I woke up and instantly, I felt ashamed. Thinking about my meltdown yesterday, I found my cheeks heating up as Jai pulled me closer to him. I couldn't believe I cried. I couldn't believe I broke down like that in front of Jai.
Looking up at his face, I was glad to see that he was sleeping. He looked peaceful and my heart stuttered at the beautiful sight of him. If he hadn't been there yesterday, I had no idea what I would have done. Even if I was embarrassed, I was glad to have him here at my side.
I closed my eyes for a second, wishing sleep would swallow me up again. However, images of what happened yesterday flashed before my eyes. The way my dad glared at me, the way his hands slapped my face, those memories hit me and my eyes flew wide as I gasped. I had no idea how I'd ever go home again.
Suddenly, Jai stirred. He grumbled and I forced myself to relax as his eyes slowly opened. As he looked down at me and smiled, I couldn't help but smile back. Despite everything, Jai had a way of making smiles come easy to me.
"Good morning," he said, staring st me with those green eyes I loved.
"Morning," I replied, taking in how close we were.
Jai had an arm wrapped around me and my chest was an inch away from his, now that I pulled away to see his face. His lips were near my forehead and looking at them for a second, what happened yesterday between us popped into my mind. My heart froze and I flushed, but then I thought about my parents who had walked in on us. They had ruined the moment that would have been perfect.
"You okay?" Jai asked, rubbing my cheek gently with his thumb. "Okay, stupid question. But physically, does anything still hurt?"
I shook my head because the pain of my dad's physical actions had dimmed down. Even if every wound within me was now reopened, my outside body felt numb. Maybe that was why being this near to Jai didn't make me so nervous. Or maybe, I was just used to it.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Jai suddenly asked.
I froze at that and looked away, feeling a stab of pain shoot through me. Yesterday had been one of the worst days of my life. I never had been so scared. I never had a breakdown like that before either. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about my life I hated and my actions I was ashamed of.
"No," I said quietly, looking back at Jai. "I don't want to talk about it."
"That's fine." Jai smiled sadly. "Can I ask you a question though?"
My heart froze. "Sure."
"Did I wake up during the night? At any time?"
"Not that I know of."
Jai smiled and my heart melted, seeing him show me his genuine smile. "Wow, you really do kill my demons."
I smiled back, and suddenly I remembered about Jai's life. I remembered his dad who was traumatized, his mother who was in a better place, and how he got nightmares. I knew facts of his life, but I didn't know the full story.
So staring at Jai, I debated asking him about his life. It was the weekend so we had the entire day to ourselves, but still I wasn't sure. Jai hated opening up and I knew it was hard for him, which I understood. But, today I felt selfish. With everything that happened yeserday consuming my mind, I wanted to talk about something that would make me forget about my own life. Just for a moment, I really needed that.
"Jai, can you tell me about your life?" I asked suddenly. "Tell me why you can't sleep at night and tell me about what happened to your mom."
Jai seemed surprise by my request, but his eyes soon softened. The permanent sadness he had filled them, and I almost regretted asking him to tell me. But then, Jai spoke.
"Do you think you can handle the wounds of my heart?" Jai asked, raising an eyebrow. "They're deep and I don't want you feel their pain."
"You handle my wounds." I smiled sadly.
"And they hurt me. They fucking tear me apart."
That surprised me. Staring up at Jai, I realized how sad he looked as he stared at me. He looked in pain and I knew he was sad that my life was what it was. I didn't blame him because after yesterday, I wished my life wasn't what it was. I wished it was a lie.
"I'm sorry," I said, putting a hand on Jai's cheek. "I never wanted you to get caught up in my fucked up life."
"Don't be sorry." He moved his head and pressed his lips to my hand quickly. "I just wish you had the life someone as incredible as you deserves."
Smiling sadly, I moved my hand to his hand and our fingers intertwined. It was odd how everything we did felt so natural. Odd when only yesterday, we realized our feelings were mutual.
"So you think you're ready?" Jai asked, squeezing my hand.
"Yes," I said. "Are you ready?"
He took in a deep breath, and already I knew this would be a hard story to tell. "I don't know. Let's see."
