Chapter 6
After playing with Jack for a while, I had to get ready to go. More so, we all were getting ready. Apparently, every year, there is Christmas at Jan and Mike's house and that was where we were going today. So far, everything has been amazing. However, just opening presents earlier was a large cloud of emotions. I could only imagine how much more overwhelming it will be at his parents house, with everyone there, showing their love for each other and having a good time.
With Jack laying down on my bed, his tail still wagging as I got ready, I couldn't help but look to him every few seconds and smile. He was just so cute and I just loved the fact that he was mine. All I wanted to do was play with him but I had to get ready.
I tried on the red sweater Clare gave me and though it was a size too small, it still fit good. With that, I slid on some black slacks and combed my hair out of the bun that it is always in. I knew that Christmas is a special time of year and it calls for dressing up nice (which I didn't do this morning for Church because I was mad). At least, that's what I was doing. I was going to be a wreck so I might as well at least look nice.
Brushing my hair out, I felt my smile return to me when I took one of the bows Luke gave me and clipped it in the back, holding some of my hair together as the rest cascaded down my back and over my shoulders. The beautiful necklace shinning against the sweater, I put on some make up and was ready to go.
"Time to go buddy," I said to Jack as I picked him up and started heading down the stairs where Luke and Clare was waiting. I caught their eyes fall on me. Luke raised his eyebrows and looked me over as I walked down the stairs and approached them at the door.
"It fits," Clare said, noticing the sweater I was wearing. I also noticed what she was wearing and I hated it. A nice sweater of her own, she looked beautiful. I couldn't stand it. She deserved to be ugly.
I sighed. "Yeah, surprisingly." I looked to Jack as I held him to my side and smiled, looking back up to Luke and Clare. "Can Jack come?"
Clare pursed her lips but Luke just continued to stare at me with an adoring smile crawling to his face as he refused to take his eyes off me. Blushing slightly, somewhat embarrassed at thinking I over dressed, I avoided his eyes and waited for his answer.
"Of course he can," he said as I handed Jack to him as I put my coat and boots on too (if we put him down, it would take too long to chase him down, he was so playful). "Everyone will be excited to see him," he said, glancing down to the little puppy as he tried biting at Luke's buttons on his coat as he held him. Chuckling, he moved him up more in his arms and it wasn't long until we were all in the car and heading to Jan and Mike's.
***
It was... so strange to me. But I'll start from the beginning when we first arrived.
Walking through the front door, I put Jack down on the floor and instantly, he was off to search the house and would find people ready to greet him. I took off my boots and coat as Luke walked in behind me, holding all the presents we got for his family (rather he and Clare got; I just managed a few cards). Walking into the kitchen, not seeing anybody yet, the first voice came from another room that Jack just entered.
"A puppy!" I heard Brooke scream throughout the house and heard other voices with hers by the time I walked in the living room and saw them all, sitting and chatting. There was a new topic of conversation now as I took in the warm room. There was a huge Christmas tree near the fireplace by where they sat, a fire roaring and all around the room were decorations. Christmas music playing as well, I took everyone in.
"Hey, Albany," Jan said with a smile after standing, glancing to where Jack was licking Brooke's face as she petted him and where everyone else sat and took in my new dog. Jan came up to me and hugged me and I knew now the correct response was to hug her back. "Merry Christmas, sweetheart!" She said as she held me tightly in that warm embrace that was already becoming too much for me. At the same time, I loved it.
"Um, Merry Christmas," I said after she pulled away to smile at me.
Looking back towards Jack, she chuckled. "Looks like you received a very nice gift this year."
I nodded, admiring Jack as he scratched at Mike's feet. I watched as Mike picked him up and set him down on the couch next to him and Shannon. Francis, I saw, sat in a chair adjacent as Brooke followed Jack to the couch and continued to pet him with Mike.
"Merry Christmas, Albany," Francis stood up with Shannon and approached me. Looking Francis over, he was dressed in the most hideous thing I've ever seen. I held back my laughter as he came up to me with a big smile and hugged me.
