The pain wasn't new to you. The cuts, bruises, broken bones and bleeding thru your clothes was an old friend to you now. But being captured was an experience you hadn't yet felt, and it was horrifying. To make matters worse, you were captured by some do-gooder in a stars and stripes uniform, making the embarrassment unbearable. Pain shot thru your shoulder as he held his knee into your back and pulled your arms firmly behind you. No, you wouldn't cry. You wouldn't scream for help or for mercy. Instead, you quietly planned the ways that you would tear this walking flag limb from limb to make him pay for capturing a top Hydra operative. You would make him beg and plead for mercy as you made an example of him in front of the others. Once your partner learned of your capture, his teammates would pay for this as well. You smiled at the thought of their downfall as he dragged you across the cold ground and into the nearby jet.
~~~
"Steve, I can't remember anything more, I'm sorry. I'm trying, I really am, but I think this might be pointless."
You had spent hours looking at information about your life with Hydra, before Steve had captured you and worked so hard to make you a part of SHIELD. No one had believed him when he said that he saw potential and that he could convince you to join them, and at first, they were right. You don't even know how many fights the two of you have had since then, and how many times you tried to run, but somehow there was something in Steve that you were drawn to. Despite the brainwashing and the Hydra training, he was finally able to break thru and build a mutual trust. But when the Hydra agents within SHIELD learned that you had joined, they taunted you with promises of returning to work with your old partner, nearly pulling you back in. When it all collapsed, Bucky went into hiding; but Steve was still there for you, never a question for him if he would be or not.
After all that he had done for you, you wanted to help him, trying to give the Captain any information on where he could find his old friend. You only knew him as the Winter Soldier, and neither of you had any personal knowledge about the other; if captured, no information could be leaked if you didn't have any to give.
Steve leaned back in his chair, frustrated with a lack of progress in finding Bucky after a long and painful search. "I know, and I'm sorry to put this pressure on you, (Y/N). Thank you for trying to help." He smiled at you, sincerely, and put his hand on yours. "I really do appreciate everything you've done."
It was hard to believe that this man in front of you was the one that you had plotted to kill so violently only two years before. Your imagination was a colorful one, and his death would have been glorious. You smirked to yourself as you remembered that day, now just a hazy memory, along with all the rest that he was trying to find, locked away somewhere in your mind.
"What?" He asked, "what's that look for?"
"I was just thinking about all the ways that I had planned to kill you."
His eyes widened and his back straightened as he pulled his hand away from yours. "Then why do you look so...content?"
"Don't worry, Cap. Those urges are gone. Just a...fond memory." Exhausted from the long session, you stretched as you stood. "So, do you want to grab some dinner? I'm starving."
"If we can stay in, sure," he yawned loudly as he walked towards the lounge, "and if you order that pizza that I like. You good if I pick out a movie?" He was out of earshot before you had the chance to reply, likely on purpose.
"Don't make me regret letting you live, little man."
~~~
"Well this is just pathetic." Natasha quietly walked past you and Steve, now both asleep on the couch with your head resting in his lap and his hand in your hair. The movie had finished hours ago and a cold pizza sat on the table next to you, barely eaten. She grabbed a slice as she continued on her way to the gym.
Steve must have heard her as she moved by; his body jerked awake, but his hand was tangled in your hair. You let out a small yelp as his quick movement yanked your head back, "Hey, ow!" Your hand reached for his to help him untangle himself as he profusely apologized, mortified at what he had done. "Come on, Cap, it's a bit too early in the relationship for hair pulling, don't ya think?"
"Yeah, um, yeah I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...yeah, ok. I'm gonna go...need to rest up for the mission tomorrow...so, good night then!" He awkwardly lifted your head so that he could stand, moving towards the door as fast as he could. You laughed to yourself at the situation, not seeing Steve so flustered all that often. As soon as he exited and was out of sight, he leaned against the wall to compose himself. I'm such an idiot. Oh, how stupid can I be? God, I'm the biggest idiot there is.
