn't want to look up and see Merle, who at the moment wasn't looking for drugs anymore, he was just watching me.
"Knew as soon as you were released and walked back here, saw it in his eyes," Merle told me and then I finally dared to look back at him, who for once, looked completely serious. "You make him really happy, happier than I had ever seen him. So at least he has something good in this shit world."
"Thanks but he also has you," I mumbled.
"I let him down so many times..." he said trailing off.
"He loves you," I told him. "More than you think."
"Hmm, if he ever has to decide, I'm not sure he would pick me again," he admitted. "He realized that time he made a mistake by going with me."
"Merle, you're his brother. I'm not even close to compete against you. Not even if things get serious between us."
"You make him happy, I just make chaos wherever I go." He shrugged. "Besides, with you he can get la..."
In that moment we heard someone going up the stairs, so Merle stopped in mid-sentence, which I was glad because I knew he was going to say something sexual, as usual. He continued to rip apart the mattress in front of him in silence, while I turned to look out of the cell to see who was coming, it was Rick.
"Just looking for a little vacation," Merle informed him. "Best dope I ever had was in a mattress."
"Does your mum know what you are doing, Cecilia?" Rick asked in a fatherly, authoritative way, just because he called me Cecilia instead of Cici, I knew he wasn't happy.
"It's not like it matters," I said shrugging.
"Can you go check on Carl for me?" Rick said and I just gave him a look. "I need to talk to Merle," he told and then he added, "alone."
"Alright," I said, standing up, getting the direct indirect. "Save me a small part if you find anything," I said to Merle as I walked out of the cell.
"Nothing," he muttered. "This place must have been no fun at all."
"We need your help." I heard Rick saying to Merle as I reached the bottom of the stairs, Merle just laughed.
Rick looked down at me and I just flashed him a smile before hurrying out of there, I actually wanted to hear something else but Rick caught me and waited for me to be out of there before he started talking again.
I walked into the kitchen where I saw my mother and Beth, the girl smiled at me as soon as she saw me and I smiled back at her. The little amount of drug I found was slightly kicking in but it wasn't enough to make me high or anything.
"Can you watch over Judith?" Beth asked me. "Maggie and Carl are helping get the walkers away from the the prison so they can set up a few traps, you know? And I want to help them, your mum will stay here, so you won't be alone, please?"
"Uh, I..."
"Please? She already ate and she will fall asleep soon, you just need to sit next to her crib in case she cries," Beth begged.
"Okay." I nodded, not being happy about being left alone with my mother in the same room. "I'll take care of her."
"Thanks!" Beth exclaimed smiling and ran outside.
I wanted to go out there too but I admit Beth takes care of Judith all the time, she needs a break from the baby, maybe going out will help her release some stress.
I glanced down at the crib and looked at the baby that was around a month old, as Beth said Judith's eyes were half opened, she was falling asleep but she was fighting it. She looked so peaceful I envied her, she had no idea what was going on.
I sat at the table closest to the crib, and started to braid my hair so it wouldn't get in the way if we had to fight today and it was a good way to pass time and ignore my mother, who was checking some boxes of ammunition.
I knew my mum was looking at me, I could feel her stare, and probably she wanted to say something but still hadn't dare or didn't know what to say while I just kept doing my braid.
Fortunately, Merle walked into the room and went up the stairs to look outside from a window that was on the top and with his presence in the room the awkwardness was mostly gone.
"Ain't no way," he muttered.
"What?" my mother asked.
"Nothing," he said. "We got any whiskey? Hell, I'd even drink vodka."
"Go to hell, Merle!" my mother exclaimed, looking up at him.
Merle just chuckled and then walked around the little hall until he reached the stairs, going down only a few steps and then rested his elbows on the rail.
"Are you with us?" my mother asked, this time not looking at him.
"Sure."
"I'm not talking about occupying the same space," then she turned to look at him again and I did too. "Are you with us?"
"I'm here for my brother."
"Well, he's here for us," she said, getting a bit uncomfortable but hiding it well. "It's not time to do shots. It's time to pick a damn side."
If only she knew the two of us were looking for drugs some minutes ago, she never found out I did them a few times before this and I just knew she would kill me if she ever found out, she went mad when she found out I occasionally smoke after I was out of jail, a horrible habit I started in prison.
"You ain't like you was back in the camp," Merle told her "A little mouse running around, scared of her own shadow."
"It wasn't my shadow, it was my husband's," she said, glancing at me for a couple seconds, Merle did too, but then they looked back at each other.
"Well, you don't seem scared of nothing anymore."
"I'm not."
