"(Y/N), what the hell do you think you're doing? I gave you a direct order, and you had better follow it!"
"Well it was a bad order, Steve! I can get to them!"
"I'm not going to say this again, you need to stand down!"
"You need to take the power trip down a notch!"
"Guys," Tony interjected over the comm, "is this really the time for you two-"
"Shut up, Stark!" you both yelled together, so loudly that Clint ripped out his earpiece and shook his head to regain his senses.
"Not this again," he grumbled.
"(Y/N), I swear to god if you go in there..." Steve ran to the building as you entered, missing you by only a moment. "Seriously?! Are you doing this to me on purpose? Do you enjoy this?"
Steve waited for you to yell back with some sarcastic answer, but none came. He stopped and tapped his ear, wondering if he lost the connection. "(Y/N), can you hear me?"
Nothing.
"Uh, Cap. We can all hear you," Natasha said with a hint of worry in her voice.
Steve's eyes widened and his breath quickened as he ran into the building, his heart beating so hard that he could hear it, drowning out the other voices of the team. Tony and Clint rushed to follow in behind him, not knowing what they were going to face and making sure that the Captain had back up.
Natasha stood with Thor, anxiously pacing back and forth with her hands on her hips and watching her feet. If she stared at the door too long she knew that she wouldn't be able to hold back from running in. Thor was silent and motionless, with Bruce next to him, both waiting for even the smallest signal to act.
Romanoff jumped and her head snapped up when the door broke off its hinges and flew from the building. She gasped as she saw Steve barreling towards her, carrying your lifeless body in his arms.
"Get the jet!"
~~~
Tony had a couch brought into the infirmary so Steve could stay at your side day and night, even though he still insisted that the Captain should get out for some air once in a while. Your fiancé was certainly known for his tenacity, and this was no different; he had skipped the last three missions, slept a total of six hours, and ate only twice in the past five days as he waited for you to wake up. He was told that all he could do was wait, so that's exactly was he was committed to doing.
"If you were awake, I could tell you how pissed off I am," he whispered to you. "I know how you love a good argument."
Every time he spoke to you, he held onto a thread of hope that it would be the time that brought you back, and with each attempt he began to numb to the disappointment that followed. He felt helpless to do anything else, not understanding the monitors and medications they were giving you, so he thought that this was the only way he could contribute.
"If you were awake, I would punish you for insubordination," he scoffed. "You are so suspended, (Y/N)."
Bruce approached quietly and stood on the other side of your bed, taking notes on what he was seeing on your monitors and adjusting the fluids that were infusing into your veins. "Steve," he began, clearing his throat nervously, "she hasn't been sedated for the past three days, and nothing has changed. I'm going to test her brain function now, and I don't think you should be here."
Steve took a long breath and sat back in his chair with a stern look at the doctor. He crossed his arms over his chest and opened his mouth to reply, but instead glanced over his shoulder when he heard Tony and Thor enter the room.
"Coincidence?" he stood now, his arms still crossed, realizing that they weren't just stopping by for a visit. "What do you guys think I'm going to do?"
"Nothing, Cap," Tony said quietly. "You're not going to do anything."
"I'm not leaving."
"Steve, come on. What if I don't get the result you want?" Bruce asked, moving to the other side of your bed to stand next to him. "Be honest with me, and with yourself. What will it do to you if I tell you that she's gone and I start pulling the plug? Are you gonna come at me if I don't do what you want? You're sleep deprived, you're emotional, and I don't want you in here for her sake as much as my own."
"Your own?" Steve gave him a confused look, but it took only a few seconds for him to comprehend what Bruce was saying. "Oh, right. Yeah, I don't want that either."
"Bruce, turn around!" Tony gasped, watching you reach up and yank the breathing tube from your throat, coughing and struggling to catch your breath.
