I must have fallen asleep on our way back from the clinic because I hadn't realized we had already arrived in front of my apartment building until Frederick slightly shook me awake.
"We are here." He told me before he unbuckled himself out of the seat belt. With a yawn threatening to tear my mouth open, I looked around me a bit dazed as I stretched my arms to get the kinks out. "Do you want me to come up with you?" He asked.
A part of me wanted to say yes, why not? Come up and stay with me because for some stupid reason, you're able to calm me down. And when you're there, a weird thing happens and all of sudden, the world isn't so loud and doesn't feel so big anymore.
And really, I had no fucking clue why. How did you, Frederick Milton Halter, pass my iron walls when they have been guarded so far as if my life depended on it. Because, it did. Maybe I wasn't being honest with myself. And maybe, I was unconsciously trying to ignore and fight the inevitable. I was very selfish with who I allowed to be in my circle. I had to.
Frederick showing genuine concern for me was something I hadn't expected from him. He didn't have to care. He was paying me and I had agreed to the terms and conditions so I was going to go through with it regardless of how I felt. But seeing him care about me, or the fact that he had been even remotely worried for my well being, showed me that he was serious about us being more than strangers.
So this must have been why my heart would skip a beat as I remembered the way his fingers softly stroked my hair or how soft were his lips while he placed that single, most important kiss on my forehead.
I cleared my throat. "No I'll be fine, my best friend Billie is waiting for me upstairs."
"Are you sure?"
I nodded.
"Okay, get some rest and I'll call you later so we can talk if you're feeling up to it." He leaned over me before placing a kiss on my cheek. I closed my eyes for just a second before taking my seat belt off and stepping out of the car.
I shut the door and smiled. "I guess I'll talk to you later?" I asked, not knowing what else to say to him.
"Take care, Eva." he said as I turned around to walk inside my building.
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Billie really was waiting for me when I got in. And look at my face told her something was wrong. "What happened?" She questioned me.
"The secret is out." I told her, taking my shoes off. I placed my purse on a hook by the door before moving to the sofa where my friend was sitting.
She patted the empty spot next to her. "Fuck. He knows?"
"Not yet. But the doctor does and she said there shouldn't be any secrets between he and I. She said I should think about talking to Frederick about what happened to me. "
What are you going to do then? Tell him?"
Now that was the million dollar question, wasn't it?
"I have no idea."
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"Don't look to your left yet, but there is a seriously hot dude that's been checking you out since he walked in." Billie whispered in my ear while I devised a plan get the fuck out and go home. I was in no mood to play 'pick'-a-boo. I hadn't wanted to come to this party and now that we were there, I was convinced that I had been right to not want to show up.
"Are you ready to head out yet? I think I might be done for the night." I replied back. Purposely ignoring what she said.
"Evaaaa, it's your birthday. I want you to have fun. It's not fair that you can't even enjoy your own birthday. You're fucking twenty three, for fuck sake. You should be having the time of your life." She yelled, slurring her words as she tried to hold on to me for equilibrium.
"You wanted me to have fun on my birthday and I did just that. Dinner was amazing and the movie was great. I couldn't have asked for a better birthday." I tried to reassure her while I found my way to the balcony for some fresh air. She of course, was right there along with me.
"I'm just so mad. I want to kick them all in the nuts so hard that they explode. I hate them all so much. It's not fair, Eva. It's not fucking fair." And then the tears started. I pulled her in for a hug. Though stumbling, she still came to me willingly.
"No, it's not fair." I agreed to her sentiment. I would be the first one to yell it out to anyone who would want to hear me. It's not fucking fair. But I guess the world is pretty fucking unfair and some shitty people get to walk around scott free while their victims are forever affected by their actions.
She pulled away and held my gaze, as much as her drunken state would allow at least. "Are you ready to head home now?" I asked her just as the balcony door slid open and Billie's boyfriend, along with a guy I had never met before, walked out to join us.
Billie and I looked over to them. Micah, Billie's boyfriend, beamed at the sight of her. She returned the smile, broadcasting her happiness on her face. "Oh look, this is the dude who's been checking you out." She tried whispering in my ears. "Can we stay a little longer? Please, Eva, can we? I want you to get drunk and let loose." She reached out for her boyfriend who grabbed her arm and pulled her in to him. She giggled.
The exasperated breath that came from me was a little intentional. "For a bit longer. But then we really have to go." I told her.
She started jumping up and down, the excitement clear in her piercing voice. "I'm gonna make you a drink because it is your fucking birthday and you fucking deserve it." And with that, she made her way back to the party, pulling Micah along with her. Micah looked at his friend and shrugged.
"Yeah, baby. I fucking deserve it. So you go in there and you get me that drink." I laughed. Yelling after her disappearing figure from the distance. When she was finally gone, I turned to face the city.
I had never been to Micah's place before. I figured he was making decent money from what Billie had told me, but I had no idea that his money could afford him an apartment in Manhattan. An apartment big enough to accommodate the many people present at this party. I had to admit that the view from this far up was phenomenal.
"I guess a Happy birthday is in order." I heard. I turned my head to the side to find the sandy blonde hair guy who had come out with Micah, standing there. I smiled as green eyes met mine. I had no idea he was still standing there.
"Thank you." I replied. Not knowing what else to say. This was why I avoided parties. I rarely wanted to be talked to or even be there. I knew that was no way of making friends, but when you didn't know who you could trust, that didn't leave many choices on the table for you. And that was exactly why I never wanted to go to one. But there I was, on my twenty third birthday.
"If I could guess, I'd say you'd rather not to be here." The stranger added after awhile.
"And you'd have guessed right. I would rather be anywhere else. Preferably my bed." I agreed. And when I heard him laugh, the sound of it took me by surprise. His laugh was deep, warm, and weirdly inviting. I looked at him. Really looked then and something in me responded to him at that very moment.
My heart skipped.
"You are very honest"
"And you're easily entertained." I replied, biting the inside of my cheek to stop myself from smiling. Who even was this guy?
"I'm jonah by the way." He managed to say, extending his arm towards me. I looked at the arm in front of me and then at the man that owned that arm, dumbfounded. Was I supposed to be shaking his hand? Did he expect me to shake his hand because we exchanged a few words? No way. No fucking way. I looked up and found him patiently waiting. A smile dancing on his lips.
I wish I could tell you I shook his hand then and told him it was nice to meet him before telling him my name. I wish I could tell you that he offered to get me a drink, and I said yes. And while he left to retrieve the drink, I spent the time nervous and giddy. And when he came back and handed me the drink, our fingers touched and I felt a jolt of electricity run through me.
Wish I could say that I shook his hand. And after I shook his hand, we spent most of the night talking and laughing, oblivious to everyone else around us. And then as the night ended, he walked me down to my waiting Uber, leaned over me and placed the tiniest kiss on my lips.
I wish I could tell you that this was how things happened. I wish I could say all those things.
But most of all, I wish I was normal with none of the baggage I came with.
But I can't. So I said this instead.
"I have to go."
I all but ran back inside the apartment, leaving him there on the balcony, possibly wondering what the fuck was wrong with me.
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K, byeeeeee :)