Chapter 13
Luke's lips were electric pushed against mine, shooting sparks of heat through my body. I could feel love pulse in my veins for the man over me, kissing me, and the more I felt this depth and longing swelling into me, the more I welcomed the idea of letting it out. Because since his lips pressed against mine, I had to do more than entertain the idea of kissing him back.
The moment his lips touched mine, they started to move gently and I moaned when the sensation hit me of him softly nibbling against my lip. I only kissed him a couple times before. But I could never get tired or forget the texture of his lips, moist and warm and welcoming. And though I was taking this situation in the form of shock, I didn't freeze. I didn't stop to question a damn thing when I felt his lips on mine; I kissed him back, just as sweetly as he was me.
Because it was sweet. I could feel it radiating from his body, that sweetness. There was so much of it radiating from him and into me. Pushed against me, over me, I felt his arm tighten around me and his other strayed up more, cupping my neck in his hand. Laying under him, I let my fingers automatically wrap in his hair as I held him there, loving this moment between us and the growing movement that began to exist too.
As my other hand traveled up the side of his face, caressing his soft skin, I felt him nudge my leg slightly, trying to push it up and around his and when he wouldn't dare take his hand away from me to do so, I did it without a second to think it over. I wrapped my leg around his and soon, my other followed as I gripped his hair tightly as we kissed. Moving my lips deeply in his, softly, my body reacted from him through shivers and goose bumps. He tasted so good, had a scent that nearly put me under, and felt like he belonged over me like he was.
I was pushed up and against him as tightly as I figured possible. So tightly intertwined, like puzzle pieces dying to fit. And now, extending that sensation, I received the overwhelming results of bottled up feelings; not just from me but from Luke as well.
His lips became more hasty, his tongue pushing his way through to me to roam my mouth, gliding them over my teeth and I responded the same. Lips and tongues clashing, I felt my hand against his cheek move down and wrap around his shoulder, holding him harder against me.
The excitement in me reaching a new high, I held onto him tighter as I pushed our bodies closer. And in that moment, I wanted him to take me and make me his. I wanted this to last forever, no matter how dumb that sounds. I did. Because as he was holding me in his arms so tightly, I felt loved by him, I felt safe, like I was the only girl in the world for him.
I let my hands both come to clasp his neck and cheek between my fingers as I kissed his tender lips and he did the same. It felt so... nice and loving. Even as his hands started to explore my body, rounding my hips and daring to go down to my ass, I still felt so warm and safe in his arms.
When I felt him moan against my lips, the vibration and the soft breath brushing my skin from his nose... it was as if I was under a spell of just him. He was everything in that moment, so close and so open for me. I pressed my lips harder into his at the passion that started to flow and could feel his hand that came to rest on my ass grip me tighter to him, to the point where I no longer was touching the ground with him over me. I was enfolded in his grasp and against his chest as tight as he would dare hold me.
If only it were to stay that way because that kiss was about to swallow us whole. It was about to take a serious turn soon enough. I could tell with where my hands were about to lead, with how deep Luke was taking this, and with how much I could feel we both wanted this.
I was already lost by the time it stopped. I didn't expect him to break away so forcefully or so quickly after joining our lips, as if zapped back into reality. Confused at what happened, the answer was above me, laying over me. Because when he broke away and disconnected our lips, you can bet he was the one that did it and not me. I wouldn't have with how amazing I felt in those moments.
I was breathing heavily when I felt his lips leave mine and when they did, I didn't open my eyes for a moment. I was too reluctant to go back to reality. I wanted my eyes to remain closed. Especially when I knew what I would see if I opened my eyes. When too long of a time passed, I knew I had to open my eyes and sure enough, Luke's eyes were more than wide. They were filled with fear and guilt, aimed straight to me.
My hands still on his face and his on me, his eyes were all that moved. Searching my face, he pursed his lips and gave me a sorry look. I was prepared for the words before he said them. After all, we are talking about Luke here.