"Dammit!" Bruce pushed Steve aside and grabbed the oxygen mask, forcing air into you while you struggled to breathe. "Shhh, (Y/N), slow down, slow down. You're okay, we're right here." Steve tried to step up to your side but Bruce put his hand up and held him back. "Not yet. Give me room."
As your body began to relax and you started to breathe easier, Bruce's muscles relaxed with you, stroking your hair as he continued to hold the mask over your face. "You really can't follow orders, can you?" he chuckled quietly. "Can't just let me do my job..."
"You said...pull...the plug," you gasped. "Not...today...Banner."
~~~
Bruce was right; you were terrible at following orders. Not that you didn't already know that, but hitting the gym only two days after he released you from his care pretty much solidified it. It wasn't so much that you wanted to disobey the doctor, but sitting around just wasn't what you needed to feel like you were getting better. You needed to move, and to work, and to just feel any sense of normalcy again.
Steve stood just outside of the gym, watching you through the window with a stern look on his face. He only left you for one day to get back into form on a mission and he came back to find you working out. He didn't want to fight, he just wanted you to do what he said and follow his command. "Why is this so difficult," he mumbled, opening the door and stepping up behind you. When you didn't stop punching the bag and turn to face him, he reached out and yanked one of your earbuds out to get your attention.
You instinctively spun around and landed a firm kick to his chest, knocking him back onto the bench hard enough to break it beneath him as he landed. With a huff he stood and brushed himself off before stepping forward again with his hands held up in front of him.
"Steve, how dumb are you?" you scoffed, "I still have my reflexes, you know. Are you okay?"
"What are you doing?"
His voice was deep and low, giving you chills and a sense of uneasiness that you had never had with him before. His eyes were cold, though he wouldn't look at you. His entire demeanor had changed, and you knew this wasn't going to end well.
"Nothing too strenuous, I swear. This is all I've done. I couldn't just lay around anymore, and you of all people should understand that, Steve." He nodded in agreement, but still wouldn't look up at you.
"So, (Y/N), I've thought long and hard about this, and I think it would be best for you to take some time off. It might be good for us to not work together for a while, and you can take the time to recover properly." He waved his hand casually in front of him, "not like this."
You could feel your anger building, getting harder to keep it at bay as you unwrapped your hands. You focused on methodically unrolling the wraps away, keeping a slow and steady pace that matched your breathing. Once exposed, you saw your red and swollen knuckles and a slight tremble in your hands. Don't fight, you thought, don't fight.
"Okay, well, how long were you thinking I should take?" you said as calmly as possible.
"Indefinitely."
You could feel the heat rising up your chest, to your neck and into your face; you had to be bright red by now. You could hear your heartbeat pulsating in your ears, and your breath turned irregular. Keep it together. "Because? And please, don't spare my feelings here. Just say it, Steve."
"I can't trust you, (Y/N)."
"Because I tried to do my job despite your orders? In case you haven't been paying attention, Nat did the same thing only a few days before I did, and I don't see her sitting out."
"You almost died." His voice was getting louder each time he spoke, but his stance held firm. "I'm not going to let that happen again."
You finally turned to look at him, meeting his gaze for the first time since he arrived. He looked like a stranger to you, and you felt completely disconnected from him. "I can't keep apologizing for the same thing over and over."
"You don't have to. But I refuse to give you the opportunity to have to apologize for anything else."
Finally having enough, you stepped angrily up to your fiancé, boiling over at the audacity of the man to try to be so controlling. You poked him in the chest as you spoke, the force increasing with each word as your fury grew. "I don't think that's up to you, Steve. You're not the only person on this team, last time I checked."
He grabbed your hand and twisted it behind your back, holding you firmly in place, but you weren't going to fight back. You and Steve had gone through your share of arguments, but physicality was never a part of them, and you weren't about to start now.
"You were reckless, (Y/N). You weren't thinking about the risk. You weren't thinking about your own safety, the team, or me," he growled.
