The moment I reached the hallway, I took off. I didn't know or care where I went, I just didn't want Jean to be able to find me. My vision was obstructed by burning tears, and my breath came in gasps. I leaned against a wall, heaving with sobs. My fingers clung to my scalp, my arms trying desperately to cover my face. Still in that position, I moved onward down the hallway until I reached the stairs.
Once my foot reached the first step, I remembered the roof. The perfect place to hide. I made my way up the stairs quickly, my mind screaming and tearing at my conscience.
What have you done?
You've just driven away your best friend, that's what you've done, Ilsa.
You fool. You complete fool.
I paused at the landing of the hallway where Corporal Levi's office was located. I heard some muffled banging coming from his office, so I stopped, wondering what was going on. Seconds later, Hanji burst from the room, smoke trailing behind her like a wispy tail.
"Soooorry, Levi" she sang jovially, "But I think it worked!"
Levi emerged from his office, stewing in anger and slightly singed.
"Of course it worked, nitwit," he growled, scrubbing at a soot stain on his cravat, "Your experiments only 'work' when pyrotechnics are involved. I should have realized that your motor-powered, floor-cleaning contraption would explode."
I made to move upwards again, but Levi, clearly anxious to be angry at everyone, saw me.
"Oi, Larsson," he snapped, "It's a good thing you're here. You can clean up the heap of charcoal that used to be my office."
I opened my mouth to protest, but wiped my tear-streaked cheeks, took a deep breath, and moved forward. Hanji gave me a brief glance as I made my way toward the broom closet.
As I rummaged for a mop, I heard Hanji and Levi murmuring heatedly.
"I don't see why Moblit can't just do it, Levi," Hanji whispered, "He's under my command, and this girl hardly knows me."
"Moblit puts me off, you know that," Levi hissed back, "This one has some comeuppance to pay, so I'll count this as part of it."
"What comeuppance?"
"That's between me and her."
I heard Hanji give a snort of annoyance. "You realize how suspicious that sounds, right?"
"Of course I do," Levi answered. "I caught her sneaking around after hours and decided to-Larsson!"
I peeked from behind the cupboard. "Yes, sir?"
"Quit your eavesdropping and get to work already."
"Yes, Corporal."
I grabbed a bucket of supplies and scuttled into the office, which smelled strongly of smoke and burnt rubber. The sight that met my eyes was not as horrific as the Corporal had caused me to envision. Certainly, there was a large, black blast mark where something had exploded, and a few smoldering segments of wall, but other than that, nothing seemed to be damaged beyond repair.
Some stack of papers had been burned, and upon closer inspection, I saw that they were letters. I scanned the top paper and was able to draw the conclusion that these were meant for the families of soldiers killed in battle.
Levi came in and I dropped the paper hastily. He raised an eyebrow as he closed the door.
"Find anything interesting?" he asked coolly, making his way to inspect the damage wrought upon the floor.
"Uh...no, sir," I replied, not sure if he was serious or not.
"Hmm," he said, swiping the smoking piece of paper back off the pile, "I'll have to rewrite all of these."
His pale eyes scanned the words on the page briefly before picking up the whole pile and depositing it into the nearby fireplace. The papers were devoured by the flames with a roar, blackening and crumbling to join the grey ashes heaped on the hearth.
I didn't seem the use of trying to clean something that was beyond repair, so I began picking up the scattered pieces of whatever it was that had exploded.
"So, what happened?" I asked.
Levi looked up from his desk irritatedly. "Hanji thought it would be a good idea to create a tool that cleans floors for you, rather than having to do it by hand. Idiotically, I decided to give the thing a try, and it blew up before I had even moved it an inch. Hanji's experiments always seem to result with an explosion of some sort, whether it be mental or physical. She's satisfied by either."
"But she's brilliant, isn't she?" I reminded him.
"Hanji views the world in a different way than the rest of us," Levi corrected me, "And I wouldn't call that brilliant, I'd call it psychotic."
He looked down at me and frowned. "Aren't you supposed to be cleaning?"
"There's no use. I can't clean burnt wood. It's like trying to grow back an arm." I stood up, brushing off my knees, and ready to leave and be alone with myself.
"I know."
I paused on my way to the door. "You know? But then, why-"
"You looked like you could use someone to help you process, so I decided to help you," he answered, putting down his pen.
"You?" I was dumbfounded, "Help me?"
"Yes," he replied, "I've decided to be nice for a change. Or at least, as nice as someone like me can be."
"I'm fine," I said, "I just need to be alone."
Levi rolled his eyes, letting out a tch of annoyance.
"I get the feeling you've been alone enough for one day."
"Maybe I have, maybe I haven't. It isn't any of your business," I said, feeling the tears starting to burn in my throat.