"I'm sorry," he blurted out. "I didn't mean to do that."
Searching his eyes, I didn't want to face my own feelings. I wanted to face his. And his were cloudy in the form of his eyes. A couple stood out but the dominant was guilt. He closed his eyes tightly after he said that, his breath ridged and when his eyes reluctantly opened again and found mine, he waited for me to say something.
I just shook my head slowly. Figures he'd be guilty. Him and his fucking morals. I was less shocked as I was disappointed at the moment. "Of course you didn't," I mumbled. My stomach twisting inside me, I scowled and looked away from his eyes. It hurt, I wont lie. At the same time I understood exactly. Luke was the kind of man who can't handle knowing he did something wrong. And though I have a good idea that he still has feelings for me, he didn't mean to act on them as he had. That didn't mean I wasn't pissed off either though. "Get off me," I whispered, wanting more than anything for him to get away from me and my still craving body.
Stunned still, he only managed to nod after a moment and moved his body off from over me. The second he was off of me, I made my escape. Standing up, I refused to look at him from where he stood next to me.
"Listen, I am sorry," he said, grasping my arm to hopefully get me to look at him. And of course, I had to. His eyes were sorry and I knew he was. I knew he was hurting and because of that, I was hurting. But how can he expect me to be all 'okey-dokey' about what just happened and brush it off?
"Well thanks I guess. I'm just sick of it happening," I mumbled, breaking my arm from his and heading towards the stairs, just wanting to be away from him for right now.
"Albany," he said a little more sternly, getting my attention and I groaned, turning back around from where I was walking to look at him. His eyebrows were lowered, his clothes disheveled, and his hair in every direction after my hands were wrapped in them. It was an appealing state, one I ignored when the feelings for him in me right now were anything but 'appealing.'
"What?" I demanded. "What? I'm done with your fucking morals and if you looked pass them, you would see there are more important things in life besides doing what you think is right. Sometimes that isn't enough, to do what's right just because you know it to be. You're not the only one suffering, do you understand? No you don't. You're busy keeping your life in check with all your personal rules." I blurted out and when I saw his eyebrows raise, his eyes begged in mine.
"Don't you think I know that?" he asked in a smaller voice, his tone lowering and I heard the frustration ring loud and clear as well. "Don't you think I hate watching myself let you down? I hate it, okay?! I hate that I need to follow these little 'rules' but I must! That's who I am, it's what I can't help but believe! I live by a set of morals! Now, yes it's my fault that I keep sending you in mixed directions but it's only because when I'm around you, I can't help but...." He sighed, looking down and shaking his head and all I wanted in that second was for him to just finish what he was saying.
When the silence stretched on between us and when I saw he wouldn't finish what he was saying, I sighed and shook my head myself, ready to turn around and go upstairs. Yet, his words kept me in place and I only had one thing left to say.
"Sometimes it's better to break a few of your rules for something you value even more. Because you might not be the only one involved," I said in a softer voice, turning back towards the stairs and this time he didn't try to stop me as I made my way to my room.
***
I hated what happened between us. And I don't really know which one of us were in the wrong; in my opinion, neither. We each had opinions, opinions that could differ and that was fine (even if it did piss us off). In more clearer terms: bring on the awkwardness. Because that was exactly what the rest of the day consisted of.
We barely spoke to each other. Not out of being frustrated or mad. No, we were pass that from what I could tell. It pissed us off at the time but now, the full effect of what happened was registering and it was something that was screaming at us in the air. It was also something we tried our best to ignore. Nothing happened and that's how it had to be. Was it the last straw for me? Maybe. I don't blame Luke for that though. I just didn't know how I could take any more of this teasing when I couldn't have him. It was a tough spot, that kiss put us in. But ultimately, the one thing dominated it, as it always does at that is that it was now just so awkward. And the icing on the cake folks was the fact that he can't leave my side if you remember. Oh yeah. What a great day this was turning out to be.