"How many signals does that girl need to give you before you catch on? You're a huge idiot, you know that?" Clint passed by him quickly, holding a slice of your pizza in each hand, hoping that you wouldn't catch him. Steve sighed loudly and lowered his head in defeat.
"Thanks, Barton."
~~~
The mission was going pretty much to plan, right up until the moment you got separated from the team. You weren't scared, but rather more annoyed than anything that you would now have to find your way back, wasting time that you could have used to get the job finished. You felt like you had been purposefully drawn away and were at high alert for an ambush or attack while you were on your own. Your earpiece had been knocked out earlier in the battle, so you were relying on your senses to protect yourself. Just like the good old days.
You couldn't shake the feeling that you were being watched, but when you turned to look, there was nothing to be found. Maybe it was nerves? No, the battlefield was your natural element. So then what was it?
The group of voices ahead of you were finally familiar; quickening your pace, you made your way back to your team. They sounded as if they were still in the midst of a very active battle. As you cleared the perimeter of the fight zone, you saw Steve's shield hurtling towards you, too fast for you to move out of its path. All you could do was close your eyes and hope for the best as it slammed into you, throwing you against a large tree with a force that broke several branches and created a rain of leaves around you.
It felt as if you were cut in half, the pain in your chest and abdomen instantly intolerable. You couldn't breathe, you couldn't move, and you thought for sure this was the end for you. The world around you was beginning to spin and black spots were forming in your vision. You thought you saw Steve running towards you, but his form was a blur, only clearing as he was kneeling right next to you.
"(Y/N)! Oh my god, what did I do? (Y/N), stay awake, okay? I'm gonna get you out of here, just stay awake." His head shot up frantically, looking for a way to get you to help. "Stark?!"
"Right behind you, Cap." Tony landed at his back and looked over his shoulder at you as Steve frantically ripped your uniform away to assess your injury. The bruising was immediate, and you heard Steve wince as he saw your entire torso turning a deep purple and black.
"She's got internal injuries." Steve mumbled under his breath. "Tony, can you get her to the jet?"
Tony reached down to lift you, but your piercing scream as he tried stopped him immediately. "Cap...?" He looked at Steve with a mournful gaze, knowing that this could be more than they were able to fix.
"No, I won't accept that, Tony. We're gonna get her out and she's gonna be okay. You hear me, (Y/N)?"
You weren't able to speak thru the pain, but you agreed with a small nod of your head. It became harder and harder to stay awake, and the Captain's orders would soon to be impossible to follow. Steve leaned down next to you, his mouth close to your ear; you were almost certain that you could feel tears on his face.
"I love you."
As he pulled away you wanted to say it back, but every breath caught in your chest with a stabbing pain that kept you silent. You nodded slightly, grabbed his arm, and with a weak smile you tried to convey the feeling back to him. You closed your eyes for just a moment, and when you opened them, a different face was in front of you, looking at you intently with dark eyes.
"Surrender is not an option, even when it is to ourselves, (Y/N)."
You weren't sure if he was real or if you were having hallucinations from the pain or blood loss. It didn't really matter in this moment; he was a welcome sight nonetheless. As he cautiously lifted you from the ground, the exquisite pain solidified that he was definitely real. You tried to keep your attention on Steve, whose face was now as white as the snow on the ground that surrounded you. His eyes were filled with questions, and his expression was that of utter disbelief.
"Bucky?"
~~~
Steve sat completely still outside of your hospital room, looking in the window as Bucky sat beside you. You hadn't woken from surgery yet, and both men were separately holding vigil. He wanted to go in. He wanted to go in more than anything he had felt before; you were alive, despite him and the terrible mistake that he had made. Steve fought the compelling need within him to touch you, to make you real again in his mind, desperate to feel your heartbeat.
But Bucky was there.
Steve's chest ached, longing for answers, longing to talk to him. Where had he been? Why was he here? How did he know you were there? Does he remember who he used to be?
"Steve, just go in there. You know it's the only way."
