Harry...
There are times that Gemma can be too much of a rowdy sister when it comes to pestering me. But there are times that trait of hers can be put to a good use. From the moment I 'accidentally' let her see the rumors about me and Selena; I knew my peace and quiet will not last long. But it was a price I was willing to pay just to see her again.
As much as it hurts my pride to admit it, out of Gemma and me, she's the one who Selena has a hard time of saying no to. But come to think of it, it seems I'm the only one who she can say no to nowadays.
She could even tolerate that fucking Bieber.
A neigh of irritation comes from Margot, telling me that my grasp on the brush I'm using on her mane hardened significantly, undoubtedly causing her discomfort.
"M'sorry, I guess I shouldn't be thinking of that twat, yeah?" I say, carefully patting her with my free hand.
A sound comes off from her again, but different from before it's much calmer, as if she's actually agreeing with me. I know I seem like a dick, ditching our guests to tend to our horses. I do have a soft spot for the magnificent creatures, but spending time at the stables was my last attempt to at least appear calm before she came - mum probably guessing my dour mood as she fended off Gemma's efforts to make me stay inside the house.
I don't even feel guilty that I used Gemma's methods of persuasion on her - desperate times call for desperate measures as they say. The only downside was my plan seemed to have backfired as I can't even come up with anything decent so say to her.
A whine of alarm suddenly sounds through the whole stables but it is the familiar shriek that follows that catches my interest. My head whips instantly and might have even caused a vein to snap, but I don't give a damn as I try to discern the cause of her distress.
But when I do so, I feel my eyebrows jump to my hairline. Of course, how could I forget? She's afraid of horses.
I know I should try to ease her already, both for her benefit and mine - since she is wreaking havoc already with the peaceful animals. But even so, I can't help but to just stay still and admire the comical sight - even at her panicked state, she's still so damn beautiful. I bite my lip in an attempt to contain my raging thoughts at the sight of her outfit - her tiny shorts gifting me with so much of her soft, inviting skin.
Thank God for the rare warm weather.
My appreciation however is cut short as I realize the effect of said weather on me, causing me to regret my initial decision to head here at the sheds. Here she is looking flawless as usual and here I am sweaty, filthy and definitely in need of a shower as I most likely smell like a thoroughbred too. Fuck.
But when I catch a glimpse of her pallid complexion before turning back to face the way she came from, all thoughts of hygiene vanish. I close the distance between us so my hands can wrap on her small arms and I resist the urge to moan as she relaxes on me, though that is short lived as the usually quiet steed frightens her once more, causing her to twist and tighten her hold on me.
I know I should take pity in her terrified state, but fuck I can't help but to think of ways to spoil these animals instead. But when her eyes dart to my tongue, add the heat of her touch and all logic is forgotten as I pull her closer to me. To my satisfaction, she complies, but just as I'm about to diminish the gap, Gracie disrupts us.
Well so much for the treats.
We bicker for quite a while and even though I know Gracie would quiet down eventually without me needing to dote on her, I think I like the way it makes Selena worry for my safety. So naturally, I grab the opportunity, relishing in her complete attention. I decide to tease her some more afterwards, trying my best to hide the smug smirk, but I know I am failing massively. I can't help it, it's so rare to receive any kind of affection from her anymore, and I'd be the liar of the century if I say I don't enjoy the way her eyes trail over my chest appreciatively. "So mind telling me the purpose of your visit, love?" I finally ask.
To my surprise her frustration disappears to be replaced by anxiety. I guess the tables have turned quickly, as I become the one who is watching with worry at her nervous state.
"For you"
"Me?" I asked, she gives me a small nod and I take that as my cue to accept the bag, peeking inside. I spot a small, neatly wrapped package. But before I could say anything, a tiny card taped to one side catches my curiosity, my breath hitching as I read the message scribbled in her slanted penmanship.
January 16, 2015
Harry,
Happy Birthday.
I know it's not much and I don't know if I'll even give this to you. It just reminds me of you, of us...of what we had. I hope I haven't destroyed that.