"Merry Christmas," I said and could feel the warmth in his arms as he hugged me to him, my chin resting against his shoulder as I hugged him back, a little dazed by his spicy scent. "What's with the sweater?" I asked quietly in his ear as he hugged me, noting the cluttered design with snowmen and Santa all over it when I first saw him
"Brooke got it for me with mom at the mall. She has yet to learn her daddy's taste but I love it, nonetheless," he chuckled in my ear and I could feel myself shiver at his breath hitting my ear.
Breaking away, Shannon came up to me next with a bright smile, supporting a white long sleeve sweater and khakis. Giving me a hug herself, yesterday came back to me. Her confession that she knew the truth, her sorry words and begging eyes... I saw how sorry she was and though I wasn't ready to forgive her yet, I hugged her back anyways after a moment of shock.
Yes, shock. Three hugs in under a few minutes. I could already feel my insides shake when Shannon said, "I'm glad you're here," Stepping back, she continued to speak. "You look beautiful."
"Yeah, you look very pretty today," Brooke cut in to complement me as well before she hugged me too and I noticed she looked beautiful too. Wearing a long red Christmas dress with white tights and cute black shoes, her hair was also curled.
I swallowed and laughed through my thoughts, knowing I needed to get over this. "Thank you," I said to them as smoothly as I could. It was Christmas and each time I got a hug, I felt even more loved. It was just so much to handle, and seeing them hug Luke too. I enjoyed the fact that only Jan was nice enough to hug Clare. By the time Mike hugged me too and welcomed me with a wise crack, I could feel myself begin to shake again.
Hiding it as best as I could, I went to sit down next to where Shannon and Mike returned on the couch with Jack. I saw Clare and Luke sit on the smaller couch across from us. Taking a deep breath and smiling, seeing Jack enjoying everyone petting him, I glanced up and I caught Luke's eyes on me. He watched me carefully, I saw, and before I looked away, I knew he could see that this was already hard for me. It was my own fault though. And I wouldn't let it ruin this day when it was becoming one of the best of my life.
Jack jumped back into my lap after a minute and climbed up me as best as he could to lick my face, making my laugh as I ran my fingers over his soft fur.
"What's this little pup's name?" Mike asked from next to me.
"Jack's his name," I smiled. "I love him already."
"Do you know what kind he is?" Francis asked as he sat back down too in his seat. His carefree smile and eyes ran over me before rested on Jack when he slumped down in my lap, licking his paws.
Not knowing the answer, I realized, I looked over to Luke with a questioning glance. He spoke up at seeing I didn't know and answered. "He's a Cairn Terrier. I picked him up at the shelter and knew Albany would love him. He is just over one year old," he smiled, looking over the dog as he rested his head against my knee, that tail still going as Brooke returned to pet him in front of us.
She chuckled again as Jack tried following her hand to lick it. "He's funny." She looked to her side towards her father. "Daddy, can I get a puppy?"
Francis slowly forced a smile and looked at Luke. "Thanks man, now look at what you did," he said, making everyone laugh.
***
By the time dinner was ready, we all were seated around the huge table with Jan's delicious chicken she made as well as the potatoes she mashed, the beans, stuffing, meat balls... so much food! I sat next to Brooke and Mike, Shannon on his other side and across from us, Luke and Clare sat next to each other with Francis besides Luke. Jan at the head of the table, adjacent to Shannon and Clare. Of course, Jack had to eat on his own. Apparently, Jan picked up some dog food earlier.
The food was amazing - lets just get that out on the table right now. What was even better was the conversations taking place.
"So Francis got on the roof to fix the lights," Mike said, telling us a very entertaining and interesting story that happened a few years back. "All the while, we are sitting in the living room, watching TV and we can hear him over us on the roof. He was up there for a while, trying to fix the lights and while we watched TV, out of nowhere, a part of the roof caves and instead of the TV, we are watching Francis's legs and feet dangling from the celling. He fell through," he said, smiling over to his son who was blushing but with a smile on his face too as he ate.
Brooke gasped. "Was daddy okay?" she asked her grandpa.
Mike nodded. "Oh yeah, he was just fine. He ended up fixing the lights before he broke through the ceiling and was dangling there. Because he wore those baggy pants at the time, his pants soon fell off as he was just hanging there," he said, making us crack up at this crazy story. "Only he was right above our Christmas tree and he let go, knowing it wasn't that far of a fall, falling on the tree and stripping away all the lights with him. He had to fix those too," he said, laughing as everyone else did as well.
