"I just want to be someone, to mean something to anyone."
– Charlotte Eriksson
Daryl's POV
I just spent one of the worst nights of my life. I couldn't even sleep because I knew it wasn't safe here, there were walkers everywhere and also because I missed the group, I never thought I would say that but I miss them, all of them.
Rick, Carl, Beth, Glenn, Hershel, Maggie, Carol, Little Ass-Kicker, Teresa, Oliver, even Axel and Sean. I missed them all but now I had another person to miss, Cecilia.
I only could spend less than a day with her but it was enough to hurt. Once Merle was gone she was the person I cared about the most, and I didn't even know why. Saving her made our bond be really strong and before I knew it, we were something like friends and once I realized that, instead of pushing her away like I would have normally done, I let it happen and it wasn't until she was gone that I realized why I did that. I was sick of feeling and being alone and she made me feel like I mattered to the group, like I was special in some way, like for once, someone actually needed me.
And it felt good. I had never had someone in that way and I enjoyed it. The little time we spent together, I cherished it.
"Still sad about that little girlfriend of yours?" Merle said in a mocking way, he had been doing that all morning.
"Shut the hell up!" I exclaimed and gave him the finger, he just laughed at me. Fucking asshole.
Before the turn, I had some mates but it was only to drink, to party, to have a good time in a bad way and with girls, I never had a female friend, I didn't even have a girlfriend. I only had girls to have sex with them, sometimes only once or seldom a few times with the same one but it never became something serious. They were probably even more empty and damaged than me, but Cecilia was different. She made me realize that I wasn't a bad man, I just needed to act like one, because of Merle, because of my fucked up life, but I didn't need to be like that anymore, the group accepted me and preferred how I actually was, not who I pretended to be.
And when I saw her for the first time in months I wanted to push her away because I knew sooner or later I would lose her again, it will hurt less but I couldn't keep away from her. I held her tightly the whole way to that damn town and I'm glad I did it because that was my only chance to do that and I was really glad that even after all the months we were separated our relationship hadn't changed, we weren't awkward or uncomfortable around each other, but like if it mattered now. I left them, I left her, I left all those good things behind, including food and shelter for my brother and I couldn't help but try to convince myself I made the right choice. He was the only family I had left after all.
Speaking of him, he was taking a piss at the moment, trying to pretend this all situation was cool and alright. I was just leaning against a tree, looking away from him.
"There ain't nothing out here but mosquitoes and ants," I said out loud just seconds after my stomach rumbled loudly.
"Patience, little brother. Sooner or later, a squirrel is bound to scurry across your path."
"Even so, that ain't much food."
"More than nothing," he said to me.
"I'd have better luck going through one of them houses we passed back on the turn-off."
"Is that what your new friends taught you? Hmm? How to loot for booty?" Merle asked me as he finally finished and walked to me, still zipping up his pants.
"We've been at it for hours. Why don't we find a stream, try to look for some fish?"
"I think you're just trying to lead me back to the road, man. Get me over to that prison."
"They got shelter, food, a pot to piss in," I said trying to persuade him. "Might not be a bad idea."
"For you, maybe, ain't gonna be no damn party for me," he told me. "Besides, that's not why you want to go back, is it?"
"Of course it is," I said to him, looking down at my crossbow. "I'm fucking starving, man. I want my bed, I want food."
"Nah-ah, you want to go back for that girl, for Cecilia, I ain't stupid," he said and I felt my heart beating faster.
"That's not true and you know it."
"I saw you two yesterday, I saw the way you hugged her, the way you kissed her. I ain't blind," he exclaimed. I still didn't look back at him, I even lowered my gaze even more as I heard him chuckle. "You became a fucking superhero when I was gone, huh? She told me you saved her. Told me lots of things and I think you are in very big shit, little bro, I think you fell for her."
"That ain't true!" I exclaimed quickly. "You know I don't do that shit. I don't love people, I don't fall in love either."
"Hmm, I think she softened you. You were a lost case since that day you let her into your tent all those months ago," he told me with a chuckle. "And the worst is that she fell for you too, guess the superhero thing was what charmed her." I blushed at his last statement even when I knew it was nothing but a bunch of lies and speculations from Merle, she would never fall in love with someone like me. Merle raised an eyebrow as he pat my shoulder.
