Happy birthday Louis Tomlinson and Happy Christmas eve ;)
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[Luke's POV]
Pride. It destroys the person, even if they say it protects your dignity.
I've always held my pride high. I wasn't the kind who'll stoop down at someone's level in order to get his or her trust and affection.
Yet I realize, it has been my fatal flaw all along. Pride is what keeps me away from the things I really love the most.
I hadn't pursued my love for singing and music because of pride. I thought it was lame, following dreams and the such that are unreachable. I was that afraid of failed assumption.
I risk all my grades because I wanna look cool. And I thought I didn't need an A.
I fail to tell my mom I love her everyday because I think of myself more.
And I... I tend to hate the girl I've always had my attention on. All because of pride.
Come to think of it, when I look back at the past, she always makes me smile. She may piss the hell out of me, but that's what I enjoy. I enjoy it when I know I'm what's bothering her, even if in the bad way.
I say I hate her, but the truth is, I 'wanted' to hate her because I try to deny.
I try to deny she makes me forget all my inhibitions. She wipes away my need to be as perfect as I want to be. She seals the gaping hole inside of me. And best of all, she makes me lower down my defenses and pride.
She takes away my pride. That one thing that limits me from everything.
She's the only girl who I'd be willing to stoop down in any level, or even go up, just to match her level.
And all it took for me to realize was how her pulse felt against my skin when I make circles on her palm. I just realized how bad I wanted to hold her this way.
And that girl is... Dawn Johnson.
Kidding. I was talking about Christina Vonne Hepburn. The girl who hated and loved me at the same time. Just as how I hated and loved her too.
I didn't care about Kirby anymore. He likes her, fuck himself. I just want Tina to myself now.
Which reminds me Dawn is still my girlfriend.
Dawn is kind. She's everything you could ever ask for a perfect girl.
But I don't crave for perfection anymore. All I want is to share my imperfections with someone as broken as I am.
I smile as I look at her. She was really into Kirby and Michael's act. But I can still sense how tense she is with me holding her hand.
I tried to abhor her with the whole week I was with her. I could say 6 over 10 lacks, we're underrated. I mean, we didn't kill each other right?
But then again, they'll never know I'll never hurt her. On purpose, anyway.
"That was an astounding performance, Mr. Benson and Mr. Clifford!" my attention draws back to Mr. Carter, who stirs his hand around the hat again after the class applauded for the two.
Michael punches Kirby's arm, but smiles at him anyway. They both head back to their seats and I can see Ashton and Calum making fun of Mikey. Poor Mikey.
I suddenly felt the lack of warmth in my hand, and I see Tina keeping her hand back to her own. I frown from the loss of contact, and sighed instead.
"Okay for the next performers, let's have..." Mr. Carter trails off in suspense, eyeing each student with the smirk he has. What a douche. "Oh look who we have! Mr. Hemmings and Ms. Hepburn!"
I try to suppress a smile and faked a glare. Tina on the other hand, pressed her lips in a thin line. I could see anxiousness build up on her.
I know we should've practiced. But I don't want to. If we practiced without an audience, God knows what I could do to her. I've been holding back, I wanted to grab her close to me and press my lips on that plump pink of hers. And I don't want to reveal my true feelings yet. Not when I know how bad I messed her up.
Calum, Michael, Ashton and Kirby nods mischievously at us, sharing us their teasing winks and smiles. Tina huffs at them and I simply flick off my middle finger, making them laugh.
We stood up, accidentally colliding bodies with one another. This had made the whole class hoot, giggling and laughing at the both of us. I see the red tinge up on Tina's cheeks, and she couldn't be any cuter.
I took her hand, and the crowd yelps again, then lead her to the front. Mr. Carter also gives us an annoying grin but we go on and clear our throats anyway.
Bull. I should've thought how to start this.
I raise an eyebrow to her, and she seems to caught on what I was trying to tell. She starts to brainstorm and I did too. But how can I focus to think when my hearts beats rapidly?
I grabbed her close and whispered at her ear, "I'll start it first. Just go along the flow, 'kay?"
She nods, then I turn around and walked a few inches away from her.
"Okay, Mr. Hemmings and Ms. Hepburn, your act starts in 3... 2... 1... Action!" Mr. Carter counts off.
"Hey nerd!" I call her, drawing a straw from my pocket. I decided to throw a spitball at her.
She faces me with her eyebrows furrowed and the spitballs lands square on her forehead. "What the heck Hemmings?! What do you want?" she groans.
I gave her a teasing look and pushed her aside, sitting on the desk and stared her down. "The Nerd Fairy called me and requested for your presence."
"Do you mean the Nerd Fairy who's you in the nutshell?" she says in a sassy tone, gaining laughter from the class.
"Don't pass your identity card on me, honey." I smirk and grabbed her face close by her chin. This made my heart thump loudly but I try to not mind it. "We know who the lame one here is."
She whacks off my hand. "Are you normally grumpy? Or did you just got off from masturbating?" Tina rolled her eyes at me. The audience seems to be hooked on our performance. Or at me, not being arrogant at all. "Cut the slacks and tell me what you want, Hemmings."
