"Sometimes its hard to tell how fast the current's moving until you're headed over a waterfall"
- Kimberly McCreight, Reconstructing Amelia
I was standing right in between Daryl and Beth in front of the three freshly done graves. I didn't want to come because it would make everything more real but somehow I ended up here. I knew Sophia would like me to be here so I eventually agreed to come.
Daryl had a hand rubbing my back in a comforting way, I wanted to hug him but I was paralysed, I could just stare at the littlest grave in front of me, trying hard not to fall down on the ground, my legs were shaking but I refused to fall in front of so many people.
I hadn't cried since Daryl took me to the RV, like if I went numb but right now I was close to break down again.
Soon, the funeral was over and everyone started to walk away in silence. Daryl walked away in the other direction, probably needing some time alone. He had comforted me when I needed him the most, he hadn't mourned her, so I was going to give him some time to do that.
I felt thin arms loosely wrapping around me then, it was Beth. I took a deep breath as I wrapped my arms around her as well. Jimmy was rubbing her shoulder on her other side.
Slowly, we made our way back to her house, to her room. We both had lost someone really close to us today and we needed each other.
Beth told me I could lie on her bed so we both got under the covers and lied down and for the second time that day I broke down. She lost her mother and half-brother, I lost my little sister.
I couldn't fall asleep, I closed my eyes trying to fall asleep and get away from reality but I couldn't. My head filled with memories of her and me, some good, some bad, some happy and some sad. Some were from several years ago and some were from only a few days ago, some even just moments ago.
I remembered when I was six years old and I was told that I was going to be a big sister, I couldn't admit it then and I couldn't admit it for a long time but I was jealous, extremely jealous. I didn't like the idea of having a sibling, I had friends with older and younger siblings and I just thought it was way better to be an only child.
When Sophia was born lots of relatives came to meet her. They bought her lots of toys and some gave me presents too but they weren't here for me. I noticed my mother barely paid attention to me, my father even went to stay with a friend at nights. I wasn't sure why that was but it was because he wanted to sleep and not be bothered by Sophia several times every night.
I felt jealous for a really long time until I just got used to the idea of having her around. I would get jealous from time to time but it wasn't a constant feeling. I actually got to love her and I enjoyed spending time with her. It was fun to tease her and tickle her, it was also fun to take advantage of being the older and ordered her to clean my room or do stuff I had to do and of course, just having her company was nice.
I remember one time when one of my favourite dolls broke, I was around ten or eleven, and Sophia gave me her brand new doll. I never played with it, I kept it untouched on my night stand. Even when I stopped playing with toys and got them all inside bags to get rid of them, I kept that doll. When I moved to New York I took the doll with me and put it on my night stand.
I also remember when we went on a trip to Florida to visit some relatives and how much fun we had on the beach that time.
I also remember the day I packed my things and told her I had to leave. She cried and begged me to stay, which broke me, but I had to get out of there. She was so mad at me that she didn't speak to me in six months.
And I remember the last time I saw her, I remember our last proper conversation, I remember every word we spoke. We were talking about Daryl, she told me she wanted us together. I almost chuckled, thinking what she would say now if she saw us. We had gotten so close. If we looked like we were together before, then now anyone could be sure we were, even when we really weren't.
I started to think why she just left. Why didn't she follow me when we were walking back to the highway? Why did she leave me that morning?
Maybe she was bit by then. I would have noticed the big bite in her neck but maybe at that time it was only a scratch, a tiny scratch and she left to protect me. She knew I wouldn't leave her, no matter what so that's why she left without telling me. Because she knew she could be a danger to me and I wouldn't be able to put a bullet through her skull.
I wasn't sure if that was what really happened, the real reason why she left but it was the only explanation that made sense to me and if that was true then she was the bravest girl in the whole world.
Later that day I was helping Beth with the dishes, Maggie and Glenn were talking a bit far from us. I couldn't heard what they were talking about and I didn't really care.
Suddenly I heard some dishes slamming on the floor and saw Beth collapsing to the floor. Glenn and Maggie rushed to us and knelt next to her.