"What was I supposed to do?" I asked, getting angry now, and glancing at Merle for a few seconds. "Her dad beat her, she was out in the open! I couldn't leave her there as walker bait and you also offered her to stay with you, so don't give me that crap!"
"Yeah, I did that but not for the same reasons you did," Merle said with a smirk and a wink.
"You bastard!" I exclaimed, pushing him, wanting to punch him but I stopped myself, knowing it would be of no use.
"Hey!" he exclaimed angrily, pushing me too. "It was a fucking joke! Chill! Or are you jealous? Hmm?"
"Don't be stupid!"
"I gotta tell you, she was one of the few peoples I actually like. She wasn't whining all the time and actually fought for what she wanted instead of waiting for a man or anyone else to get it for her. She's a survivor just like us and exactly that earned her lots of points in her favour. She told me everything she went through after the bunch of you left her behind, just like all of you left me!" he shouted the last part but then he calmed down again. "She told me where that farm was, we were going to go together to look for you when everything went to shit. She's a good girl."
"What's your fucking point, Merle?"
"She helped me, she can actually shoot and she's damn good at it. It's such a shame she didn't come with us, we would make a damn good team! Kill biters during the day, fucking at night. We could have made a fucking threesome, sounds good, huh?" I took deep breaths to calm myself down, how dare he said that? But I did glare at him and he just laughed. "Anyway, somehow she has gotten a place on my 'good people' list. I even killed the idiot that tried to shoot her, I told them all they couldn't do a thing to her, couldn't even lay a single finger on her and this bastard was going to shoot her, fucking asshole."
"You did what?" I asked in amazement.
"No big deal," he muttered with a shrug. "I didn't even like that guy, I was more than willing to kill him before he tried to kill her, I just needed an excuse."
"Have you told her?"
"No and I won't, she doesn't need to know," he said to me. "Anyway, as I was saying, she's a badass girl and I like her. If we were like everybody else, I would approve of the two of you, hell, I would even throw a damn party or something but we are not like that, little brother. You said so yourself, you don't love people, you don't get attached. So you better get your shit together, stop being so fucking gloomy about it because if you don't you'll get yourself killed, understand?"
I said nothing, I only glared at him who laughed at my face. He patted my back and I just jerked aggressively out of his touch.
"Sensitive, huh?"
"You don't fucking understand!" I yelled. "She saved me as much as I saved her, but in a different way. She made me happy, for once in my fucking life I was truly happy and I believe you have no idea how that does feel. And I lost her, then she comes back into my life only to fucking lose her again, because of you! I'm miserable, hungry, cold and tired, all because of you!"
"Hey, I offered her to come with us, ain't my fault. Like I said I like her, I like her strong spirit, her surviving skills but you should stop being such a pussy about it and move on. I bet she already moved on. Besides, they're all dead. If we are here now or not makes no difference."
"How can you be so sure?" I asked, getting extremely scared for her, for all of them.
"Right about now he's probably hosting a house-warming party where's he gonna bury what's left of your pals, of your little sweetheart," he said and I almost lost it right there, but instead concentrated on my crossbow again. "Let's hook some fish. Come on!"
I took a deep breath just before I started walking and went after Merle. I held my crossbow tightly, in case there were walkers around but I really wasn't paying attention to where I was going, or to what Merle was saying because three words kept repeating in my mind.
"They're all dead."
Dead. Dead. Dead.
I shook my head slightly to keep those thoughts away, they couldn't be dead, they just couldn't. Even if that Governor attacks them, they can fight, they are strong, it can't end like that.
Merle continued to speak as we walked while I just muttered a 'yeah' or a 'mhm', but I really had no idea what he was talking about. The people I had got attached to were in danger, maybe just maybe, killed by now, I couldn't stop thinking about them. I didn't know I care so much about them this much until now, it was so weird for me to worry and care about someone.
"Hmm smells to me like the Sawhatchee Creek," Merle said and for some reason I caught that.
"We didn't go west enough. There's a river down there, it's got to be the Yellow Jacket."