"You're a late bloomer," he told her as my mother grabbed a backpack she had been filling with ammunition.
"Maybe you are, too," she commented before she left.
Judith started to get a bit restless then, I actually thought she was going to fall asleep. I decided to leave her there, maybe she was going to calm down by herself but she didn't. I sighed, stood up and picked her up.
"Good luck with that," Merle exclaimed as he went down the rest of the steps, leaving the room as well, leaving me alone with Judith.
She had eaten, been burped and her diaper was changed so I had no idea what else she could want besides sleeping but every time I tried to put her back in the crib, she just started crying again so I gave up. I sat again but this time with the baby in my arms, she was a bit restless but she didn't cry anymore.
"Hey!"
I turned around and saw Daryl by the door, he had his crossbow over his shoulder and as usual he wore his winged-vest, I smiled at him before glancing down at Judith again.
"Hi," I said to him.
"Have you seen Merle?"
"Yeah, he was here about ten minutes ago," I told him. "I don't know where he went, though."
Daryl then walked into the room and went straight to me, I didn't see him but I heard his footsteps, when he was in front of me I looked up to see him. He bent down until his face was in front of mine and then he put his hand on my cheek and caressed it before he just put his lips on mine, it didn't last long but it was enough to make my heart melt.
"Hadn't had the chance to do that today," he muttered as he looked into my eyes with a smile on his lips but I could see in his eyes fear and sorrow and also his face looked like he wasn't okay with something.
"What's wrong?" I asked him.
"Nothing," he said, leaning backwards and letting his hand drop to his side. "I need to look for Merle."
Before leaving he stroked Judith's head, pecked the top of my head and then walked out of the room. I knew something besides the war with the Governor was going on, and he and Rick knew and probably Merle as well, which was extremely weird.
Maybe the Governor wanted vengeance on Merle? Maybe it was something that concerned him and maybe that's why Daryl looked so torn.
I looked back down at Judith and noticed she had finally fallen asleep, as careful as I could, I stood up and lay her down on her crib and as I did, Hershel and his two daughters walked in, I smiled at them and they all returned the smile even when all our smiles weren't completely real.
"Want to join us, Cici?" Hershel asked me. "We'll read a Psalm from the bible in these dark times."
"Sure," I said and sat next to Maggie, right in front of Beth, who put her hands on top of mine after I rested them on the table.
"Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night. Nor for the arrow that flieth by day. Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness. Nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday. One thousand shall fall at thy side and ten thousand at thy right hand. But it shall not come nigh thee. Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked. Surely He shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler and from the noisome pestilence." Hershel read.
I only smiled at him when he was done, but he didn't smile back, he looked down at the bible in his hands, looking really bothered by something.
"Are you okay?" Beth asked him, letting go of my hands and grabbing his instead.
"What I wouldn't do to keep you two safe," he muttered, looking at Maggie and Beth.
He was going to say something else when Rick walked by, we all turned to look at him and Hershel almost jumped out of his seat and hurried to get to his side, it was quite fast for a man of his age using crutches.
"Rick? What you're about to do..."
"I can't," Rick said quickly. "I won't."
The three of us just stood up and looked at the two men, I was so confused by their conversation I wanted to ask what was going on but Rick walked away right when I was going to ask.
"What was that about?" Maggie asked.
"Nothing," Hershel muttered, dismissing her.
"I'll go out, guard or something," I muttered, sensing the atmosphere was getting a bit tense.
I walked out of the prison quickly and immediately saw Daryl, I smiled and walked towards him. He turned around, noticed me and smiled back.
"Found Merle?" I asked him.
"Yeah." he nodded. "Did Judith fall asleep?"
"A while ago," I told him. "Beth is taking care of her now."
"Are you scared?" he asked me.
"A bit," I admitted. "Are you?"
"A bit," he muttered.
We were all alone here so he wrapped his arms around my torso and I hugged him back immediately, resting my head on his shoulder while he rested his against the top of my head. I allowed myself to close my eyes and enjoy this moment because I had no idea how much it was going to last and when we were going to repeat it.
"We have such bad timing," Daryl muttered, speaking about getting together one day before we could die.
"Better later than never," I told him.
"I suppose."
I wasn't sure how much time we stayed in each other's arms but we were interrupted by someone opening the entrance door and walking out, we quickly pulled away and just stayed closed to each other, looking at Rick as he approached us.
"It's off!" he exclaimed. "We'll take our chances."
"I'm not saying it was the wrong call, but this is definitely the right one," Daryl said and his eyes brightened a bit. "What's wrong?"
