The city at night really is the most beautiful sight that you had ever seen. Sitting atop the tower, as one of the tallest buildings in Manhattan, you had a vantage point that very few would ever experience. You swung your legs mindlessly over the edge and closed your eyes as the breeze cooled your skin and tousled your hair, allowing you to clear your mind for the first time that day. Here, the intensity and emotional toll that training with Natasha had on you could be forgotten, even if for only a short time.
When you moved to the city you had hoped to never be found, but the spy was on your trail from almost your first day; your powers were dark and ominous, and you did as much as you could to keep them hidden from the world around you. Your childhood was filled with secrecy and shame and the belief that an evil had found you. You weren't wanted, and it was painfully obvious. When you were old enough to be on your own you travelled to New York to try to blend in and be invisible within the craziness of the city, hoping that you could finally live your life and keep your power a secret.
A click of the door behind you startled you briefly; you closed your eyes and covered yourself in darkness so that you wouldn't be seen. It wasn't that you were afraid to be found, but this was your time to be alone and you wanted to protect your hiding place.
You turned to see Natasha leaning back against the building with her eyes squeezed tightly shut and breathing heavily. She took a few deep breaths, wiped her eyes and quickly returned back into the tower with no more than a moment passing by.
~~~
"What are you so afraid of? I know what you can do, (Y/N), so do it!"
You grabbed Natasha's foot and flipped her onto her back but stepped away, panting and holding your side at the sharp pain that cut with each breath. "You know why, Nat. I don't want to use them. I could seriously hurt you." You took a seat on the bench and watched her slowly stand, having a moment of pride in yourself that you could slow her down with only your fighting skills.
"It looks like I can do okay without them anyway."
"You got lucky," she groaned, stretching her arms over her head with a slight grimace on her face. "So tell me, what do I say to Steve when he asks about your progress, and I say that you won't work on your other skills? You know he expects you to be working on them."
"Tell him I can kick your ass without them."
Talking about your umbrakinetic powers did nothing but make you anxious and uncomfortable; not willing to engage her any further you grabbed your gear, anxious to get back to your hiding place.
Once there it took a little longer to settle in and find your place of relaxation. You knew that Natasha was going to keep pushing and pushing until she got you to finally break and use powers. Every time you did, it felt wrong and it drained the joy from you; dark energy was hard to manipulate and hard to not let it affect you as you tried.
After about an hour alone, it happened again. Natasha opened the door, shut her eyes and took a few deep breaths, wiped her eyes and went back in. You hid yourself each time.
The next night, it happened again.
And the next.
And the next.
The fifth night that it happened was different, and you didn't hide yourself from her. She stepped out onto the roof as usual, but she held a pack over her shoulder and was dressed to leave. She had the same look of distress that she had carried every other night, but now she looked resolved too. She was running away.
You would by lying if you hadn't said you weren't jealous, after the many times you would have done the same, but this was Natasha, and she was much more important to the team than you felt that you ever were. She was with the team from the beginning; she was at the heart of it, and she couldn't just walk away.
"Natasha? What's happened?"
She jolted at the sound of your voice and quickly wiped her eyes as she turned towards you. "(Y/N)? What...what are you doing up here?"
"I come up here to think," you stood and moved cautiously towards her, "and maybe escape a little, like you do."
"So you've seen me up here?"
"For the last five nights." She hung her head and looked embarrassed, but it was hard to tell in the dark. "Nat, where are you going?" you asked in a quiet voice.
"This doesn't feel right. I keep having nightmares and I can't shake them." She shook her head slightly and sighed, "maybe it's time to find some new covers. Maybe this life isn't for me anymore. I'm starting to understand how you feel, (Y/N)."
You felt an ache in your chest at the thought of her leaving; the thought of going through all of this without her made it feel that much more insurmountable. She had been at your side since the first day, and you wanted her to stay there. Not only that, but you needed her there.
"Running away isn't the answer. You've told me that every day that I've been here when I want to give up, but you won't follow it yourself?" You put your hand on hers, testing how she might react, and to your surprise, she wove her fingers through yours and gave a small squeeze. "Let's go inside and talk for a while, okay?"
She nodded reluctantly and followed you inside. "Do you really come up here every night?" she asked.