"You will never let that go," Francis chuckled, looking across the table to his father.
"Because I can't ever get that imagine out of my head," he laughed from next to me as he took a bite of his food. "It was so funny."
"Any embarrassing stories you have about Luke?" I asked after I finished chewing, looking at Mike with hope.
Luke broke in with laughter of his own. "No, he doesn't!"
Mike put an arm around me and smiled. "Of course I do," he grinned. He looked over to his smiling wife. "Remember the time Luke tried on Shannon's old dresses?"
"What?" My eyes widened as did my smile.
Luke scowled and leaned over the table, staring me straight in the eye to try to get me on his side. "Okay look, it was a bet! Francis bet me to do it!"
Laughter erupted around us and Luke couldn't keep that smirk away at seeing the embarrassing story come back and how much I wanted to hear it. Looking to Jan, she explained. "I don't know his reason. I do know that a few years back, I walked in Shannon's room and saw him standing there, in her dress and it was such a funny sight," she cracked up and looked to her son. "I'm sorry sweetie but it was so funny. Especially when I found out Francis was in the closet filming you."
Luke looked me square in the eye, trying to defend himself again and wanting me to believe him. I was so amused by all of this... I believed Luke of course; I'm sure it was just a bet. I liked messing with him though.
"Wow, Luke. I didn't know you could swing that way too," I said and everyone laughed at that.
"It was a bet! 100 bucks, Francis said just go all out with Shannon's fancy dresses. I should have known better," he said, glaring at his brother. "He was filming me after I was dressed up. I only found out because one night, when we were all about to watch a movie, Francis put it on for everyone."
I laughed, looking into his beautiful jade eyes and seeing the happiness in them. He was having a good time today, I saw. But... even now, there was something there... holding him back. He couldn't fully be himself because if he could, he would have knocked out the bitch holding his hand next to him at the table. He was having a hard time with it and knowing it was Christmas and he wanted a break with his family. His family was at least helping him by distracting him with all the funny stories.
But by the time dinner was done, I saw there was more there too. His eyes kept finding mine and when they did, I knew why. He could see how happy I was. But he also knew how hard this was for me too. The laughter between everyone was making me crack, the love given to me by everyone made me feel nearly sick but my happiness continued to beat it. I had to ignore it because this was just too perfect of a night.
While everyone was in the living room, chatting again, I helped Jan in the kitchen with the dishes, relieving Shannon of it, and taking over myself. I needed a break right now. Not to mention, I noticed how close Clare was starting to get again with Luke and that was something I didn't want to witness at such a vulnerable moment right now.
"Are you doing okay today?" she asked as I dried some of the dishes.
"Oh yeah," I nodded, glancing up to her. "Today's been so much fun! I never experienced anything like this before."
"Is that why it's so hard for you? I noticed that you were enjoying yourself but at the same time, I saw the uneasiness in you."
I sighed. "Yeah. I'm just not use to this but I'm so glad to go through it today, no matter the pain it might bring. Because at the same time, I'm so happy."
After we did the dishes - which really didn't take too long - we headed into the living room again with everyone else. With no other place to sit, I sat down next to Luke with Clare on his other side. Jack pounced on me when I sat down, stretching out over my lap like I was his bed. Laughing as I watched Jack, he rubbed his face against my leg before he sneezed. All the while, I couldn't help but notice something against Luke's leg and that was Clare's hand, her other resting in his hand. Ugh.
"Is it present time yet?" Brooke asked, looking to her dad.
He laughed, looking between his parents who just chuckled and nodded. "Of course it is!" Mike said, getting Brooke's attention. "What's Christmas for a kid without any presents?"
I took a deep and shaky breath, knowing this would be much harder. I knew a lot of those presents were for me and I didn't like it. Hell, there were dozens and though I knew everyone was getting a lot, I knew how important it was for them to spoil me this year. Might as well give them my shitty cards now and avoid the embarrassment later.
I gave them each their card. Of course, they were all funny ones but with meaning. It was actually kind of nice, seeing their smiles and chuckling. Just like I took the pleasure out of seeing Luke's reaction to my present, this was nice too.