I'm sorry.
I miss you, more than you'll ever know.
Love,
Always - your Mia.
I don't know how long I stood there, going over her message again and again and again - my head unable to wrap around the concise text. The message is short and doesn't even contain the usual cheeriness and wishes of a typical birthday card. Some inks are even blotted with dried droplets - droplets of which I am fairly certain of the source.
It's filled with regrets and the uncertainty to it just proves her indecisiveness of sending it or just allowing the paper to yellow with only the cobwebs as witness. A lot would have even probably resorted to throw this card away and just write another once actually deciding to give it.
But I'm glad she didn't, because to me her hesitance was what made it all the more beautiful.
Ever since she came back in my life I felt I was only being faced with a shell of who she used to be, her soulful eyes always watchful and scared as she would let it roam around us before deciding what face to put on. It might get overwhelming for her, as the truth would come poking its head around from time to time. I would revel in it of course, but only while it lasted because I know by now that another day would mean another act for her.
But now as I held her note filled with smudges and apologies, I know she's finally giving me a glimmer of the truth that she's held onto for so long.
My breath catches again when my eyes accidentally drift upwards, the date I haven't noticed before adding to my swirling thoughts.
"January 16? You've had this...?" I asked, trailing off as my head tilted upwards to meet her hazelnut orbs filled with uncertainty.
"Almost a month since your birthday, yes." she answered lowly with a small nod.
"But you never..."
"Just because I didn't reach out, means I forgot Harry...I never did actually. I just..."
"Didn't know how?" I asked again, to be answered by another nod. Our sentences are filled with too many gaps, trailing off as we didn't know how to finish it on our own, only to be completed by the other. This reminds me why I will always need her in my life, knowing I'll never be whole without her anymore - and I don't just mean on the occasions that I get tongue-tied.
I just hope, to some extent - she needs me to complete her as well.
My focus shifts back to the item in the bag trying to hide the shaking of my hands as I grab it. Knowing her, I'd probably have more questions by the time I have it unwrapped, hopefully, she'll stick around this time for the answers.
I'm not sure if it's just my vision playing tricks on me, but I could've sworn she tried to hide a small smile as I tucked her message safely inside my pocket before gingerly tearing of the wrapper. I become at loss for words once I am able to fully unwrap her gift. Coming from a global sensation, one would have expected it to be the latest Iphone model or perhaps a car key.
But it was neither of those.
"Okay what's next?" I asked before catching the popcorn she chucked towards my mouth. "Let's see...so would you rather have an alien invasion or a zombie apocalypse?"
We were sprawled out on the couch, the movie playing more of a background noise as we didn't even pay it any heed. We were asking each other random 'would you rather' questions that we came up with.
"Alien invasion, I think they'll be easier to kill"
Selena snorted, my head turning immediately to her, my eyebrows raised in amusement "Really? You think killing unidentified creatures is easier? I mean what if they're immune to gunshots or other elements?"
"Well yeah, I considered that" I said scratching my chin as I shifted in my seat to face her fully "But at least they weren't humans before - what?" I asked after seeing the teasing smile on her face. "Aaaw, even at the thought of apocalypse - such a gentleman you are Harry Styles"
Despite being unwelcomed, I feel heat settle on my cheeks as laughter fled my lips. "Well, someone's got to keep the decorum alive, yeah?"
Her only reply was a shake of her head but a smile was still on her face, prompting the one I have to widen. A week has passed since I had first seen her in tears; she still took my breath away of course. But I would always prefer the sight of her crinkling, lively eyes and the corners of her luscious, plump lips twitched upwards.
"Okay, my turn."
I glanced down at the list I made since we decided to have a go at this game sitting at the cushion on top my lap. I still had quite a number of unasked questions, but none of them were the one I wanted to ask the moment I suggested this. I put the paper down, deciding to overcome my fear for once. She must have taken the look of my apprehensive face, her own changing into one of worry.
"Would you rather choose love or career?"