The kiss ran over and over in my mind as we sat and watched TV. It was something that could keep our attention away from each other and make the time fly without having to interact. So probably the best time consumer. Of course, I couldn't stay focused so I just sat there thinking. Can you guess about who?
I didn't want to think about him, about the kiss, about what we yelled at each other. Because though it was something ugly to think about, it brought me a small bit of happiness. In those words shared after he broke that kiss, a lot of things were revealed. And one thing remained ringing in my heart: he didn't deny it anymore. In fact, he basically came out and said he had feelings for me. The bad news in all this was that he refused to do anything about it. That's what was so heart breaking. To have a guy actually interested, one I loved, and to know with confidence now that he is really interested, and to not be able to do anything about that because of the dude's morals.
The man in question was sitting in the chair. I could see how tense his posture was just sitting there when I would dare a glance. But I quickly stopped my eyes from falling on him again at seeing him watching me intently back, like he was already watching me. It sucked, to be honest. There was no flow of conversation, no words really, nothing but tension now. Thanks to that damned kiss (which was awesome but not worth what we were facing now with each other).
Dinner was just as tense. Clare sure didn't help, questioning both of us on why we were so quiet, why we looked tense, and she wanted to know what it was that happened. The excuse was we were just very exhausted. If only she knew the truth. And though it was a very complicated subject and not one I found very humorous, I would have just loved to say to her, 'well, mother, your husband kissed me earlier because I'm sure he has feelings for me but wont do anything about it. So things are a little awkward between us but don't let that stop you from getting cozy with him.' Oh how I would have loved to see the look on her face.
After dinner, we watched some TV together like the wonderful and loving family we are before heading up to bed. And thank god, finally. I just wanted this day to be over. I wanted to bury my head in a pillow and live in nothing besides darkness for the night.
Getting dressed and putting my pajamas on, Jack moved up beside me when I laid down in bed. Not a moment later though did I hear the door open and Luke come in. My teeth clenched and though I didn't see him, I knew it was him. This happened every night. He had to continue sleeping on my floor. I couldn't argue with that when it was for my own protection but I didn't bother giving him a glance while I settled myself in bed.
Hearing him drag out the blankets and his pillow from my closet, setting his bed up on the floor, I could only stare down at Jack when my head touched the pillow and I petted his fur, just waiting for him to finish up and shut the lamp off beside my bed. Eyes forced down at Jack, I bit my lip in hesitation. I didn't want to say anything more to him on the subject but I felt as if I needed to. He was my friend and I just didn't want things this way between us. But what do I say? What was there to say? The only thing that could help this matter was time, I realized. And it just needed to fade into the past, a small point that neither of us could remember. Lord knows how long that will take.
By the time I saw him kneels down on the floor from the corner of my eye, fixing up his bed. However when he was done with that, I watched his face tilt up and towards me and I could feel him watching me. I forced my eyes to stay on Jack, not daring to look to him again tonight. He caught me enough times watching him (of course, that was because he was continuously watching me in thought too).
I heard him softly sigh and the next thing I noticed, he reached up towards the table, flicked the switch on my lap, and the room was flooded with the natural air of darkness and night. We didn't say a word to each other and it was very unsettling, not even goodnight. The awkwardness was now an understatement; we were trapped together in tense conditions neither of us could barely stand.
***
There was a cart next to my bed. One that was silver with a couple shelves and it was on wheels. Looking up from where I was laying, I couldn't see what was on the cart that the doctor dragged in with him behind him. But there was more things to see besides the cart.
Glancing around the room, my eyes were burning at just how bright it all seemed. Above me from where I was laying were bright lights, shinning down at me as if in accusation. Eyes flying everywhere else, I found the room to be rather small but it wasn't like there was much in the room. Just this bed under me and myself, the doctor that was looking down at me from my bedside and the cart he towed in with him. The walls were a dull grey color that seemed depressingly endless, the floor tiles a bright white. Too sterile, too clean. On the other side of the room was a small door, too small and too far away, a small window in the middle of it that I couldn't see leading anywhere.