It got harder though as the first present came to me. Jan was kneeling next to the tree and handing them out. "This first one is to Albany from Michael and I," she smiled and gave it to Clare to hand to me. Giving it to me, Jack jumped off my lap and sat on the floor at my feet, as I held it before me.
That feeling returned from earlier this morning when opening presents. The anticipation of not knowing, the fact that it was something for me, and that it was coming from people that cared. Smiling, I tore off the wrapping paper and the moment I did, Jack grabbed it and ran off with the wrapping paper in excitement. Laughing, we watched as he sat on the other side of the room, looking at us as he chewed it up, as if waiting for more of the fun, chewable, rip apart-able paper!
Getting back to the gift, I opened the box and gasped. "Oh my god," I said, my grin somehow growing even more. "You got me a camera," I said, staring between Jan and Mike. "You guys are awesome." I looked down at the Nikon digital camera and it was something I always thought would be cool. I mean, I never had one it the past, obviously. Now, I could use it to preserve memories.
"Thank god you got one," Francis cut in. "You'll keep yourself busy, taking pictures of me all day," he said in a cool voice, making us chuckle. "I know it's something you would love doing."
"Aren't you funny," I chuckled when I met his eyes before I looked back to Mike and Jan. "Thank you guys, I love this. I'll be using this a lot, I'm sure."
Jan smiled up to me from where she sat next to the tree. "You're welcome dear," she said and a moment later, she dug another out from under the tree. It was a smaller box and was way in the back. Bitting her lip, she only glanced up to Mike and gave him a look that told him it was for him.
Mike groaned but he couldn't hide that smile for his wife. He stood up and made his way over to her and sat down next to her, taking the gift from her as he shook his head. "Stubborn woman," he said to us, looking back to her. "I tell her not to get me anything and look what she does...." he mumbled, making us laugh as he opened his gift.
And with the sound of paper tearing, Jack ran back into our little area and swiped the wrapping paper once it was laying on the ground and as fast as he could with it in his mouth, dragging behind him, he sped back to his spot with the other paper he took. God. I loved that dog.
Mike smiling, he opened the small box and his grin grew wider. "Just another reason I picked this one," he said, gesturing to Jan. "She knows how to buy for her hubby." Jan blushed and laughed.
"What is it, dad?" Shannon asked and Mike took out whatever it was and raised it for all of us to see. He held a gold watch; it looked beautiful and like something he would wear. "A watch that I needed. And it looks amazing." He began to put it on as he leaned over and kissed his wife sweetly. "Thank you sweetie."
At that point, I became very conscious of Luke. How his leg touched mine, how I could feel his eyes fall on me, and how his scent still managed to fill my nose. Taking a deep breath, I ignored it as much as possible.
***
Everyone took turns giving out presents and everyone got numerous gifts. However, it was clear the focus was put on me. Presents were given out and everyone got a few from each person. But I seemed to get more than a shit-ton.
From Jan and Mike, I got that amazing camera, a picture for my room, a jewelry box - with jewelry in it! They even got me some boots, a couple gift cards, and classic movies because they knew I haven't seen barely any movies. They ended up getting me so much stuff - from small things like teddy bears to some very nice clothes. It was crazy, how much I was getting. Shannon got me plenty too. Lotion, make-up, some clothes, she also got me a few nice picture frames (for the pictures I will take with my new camera). And Francis... well, he got me everything I would need for a dog like Jack.
"Here," he said as he was giving out presents now. He actually had to walk the gift he got me over to where I sat and rested it in my lap. It was a very heavy bag of something and I had a good guess even if it was wrapped up. "This will help with Jack," he smiled, sitting back on the floor next to the tree when he took Jan's spot of giving out his gifts.
Smiling, I looked over to the little guy he spoke of. Jack's pile of wrapping paper was becoming a very impressive master piece with the artist himself guarding it as he chewed it up and came after more. Chuckling, I tore off the wrapping paper and on cue, Jack ran back over to grab it and take it to his pile. "Oh wow," I said, smiling at seeing the huge bag of dog food Francis got me. "Yeah, this will help for sure," I said, setting in on the floor at my feet along with all the other things I got. It was an overwhelming stash.
"And you will need this as a result of that food," he said, handing Luke another obvious looking wrapped presents, in the shape of a shovel. Laughing, Luke handed it to me and I tore off the paper and sure enough, a shovel.