Her mouth that opened partially comes to a close again, seemingly stunned by my question. My tone is still much somber than what I was aiming for and she might have noticed as her face morphed into a more thoughtful one, bottom lip caught between her teeth.
She doesn't even call me out like I thought she would. We clearly did establish a rule to come up with the craziest questions we could think of and I know mine just crossed that off. But I don't mind losing a point nor do I even mind losing the prized cupcake the loser would have to buy the victor. 'Career' was even far from my mind when I started pondering over what I wanted to ask most, but it was the closest thing I could come up with to replace 'friend'.
For someone who has never fallen in love before, I don't even know if what I feel for her is enough to be labeled as that but even if so, I know I'm already on my way there. The funny thing is, despite having a girlfriend that many guys may envy, I'm not doing anything to deter it - I just find falling for this hazelnut eyed girl inevitable.
"I don't know Harry, it's the 21st century" she answered with a sigh, surprising me that she even considered it in the first place when I was expecting her to scoff or laugh. "I feel like women are expected to be wiser and more independent." she quoted with her fingers, her eyes rolling.
"And if one would ever choose love she'll be branded as weak and a fool. I mean, come to think of it, once or twice we get to be asked a question like that and we might always be quick to say we don't have time for love. But when the opportunity for love comes, most of us might not even hesitate in taking it right? I guess we just all try to hide it but at some point it will show how much we truly want it."
I feel the solemn expression lift from my face into a small smile. Who knew such a sensible conversation would stem from an innocent question? But with a mind like hers, I don't think I should be surprised anymore. My smile however was quick to vanish and be replaced with a frown as I take in her wistful features, immediately I know she must have been reminded of her breakup not too long ago. She is yet to give me the specifics of their separation, but I know it wasn't done on mutual terms.
Seriously, what kind of man would leave his girlfriend on the eve of her father's funeral?
Just the thought alone makes my fist twitch to break his nose. Despite this desire however, the sight of her trembling lip reminds me of my priorities. So as much as it takes all of me and more, I let go of my anger, telling myself I can make plenty of opportunities to bash his skull on the concrete. Besides, the point of this little vacation was to make sure her smile is to stay in place and judging by the rate we were going I think it's pretty safe to say it has been a success so far, no need to slip up now.
"Yeah, you're right." I say causing her orbs to fill with sudden curiosity as they flit up to mine. "We all want it at some point, we're just scared of it. Maybe that's why people would always be quick to choose career, since it's easier to predict and guarantees more security than love. But when it comes to it, you have my word Mia - I'll never think of you as anything else but strong and honest."
Just like I was hoping for, her eyes light up once more as color return to her cheeks "Well thank you Styles. But actually, I'm not sure if I'm in the position to choose between the two right now."
"What do you mean?"
"Exactly the reason why I preferred farfetched scenarios - so I won't be forced to think of the possibilities so seriously - but anyway, since you're such a rule breaker" she paused, widening her eyes in mock threat, earning a laugh out of me. "What I mean to say is, I think I can only answer your question when I'm faced with it - maybe if I have a thriving career and a great love life but I can only have one, then that's the only time I'll cross that bridge" she finished with a shrug of her shoulders.
It was a general answer - one that might be given by any who was asked the question. So I really couldn't understand why this piqued my curiosity some more "So what you're saying is" I paused, wetting my lips "That when you're faced with it, then-"
"Then that's the time you can ask me again - yes."
I feel myself give a small nod, unable to say anything else as my throat felt too tight. I don't know why her statement felt so foreboding - when just like I said before, it was a general scenario - one that could happen to anybody. But why did it become so hard to picture it with her?
I am unable to answer my own question, because - as if to intensify mocking thoughts of me never being that guy for her - my phone started to glow. I know I should feel the guilt weighing over me, instead I felt relief as I saw the movie had captured Selena's interest for quite some time now. Without even re-considering it, I carefully nudged the phone to the side, covering it with the cushion - good thing I was able to put it on silent a while ago.
If it wasn't for her tour I know Taylor would have tagged in this little getaway. I know I'm probably being a dick towards her right now, but I have my reasons. Her best friend was hurting and even though she'll hide it with a smile like she always does, I know being lovey-dovey with my girlfriend would just add insult to her injury, even if it's just through a call.