He sighed, his chest rising noticeably, letting the breath out slowly and deliberately. He thought for a moment about how that scene might play out, but he shook his head, his mind only able to envision negative possibilities. "I don't know if that's a good idea, Tony." Steve's stare was again on your visitor. "What's he doing here? How did he know...do you think he was tracking us?"
"Maybe he's been looking for her, too?"
The Captain's eyes quickly widened and his mouth dropped open as his head turned sharply to look at Tony, then back to Bucky. "I never even considered that. What if he's here to take her away with him?" He stood up, still watching Bucky, his arms now crossed over his chest in an authoritative pose. "That can't...that won't happen, Stark."
Tony nodded his head silently in agreement. "Did you tell her?"
"Yeah." Steve moved towards the entrance of your room, but his hand rested on the door with a slight hesitancy. "But his words were the last that she heard."
Bucky's weight shifted slightly in the chair as Steve slowly opened the door. It was a meeting that was destined to happen, but neither of them wanted this to be the place for it. Once he entered, Steve closed the door and sat across the room from Bucky, not wanting to pressure him.
"Steve."
"Yes."
"It's been a long time."
"Ha!" Steve chuckled, "you ain't kiddin." After a moment of watching his old friend, his tone grew serious again, hoping to get answers on the Winter Soldier's plans. Revisiting memories would have to wait. "Buck, why are you here? How did you know where she was?"
"I've always known where she was, Steve. I've always known she was with you." Bucky's eyes met Steve's for the first time since he entered the room. "When she was captured I was ordered to let her go, but I never gave up the hope that I would see (Y/N) again. After everything fell apart, I thought I was finally free to look for her, but then I saw her with you, and she looked...happy. I needed her to be safe while I was away, trying to remember, and I knew with you would be the safest place she could find. Until today..."
The concentration on Steve's face broke, his mind reliving the moment that brought you here, and the pain he felt that would never go away. "It was an accident. A terrible accident that I will never forgive myself for. I don't really expect her too either, and I'm prepared to accept that."
"She will."
"Are you here to take her away, Buck?" Steve stood now, trying to keep a calm posture as he spoke. "You know I can't let that happen."
"She can decide for herself." Bucky stood as well, mirroring Steve's stance as they maintained their distance. "But no, that's not my plan."
"And what is, exactly?"
"I want to stay."
Part 2
"So, did she ever tell you how she was planning to kill you?"
Steve smiled to himself as he remembered the conversation with you from only the day before, when the thoughts of his demise crossed your mind. It was a day when you were happy and vibrant, a day when you weren't hooked up to a machine that was breathing for you. A day when he had planned to tell you how he felt, but his nerves got in the way. A day when your smile would light up any room, and your laughter would make his heart skip a beat. He longed for today to be that day; before his actions put you in this hospital bed, and before he would have ever worried if he would see your smile or feel your laughter in his soul again.
"Uh, no. No, we haven't discussed that, though she did bring it up only yesterday." Steve looked to Bucky, who was still sitting at your side, watching the machine make your chest rise and fall with a calming rhythm. "Why do you ask?"
Even when speaking to Steve, Bucky's eyes never wavered from watching you, and waiting for signs that you would wake. "I assume that when you captured her, she had quite the plan ready. She was always known for her...colorful methods."
Steve's eyes widened as he looked at you, wondering how such a beautiful and joyful person could be known for her skills at killing. His mind was stuck in creating the imagery of how you might go about it, wondering if anything he could come up with was even close, or if your methods were far more terrifying. He shook his head to chase the thoughts away before they got any worse.
"Well, anyway, I've talked to the team, and they said you're welcome to stay at the tower. I don't know if that was your plan or not, but I sure would like it if you stayed there."
The Captain's words finally pulled Bucky's attention from you. "What do you expect to happen, Steve?"
"What do you mean?"
"Are you hoping that we become best friends again? Like the good old days?"
Steve knew that it really was what he wanted, and would always want, but he also knew that it was a possibility that he would never have Bucky in his life in that way again. Right now, he wanted to focus on the fact that he was even here at all, and how he would keep him that way. "I'm hoping that we can maybe get to know each other again. That's all, Buck."