Laughing, I looked to Francis and found his eyes sparkle in mine, his smile bright with warmth as he took me in. "It has a button on there that makes the handle extend. After all, we are talking about picking up shit."
I laughed and nodded, appreciating it. It really did help. "Thank you, Francis."
He smirked and shrugged. After he gave out a few other gifts to his parents, for Shannon, and Luke and Clare, he shocked me even more by giving Luke another gift and saying, "This one's for Albany."
I knew it was too good to be true, that he was done giving me things. That's how it was with everyone today and I wasn't sure how much more I could handle. I loved it all. But that was the problem. I have never loved so much within a day.... It was like it reached the capacity and the emotions weren't stopping.
I opened the gift Francis got me and by the time Jack ran up to get the paper to play with and chew, he left it. Because there was something else that caught his attention. "It's dog toys," I said with joy and by now, I didn't want any more. It was too much. I squeezed one of them and at making a loud pitched squeal, Jack was all over it. He took it from me and starting to walk away with it; he knew what he wanted and he took it. I loved that about Jack. I laughed and though I heard it crack, my smile wouldn't leave. Under the dog toys, I also noticed something else in the wrapped basket he gave me. "And... a collar for him," I smiled. "Jesus. Thank you so much Francis."
It wasn't long after this that all the presents had been given out. And with that, I knew I had to do more than thank them with words. I didn't care how close I was to breaking. I needed to hug everyone of them for all they have done and given me. By the time I told them all I really appreciated it and loved everything, I knew I couldn't stand it anymore.
I was breaking. It was building up all day and now, I felt it start to crash down on me - and fast.
While everyone started to leave the living room, going their separate way - whether to the bathroom, the kitchen, or to check out more of the stuff they got - I went my own way. And that was towards the door after I quickly told Jan I was just warm and wanted to go outside for some air.
Shaking now that I was out of sight, walking back towards the entrance, I slid my boots on as I opened the door. Stepping outside, shutting the door behind me, I quickly made my way down the porch steps. I was in such a hurry, I forgot about my coat but I didn't care right now. I was fine just being out in the fresh air.
The cold hit my face as well as the night sky, my surroundings lit slightly by a white nature. Snow everywhere, I walked out between the tall pines, taking deep breath trying to relax as best as I could. Walking through the ankle deep snow, all I could do was take in nature. The sweet scent of nature, with nobody but myself. Like it always was and like it would always have to be to some degree because it was clear I couldn't handle all that.
There was something wrong with me. If I couldn't accept the amount of love they were giving me, then was I incapable of giving it? I loved Luke, the dog he gave me, and his family. But was I confusing love with just some other positive feeling? Because honestly, any positive feeling to me was as strong as love when all I was given before was just shit. So it just made sense... that I couldn't love if I couldn't take it and left that house as fast as possible. Sure, a break was needed because it was a lot for one day. But... I loved it so much, to the point where it became too much. It shouldn't be too much if someone is able to accept love. And I guess I couldn't do that.
It just... hit me now. I had the best day of my life today yet I left because I needed a break. That had to mean something. And I didn't know what besides that there had to be something wrong with me.
Taking deep, shallow breaths, I stopped and stood there... in the stillness of the pines as it began to snow in the silent air. No breeze, no noise... it was nice. Still. Nothing. Standing there, I closed my eyes and let myself calm down as best as I could.
"Albany?" I heard a voice come from behind me and I opened my eyes, turning towards the voice and I could only internally groan. I watched as Luke walked through the trees and towards me. After all, he could have just followed my foot prints through the snow.
Waiting, I watched as he continued towards me, his coat wrapped around him - like anyone smart would have on. I pursed my lips and by the time he was standing before me, I didn't know what to say. No explanation. He knew my issue.
The snow falling all around us, the moon light and the snow made him visible and his jade eyes were so beautiful and warm in the cold dull air.
"I... I just needed some air," I said quietly, seeing as he was just staring me up and down with nothing to say yet.
"You forgot your coat," he realized.
I shrugged. "I'm okay."
He stepped closer to me and with only a few feet separating us, I could see how tormented his eyes were, his whole facial expression. Lips tight, eyebrows lowered slightly, he refused to look away from me. "No you're not."