"You have a stroke, boy? We ain't never even come close to Yellow Jacket."
"We didn't go west, just a little bit south. That's what I think," I told him, being almost one hundred percent where we were.
"Know what I think? I may have lost my hand, but you lost your sense of direction, stop thinking about that girl already and concentrate!"
"Yeah, we'll see," I muttered, ignoring the last part.
"What do you want to bet?"
"I don't want to bet nothing," I exclaimed angrily, getting sick of his attitude. "It's just a body of water. Why is everything got to be a competition with you?"
"Whoa, whoa. Take it easy, little brother, just trying to have a little fun here," he said as I heard something weird. "No need to get your panties all in a bundle."
"You hear that?" I asked him, hearing it again, it sounded like a baby crying.
"Yeah, wild animals getting wild."
"No, it's a baby."
"Oh, come on," he said in an incredulous way. "Why don't you just piss in my ear and tell me it's raining, too? That there's the sound of a couple of coons making love, sweet love. Know what I mean?"
I kept walking, fearing the baby might be Ass-Kicker, and came across a bridge over a river, there were many walkers on it and people were screaming. I was sure now that they weren't Rick or the others because these people were speaking in Spanish, but still I had to help them, I had to help that baby.
The heartless bastard of Merle just chuckled at the scene as it was some kind of comedy but this was serious. I didn't said or did anything to him because I couldn't waste time.
"Hey, man, I ain't wasting my bullets on a couple of strangers that ain't never cooked me a meal or felicitated my piece," he said but I just kept moving towards them. "That's my policy. You'd be wise to adopt it, brother."
As soon as I got to the bridge, I saw a man that was trying to get free from a walker's grip that was about to bite his leg. I narrowed my eyes with my crossbow raised and shot an arrow at its head, it went right through the middle of it.
I killed a female walker that was almost in front of me then, I took the arrow back and just thrust it deeply into another walker's head.
Finally the older man reacted, he jumped from a car and grabbed his gun, shooting another walker. I put the arrow in my crossbow and shot two walkers that were on top of the car. I hurried to get to the car and grabbed a walker that was inside the car by its feet, I pulled it out and closed the trunk forcefully, making its head explode.
I saw one more walker going my way, I was about to grab another arrow when I saw Merle, with his gun raised, pointed at it.
"Daryl! I got ya!" he said and shot it, hmm about time.
I hurried to my backpack, which I had let fall to the ground earlier, I grabbed another arrow as I heard the man speaking to me in Spanish, I knew a few words, mostly because Merle liked the language but I couldn't understand a single work this man was saying.
"Speak English," I said, getting frustrated with him.
I killed two more walkers with my crossbow before I left it on the floor and grabbed my knife, running to a walker and digging my knife deep in its skull, I kicked it and it fell in the river below us, that was the last one.
I panted it as I looked down to the river, the man was standing next to me, breathing heavily as well. I took a quick glance at him before walking away, as I did I saw Merle opening one of the doors of the car where the woman and her baby were.
"Alejate de mi carro!" the man shouted, Merle just pointed his gun at the man.
"Slow down, beaner," Merle said calmly, as I walked on the other side of the car thinking of a way to stop Merle. "That ain't no way to say thank you."
"Let 'em go," I told him.
"The least they can do is give us an enchilada or something, huh?" Merle crawled inside the car looking for food, most likely. Hmm, and he was against going inside an empty house to try some luck, this was worse than that, fucking hypocrite.
I walked to the other side of the car, stopped right behind Merle and pointed my crossbow at him. The man and apparently his son were getting very edgy and the baby was crying even louder now, I had to do something.
"Get out of the car!" I ordered him firmly.
"I know you're not talking to me, brother." I turned to look at the man.
"Get in your car and get the hell out of here!" I shouted. "Go! Get in your car! Go!"
I had no idea how but the man understood me, father and son ran to the other side of the car and got in quickly, as Merle slowly turned to look at me with an angry expression, I just kept pointing my crossbow right at his face. He stood up straight and slammed the door of the car. I heard the engine and they drove away, it was then when Merle just put a hand on my crossbow and pushed it away, as I kept glaring at him. How could he be such a bastard?