Maggie and Glenn took her to her room and I followed them close behind. I sat next to her on the bed and Maggie and I tried to get her to say something but she wasn't reacting while Glenn went looking for Hershel but he was nowhere to be found.
"What's wrong with her?" Lori asked, coming into the room.
"She might be in shock," I said.
"Where's Hershel?" Lori asked.
"We can't find him anywhere," Glenn answered her.
Lori went out to call Rick and Shane, Maggie and Glenn joined them and they all looked into Hershel's room to find a clue of where he could be, while I stayed with Beth.
They believed he was in a bar, so Rick and Glenn went back into town to go get him. Maggie, Patricia, Jimmy and even Andrea came into the room to check on Beth, who still hadn't said anything and started to get a fever.
It was starting to get dark and still there wasn't any sign of Hershel. There wasn't a sign of Glenn or Rick either. They hadn't come back and it had been a few hours since they had left.
"You should go eat something, dear," Patricia said to me, she was sitting on a chair next to the bed. "I could prepare you something."
"Oh no, I'm good, thanks," I said. I was by the window now, looking out in case I spotted Hershel, Rick or Glenn. "I'm not hungry."
She nodded knowingly, "I'm sorry about your sister."
"It's okay," I whispered.
At that moment my mother walked into the room. I hadn't seen her since... since it happened. She didn't showed up for her funeral and she hadn't checked on me yet. She hadn't even asked me if I was okay or anything, which I wasn't.
"Have you seen Lori?" she asked.
We all shook our heads at her. She glanced in my direction but didn't do or say anything else to me. I looked back into her eyes that were identical to mine and for just a second or two I saw it. I saw the reason why she had been... avoiding me.
She was blaming me.
She left without saying another word, rushing out of there and almost running down the stairs. I closed my eyes tightly trying hard not to cry. I just knew what she was feeling towards me, she didn't say anything but I knew. My own mother blamed me for the death of my sister and the worst was that I was already blaming myself. I always did. I did it since we got lost in the woods after Rick told us to hide, I knew this was on me and my mum just confirmed it.
Daryl tried to tell me this wasn't my fault and for a while I believed him but now I was just sure that it was indeed my fault. I'm the one to blame for her early death. It should had been me in the barn, not her. It should had been me.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and it was until then that I realized that I had been crying. I looked up to see Jimmy, who looked really awkward. I smiled a bit at him and put my hand over his.
"Thank you," I muttered. "I'm fine. I'm okay."
"You sure?" he asked.
"Yeah." I nodded.
It was getting really late and still they hadn't come back and Lori was still missing, I think. I sighed and approached Maggie, who now was the only one in the room. She was holding Beth's hand.
"Call me if anything happens," I told her. "If she gets out of this shock or ... or anything, just call me, please."
"Where are you going?"
Good question. I couldn't stay with my mum, I probably couldn't stay with Daryl. I hadn't seen him all day so I assumed he still needed time. Maybe I could stay with Andrea.
"Why don't you stay?" she asked me.
"I don't think that's a good idea," I told her. "I think the two of you need some time alone and if your father comes I might just get in the way."
"Beth likes you a lot, you know that. It's been so long since we had been with people besides our family and especially around people who are close in age to us," she said to me. "How old are you by the way?"
"I'm nineteen."
"You are like in the middle of us. You are three years older than Beth and three years younger than me," she told me with a smile. "She has gotten fond of you and I think it would make her really happy if you stay with her but uh, if you want to go... maybe with your mum, I understand."
"I'll stay," I told her with a smile. "I'm getting fond of her as well.
The next morning Andrea came looking for me, she took me out to the camp, where Oliver, Teresa and Sean were waiting for me. I sat next to Teresa while Andrea went back inside to check on Beth. Teresa handed me a plate with eggs, I didn't want to eat but I took it without a word.
I grabbed a fork and I just moved the food from one side to the other, every once in a while, I put some of it in my mouth but I really wasn't hungry.
"Cecilia," Oliver said, using my full name, which wasn't good. "You can't keep like this! You have to eat!"
"I'm not hungry!" I muttered.
"You were missing for four day, you didn't eat for four days plus the days before that! And now you need to recover from that. You can't just not eat!" Oliver exclaimed.