"Oh, please, Rogers! You're one to talk! How many times did you risk your life on your mission today? If I ask anyone else, what number will I get?" His expression grew angrier, still not releasing his grip. "Did you jump out of the jet today, or did you let Clint at least land it first?"
"I can't do this anymore," he snarled, releasing you with a small push away that made you stumble back, "it's too much. It's too hard." He stomped up the stairs towards the door, but turned back just as the door opened. "Why can't you just do what I tell you and stop arguing with me?"
"No, you mean fall in line behind you and hang on your every word, Steve. You mean like Peggy used to, don't you?" you spat venomously.
"Yes!"
"Oh, shit," you heard Tony whisper from the hallway.
Steve's face dropped when he realized what he had said, and he was suddenly desperate to apologize. "I didn't mean that, (Y/N). I didn't." He reached out to take your arm but you pulled back harshly, holding up your hand to keep him still as you passed him and cleared the door. "(Y/N), please, I'm sorry," he called after you as you walked from his sight, never slowing to look back.
"Cap..." Tony sighed, "this is bad."
"Thanks for clearing that up for me, Stark."
~~~
After Steve succeeded in destroying every punching bag he had in the gym and running the track until he wore the soles from his shoes, he decided it was time to face you and beg for forgiveness until you accepted it. He didn't believe what he had said; he didn't want you to be like Peggy. He wanted you to be you, because that's why he fell in love with you in the first place. He was attracted to your tenacity, your desire to do good no matter what the cost, and your willingness to love him back despite all of his flaws and his own penchant for recklessness. He was asking you to go against everything he admired about you, and only now did he see how wrong he had been.
He knew he couldn't take the words back, and as terrible as they were, he knew that he would do whatever it took to earn your forgiveness. He stood outside of your bedroom and rested his hand on the door, gathering his nerves and hoping that his words wouldn't fail him now that they meant more than ever before. He pushed the door open, but the room was dark, with only the moonlight illuminating it.
"(Y/N)?"
He switched the lights on and his heart sank. In the center of your bed was the small box that he had handed you only a few months before, when he had finally worked up the courage to ask you. He didn't need to open it to know what was inside, but seeing the ring made it real. You were gone.
Part 2
Hours after you left you finally took a minute to check your phone, expecting a call or a text from Steve, but you gasped when you saw 42 texts and 18 voicemails waiting for your attention. There was a part of you that wanted to answer every one of them and tell him it would be okay and that you wanted to work it out, but that part of you was small and crushed by the hurt and anger that held it down. You closed your eyes and sighed, laying the phone next to you for a time when you might feel stronger.
"How many?"
You grabbed the wine glass from Maria as she passed by and brought it to your lips immediately, finding comfort in the burn of the alcohol in your throat as you swallowed. You smiled weakly and wordlessly tossed the phone to her to see for herself as she sat down on the far end of the couch from you.
"Wow, seriously?" she whispered, shaking her head. "This is bad."
"Thanks, hadn't noticed," you scoffed, taking another drink from your glass. You watched as her thumb scrolled through the texts, wondering what she was seeing, but still not willing to acknowledge him. "Anything good in there?"
"The usual 'I'm sorry', 'I made a mistake'...oh! Here's 'I'm an idiot'! You might want to hang onto that one."
"If you happen to see 'I'm an ignorant bastard' anywhere in there, let me know."
Maria set the phone on the table next to her and leaned back against the soft cushions, pulling her legs up and holding her glass in front of her as she quietly studied you. After waiting for her to finally say something, anything, you couldn't take it anymore. As a fellow spy, you knew that she had a complete assessment and plan formulated about you and was now trying to decide how to enact it.
"What? You know I can't stand it when you stare at me like that."
She held her posture and squinted her eyes as she spoke, still watching you for even the slightest reaction or change in expression. "Do you still love him?"