I wasn't even that mad at him, I was more upset about the fact that at some time I was pretty much like him, I wasn't as heartless as him but I was close to it. It almost made me sick to think that before all of this I was following his steps, slowly becoming him.
As I walked away from him and grabbed my backpack, I silently thanked the group but mostly Cecilia for changing me in that way. I still had a long way to go but I knew I wasn't a lost case, not anymore.
I kept walking, grabbing back my arrows that were on the heads of the walkers as I passed by. At the end of the bridge I read a sign that read 'YELLOW JACKET CREEK', I almost turned around and rub it in Merle's face but I was so upset I just kept going, back into the woods.
"The shit you doing, pointing that thing at me?" he growled at me.
"They were scared, man," I told him.
"They were rude is what they were," he exclaimed. "Rude and they owed us a token of gratitude."
"They didn't owe us nothing."
"You helping people out of the goodness of your heart? Even though you might die doing it? Is that something your Sheriff Rick taught you?"
"There was a baby!" I shouted at him, stopping in my tracks to turn to face him.
"Oh, otherwise you would have just left them to the biters, then?"
"Man, I went back for you! You weren't there. I didn't cut off your hand, neither, you did that," I told him. "Way before they locked you up on that roof, you asked for it."
"You know, you know what's funny to me? You and Sheriff Rick are like this now," he said, putting two of his fingers together. "Right? I bet you a penny and a fiddle of gold that you never told him or that girl that we were planning on robbing that camp blind."
"It didn't happen," I muttered.
"Yeah, it didn't 'cause I wasn't there to help you."
"What, like when we were kids, huh?" I shot at him. "Who left who then?"
"What? Huh? Is that why I lost my hand?" he shouted at me.
"You lost your hand 'cause you're a simple-minded piece of shit!" I exclaimed, starting to walk away.
"Yeah? You don't know!" he exclaimed, going after me and yanking at my shirt, I fell and I could hear my shirt ripping. "I..."
I just stayed on my knees, feeling as vulnerable as when I was just a little kid. Merle saw them. He saw my scars, my horrible scars that showed how defenceless I used to be and my awful past. The scars that proved why I was the way I was.
"I didn't know he was..."
"Yeah, he did!" I said quickly, trying to fix my shirt and putting my backpack over my back to cover my scars. Nobody had seen them and I hated to feel like this, so... so exposed. "He did the same to you. That's why you left first."
That's why even when I was a complete jerk and didn't give a damn about any person of the group all those months ago, I helped Cecilia. That's why I let her sleep in my tent, that's why I used to stay close to her when I wasn't out hunting, I wanted to protect her. I wanted her to have someone there for her because I didn't have someone to be there for me. I know what it feels like and I didn't want her to keep going through the same things I did, I just wanted to make things better for her.
"I had to, man." I heard Merle saying to me as I finally stood up and started walking. "I would have killed him otherwise."
My shirt was completely ripped but luckily I had my backpack to cover my back. Even when I was alone I hated my back to be naked, I always had to be wearing something, that way the truth could be ignored a bit.
I took a deep breath trying to stop thinking about it, about my father, about all those times I was all alone because Merle wasn't there, because my mother wasn't there, because no one was there.
I kept walking without looking back at Merle, not even a single time. Now I knew what I had to do.
"Where you going?" he shouted at me, finally making me stop in my tracks and I turned to look at him.
"Back where I belong," I said without hesitation, without doubt. It shocked me a bit because it was true, I belonged there, I belonged with them, I finally felt like that and it made me feel such a huge joy in my heart, the feeling I got when I said those words aloud knowing they were true was inexplicable.
"I can't go with you!" Merle told me. "I tried to kill that black bitch, damn near killed the Chinese kid."
"He's Korean," I said quickly.
"Whatever!" he exclaimed in an annoyed tone. "Doesn't matter, man. I just can't go with you."
"You know," I said, raising my hand and pointing the arrow I was holding at him, feeling my voice starting to break a bit. "I may be the one walking away but you're the one that's leaving – again."
And with that I walked away from my brother, it killed me, it really did because I love him with all my heart but I made the wrong choice by coming here with him, I should have never left.