I glance up towards the beautiful woman sitting across from me, still oblivious of her surroundings as her gaze was still glued to the TV. One could have easily been fooled that she was watching intently, but the faraway look in her eyes told me I was becoming a failure in distracting her. It makes my heart clench to witness her forlorn state and just like that all thoughts of a blonde woman and unanswered calls flee my mind as I become focused on searching for anything that would brighten up her eyes once more.
An idea suddenly comes to mind and I grab it without hesitation.
Her laughter shortly rips the silence as I decided to tickle the pads of her foot with my toe, causing her to tuck her outstretched legs with swatting hands and a playful pout. "Keep your toes to yourself curly"
"You were distracted"
"You couldn't call my name?"
"Where would the fun be in that?"
"Dork"
"Anyway, have you heard? They're going to make a movie of your favorite book"
"You mean - love, rosie?"
"Yeah that one - what's wrong don't you like it?" I felt my heart plummet as I watched a scowl take over her features when I was expecting the opposite. "Movies don't do books justice Harold"
"I saw the cast list, seems nice"
Selena rolled her eyes dramatically, causing me to chortle "Of course it would, but trust me it would be a flap! The only movie worthy of the book is The Lord of The Rings."
"But what if it isn't?"
"Wanna bet?" Selena asked and I knew I had to bite my lip to keep from smiling, glad that she was taking the bait. "Sure as long as you'll see it with me"
Selena snorted, and this time I know there was no containing my smile as she spoke "Like I know any other dork to go with."
It happened in this same house years ago, but the image of her playing footsies with me in the middle of the night with her hair billowing around her like a soft halo still lingers fresh in my brain, just like any other memory I have of her. I know it's probably this particular one that urged her to gift me with this, but the way she fidgets nervously in front of me with her eyes trying their best than to meet mine - I just can't help but to feel and hope that there're more to her reasons.
This is the story of Alex and Rosie after all - two best friends who suffered lots of falling outs, failed marriages and unvoiced heartaches - all because they spent 50 years believing they were better off as friends.
It's obvious she's having trouble where to put her hands - clasping and unclasping it, crossing and uncrossing her arms, placing it on her hips - only to have the whole cycle on repeat, just like her gaze that is yet to settle on mine. I place the book back in the bag, carefully hanging it on a hook before taking tentative steps towards her.
"Thank you, but I think you didn't just come here to give me a gift, Mia" I whisper lowly as my fingers curl around her chin, her anxious hazelnuts finally meeting mine. A sharp gasp is her only reply as my other hand grasped her waist, while both her hands settled on my shoulders, the warmth waking up all my nerves, even the ones down to my toes. Her clothed chest brushes against mine with every single breath, igniting my senses further.
I rest my forehead on hers that had tilted some more, her eyelids fluttering close as her hands that were merely holding me are now clutched tightly, her nails digging on my shoulder blades as if she'd fall to her knees if I were to move away.
But of course, I don't.
Her eyes remain closed as my fingers that are on her chin move up to her cheek, thumb stroking the skin below her eye. She gives a sigh of contentment and just like that my brain gets fucking messed up as images of me burying myself inside her against the stable walls start flooding my mind. My hold on her waist must've tightened, as another gasp fled her, lips partially opening. One small move would be enough to seal our lips, but as much as I want nothing more, I use all of my restraint to pull back. Just one small touch and I know I won't be able to stop, but I also know that I should make use of her vulnerability and have her finally talk to me because I'm certain one more repeat of our cycle and I'm already guaranteed a unit in the psychiatric ward.
Her eyes open at the same time realization must've dawned on her of her susceptibility as red marred her cheeks. She made a move to step back, but thank God for my quick reflexes as I put my arm around her waist, pulling her flush against me. I know this isn't the most ideal way to talk to her as the feel of her soft, warm body against mine would only muddle my thoughts further, but I need her to know that I am not letting go this time.