That wasn't what you were expecting, but this was Maria Hill; she was never one to dance around the situation to get what she wanted. It was a valid question, given how you were arguing with Steve now more than ever, and how the day had ended with you asking to stay at her apartment rather than being in the tower and in your own bed. The bed you shared with your ex-fiancé. For just a moment, you wondered what his face looked like when he saw your ring and realized that you were gone. The tiny spiteful voice in your head said, 'good, that's what he gets', but the larger part of you felt terrible to put him through that. Yes, what he said was appalling, but you were being just as cruel.
"(Y/N)?"
~~~
Steve sat in the library at the tower, leaning forward on a desk with his chin resting on his folded arms. Two items sat before him on the dark wooden surface that held the entirety of his focus; his phone that was so silent that it was maddening, and the box that held a broken promise. This was the room where he gave it to you after watching you read for hours, smiling when you laughed and sighing quietly while he watched tears well in your eyes as you consumed the words on page after page. He reached for the phone again, but shook his head and pulled his hand away, instead rubbing the fatigue and frustration from his eyes.
"Nothing?"
Steve startled slightly, not expecting anyone to find him there, and certainly not Thor. "No, but I don't know why I would think she would call." He took a deep breath and leaned back in the chair, "I don't deserve her forgiveness."
"I doubt that to be true," the Asgardian said quietly as he pulled up a chair next to his teammate. "Nothing can be so terrible as to not be forgiven."
The Captain scoffed at this, still diligently watching his phone for any sign of life, "when you tell Jane that you wish she were more like one of your old girlfriends, then get back to me on that."
The shift in Thor's body language was clear as he imagined it, contemplating for a moment before leaning on the table with his hands clasped together. He nodded to himself as he was deep in thought, Steve watching silently and waiting for his friend's advice. "It would seem that there is only one thing that you must decide."
"What's that?"
"Do you still love her?"
Steve's eyes averted to the floor but he was looking within his own mind. You frustrated him to no end, and it was so hard to keep fighting with you, but god he missed you and it had only been a matter of hours since you left. He allowed himself a small smile when he replayed past arguments with you, always ending with a heated and passionate apology, but his chest ached when he realized that this time was different and that you might not recover from it. He meant what he said when it was too hard to go on the way you were, but did that mean it was the only way things would ever be?
"Steve?"
~~~
The next morning you woke to your phone ringing, stopping, and ringing again. There was no way it was Steve being that annoying, so you rolled over with a loud groan and grabbed it from the bedside table. You had to squint to bring your tired eyes into focus, but you were quickly fully awake when you recognized Fury's name on your screen.
"Hello. Sorry, I was asleep."
"We need you. Maria is ready to bring you to the tower to meet up with the team in 10."
"Nick, I don't think-"
"We need your skill set on this one, (Y/N), so suit up and be a damn professional, alright?"
You squeezed your eyes shut and flopped back onto the pillow in defeat. "Yes, sir."
Reluctantly pulling yourself to your feet, you allowed yourself a moment to stretch and clear your mind. You sighed and dressed in your uniform hastily, grabbing your gear and boots as you ran out the door.
When you arrived at the tower your heart began to race but you did your best to ignore it; your palms felt sweaty and cold and your breathing felt tight. He was going to be there. Be professional. When you entered the hangar he was the first person you saw, as luck would have it, talking with Tony and Nat about the plan of attack. Just follow orders and get the job done.
"So, what have we got?" You stood next to Tony and grabbed the tablet from Steve's hand, doing your best to not let him see the tremor in them. "What's the plan, Captain?"
Steve's posture straightened at your formality, taking your lead to keep this a professional interaction and to put his emotions to the side. Your demeanor impressed him, though he would never tell you that with the way that things were. He moved across the space between you to stand at your back, reaching his arm over to point at the screen. It didn't escape your attention when Nat and Tony exchanged guarded looks.