"You." I say, not fully conscious. I see Tina's eyes widen with what I said. I was supposed to piss her off more, right? That's what we planned.
But this time, I've gotta put aside my pride and let my heart take over.
"What, so you could make fun of me? Is that it?" she regains from her shock, crossing her arms and glaring daggers at me. I know the look was both for the act and for sending me message how stupid I was.
"No." I step closer to her, our distance gradually decreasing as I bury my stare on her bright blue eyes. "I want you. All along, how could you not see?"
She takes two steps back and removes her gaze at me. "Well asides from the fact you show me your hatred everyday, I know you're a very good liar Luke. Stop this and get to the point now! Did a teacher call for me? What?!" she yells.
I see the guys focusing on us. I bet they know it isn't just an act we're doing anymore.
"I like you, Tina." I said. The crowd fell silent, and so does she. She hesitantly looks back at me. I see the tears brimming on her eyes, and it made my heart ache to see the look she has on. "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry for all that I've done. I'm sorry for pissing you off. I'm sorry for hurting you. I don't hate you, God, I hate me!"
She still rejects my hand when I try to reach her face. She just gave me a scowl so real it breaks my heart. "Stop it Luke! You enjoy this, do you? Playing with my feelings, trying to gain all's attention just to embarrass me more... what do you really want from me? Do you want me to surrender? Because that's what you like, getting everybody's affection! Then when you have it in your hands, you crush it. Because it pleasures you to see people suffering in emotional pain. Specially me! What did I ever do to you!?" she screams, tears now freely falling onto her cheeks.
"I'm not playing with your feelings Tina! I really do like you! How ca-"
She slaps me. The slap was so hard, worse from the library smack. But that didn't hurt. What hurts is the thought on how she really does hate me now. "Lies! Why are you always lying! Why are you always giving me false hope! Why can't you just admit you'll never love me back! Do you really have to rub it i my face?! You wander around kissing my bestfriend and making my life worse and I can't even do anything about it! You're so unfair Luke!" she sobs, her face expressing how broken she was. And I know it wasn't an act anymore.
I attempt to step closer to her, holding her by her shoulders and this time, she doesn't reject my touch. I look into her sad blue eyes now stained with tears, stained with the pain I've caused her. "I am a liar indeed, but not to you, but to myself. I deny what I feel, but Christina..." she freezes when I mention her full name. She knows I'm serious when I do. "Christina Vonne Hepburn, I like you. I really really do. I am an asshole, I know. I can't deny I've tried to hurt you. Because if I can't hate or forget about you, well at least you'd stay away from me. I-i..I didn't want to fall for you."
She surrenders in my arms and laid her head on my chest, still sobbing uncontrollably. "Why? Why don't you want? Why... why do you have to hurt me?" her voice was so fragile, so frail. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tight, wishing this wasn't an act but it is for real. Because I know after this, I'll mess up again. I can't tell her how much I've fallen for her. I am caged by my pride.
"Because hurting you hurts me more. And I deserve all the pain." I let a tear fall and I kiss the top of her head. Her breathing starts to become stable, her arms falling around my waist.
We stay in that position, nobody even bothered to make a noise. It was so solemn, and I know this is what I wanted. To have her on my arms and me on hers.
But I can't. I foolishly can't.
"You don't deserve to be hurt, Luke. I..." she stutters, pulling away slightly and bore her eyes on me. Her eyes were suddenly filled with sincerity, and once again, I fell on the abyss of guilty and pain. "I love you."
I let her go abruptly. I managed to bow, indicating the act was done. Everybody seemed shock when I storm off outside. Mr. Carter didn't seem to interrupt and just picked another pair to perform again.
A couple of screams for my name echoes in the hallway as I went out. I heard the boys, but the one I've heard and broke me was Tina's shrilly voice shaking.
I ran, letting tears stream down. I ran as far as I can.
How? How couldn't I just tell her?
"Luke!" she yells out again, her heavy footsteps audible as she tries to catch up with me. "Luke please! Hear me out! Let's talk about this! I know what happened back there Luke! Please... let's talk!" she continues to call me.
I couldn't bring myself to stop. I'm not ready. Nor will I ever.
"If you don't stop, then I take that as you leave my life forever. Please Luke! Can we talk or don't you want to see me anymore?" her voice cracks at the end. It breaks my heart more, but I couldn't halt.
If I was brave, I could stop running and tell her all I've been hiding. All the secrets, the emotions I've been hiding inside.
"I love you Luke." I couldn't hear her steps anymore. It seems like she stopped running after me. "But I guess you'll never love me. Goodbye."
That's where she was wrong. I do love her.
But I may be the dumbest person alive because I can't even try to prove it to her.
Damn, I hate my pride.
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well that was long! im proud of myself whoooooooopie!
hey hoes love me and press that star button for lukina. imma update next week coz #lazyaf
until next time... butts xx (i mean buttons HAH)