Dull. Grey. Lifeless. And I was in the middle of it.
The worst characteristic I took in wasn't what the room offered up for my eyes. It was what the bed offered.
Looking down at myself, I saw myself in white clothes, like a uniform almost. That didn't hold my attention for too long though. When I tried to sit up to see myself completely, to get a better look at my whereabouts, I could only prop myself up no more than a centimeter.
Eyes staining at the edge of my sight in panic and wonder at what it could be keeping me down, my eyes widened in horror at seeing straps run across the bed and over my body, holding me down and in place. From what I could see, there were three straps holding down my body. I knew there were more though even when I couldn't see them. My arms were restrained and I could feel another strap at the top of my chest, being held down by strong and durable velcro.
"Calm down, it's okay. You're back in bed where you belong," he said, getting my attention.
The doctor standing before me held my eyes now. Hands held behind his back, he stood up too tall, too proud for my liking. He had soft blond hair, blue eyes, and a tilt to his lips that made me want to punch him. A square jaq structure, his body looked as hard as a rock through his clothes and he didn't even look to be fully human with a body like that, huge and just steel like. Not to mention the guy looked to be in his late 50s with a need to do some damage. I felt an immense amount of fear fill me at the moment.
"I don't remember leaving," I spit at him.
"You tried," he said in a light tone. Eyes in mine, full of a sick excitement, turned away from mine and towards the cart next to him. I was unable to see what was on the cart but I was sure I'd find out soon enough.
"I don't want any more pills," I said, shaking my head as if in exhaustion at the thought.
"Don't worry dear, no more pills," he said in a sing-song voice than made my skin erupt in shivers. What he lifted from the top of the cart didn't help my confidence at all though or make me feel that reassured. "No more pills. We will give you the shot instead," he said, almost in excitement, as he raised the huge needle in his gloved hand.
"No..." I said, shaking my head. Trying to fight my way out of the straps, use my strength against the restraints.... All that resulted was me squirming a few inches in the bed and nothing more than a struggle that wasn't going to get anywhere. "You can't!" I screamed.
My eyes never left the doctor as I watched him take what only took a few steps closer until he came to sit at the edge of my small bed, looking down at me. Not at all appearing worried over my struggle I was making, he patiently sat there and watched me, waiting for me to calm down.
"Please," I said, voice cracking at seeing how useless of an effort this was becoming.
"This will help you. You don't want to be insane anymore, do you? Don't you want your mother to be happy? Don't you want to make her proud?" He said, trying to calm me down and appear as if he actually cared.
I shook my head. "I'm not crazy!" I screamed up at him, strained as I tried to reach up to him. "I'm not insane! She is! She is crazy, not me!"
His smile grew slightly and he looked down at the bed, trying to hide from me his amusement at the whole thing. Made me want to smack him that much more, the bastard. A moment later, he looked up to me, shaking his head as if he was smug. "Oh my dear, don't you know your mother is a doctor too? She is here to help with the surgery after I give you the shot?"
Shaking my head furiously at his words, I spoke as fast as I could, as if the speed of my words would ensure my safety and freedom. "No! She's not! She's not a doctor! I don't need surgery!"
My eyes widened in shock and I couldn't believe this. This wasn't real. It couldn't be because this was too much to handle, too much suffering for just me. But then again, what was more realistic than me suffering?
I didn't have any idea what he was talking about but I didn't like the sounds of it. I felt my need for escape intensify and I tried once more to fight against the impossible straps holding me down. Eyes begging up at the doctor, I tried my best to calmly explain as best as I could without freaking out despite me still fighting to get out.
"No! No you don't understand! She's not a doctor! She just wants me to suffer! She wants to torture me! There is no surgery!"