"What's off? Why everyone knows but me?" I exclaimed.
"I can't find Merle or Michonne," Rick exclaimed, ignoring my question. "They've gone."
"Come on," Daryl exclaimed as he started running, Rick and I ran after him.
The three of us went inside a room that had another entrance, the generators were in there, but that was it, Merle wasn't in here.
"He was in here," Daryl commented. "Said he was looking for drugs."
"I guess he didn't find anything in the mattresses," I mumbled under my breath but Daryl heard me.
"What?"
"Nothing," I said with an innocent smile.
"Merle said a lot of things, actually," Daryl continued as he walked deeper into the room, followed by Rick and me. "Said that you were gonna change your mind."
Almost at the other end of the room there was a white bag on the floor, Daryl knelt to inspect it. I wasn't liking this. What was going on?
"Yeah, he took her here. They mixed it up," Daryl said as he looked at the floor.
"Damn it! I'm going after him!" Rick exclaimed as he was already going to the door.
"You can't track for shit," Daryl told him.
"Then the both of us."
"No, just me," Daryl said as he stood in front of Rick to stop him. "I said I'd go and I'll go."
"I'll go too," I said quickly, Daryl opened his mouth to disagree but I beat him to it. "Michonne's my friend, I need to go for her."
Rick and Daryl didn't look happy about it but Rick agreed and let me go, Daryl just sighed and I just gave him a look.
"It's not like I'm safe here either, Daryl," I said, walking to the door.
"Wait," Rick said as I put my hand on the knob. "Weren't you mad at each other?"
"Yeah, well," I said, biting my lip. "We can die, right? It's better if we die as friends than enemies."
"Right," he said a bit confused. "Well, I'm glad."
"You need to be ready when they come," Daryl told him and Rick nodded. "Your family, too."
Daryl pushed the door and ran out of there, I just flashed Rick a smile before I also ran outside before Daryl could leave me behind.
"Stay safe," I heard Rick yelling at me, I nodded even when he couldn't see me.
Since Daryl needed to track, we went on foot. Daryl concentrated hard, so at first we didn't talk at all, I just followed him closely and looked at every direction, making sure there were no walkers and also that we weren't being followed. Every once in a while I saw a walker or two and I killed them with my knife, so far I had killed about twelve.
"You should have brought your crossbow," Daryl said, not even bothering to look at me. "You wouldn't have to go to them to be able to kill them."
"I think now it's not the best time to practice," I told him. "Plus you didn't give me any time, if I would have gone for it you would have left me."
"True," he said with a slight chuckle.
Apparently Merle had chosen to walk on the road instead of going through the woods, which made tracking a bit harder for Daryl but he was pretty good at it, I saw nothing but a dirty street.
"Daryl?"
"Hmm?"
"What is going on?" I asked him, and he briefly stopped and looked at me and then resumed looking for tracks. "Why did Merle took Michonne?"
"The Governor said that if we give him Michonne, then there will be no war," Daryl told me, making me stop dead in my tracks. "Rick was going to do it but he changed his mind so Merle took her."
"Are you for real? Why Rick did even consider it? I don't even want to imagine what that man would do to her, oh my God!" I exclaimed, getting a bit hysterical. "Michonne took his eye, saw him for what he really was and killed his walker daughter, still daughter, though."
"I know, I never agreed to it," Daryl told me sincerely. "There was the possibility that he would leave us alone, Rick has to think about his kids, that's why he considered it."
"He would kill us anyway," I exclaimed. "That's how he is."
Minutes later Daryl got into the woods, I just followed him, not daring to interrupt him again, besides I was so furious and scared about the Michonne thing I didn't know what to say.
It didn't pass long until we saw a person and not any person, it was Michonne. She was stabbing a head, guess she didn't have much to do if she was actually stabbing a head.
"Michonne!" I exclaimed and ran to her.
"Hey!" Daryl said. "Where's my brother? You kill him?"
"Daryl!" I exclaimed in disbelief.
Michonne shook her head, "He let me go," she told Daryl.
"Don't let anyone come after me," Daryl exclaimed as he started running.
"I'm sorry," I added quickly before running after him.
Daryl stopped or slowed down only a few times and then started running at full speed again, I had to be honest, I was having a hard time keeping up with him but he knew his brother, he knew how unpredictable Merle can be, so he wasn't wasting any time, he needed to get to him.
Daryl stopped for good when we reached the place where the last meeting with the Governor took place, he told me it was here.
"Let's separate," I told him.
"Are you crazy?" he snapped at me.
"We might find him faster that way, stop arguing and look for him," I told him. "I'll be safe, I promise."