"Look, I don't know what you want to hear but--"
"I don't need to hear anything. I know how hard that was for you."
I shook my head, looking down. "But... I had so much fun. I loved every second of it. That's my problem. I loved it yet here I am, running away from it because I couldn't take anymore of it. I'm not able to accept so much emotion, so much love, at such a capacity. And I should. I mean, it means something. It's that I'm broken."
"Albany," he shook his head, looking at me with sadness and understanding.
"I can't accept love! I tried and I liked how it felt but look where I am now. I can't handle it and that must mean I'm also incapable of giving love. I... I can't be repaired, no matter how much better I'm doing. I can't fully have the ability to express so much emotion and at the same time, I can't accept so much emotion!" Voice broken, I shook even more.
He stepped closer to me, looking deeply into my eyes before he slowly began speaking to me. Cupping my cheek, so close to me, he shook his head. "You stupid woman," he whispered. "You can accept love. The only reason you are having an issue with it is because you aren't comfortable with it yet. It was a lot for you today. It's because you are able to accept love that made you come out here. Because it filled you up today and it was all you could stand." He inched slightly closer, looking down into my wide eyes, stroking my cheek. "You say you can't give love? Are you blind?"
I shook my head. "It's so hard to just say thank you to someone like I just did! How the hell am I suppose to express love, express anything of great power?"
He scoffed. "You do all the time! I know because you affect me with how much you have given me. And... my family wouldn't love you if you didn't love them back. I know you do."
"I... could be confusing those feelings--"
"You could because you never felt positive feelings like you are now all of a sudden. However, if it wasn't love you gave my family, they wouldn't be responding like they are - with love for you."
I couldn't do anything but stand there, shivering, as I stared up into his eyes. Biting my lower lip, feeling my chest twist and heart beat faster, I adverted my eyes from his. He was just so beautiful... his voice, his kind words, his eyes, his warmth he help, his understanding. I wanted him so badly. I could get all the presents in the world and they wouldn't amount to what he would be to me. He always knew what to say - because he understood me; better than I did.
I swallowed hard and before I could say anything, he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me against him, holding me to his warm body. Hugging me to him, I felt my head rest against his chest and I wrapped my own arms around him, hugging him back.
After a moment, I felt my arms tighten as if on instinct and, since his coat was parted, I slid my hands in his coat and around him, hugging him with my hands against his shirt; so warm.... oh god. "Thank you," I said to him quietly, taking a deep breath. His arms still wrapped around me, I moved my head back and tilted it up to meet his eyes. My chest against his as I gazed into his eyes, I continued. "For all you have done for me," I said as my voice broke. "For giving me my first Christmas, for Jack, and for doing everything you could for me. Just so I could be happy. Even when I knew you weren't."
"What are you talking about?" he said softly, running the back of his hand back up to my cheek. His warm touch making me moan slightly, his lips slightly parted let out hot breath that brushed my face.
"I'm sorry you couldn't have the Christmas you wanted. You couldn't be yourself. You can never be yourself when Clare is around. I saw how much it bothered you. Lately, it's really been getting to you. And it wouldn't if you would have just left me to run like I--"
"Stop it," he said louder, eyes full of fire. "You know damn well my pain is worth you staying. It's hard, yes. It was a harder day, especially. But I will deal with it, no matter how much... harder it's becoming."
I pursed my lips, hating that he had to go through this. As I stood there with him, against him, he just stared down at me with those beautiful eyes. I watched the snow flakes catch in his hair and against his coat and it was as if it put me under a spell. One that made me want him so badly with how close we were now.
After a long stretch of silence between us, he finally spoke up. And though I wasn't wearing a coat, the chills came from his words instead, which he just whispered between the space of our faces. "I didn't tell you how beautiful you looked today."
I felt myself gasp slightly and could feel that being against him like I was was making me warmer, especially with me so close and being partially wrapped in his coat as I still had my arms around him. He swallowed as he continued to speak, his hand on my cheek running through a strand of my hair. "Your long locks down, wearing a bow I gave you, wearing my necklace, and more importantly, your smile. I never saw you laugh or smile as much as you have today. It was the most beautiful sight, Albany."