In all honesty, I didn't want to be alone. The thought of being alone with my memories scared me more than Titans or spies. I longed to spill forth my worries, to let them loose and forget about them, but I was scared at the same time. I hardly knew the Corporal, and if I were to unburden myself to him, I didn't know how he would react. I didn't want to be told to "get over it" or to "suck it up", so I took a deep breath and shook my head.
"I'm fine," I repeated, "I'll see you tomorrow, Corporal. Perhaps you should see someone to get your floorboards replaced."
Levi didn't get angry. He didn't order me to stay, he just nodded and assured me that he would get someone on the job. I left his office, feeling confused, but glad that I could keep my emotions to myself for a little longer.
On my way up to the roof, I ran into Krista.
"Ilsa!" she cried, "Thank goodness! We've been looking everywhere for you! Please come back so that you can talk with Jean. He's so angry. You're the only one who might be able to calm him down."
"Not anymore," I replied, "It's my fault that he's upset."
"But, if you just say you're sorry-"
"I don't know if that will help. When Jean's mad, you have to just let him cool down."
Krista didn't seem to comprehend my words, and instead grabbed my arm and dragged me back down the stairs. At the landing, I wrenched my arm from her grip.
"Stop it!" I shouted at her.
Krista took a step back, shock webbing its way onto her face. "Ilsa," she murmured.
"I need to think," I said, lowering my voice, "I just need to think. I'm sorry, Krista. Everything is happening so quickly."
What is there to be scared of? I asked myself. The argument we had was stupid. Just go and make up with him.
"Ilsa, please," Krista pleaded, "You shouldn't separate yourself from Jean over something so small. I know from experience."
I stood there for a moment, thinking hard before giving Krista a reply.
"No."
The days that followed my fight with Jean were like stepping on glass. Anytime I caught sight of his gangly figure, I turned my back and became occupied with other matters. If he tried to approach me, I quietly moved away to another group of people.
Remorse had not left my side since that day. It clung to me like spiderwebs, sucking my energy and dispersing my train of thought. I knew that I would be haunted until I apologized, but I hated the idea of asking for forgiveness. I didn't want to be wrong.
I drew out the time I spent in Corporal Levi's study. After I stayed until two in the afternoon for the fourth day in a row, he began to show some irritation.
"I understand that you and your horse-faced boyfriend had a fight," the Corporal snapped, inspecting the cuffs of his sleeves, "But you can't make my office a hideout. I am not in the mood to listen to the sorrows of a broken-hearted child."
"Jean isn't my boyfriend, Corporal," I said through gritted teeth, "In fact, he's nothing to me anymore."
Corporal Levi raised his eyebrows as he returned to his book. "Good. The Survey Corps is not the place for romantic attachments. It can get you killed."
"Is that why you don't have attachments, sir?" I asked, "Because you want to survive?"
His eyes flashed menacingly, and I knew that I had spoken out of turn. Corporal Levi rose from his desk and glared at me with the violence of a hurricane.
"That is a question I will choose not to answer, Cadet. Now stop testing my patience and get out of my office before I remove you myself."
"I'm sorry, Corporal," I said, "I spoke too familiarly with you. It will not happen again."
I left, inwardly scolding myself. I strode down the hallways and staircases quickly, hardly daring to look anyone in the eye.
My elbow jabbed a passerby. The brief tingling of my funny bone caused me to pause and grimace at the odd sensation.
"Hey! Ilsa!"
My heart froze at the sound of Jean's voice. I made an unearthly squeaking sound and started to escape, but Jean grabbed my arm and maneuvered me into a side alcove.
I concentrated all of my attention on the warped boards of the floor, taking in each grain of wood and the way it flowed under my boots.
Jean was right in front of me. I could feel his eyes staring into the top of my head, begging me to look up.
The silence and the tension between us was palpably tense. It seemed to be forcing my chin up, and I was suddenly staring into the face of my best friend.
Jean's face was a melting pot of emotions; anger, sadness, confusion, and something I couldn't really place.
"Jean, I-" My voice broke as unheeded and unwanted tears began to form. I took a deep breath.
"Jean," I began again, "I'm sorry."
Jean stood there for a moment, just kind of looking at me. Then he wrapped his arms around me, and I was reminded of Gunther. He had held me the same way many times, and this reminder brought forth the tears I had been fighting back.
Jean didn't have to say that he forgave me. We both knew this was enough.
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What the heck, you guys! "Mask" just passed 10K reads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That kind of just blows my mind to bits. Wow. Wowy wow wow. Thanks so much, you guys. Your dedication to reading my work and leaving comments and voting really means the world to me. I hope you all have a lovely weekend!