"Cici," Teresa said softly. "Sophia wouldn't want this."
I looked away from her, I focused my gaze on the tents and I noticed one was missing. I counted them and sure enough one wasn't there and after a few seconds I realized it was Daryl's.
"Where's Daryl?" I asked, interrupting them both who were still trying to get me to eat.
"Don't change the sub..."
"Where's Daryl?" I repeated, interrupting Teresa.
"He's..." Teresa started but was interrupted by Sean.
"We'll tell you once you eat, isn't that right guys?"
"Yeah, you have to eat or we won't tell you," Oliver said.
"Are you for real?" I exclaimed.
"Yeah," the three of them said.
I sighed and started to eat. I felt like throwing up at the end because I just had to force myself to eat it. As soon as I was done I demanded to know where he was. Sean offered to take me.
Daryl moved his tent really far away from the others. It was barely on the farm ground, just right in front of the woods. Sean told me that if I needed anything to call me and then he walked away, he wasn't such a big fan of Daryl.
I walked closer to his tent, noticing he had some squirrels hanging close to it, he also had in there the ears he was wearing when he found me.
"Daryl?" I muttered, stopping right outside of his tent. "Daryl, Daryl?"
"Go away!" I heard him snap from inside.
"I – uh – I just – I just want to make sure you are okay, I didn't know you had moved here, are you alright?"
Then I heard movement inside and heard the tent being unzipped. He looked up at me from the little opening of the tent.
"Hi," I muttered.
"What are you doing here?" he asked. His tone wasn't as hostile anymore, but his face didn't look that welcome.
"I wanted to see how you were doing."
"Alright," he muttered. "I thought you were Lori, or your mum or even Andrea."
"Do I even sound like them?" I asked with a small smile.
"Not really but your mum has already been here twice so I just assumed she was back," he told me. "How are you?"
I tried to process what Daryl had just said to me. My mother came here but she couldn't go to see me, that was hard to accept.
"Okay, I guess." I shrugged. "Why my mother came here?"
"She wanted to see how I was, said some shit about me not having to push everyone away and shit like that. Lori came before her."
"Why?"
"She fucking wanted me to go look for Rick and Glenn, after everything that happened she wanted me to go look for them?" he exclaimed, getting angry. "I told her it wasn't my problem."
"I think it wasn't right of her to come here to ask you that," I told him calmly. "I didn't come yesterday because I figured you needed some space and if you need some more time I can just go now."
"It's okay, don't go."
"Really?" I asked him with a small smile.
"Yeah, really." He nodded.
He unzipped it until the end and crawled back to his sleeping bag, letting me step in, after I did that, I zipped the tent back. I sat next to him and slightly smiled at him.
We both lied on top of his sleeping back, being really close to each other so we could fit in it, but even then, Daryl had almost half of his body on the ground.
Nobody said anything for a long time but it wasn't awkward, it was everything but that. Eventually Daryl extended his arm to let me use it as a pillow, I smiled at him as a thank you and put my right arm around him, letting my hand rest on his stomach and a few seconds later he rested his other hand on top of mine.
"Thanks for coming," he whispered to me.
"How could I not?" I asked, looking up at him to find he was already looking at me. "After everything you have done for me it was the least I could do."
"Most people wouldn't have," he told me. "Most people don't care about me."
"We all do care, you know?" I told him. "And why wouldn't they care about you? Why wouldn't I care?"
"Because people usually don't like me," he muttered.
"Well, I do. I like you. You are a really great person, Daryl."
After that he said nothing but I saw a smile formed in the corner of his lips. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, enjoying his company.
"I, uh, I found your Cartman earring days ago," Daryl told me, making me open my eyes so I could look at him. "It's in my bag, I could give it to you."
"You have it? I hadn't even noticed I had lost it," I said. "I'm too comfortable now, though, so let's stay like this for a little bit more."
Daryl nodded, closing his blue eyes right after, I smiled at him. I wanted to touch my ear to make sure my earring wasn't there but Daryl's hand was on top of mine and my other arm was under me, so I decided to just close my eyes again and enjoy this time with Daryl.