The room grew quiet again, and the two men sat in silence for several minutes before Bucky finally spoke. "What if she doesn't wake up?"
Steve's breath caught in his throat at the question and struggled at the thought. "She will. I won't consider anything else."
~~~
"Here." Tony had joined the two with a cup of coffee for each of them, then walked to the other side of your bed to look closer at your monitors. "How has she been doing? Any change?"
"No. The doc said it could be any minute now, or it could be hours or more before we know anything." Steve's voice was quiet and reserved, not looking up from the floor as he spoke, "this is my fault. If she doesn't...if she..." His breathing quickened as his anger rose within him; anger that he had reserved for himself and that was unrelenting. He turned the cup in his hands as he thought about the possibility that you might not come back to him. When he couldn't stand the thought any longer, he stood and threw the cup at the far wall, smashing it into tiny pieces, leaving a dent in the wall where it had hit.
"Rogers, pull it together." Bucky stood and stepped next to Steve, his hands ready to restrain him if necessary. "You can beat yourself up all you want on your own time. Not now, understand?"
"No, you understand." He turned to face Bucky straight on and squared his shoulders with a firm stance. "I did this. I am responsible, and if she doesn't make it, then I've lost another person that I...that I love. And it's my fault, again. So don't tell me to pull it together, alright? You, of all people, should get what this is like."
"What is that supposed to mean, me of all people?"
Tony ran from around your bed to step between the men, though he wondered how long he could hold his own in a fight with two super soldiers and no suit. "Okay, okay, boys. Let's just take this down for a minute. If you want to kick each other's asses, then go outside." He put a hand on each of their chests and pushed them back just a bit. "I'm sure you've both got about 75 years of pent up anger, but this room is not the place to deal with it."
At that moment your ventilator began to alarm, followed by several of the monitors surrounding you. A team of doctors and nurses ran into the room, swarming around your bed, working frantically but not saying anything to your friends.
"What's going on?" Steve grabbed the arm of one of the nurses, urgently trying to get any information on the situation.
"Gentlemen, you will all have to wait outside." The nurse tried to usher them out, without success.
"Tell us what's happening!"
"Captain, if you don't wait outside, I will have you removed. I will come out with an update as soon as I can." Her tone became softer as she saw Steve's eyes grow more and more worried. "I promise. As soon as I can."
~~~
Steve found himself staring at you thru the window of your room once again, Bucky and Tony at his side. He couldn't see you past the team that was working on you, but he was sure to hold his position until he could.
"How did you manage to capture her?" Bucky stood next to Steve, equally as determined to stay there until he saw you. "It couldn't have been easy."
Clearing his throat, Steve nodded as he began, "yeah, she put up one hell of a fight. She's the first person to break a bone since the serum. It was hard to not be impressed as I tried to stay alive." He glanced at Bucky, then to the floor. "I assume you trained her?"
"I did."
"How long were you...together?"
"Five years. But we weren't 'together'. Not like that." Bucky brought his hand up to rub the tired from his eyes, refusing to allow fatigue to take him from you for even a moment. "It was much more than that."
Tony spotted a nurse walking towards the door and quickly stood to meet her. "Hey, guys, over here." Steve and Bucky took their place next to him, anxious for any word on how you were.
"She's awake. However," she paused, pointedly looking at each man, "she's tired, she's in a lot of pain, and she's still very critical. You can have five minutes, are we clear?"
"Yes, ma'am," Steve said as he hurriedly pushed past her and to your side, with Bucky and Tony close behind. He paused as he finally laid eyes on you, looking at the entirety of your condition; as if worried that he might break you, he softly placed a kiss on your forehead.
"I was so scared. I'm sorry for this. I'm so sorry," he whispered into your hair.
"Hey, sleeping beauty." Bucky reached down and took your hand, bringing it to his lips.