"Okay," Steve began, "we've got Tony and Clint clearing a perimeter for you and Nat to go in stealth from the back. The cargo we need to retrieve is three levels down, likely guarded pretty heavily. I'm bringing Thor in through the front once we get your signal that you two have disabled the security and weapons systems." He took a deep breath and paused at the smell of your shampoo filling his senses. It wasn't your normal scent and he wondered where you had stayed for the night. "Alright," he breathed, bringing himself back to the moment, "quick smash and grab job. Questions?"
"You're calling it, Cap," you agreed, fastening your weapons as you took your seat on the jet.
~~~
Well, no can say you didn't try.
"(Y/N), you need to calm down. You're gonna pass out if you don't slow down." Tony knelt in front of you with his hands on your knees, holding an ice pack on your head as you bent over in your seat on the jet. You were hyperventilating and everything was beginning to spin. He stood and stuck his head out of the back door, looking for anyone who could help; this wasn't his area of expertise, dealing with feelings.
In the distance he saw Natasha with Steve, her hands up to calm him as she spoke and he paced angrily in front of her, spitting his words out too fast to make out what he was saying. She seemed to be having about as much luck as he was here with you.
"Great," he whispered, realizing that he was on his own until either Steve pulled it together or until the rest of the team finished the mission. He moved back to you and knelt down again, "(Y/N), think about anything else, okay?"
You nodded, doing your best to get yourself under control; you really did give it an honest effort but still failed at getting the events of the past few minutes out of your head.
"I told Fury this was a bad idea!"
"So did I!"
"Then why the hell are you here? We could have handled this without-"
"Without me? Thanks, Steve. What a relief that I'm no longer needed. Huge."
"I'm glad I could help!"
"Oh, screw you, Rogers! Oh, wait, I guess I'm not your type!"
You stepped back when he charged forward, his eyes blazing with anger and his muscles tensed. "Don't go there, (Y/N)," he said with a cold and harsh tone. "Don't do that."
"You went there first, Steve. I'm just making it clear for everyone that they're no more than a cheap substitution for your precious Peggy!"
It was the first time he had ever physically lashed out at you, pushing you backwards with both hands against your shoulders. He didn't weaken his force of strength, slamming you into the side of the jet. You landed on your feet and crouched down, feeling animalistic in your desire to take him down. Clint was closest to you and put his hand on your arm, but you swatted it away and charged forward, kicking Steve's knee backwards with enough force to knock him to the ground.
"Hey, guys, stop!" Clint and Tony grabbed you just before you could get your arm wrapped around Steve's throat. Thor held Steve to the ground as the men pulled you into the jet, full of rage and beginning to breathe faster and faster until you couldn't stop.
~~~
A week later, Steve found himself sitting at her bedside, looking out the window as she slept and lulled him with a quiet snore. Her silver hair was neatly brushed and flowed in waves over her frail shoulders. He didn't know what he was expecting to happen during the visit, but he knew that it had to happen to get his head right. This was his past, and it was destroying his future.
"Steve?"
He turned with a start as the sound of her voice; it was the same voice but with a sadness and an aged quality to it. To him, she sounded exactly as he remembered her in her youth. "Hey, Peg. I'm sorry to bother you."
"Never a bother, Steve. I don't get much for visitors, anymore." She paused and regarded him for a moment, raising her hand to his chin to make him look at her. "What is it? What's happened?"
"I'm lost," he sighed, taking her hand in his. "I need your help."
She listened intently as he told her about you, smiling with him when his eyes brightened at his happy memories, and feeling tears in her own eyes as she watched him cry. "What do I do? Please, just tell me and I'll do it."
"My darling, sometimes all we can do is start over," she whispered.
~~~
"Hey, Maria? This can't be right, can it?" You stood in her kitchen and counted the empty wine bottles lining the shelf. "Did we really drink this much last night?"
"Oh my god, you have to shut up," Maria groaned, her head buried in a pillow with a large blanket guarding her from the sunlight glaring in thru the windows. "Why are you being so loud?"