I was devastated and broken about my sister but Daryl made it a bit better and it wasn't like I could just sulk about it forever. I knew Daryl was also devastated, finding her was really important to him. He went out to look for her, for us, every day, risking his life and giving everything of him that he could give.
I knew he couldn't be strong enough for both, at least not forever. I needed to give him time to mourn and be sad about it. I needed to act tough in front of him to allow him to do that, even when it was ten times harder to bear the pain when I stopped acting, when Daryl wasn't present. But I needed to do that for him.
"Hey," I said, sitting up, looking down at him after a long time. I wasn't sure if we had fallen asleep or not. "What do you think about going for a walk? It can be nice."
"Are you serious?" he asked me in disbelief, he had his eyes closed.
"Of course I am, come on!" I said, grabbing his hands and pulling him up. He pretended to glare at me but I just stuck out my tongue at him and dragged him out of the tent.
Daryl wasn't too thrilled about my sudden idea, we were way too comfortable but he didn't complain anymore and it was actually quite nice, the weather was enjoyable, there wasn't a single cloud in the sky and we could hear many birds singing not far from us.
We walked further from the house and the farm. We stayed out of the woods and into the farm limit, none of us wanted to get too far.
"You know," I muttered as we were going back. "At least we know now. If Shane hadn't done what he did we would still be looking for her. I feel some kind of ... closure, of ease with the fact that I know. I think it would be so much worse to never know if she was out there or not."
Daryl didn't say anything, he just nodded at me. I wrapped my arms around him without warming, catching him by surprise like the other two times I had hugged him.
"What? Do I look like some fluffy bear you love to hug or what?" he exclaimed pretending to sound angry and annoyed, but seconds later he wrapped his arms around me, ruining his facade.
"Yeah, exactly," I said chuckling. "You are just... hugable, I suppose"
"Hugable?" he repeated. "Does that word even exist?"
"I have no idea but if it didn't, it does now."
"You are so silly, you know that?"
"Yeah, I've heard it a few times." I chuckled.
"Come on," he said, pulling away from the hug but he kept one arm around my shoulders, so I kept one of my mine around his waist.
"How is your injury?"
"A lot better, I just don't have to strain myself and I'll be fine."
As we walked back like that we saw a car approaching. It could be Rick and the others. Instantly our hands dropped to our sides and we jogged to the front of the house, where Shane, Andrea and T-Dog were getting ready to go look for them.
We got to the house right when Rick was getting out of the car. Carl ran out of the house and hugged his father.
Maggie also ran to apparently her father, even he thought she was going to hug him but she ran past him and hugged Glenn instead. Oh wow, I guess I had missed something here. Glenn and I need a talk later.
"Patricia, prepare the shed for surgery," Hershel exclaimed.
"Who's hurt?" I asked getting really nervous and scared for them.
"None of us," Glenn answered me. "Another guy."
And that's when I finally realized there was someone else inside the car, he was blindfolded and apparently he was sleeping or maybe he was just unconscious.
"Who the hell is he?" T-Dog exclaimed, pointing at him.
"Randall," Glenn replied and he looked like he wasn't really comfortable about him.
Randall was taken inside, Hershel and Patricia operated him while the rest of us gathered in the dining room. I ended up in between Carl and Jimmy. The little boy smiled at me and gave me a hug when he saw me, we hadn't talked lately because we hadn't had the chance but we used to play back in camp.
"We couldn't just leave him behind," Rick informed us. "He would've bled out, if he lived that long."
"It's gotten bad in town," Glenn added.
"What do we do with him?" Andrea asked.
"I repaired his calf muscle as best I can, but he'll probably have nerve damage," Hershel informed as he joined us in his dining room. "Won't be on his feet for at least a week."
"When he is, we give him a canteen, take him out to the main road, send him on his way," Rick said.
"Isn't that the same as leaving him for the walkers?" Andrea exclaimed.
Daryl hadn't come inside the house with all of us until now. I had no idea why he took so long to join us. He just walked in silently and leaned against a wall behind me.
"He'll have a fighting chance," Rick told her.
"Just gonna let him go? He knows where we are," Shane told him.
"He was blindfolded the whole way here! He's not a threat."