"Well, sure there is," he said, leaning forward towards me and his free hand rested on my opposing arm, doing his best to hold me as still as he could. He had enough help from those straps when I felt a sting enter me after I saw him point that needle down at my arm and stab it hard into my arm, injecting the fluids into my body. "The surgery is for you to get better. Your brain wont be clouded any longer after your mother operates on you!"
"No..." I cried out and I could no longer fight. I couldn't feel my body much longer after that and my head soon rested fully on my pillow again, body slack. Eyes wide and stinging with fear-filled tears, I stared up at the ceiling as everything in my body seemed to go numb. I couldn't move, couldn't do anything. I was trapped here.
My eyes still were able to move. And at the sound of that small door on the other side of the empty room open, my eyes were on it instantly. And to my horror, Clare entered the room, clothed in a professional doctor's coat that matched his.
Breathing so rigidly, terrified, I watched unable to move as Clare came closer and stood besides the doctor, grinning down to where I was bound to the bed. "Don't worry honey, mom's here to take care of you," she said.
I couldn't even shake my head, protest with anything but my hate filled eyes. She turned towards the doctor who stood up and she thanked him before he left, walking out the door and leaving me and Clare there alone.
"You didn't think I'd manage to get you in this institution, did you?" she asked, too cheery. I was scared now and could only imagine what else was on that cart and what she was going to use on me. "Mommy knows best and here you are. Finally. And this is where you will stay," she said, turning towards the cart. Her long brown and curly hair was the only thing dark in this room, vivid that stood out besides her cold heart in her eyes. That among other things started to become very detailed, very quickly. Especially when she lifted another 'instrument' up from where it was on the cart beside the bed.
She flashed me the knife, turning it over and over in her fingers as she just stood there, looking down at me with a sour sense of victory. The worst part was how detailed it was and it bothered me the most. That knife. Because now, my fate was clear. I would be tortured by that knife. The same knife she used every other time, the same one that tore Emily to pieces, and the same one that could do the same to me. Tear me up, tear up all I had, and make what was reality in these dull walls that much more real.
When she got to me with that knife, I was thankful I found an escape route at the hands of an unidentifiable force. I didn't care though what it was; it was getting me out of here because everything just started to fade after that. Blackness entered my vision and along with it came the soft and caressing voice of my savior.
"Albany?" I heard him say. "Hey, Albany?" Along with that voice, I felt myself being shook back and forth.
My eyes opened in the next moment and besides his voice, the first thing that entered my ears was the rapid sound of my erratic breaths. It was no longer black and I wasn't in that white room. I could move, Clare was gone, and even better, Luke was there, leaning over me and shaking me gently with his body because his hands were occupied.
Eyes falling to his, I saw him sigh in relief and close his eyes in a soft sigh, happy I was up and awake from what was one terrible nightmare. And he knew it from what he told me in the next couple moments.
Staring up at him, I took in the rest of my surroundings with him. First being that I could see. The lamp was now on. That was obvious. My eyes had an even more interesting time taking him in. His body was over me, fully actually and it was an illusion that he was leaning over me. He was on top of me, pinning me down. His hands were clasping my wrists tightly, forcing them to the bed above my head.
"What happened?" I asked, searching his very much awake now eyes. His hair hanging down and around my face, I saw his breath was slightly hitched as well and it left me even more curious.
After seeing I was up, I was calm, he slowly let my hands go and sat up off me, almost at a speed that wasn't natural. He was tense but of course, we both were. Returning to sit beside me, cross legged on my bed now, I felt relief fill me at seeing he backed off a bit. The last thing we needed was a reminder of what happened several hours ago.
"You had a nightmare," he said, shaking his head and running a hand through his messy hair. "It was pretty bad," he said, eyes in mine slowly filling with more pain.
I sighed, groaning and I looked down, away. "Yeah," I scoffed.