By now, I should have been freezing my ass off with no coat. But his words were too distracting. Being against him like I was, I could feel my guard fall and all I wanted to do was kiss him. Kiss his soft warm lips as the snow fell around us slowly, as if it was putting me in a trance. I wanted him... so much. I didn't expect him to say those words to me and though he might not have meant to say them didn't mean he didn't think they were true. At least, I wanted them to be true, they were so beautiful. It was as if it was still true... that he had feelings for me.
I felt my hands move from inside his coat up to cup his cheeks, running my thumbs over his smooth skin. Taking a deep breath, taking in his wonderful scent of shampoo and cologne, of the nature mixing around us, I felt even more drawn to him. Looking up at him, as I ran my thumbs over his cheeks, I watched as he closed his eyes and I could feel tension leave his body as he relaxed against me even more, his arms only coming to tighten against me.
"And... I can feel your beauty," he whispered so quietly, I could barely hear, in somewhat of a daze.
He opened his eyes a moment later and when they met mine, I could feel a small tear leave them. A tear for all I experienced today, for how happy I was today, for how understanding he was, for the pain he must endure, and for my pain I must endure over him. I didn't want to endure it anymore, especially right now, right here, when he was so close to me.
It was all I could take. I didn't know if he was right. That I was able to express love because it was hard for me to accept it. But I wanted to. I wanted to express it... right to him. To the man causing it all.
I leaned up, closing my eyes and welcoming my dream. Slowly, carefully, with loving caution, I kissed his gentle lips as I held him against me and he did the same. My lips connecting with his, I pressed them against his and kissed him softly. Not with lust. But with the overwhelming love, love I knew I had for him if for no one else.
I can't say why I did what I did. Maybe because I just couldn't handle it anymore. I didn't know. I just knew that he did it before and though there were consequences, why couldn't I do it? It was Christmas and I just wanted to thank him. That can be the excuse I can use for kissing him later on.
Kissing him, I felt so warm.... His hands around me, his breath brushing against my face as I kissed him, his cheeks in my palms, and his body against me. So warm. I started to slowly move my mouth more over his and I felt an overwhelming joy and hope blossom in me when he kissed me back. His arms tightened against my back, lips a force of their own as they worked with mine. Moving my hands back down to his shoulders, I wrapped them around his neck and held him just as tightly to me. Head tilted up and his down, our lips met and moved in sync, my mouth moving against him and his returning the favor.
It was such a magical moment for me, no matter how dumb that sounds. I felt like I was in a dream with the snow acting as the walls of reality, blocking it out and leaving us to hold each other and show our affection. Because even though it was hard to show or accept feelings, things like this was an exception with Luke for how much I wanted him.
And I wanted him.... If today taught me anything, it was that. I saw how much he cared for me today, how much he was willing to do for me, just to have a nice day. And what could be better than that?
Knowing how cold I was, he slid one hand under my sweater and rested his fingers against the skin of my back. His other hand moving back up moved to clasp around my neck and hold me up against him, the touch sending sparks of warmth over me and I felt myself moan into his mouth as I tightened my arms around him myself.
My hands moving down to his shoulders, I moved them down his hard chest under his coat and against his shirt. By then, I could feel his lips slowly start to untwist from mine as mine did the same and as gently and slowly as they had come together, they slowly detached and just as slowly, I felt my eyes open just as his did, meeting mine.
"Albany..." he whispered, moving his hands to rest just on my sides. Eyes wide, searching mine, I knew what I just did was a mistake no matter how right it just felt. "I...."
"I know," I cut him off and nodded, avoiding his eyes. I moved my hands away from his chest, dropping them to my side and taking a small step back from him. Biting my lip, I knew what I had to say before he did. Because I knew what this had to be: a moment that never happened. After all, it was my fault because I started it. "It didn't happen," I whispered as I moved around him, heading back towards the house.
It didn't happen. It couldn't. Because it was impossible for us, because we couldn't go there and risk our already shaky friendship, because I didn't want him to know just how much I cared for him, because he was trying to get rid of those feelings for me. In the end, it was because it was just too damn complicated, for the both of us.
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Kind of a bittersweet Christmas for Albany. Tell me what you though and what you think is going to happen next after Christmas is over. Picture of Jack on the side.