Not a threat," Shane said unconvinced. "How many of them were there? You killed three of their men, you took one of them hostage, but they just ain't gonna come looking?"
"They left him for dead," Rick interrupted him. "No one is looking."
"We should still post a guard," T-Dog suggested.
"He's out cold right now, will be for hours," Hershel said.
"You know what? I'm gonna go get him some flowers and candy," Shane exclaimed, storming out. "Look at this, folks, we back in fantasy land!"
"You know, we haven't even dealt with what you did at my barn yet," Hershel exclaimed, going after him, until Shane stopped to look at the old man. "Let me make this perfectly clear, once and for all, this is my farm. Now I wanted you gone, Rick talked me out of it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. So do us both a favour, keep your mouth shut."
Shane said nothing, he just looked pissed at the whole situation but said nothing. He shook his head and continued to walk outside of the house, running his hands through his now bald head.
"We're not going to do anything about it today. Let's just cool off," Rick told us.
Andrea was the first to leave after that, followed by Sean, Teresa and Oliver. I saw how my mother was going straight to Daryl before he just shook his head and stormed out of the house. So now she's chasing Daryl but she can't even look at me?
I stayed sat on the chair trying to calm down. Carl apparently noticed because he put a hand over mine in a reassuring way. I smiled at the boy and he smiled back at me.
"Want to play chess?" he asked.
"Uh, sure."
Carl and I played some chess on the porch of the house while Hershel finally went to check on his daughter. I hadn't seen Beth since this morning and I was going to go once Hershel was done with her, I didn't want to get in the way and I promised Carl I was going to play with him.
"How's your shot wound?" I asked him as I moved one of my pawns.
"It just hurts when I run," he told me, not taking his eyes from the board.
"Did it hurt? When it happened, I mean."
"I don't really remember, I instantly went unconscious. But I remember the pain when Hershel was taking a part of the bullet out, I had never felt so much pain in my life."
"How did you get shot?" I had heard the story but not very detailed. Apparently the man that died, Otis, shot him. But Oliver and Teresa didn't explain much.
"I was looking at a deer, you should have seen it, Cici. It was amazing. It was like time stopped when the deer looked right into my eyes and I looked back into those dark eyes. It was just great," he told me, moving his only left horse. "This man, Otis, shot the deer and the bull went trough the deer, going inside of me as well or that's what I was told."
"I'm sorry that happened to you."
"It's okay. It was worth it. I'll never forget those few seconds, it was like there was a connection between the deer and I, it was like... magical," he then smirked at me. "Check."
"What?" I exclaimed shocked.
Then I saw the perfect move. I move my tower and got his queen. He looked really upset at his silly mistake. I smiled at him.
I ended up winning three times and Carl won one. I then felt a pang on my heart, remembering when I used to play board games with Sophia. I never played chess with her because she never could remember how the pieces were moved but we used to play checkers and cards, we loved to play poker, or Monopoly when we had cousins or friends over, we also played Ladders and Snakes a lot and all kind of games.
"Are you okay?" Carl asked, looking concerned at me.
"Yeah, I just got something in my eye, uh, excuse me," I told him. "I'll check it out on a mirror, we'll player later okay? Why don't you practice with Glenn or Oliver? So you might beat me next time?" I said smiling at him before rushing to the bathroom on the first floor of the house.
Once there, I locked myself in. I leaned against the door and slowly fell down to the ground, I hugged my knees, buried my head in my arms as I just cried.
It was like I was just in denial until now. I felt like if someone was squashing my heart in their hands. I felt like a big weight had fallen on top of me and it was hard to breathe. I felt despaired.
I felt like since Daryl took me in the RV after the incident I had just pushed reality and my mourning away and now they were catching up with me.
The pain I was feeling was even stronger and more overwhelming than the pain I felt when I saw her walk out of the barn, even stronger that when I heard the shotgun that killed her for good and for once I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through this.
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Hello guys! :)
Hope you like the chapter, Daryl and Cecilia are getting closer!! :D Please tell me what you guys think.
So I came up with a few ideas for their ship name, I just need you to vote which one you prefer, or if you have an idea of your own, feel free to comment it! :)
•Dici
•Decilia
•Ceryl
•Darilia