I nodded. I would be patient with him. I would try my best to help if I could, too.
"So, I was a part of a family of three. My dad, mom, and me," Jai began, his eyes glazing with nostalgia. "We were your typical television family. Quirky, weird, but filled with love. We all had each other's backs and my parents made sure I had everything I could ever want. They made sure I was happy."
I couldn't help but feel a stab of jealousy. My parents were never like that. The last thing they wanted was my happiness.
"But one fated day, we were all home. Mom and I were in the kitchen and dad was taking a shower." Jai took a deep, painful breath in. "And someone knocked on the door. Being a mama's boy, I followed my mom to the door. I watched her open the door and suddenly get shoved down to the ground."
My eyes widened and my body tensed as I visual the scene he had begun to describe. Thinking about the little Jai who lived this event, my heart began to ache. Nausea hit me as I had a bad feeling about what would come next.
"I had screamed for her. I ran up to her as two huge men stormed into the house, holding guns," Jai continued, gulping. "I was at my mom's side and they shoved me away from her, screaming at my mom suddenly. She became mad when she saw me lying on the ground a meter away. She punched one of them and then launched herself onto the other. As she tried to get him to leave, the once she punched suddenly aimed his gun at her. He-"
Jai took a deep breath in and my hand flew to his face. I began to caress his cheek gently as I saw that there were tears in his eyes. What he was telling me was fucked up, something you'd only hear in the movies. It was cruel and officially, I knew the world was a fucked up place.
"You don't have to keep going," I whispered suddenly. "If it's too much, you can stop. I understand and oh my freaking god, that's fucked up. You should never have went through that."
"I want to finish telling you the story," Jai replied, surprisingly. "No one knows about it and I think letting it out will be good for me.
"Okay." I wiped the tear that was now slipping down his cheek. "Continue."
"So, he shot her. Without a second thought he let his bullet go through my mom's stomach," Jai said, choking on the word mom. "She fell to the ground and tossed and turned in pain, which only made it worse. The two men walked past her and into my house, and you know what I did? I just stood there. Uselessly, I watched my mom lie on the ground and bleed to death."
Tears were streaming down Jai's face now. It broke my heart to see him like this, but I was finally coming to understand Jai. I finally was beginning to understand the way he was. With this, I knew I could possibly heal the wounds of his heart.
"I just watched her. Stunned with shock, I stood there and watched her bleed to death. Even when the two fucking bastards left with all our gold, I just stood where I was and watched her," Jai said, shaking his head. "My dad soon came running downstairs, saying he heard a bang but wasn't sure because he was showering. He then saw my mom and he paled, frozen by fear as well. So the both of us just watched her bleed to death. We were both useless and that led to my mom's death."
Jai was shaking and I knew he was fighting back sobs. This story was worth ugly crying, so I wished he'd just let everything out. Knowing he was the type to keep everything in, I knew this was what he needed.
"Oh Jai," I said, pulling him closer to me. "None of this was your fault. Nor was it your dad's. Those two bastards are to blame and I wish I could kick their asses because what they did was horrible. The worse and I hope they're rotting away in jail."
"I just watched her bleed," Jai groaned, his voice shaky. "I could have saved her if I called the cops."
Regret and guilt could destroy a person, anyone knew that. I could see that now as I stared at Jai, and my heart broke. I wished I could convince him, but the thing was, some people were too blinded by their own devouring thoughts to be saved. This was Jai, I could tell.
So not knowing what to do, I pulled Jai to me. I made him bury his head into the crook of my neck and suddenly, he was bawling his eyes out. Just like how I did yeserday, he let everything out. It tore my heart to see him like this, but this was all I could do for him as of now.
"I'm sorry Jai," I whispered, stroking his back. "I'm sorry for the pain you feel. We all regret things and I hope one day, the pain of your regret vanishes."
Jai didn't respond as he kept crying. As his body shook in mine, I just closed my eyes. I felt like crying because everything was so fucked up in this world. Sad and cruel, but there was nothing we could do about it. All we could do was let out our sadness here and there and keep trudging through this horrible world.