Glenn, Maggie, Cecilia and Rick begged me to stay, I saw how sad, hurt and shocked they were when I decided to go with Merle, I couldn't realize it then but now I do, they care about me, maybe as much as I care about them, about most of them anyway. I can't say I have missed Sean or Teresa, but the others, I haven't stopped thinking about them.
I felt myself smiling at the memory of people actually being sad because I was leaving, I smiled at the memory of Rick's face when we said our farewells, or when Cecilia ran to me and wrapped her thin arms around my waist, I admit I didn't want to let go of her, for some reason I wanted to stay there forever, in her arms. It killed me to unwrap her arms from around me and walk away from her, leaving her, to what I noticed, broken.
"Damn it, damn it!" I heard Merle repeating some feet away from me. I just shook my head at him, trying to ignore him as I just walked faster, trying to get as fast as I could back to that prison.
Cecilia's POV
Glenn's coping was completely wrong. He wanted to attack Woodbury on his own, wanted revenge and none of us could get him back into his senses.
At the moment he was rushing towards a big pick-up I hadn't seen, they probably got it while I was gone for all those months. Hershel and I ran after him, being worried about him doing something stupid that could cost him his life.
"Glenn!" Hershel shouted again but more firmly, making Glenn finally stop. He walked towards the old man, looking pissed. "You're not going back to Woodbury, are you?"
"No. I'm just going out there."
"Then let me go with you," I told him.
"No, I got it," he snap at me.
"We used to do this kind of things together all the time," I muttered, looking hurt.
"We used to, yeah, not anymore, things have changed and besides, one of your stitches snap or something, you are bleeding there," he said looking at my right arm, I put my left hand over it to cover it.
"It's nothing, you know that. I don't even feel it."
"I'll go," he said, turning away from us.
"By yourself? How can you possibly think that's a good idea?" Hershel exclaimed. "You went on a simple formula run and got the crap beat out of you, Maggie was attacked."
"Are you saying this is my fault?" Glenn asked raising his voice.
"No."
"I did what I could!" Glenn exclaimed, glancing at me for a second before looking back at Hershel, he probably blamed me for this.
"I know you did, so does Maggie. She's one of the two people most precious to me in this world. I trust you with her life. I still do," Hershel told him. "But this rage is going to get you killed."
"With Daryl gone and Rick wandering Crazytown, I'm the next in charge," Glenn exclaimed to us and walked away, towards the pick-up.
"What are you proving?" Hershel exclaimed but Glenn didn't turn around again, he simply got into the vehicle and drove away. Leaving me alone with Hershel. Carl, who opened the first gate to let Glenn out, ran to me once he closed it again and I put an arm around his shoulder.
"Come on," I muttered, I tried to turn us both around but Carl wouldn't bulge, he just kept looking out at the woods in front of us. I noticed Hershel was going towards the fence, I assumed he was going for Rick.
"Thanks for being here," he whispered to me.
"You don't have to thank me for that," I said, removing the sheriff hat and kissing the top of his head, before putting the hat back on his head.
I didn't want to admit it but the group was shattering. The leader was like Glenn said, in Crazytown, Daryl was gone, Maggie was pushing everyone away, Glenn was being consumed by rage, Sean barely talked to anyone, my mother was too busy flirting with Axel, Teresa and Oliver weren't the same anymore, I noticed they hadn't even looked at each other, and when they did they just glared, Carl was just a broken kid, Beth's attention was all for Judith, Michonne wasn't even considered part of the group, Hershel was trying to control the situation but it was getting out of his hands and then there was me, who was struggling to not plummet to the ground and keep my shit together because I felt like I was the last standing pillar in here, supporting everyone else, and if I gave up and fell, then everyone was going to hit bottom.
Even if it required all my emotional and mental strength, I had to keep strong, not only for Carl this time but for everyone else. I had to keep this group together, maybe that's why I was back at such a difficult time, maybe that's what I was meant to do.
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Hello guys, I haven't written in Daryl's POV in like forever, what do you think of it?
Who watched the Season finale? I honestly think it was a bit boring, I was expecting way more. Who do you think Negan killed? My bet would be either Abraham or Eugene
QOTD: Do you guys like the quotes at the start of each chapter?