"You were crying," he said, his voice softer and when I looked back up at him, his lips were tightly pursed as he moved his fingers down towards my face. Reaching down towards my cheek, I felt him gently graze the skin by my eye and I realized he was wiping away a stray tear. I internally groaned despite how shook up I still was over that dream. It was too realistic for my liking. Too detailed at the end and too much of a true fear of mine. "I hate it when you cry."
"So do I," I groaned, quickly wiping away any more evidence of tears on my face. Ugh. Crying. It was in my dreams so it didn't count in my mind. "That's why I never do."
"It must have been really bad," he said.
I shook my head. "It was just really realistic was all," I said, trying to brush it off. The last thing he needed to worry over was my stupid dreams.
"What was it about? You just kept saying 'no' over and over and you tried to fight me when I tried to shake you awake. I had to pin you down."
I sighed again, rubbing my eyes and sitting up a bit more. I couldn't help but humorlessly chuckle. "I was in a mental hospital. It was fun," I said sarcastically.
He cringed and his eyebrows lowered, seeing what I just said to be more than a dream. "That's a real fear for you, isn't it? Your terrified Clare is going to put you in there."
I reluctantly nodded. I wasn't a fan of sharing my fears with him but I guess he deserved to know. After all, after that dream and knowing her determination, it could very much happen in my mind at the moment. "She will," I paused for a moment and after hesitating, I decided to tell him what Clare said to me the other night. It wouldn't help; it would just piss him off but I would tell him so he gets just how real this could become. "After you made that deal with her, that I could go to a therapist instead, she forced me into the bathroom for a little 'chat'. She said I will go there, one way or another, whether in a month or year. I will go, she said. And there was so much power in her voice, determination... it'll happen if not--"
"It wont," he shook his head frantically, grasping my hand in his. "I wont let it. If she puts you in there, I'll get you out. One way or another," he said, repeating the words I said Clare used.
I sighed, shaking my head, looking down and away from his eyes and to where he was grasping my hand. Of course, that tension was still there from earlier. Hell, I could feel it now present in the air. But that's what I meant before about the awkwardness between us. As long as there is an issue at hand to deal with, we can put aside things that are tension-causing. "You can't tell me that when you don't even know if you could get me out."
"I wont have it, Albany. Do you understand?" he said in a hard voice. "If this does happen like you fear it will, I'll be there. You'll get out if I have anything to do with it."
I know it wouldn't be a guarantee, that he was probably wrong, but it was still nice to hear how sure he sounded. And though my question I asked wouldn't help much if that situation came, it would make me feel better. "Do you promise?"
He nodded strongly, eyes locking deep in mine. "Yes. I will be there."
I nodded, feeling the release of pressure and the relief of his words. Sighing deeply, I nodded too, as if convincing myself of it too. And I did. I felt and believed he would keep that promise somehow.
After a moment of silence between us, our eyes were locked again and as that knowing tension started to slowly seep back between us. I heard him clear his throat and he spoke first. "Do you feel better now?"
I nodded and though a blush would come to my face, he deserved my words. "Thank you," I smiled slightly to him.
"Um, yeah," he said, rubbing the back of his neck and he looked down and away. Trying to get it together, he found my eyes again and smiled back but it was a little forced. "Any time," he said softly as he moved off the bed, standing up. "Are you fine going back to sleep?"
I scoffed. "I'm 17 not 3. I think I'll be fine," I said, trying to lighten the air between us. It didn't really work. Probably at the reminder of my fucking age. Good going genius.
He gave me a tight smile and it was clearly forced this time. Internally kicking myself, it was obvious that things would be awkward between us for a while to come. It would be uncomfortable, tense, and it wouldn't be the same. But it was nice knowing he was still my friend, still there for me when I needed him.
I didn't realize just how much I would need him later that night. Because having that dream and waking up wasn't the first interruption of what would turn out to be one hell of a night ahead of us.
_________________
__________________________
This was a harder one to write and I had to redo it a couple times because it just didn't feel right. Anyway, I hope I got it right this time :) What do you think will happen then later that night?