Your throat burned from the breathing tube, and the pain from your injuries was still quite strong. Seeing Steve gave you comfort, knowing he was at your side. You had so many questions for Bucky, but your voice would surely fail you now, so they would have to wait. Steve had likely already begun asking many of them anyway. You looked between the two men, realizing that this could be more difficult for Steve than for you, having worked with him for so long to come to this moment with his old friend.
"Are you..." your voice was hoarse and cracked as you tried to speak, "Steve, are you...okay?"
He chuckled a bit at this, rolling his eyes at the thought that you could even worry about him at a time like this, when you were in so much pain. "Don't you dare worry about me, (Y/N). Just please get better, okay?"
You looked to your past partner cautiously, not knowing what his current state of mind was. "So...Bucky. I finally get to know...your name." You coughed a bit as your throat began to feel tight from talking. "I've missed you."
"Alright, gentlemen, she needs to rest. Finish up." The nurse stood by the door, waiting for your friends to say their goodbyes and ready to enforce their departure if necessary.
Tony stepped in first to give you a small kiss on the cheek, "Next time just ask me for time off, okay?" You gave him a nod as he and Bucky left the room, leaving Steve to have time alone with you.
"Hey, don't blame...yourself, okay?" Your voice was barely a whisper now, so Steve moved in closer so you wouldn't try to push it further. "I don't."
"I'll try." His eyes met yours, holding the gaze for a minute before he bent down to kiss you. He pulled back and rested his forehead against yours, "I'll try."
Before your voice completely failed, you had to say the words that you couldn't say when he had done so first. You needed to say the words that you knew he was waiting to hear more than anything. "Steve, I love you too."
Just out of your line of sight, Bucky watched from the other side of the window, dropping his gaze to the floor as he saw Steve kiss you one last time.
Part 3
As the hours turned into days and days turned into weeks, your body healed and you were finally able to return home to the tower. Wanda had been a savior to you, using her power to calm you thru the pain you still felt with every breath and every slow, deliberate step.
Steve and Bucky were with you everyday; listening to Steve tell stories from their past captivated you, as did watching your old partner soak up the lost memories being given back to him. Steve took his new role of boyfriend very seriously, always at your side for whatever you needed, carrying you when your body was too fatigued, and staying with you when the waves of pain returned. He couldn't come to a place of forgiveness for himself, and he would spend his days showing you how sorry he was.
Bucky was so different than how you remembered him, even though much of your memory of the time together was hazy now. He had a softer look in his eyes, and his demeanor towards you was gentle and thoughtful. He had always treated you well during your time together and was very protective, but seeing him now feels different, more intimate.
Seeing Steve prepare for a mission, you felt jealous for the first time, knowing how your doctor wouldn't clear you for training yet meant a mission was weeks away. Once you cleared that hurdle, you would then have to deal with your overprotective boyfriend and the likely argument that would bring.
"How long will you be gone this time?"
Steve smiled softly as he strapped his shield to his back, "I think only a day or two at most. Why, you gonna miss me?"
"I always miss you. And I worry." You took a chance that now might be as good a time as any to bring up the subject of your status on the team. "It's hard for me to not be there, you know?"
Steve's posture straightened and he squared his shoulders, turning to look at you. "Are you sure you want to have this conversation right now, (Y/N)? Just as I'm about to leave?"
Closing your eyes, you tried to maintain calm as you spoke. "Why do I feel like we just did? I knew this was going to happen. I knew that you were going to have a problem with this. What is it? Do you not trust me to keep myself safe? Do you think I'm out of practice after all this time? What?"
"Of course I have a problem with this, (Y/N). It was too hard to see you injured, almost dead at that. I can't see you go thru that again. I won't."
"None of that would have happened if it weren't for you, Steve!"
You regretted the words the moment they left your lips. Your eyes widened as you slapped your hand over your mouth, shaking your head at him as you saw the tears begin to well up in his eyes. The look of shock and regret on his face was one you wouldn't soon forget.
"Do you think I don't know that?" his voice was barely a whisper. "Do you think I don't punish myself for that every day? Do you think that every time I look at you, I don't see the moment that my shield hit you playing over and over in my head?"