"Talk to me Mia"
I watch her eyes trail over mine shakily, alerting me of the panic that is soon to come "I-I can't Harry"
"Why not?" I am surprised by the calm in my voice, when I am anything but. But I know letting the anxiety control me would only result to her fleeing again. I can feel my hold on her tighten on instinct, but I make sure it doesn't inflict pain as I try my best to calm her as I stroked her cheeks with the knuckles of my other hand.
It works somehow as she relaxes against me, but the fear is still vibrant in her gaze "I don't know how anymore"
"It's just me, love. I'm still your Harry."
I am surprised when she lets out a humorless chuckle "Yes...No...I don't know Harry" she exclaims as she steps back and I don't stop her this time - allowing her space as her hands flailed around her. "It used to be so easy for us, now...now I can't think when I'm with you...I can't look at you. I don't even know how to look at you anymore. It's so suffocating." she paused, looking on the verge of tears.
I don't speak yet, waiting and urging for her to continue and thankfully she does, her words leaving me stunned "But at the same time, you...you make me breathe as well and I can't help but feel like I'm losing my mind...you make me lose my mind Harry."
She uttered the last part in a murmur, her arms wrapping around her protectively as I can only stare at her in shock while her statement resonated in my brain, my mind unable to get past the idea of me being able to evoke the same feelings from her that she does so effortlessly with me.
A thought enters my mind - a reckless one to be exact. But I do remember it to be an effective thinking or at the least, calming method every time I sought it.
I just pray this is the one time that it will not fail me.
Without any acknowledgement to her tirade, I turn back and put on my shirt that I haphazardly discarded a while ago before moving on to hastily fix the saddle on Margot and free her from her restraints. I can't remember ever moving so rapidly at any given point, but I figure it best to move at such a speed before she can quickly catch on to my plan and leave.
Though there is no more denying it after I hoisted myself onto Margot's back and steered her towards Selena. Just as expected, her eyes widened, taking a few steps back, allowing us room.
"Harry what are you-"
"You said I can make you breathe as well, yeah?"
"Yeah but" She trailed off, apprehensively as her eyes warily gave us a once-over.
"Then let me do it better" I said, extending my hand out towards her. I didn't know that her eyes could widen some more, but it did in absolute horror as she stepped back again.
"Harry I-"
"Trust me Selena"
I can't reckon how long I sat waiting for the motionless girl, the only movement coming from her eyes, giving me a glimpse of the internal battle waging inside of her. But I make no move to rush her nor do I retract my request. God knows I can wait decades for this woman - though I do pray to him to give her a little nudge.
I almost give a sigh of relief as she finally conceded albeit still reluctant, reaching her hand out only to stop just as her palm was about to graze mine.
"Promise you won't let me fall?"
I drew in a sharp breath as my eyes unwillingly closed for a few seconds, considering how best to answer her question that seems to be more meaningful than intended. There is no hint of command on my gaze as I reopen them, only determination. She must've sensed it somehow, along with my unwavering stance as she didn't bother anymore for a reply, allowing my hand to close on her smaller one after she closed the gap between them.
I removed my foot from the stirrup, allowing hers to settle, while using my strength to carefully help her up. I resist the urge to groan as I am granted quite a view of her scantily clothed dainty bum before she finally lowered herself on the saddle - leaving no space as I use the ride as an excuse to push myself closer to her.
Pride surges within me as I see her composing her shaky bearings, firm on not letting her fear overrule her this time.
"Ready?" I whispered in her ear. She gives me a little nod, almost unnoticeable but the only permission I need. She gasps as I propel the horse to move forward, in deliberately small steps. One of her hands finds my left one that is splayed on her belly in a protective embrace, while her other rests on my thigh.
"I promise I'll always catch you Mia" I whisper again before placing a kiss on her temple, finally able to search for an answer worthy of her question. An answer I intend to fulfill in every sense of the word.
AN: I know the 2nd GIF should be a serious one, but I can't find any. Harry is such a doofus. This is one of my favorites so far, hope you liked it as well. :)