"Most of them, yeah. I like the night air, and it's dark...like me."
She was about to give you her usual reply that you were being ridiculous and your skills aren't who you are as a person, the same speech you had heard daily, but she was interrupted by Tony before she could begin.
"Suit up, ladies. It's go time."
~~~
This is what happens when you get pushed too far. Mistakes are made.
In the seconds it took for the energy to leave your hands, you knew immediately that you had screwed up. This was exactly why you didn't want to use it. You were supposed to hit the HYDRA guard; you could absorb the life out of a person with your energy, being at least thankful that you could give them a peaceful end. When the darkness of your energy dissipated, the sight wasn't what you expected and your heart dropped into your stomach. You screamed for your teammates, seeing Steve lying motionless where the guard had just been.
~~~
The second that the jet landed at the tower, you burst from the back door and ran as fast as you could to the roof, desperate to get away from the team. You could hear Nat yelling for you, and the sounds of Steve being taken to the infirmary with staff yelling orders, but you ignored them all in your need to just get up there.
You took the stairs two at a time, panting and crying as you ran. The walls felt like they were closing in on you, and if you didn't reach the door soon you would be crushed between them. Finally at the top, you pushed the door open and ran to the edge, teetering slightly as you came to a halt, looking down at the people below who were living their lives, day to day, without a thought to the danger you could pose to them from just a few stories above.
Maybe your family was right; maybe you were filled with evil. If you could hurt someone like Steve, one of the best people you had ever known, then it must be true. It was a mistake to have ever come here, and it would do everyone a favor if you left.
"Step back now, (Y/N)!"
Nat stopped only a few feet from you, her hands extended towards you but too far away to make contact. Tony and Clint stood silently only a short distance behind but ready to act.
"Go away. Turn around and just go away."
"He's going to be okay," she said in a pleading voice, "I swear, he's going to be fine, (Y/N)."
You glanced back over your shoulder for a moment, then back to the city below, "thank you for letting me know. It would have killed anyone else, Nat. I can't be that much of a risk to you; I won't." You took in a shaky breath and shuddered at the cold air filling your lungs, "I told you that I didn't want to use them. I told you this could happen. What if I had hit you?"
"What if you had?" she asked, her voice becoming a bit angry as you refused to come down from the edge. "Then I would be dead and you would feel sorry for yourself, right?"
"Um, Nat?" Clint whispered, "I don't think that's the best way to go."
You finally turned towards her, not sure if you had really heard her correctly, but growing angry just the same. "I would feel sorry for myself? Is that what you think is going on here?"
"Isn't it?"
"I'm trying to protect you! I'm trying to protect you from this curse that I carry around with me, acting like I can just go on with a normal life like everyone else. I care too much about you to risk hurting you, Natasha, don't you understand that?" You turned away from her again, the sight of her distracting you from your intentions. "Maybe I am a monster."
She chose to slowly take a few more steps forward, ignoring Tony as he cleared his throat to try to get her attention. "I'll stay if you stay," she whispered, barely loud enough for you to hear. "If you're not here, then there's really no other reason anymore."
Your eyes widened at her words, and they resonated a truthfulness in you that matched how you were feeling. "What did you just say?" you whispered.
"I'll stay if you stay." Natasha reached her hand out to you as her expression softened in the hopes that you would take it and join her on stable ground. "Please."
The cold wind against your face made the sting of tears hurt more as they began to spill onto your cheeks again. Your legs began to weaken and your muscles trembled with fatigue when your body relented to the stress. She saw this and lunged forward, taking you into her arms and pulling you down next to her.
"Jesus, that scared the hell outta me," Tony sighed, pulling Clint into the stairwell and back into the tower. "I think I need a drink, how about you? My treat."
Natasha held you there for several minutes, reluctant to let you go until she could be sure that you wouldn't go back to the edge. "So, you'll stay?"
"Will you?" you asked with a small sniffle. "Oh, I'm sorry!" You pulled back from her and chuckled a little, "I got your shirt all wet! I cried all over it."
Natasha reached up and held your face in her hands, slowly and gently pressing her lips to yours. She pulled back and rested her forehead against yours and closed her eyes. "I've got plenty of shirts. Just one you."