"Okay, so maybe we did," you chuckled quietly, gathering them up to take them out.
"Your stupid phone is ringing. Please make it stop."
You laughed and grabbed it from the table, shaking your head at how differently you reacted to alcohol and feeling just a bit bad for her. "Calm down, I've got it," you whispered. "Go back to sleep."
It was Tony. You sighed, contemplating if you really wanted to talk to him or not. It would be the first time since that day on the jet, and you had anticipated a good lecture by now. "Hey, what's up?" you whispered, stepping out into the hallway as to not disturb Maria.
"You need to come in right now."
You took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, "Tony, I don't think I should."
"(Y/N). You need to get here as fast as you can." His tone was anxious and you could hear the shaking in his voice. Something was very wrong.
"I'll be there in 10." You ran back into the apartment to throw on mismatched shoes and grab your keys, not even taking the few seconds needed to explain to Maria where you were going.
~~~
His stillness was unsettling. Your stomach was in knots and the nausea was almost overwhelming as you stared at him. You put your hand on his chest and felt a small sense of relief to feel his heartbeat still fighting to continue. You sucked in a shaky breath, tears finally building in your eyes as you exhaled; you had yet to cry over Steve, but this was too much. This was too real. He was supposed to be infallible, not lying in front of you, motionless and pale, fighting to stay alive after a mission that was supposed to be easy but gone horribly wrong.
You turned to walk away but Tony was right behind you, blocking your escape.
"Where do you think you're going?"
"I...I can't do this, Tony," you gasped between sobs. "I...can't."
He grabbed your shoulders and spun you around harshly so that you were facing the pain straight on. "You can, and you will. Do you hear me?" He pulled you back to rest against his chest and wrapped his arms gently around you. "He did this for you when you were on that table, so don't you dare leave him now."
~~~
On day 3, his right hand twitched. On day 5, he squeezed your hand. On day 6, he was breathing on his own. On day 8, he was awake.
Today, on day 12, he was being released from the doctor's care, and you felt as terrified as you had been on day 1. You weren't scared of the rest of his recovery or even the idea of him being injured again; you were scared of not knowing how you would play a part in each other's lives after this, and even more terrified to ask.
"How do you feel?" you asked quietly, standing behind him to help him change out of his hospital gown and into normal clothes. You weren't sure if you could stand within his line of sight without breaking down again. "Don't rush this, okay?"
"I'm good, I think," he slid his shirt down over his chest and held up his arms in front of him, shaking his head at what he saw. "Would you look at that? Two weeks and you can tell I haven't been working."
"I think your excuse was pretty legitimate."
"I need to get to the gym."
You paused, realizing now how he felt that day when he found you disobeying Bruce's orders and working out far too soon. "Just be smarter about it than I was. Shouldn't be too hard to do."
Steve slid slowly from the gurney and onto his feet, testing his legs and getting his balance. You quickly walked around the bed to stand in front, keeping your hands on his arms to help steady him. "You okay?"
After a moment without an answer, you looked up to see him watching you. His eyes were sad and you could see he was on the verge of crying at the sight of you so close to him. "Steve? You okay?"
"No."
He put his arms around your waist and lowered himself to his knees, pulling you in to rest his head against your stomach as his resolve to hold it together finally broke. "(Y/N), I'm so sorry. For everything. You were right, you were so right about all of it. Please forgive me, I can't do this without you. Please."
"Steve..."
"Please. I'll do anything to make this right."
You pulled his arms away enough to lower yourself down to him, taking his face in your hands. "I'm sorry too. For not understanding what I was doing to you. I know I don't deserve it, but can you forgive me?"
Natasha rested her head against Tony's shoulder, watching the scene play out through the window as Steve finally kissed you. "You think it's gonna stick?" she asked.
"I do," he replied without hesitation.
"Why? What are you seeing in there?"
"Starting over."