Before Daryl could protest, I walked away from him, going in the opposite direction. I walked with my knees slightly bent, trying to not be spotted. Rick told me last night the Governor wanted me but he believed I was dead, so it looks like he wanted both of you but Rick left that part out.
As I kept walking, though, I saw not a living soul, just bodies and walkers feeding on them. I threw my knife at one that was close to me but hadn't spotted me, the knife went straight at the bottom of his head, it fell dead-dead on the floor.
I walked over it, retrieved my knife and threw it at another walker that was a bit farther away from me, but this one had already spotted me. As the first one, I killed it with just one shot and repeated the process with a third walker.
As I kept walking I saw some more walkers but since they were quite away from me, I didn't bother with them, at least not now, I needed to find Merle and at the same time be careful, just in case the Governor and his men were around.
I checked everywhere and there was no sign of Merle or anyone alive really, everyone was dead here. I decided to go back and find Daryl, luckily there weren't any more walkers to kill.
As I walked to Daryl, I only saw more bodies, all of them had been shot in the head and some were half eaten, it was pretty disgusting. I decided to hurry and find Daryl and when I did find him, he was on the floor, I instantly ran to him, thinking he was injured, he had some blood on his shirt and hand.
"Daryl!" I exclaimed as I knelt next to him.
I was going to ask him what was wrong when I noticed uncountable tears falling down his face, I didn't know what to say. I knew Daryl wouldn't cry like this or even shed a tear if he got bit or injured in some way, it must be something else.
I looked around and saw a body quite close to us, at first I didn't mind him, it was just a walker, but I kind of recognized that shirt. I looked at the body more carefully, its face was destroyed, probably Daryl's doing but then my heart just stopped beating, because this walker was missing a hand and had instead a medical stuff and a knife taped to it.
Merle.
I turned to look at Daryl with tears already in my eyes. Daryl was on his back with his hands covering his face as he cried.
Hesitantly I put my hand on top of his forearm, he flinched but didn't remove it or yell at me, which I kind of expected.
"Daryl," I whispered, not knowing what to say to make him feel better, because nothing would make him feel better.
I ventured a bit more to lay my head on his chest and put my arms around him, hugging him, because that was all I could do. He didn't push me away which was good.
I didn't know how much time we spent like that but it didn't matter, I just looked around in case of a threat but so far we hadn't been interrupted.
Then I felt how Daryl started to sit up, making me sit up as well and letting go of him. He didn't look up at me but he had stopped crying. I stood up and stuck out my hand at him, he took it and I helped him up, once he was on his feet I wrapped my arms around him tightly, trying to tell him that he wasn't alone, that I was here for him, I would have said it but I had a lump in my throat, I knew I would break if I even tried to talk.
Daryl actually wrapped his arms around me, which surprised me a lot and once again he broke down, I felt how his body shook and I heard as he cried.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, letting some tears to fall down on my cheeks.
"We need to get back," he muttered, letting go of me. He dried his tears quickly and then started walking.
I sighed and then dried my own tears before jogging to catch up with him. I knew how he felt right now, I lost my own sister and saw her as a walker as well but I really didn't end it, and that was probably the hardest part of all, having to kill your sibling otherwise they would have killed you.
Daryl was there for me all those months ago when I felt like my whole world crumbled down to the ground and now, sadly, it was my turn to be there for him.
As we slowly walked back to the prison in complete silence, except for Daryl's sobs, I grabbed his left hand and intertwined our fingers, I gave it a squeeze and seconds later I felt him doing the same.
______________________________________________________________
Hey guys, this was a very sad chapter. I really considered not killing him because I just love Merle and I wonder if the story would have been better with him still on it but now it's too late to change it.
Who liked Merle? Many people disliked him but I think he's awesome.
So, my tournament is over. I was sick while I played it but even so I managed to win all my matches except for one, I got second, won a medal and $100 and I also qualified to the Pan Ams games in September, which was my goal of the year, going to that tournament, now I just have to train hard so I can play good there, still have some months to go. I'm really excited but I still can't feel like it's true, I guess I will fill it until they give me my uniform and the plane ticket :) Is someone here from Connecticut? The tournament is there.
And unfortunately I'm still sick, two doctors think it's a virus, a strong one. My stomach kills me, it burns and I get nauseas every day. I get headaches too and I'm very weak but that's probably because I barely eat. The only good thing is that I have lost like eight pounds, which I wanted to lose because I have trip in a bit less than a month. But I still feel like shit.
So, anyway, thank you for reading, fanning, and thanks for all the people that leave comments :) <3