"Steve...I...I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."
His gaze dropped to the floor as he nodded his head, and without a word grabbed his pack and left.
~~~
"So, he didn't say anything to you before he left?"
Steve had been gone for a day now, and it was the first time you had felt willing to leave your room, still upset about what you had said to him. You had hoped that he said something to Bucky that might make you feel better about the chance that you hadn't pushed him away for good.
"No, I'm sorry. I didn't talk to him at all." He put down the weights he had been working with and grabbed a towel to wipe the sweat from his brow as he sat on the bench next to you. "So it's bad, then?"
"I really don't know. I could tell that I hurt him, on top of how much he hurts himself over this whole thing." You closed your eyes and rested your head back against the wall. "How could I be so stupid? I don't even believe the words that I said, Buck. I was just angry."
Before you could open your eyes, you felt Bucky's lips pressing softly against yours. You opened your eyes and jumped, shocked at his forwardness. "What the hell was that?!"
"Shit. I'm sorry, (Y/N), I'm sorry. It's just...you looked so sad, and I just...I couldn't stand it anymore. I've loved you for years now, and then you were just gone." His words were spilling out so quickly that you almost had trouble following them, on top of the shock of what just happened. "I watched over you for so long, but then Steve...he loves you too, and I couldn't...I couldn't hurt him but I still wanted you. And now we're both here and on the same team again..."
"Bucky, I'm sorry. I love Steve." You put your hand over his, trying to comfort him as he leaned forward to rest his head in his hands. "But I love you too, Buck, so much. Just not in the way you want me to."
He silently nodded his head, but as you looked at him you saw something move in your peripheral vision. You turned quickly to see Steve walking away.
~~~
"Steve!" You were following him as he retreated from what he had seen in the gym, but he wasn't stopping when you called after him. "Steve, please stop!"
He abruptly turned and walked towards you, his face red with anger. "You need to step back, (Y/N). I knew this was going to happen, I knew it. From the minute he picked you up in the field, and the hours he spent watching you in the hospital, I knew this was going to happen." He began to back away, his hands raised in front of him, "I thought that I...that we...that I had a chance."
"Steve, please listen to me." You continued to follow as he tried to retreat once again, "I love you. Only you, Steve. I told him that."
His face grew more intense and his fists clenched together now. "Wait, you told him that? And he still kissed you?"
"I told him after. I didn't know he was going to do that, Steve, I swear. I thought he knew how I felt about you."
He began to storm past you, undoubtedly heading towards the gym to confront his friend. You grabbed his arm as he passed, but he shook it off, making you stumble back against the wall. His fast reflexes caught and steadied you, turning to pull you next to him. "No, no, no, I'm sorry! I didn't mean for that to happen, I'm sorry, are you okay?"
"Steve, calm down, I'm fine." You closed your eyes and leaned into him, a low hum in your throat as you felt his heartbeat against you, finding comfort in the strength of his arms around you. How could he not know that you wouldn't want anyone other than him? "I'm not as breakable as you think."
You both stood silently together for several minutes, not wanting to be the first to pull back. "There will never be anyone else, Steve. You need to know that." You took a deep breath, cautious about your next words, "But Bucky will always be very important to me too. He was my best friend, I love him too."
Bucky walked up to you both, slowly assessing the situation before he spoke. "Steve, I messed up. It won't happen again." He looked to you, hoping to find forgiveness in your eyes to let him know that the two of you would be okay.
Steve gave you a small kiss to the top of your head and released you to turn to Bucky. "I know it won't, Buck." You gasped as Steve raised his arm to punch Bucky in the jaw, throwing him backwards to the ground. He rubbed his jaw and stood slowly to face Steve, then offered his hand; Steve took it into a firm shake. "We're good."
Bucky looked to you again, waiting for you to say something, anything at all. You walked up to him calmly, looked him in the eye, and pulled your arm back to punch him hard enough to knock him to the floor once again. You heard Steve's laugh as you offered Bucky a hand to stand up. "We're good too."