Getting out of the tower unnoticed was going to be a bit of a challenge. Between FRIDAY being a snitch that you couldn't reprogram, and Tony never sleeping, there was always someone on the lookout. But you were determined and you were just going to have to take your chances.
As you threw your clothes into your suitcase, the memories of the mission earlier that day kept playing over and over in your head like a bad movie. It was the most violent and bloody mission that you had been on as an Avenger, and no one came home without battle scars. You weren't sure how you would survive with these images inside of you, seeing the lifeless bodies of all ages surrounding you, unable to stop it from happening, but you knew that being here would make it that much harder. Living in the tower would make it a daily reminder of what you had been a part of.
"FRIDAY?"
"Yes, miss?"
"I'm going to ask you to keep this a secret, okay? I'm leaving the tower, and I don't want anyone to know where I'm going. I know that Tony can get the information out of you, but please don't give this away. Help me to not be found."
"I will do my best, miss. Travel safely."
You grabbed your bag and slung it over your shoulder, throwing your passport and plane tickets inside. With one last look at your room and at the city lights glowing outside of your window, you let out a shaky sigh and pulled your suitcase behind you, making your final exit from the tower and from your team.
~~~
"Okay, so let me get this straight," Steve said, his fingers squeezing the bridge of his nose, his eyes tightly shut in frustration, "she managed to just walk out of here without anyone knowing, and FRIDAY has no information or visual on it? This place is under constant surveillance, and she just walked out the front door?"
"Yeah," Tony sighed. "I can't get FRIDAY to crack. She must have found a way to block her or something." He kept trying to enter commands into the computer, trying to break into the AI, but the screen would only flash in errors and restricted access. Tony was beginning to get more and more frustrated, his tapping on the keys growing louder until he finally snapped and threw the board on the ground.
"Dammit, this is my system! How the hell did she get my own program to lock me out?"
"She doesn't want to be found," Wanda whispered, sitting at the edge of the room and away from the frantic action around her. "Don't you see that? If that's what she wants, then she won't be."
Natasha looked up from her phone at Wanda's words, unable to accept that as an answer. "Wanda, we're her best friends. How could she not tell us where she was going? How could she not think that we would be looking for her?"
Wanda stood and joined the team around the conference table, glancing at the work that each person had done. The screens were filled with your personal information, locations of family members, last known sightings, and anywhere that you had travelled in your lifetime. It was impressive how much information they had gathered in only a few hours time.
"She does know. That's why you are failing."
~~~
It was strange to feel yourself within civilian life again; small things that you had taken for granted were more important to you now than ever. Sitting in the small coffee shop in the middle of nowhere was the most peace that you had experienced in years. It was wonderful and it recharged you in your quest for normalcy. Holding a cup of coffee without the sounds of FRIDAY talking to Tony in the background, looking out the window and not seeing the quinjet waiting for a mission, and eating a meal alone without counting every damn calorie allowed under Steve's training regimen were all you had hoped they would be.
But you missed Steve, perhaps the most of all. You missed Tony and Bruce bickering in the lab. God, you missed Wanda and Nat, and the way they would be able to understand you right now, and how they would support your decision because they cared about you.
"Maybe I'm mistaken," came a voice that shocked you to your core, "but not so long ago there was a time when you begged me to let you be a part of the very thing you are now running from. What the hell is that about, (Y/N)?"
Jolted from your thoughts, you coughed as you choked on your coffee when Fury's hand slapped down on your shoulder and held you in place. "Fuck," you mumbled, "how? How and why are you here, Nick?"
"You think I don't know when one of my team goes missing?" He raised his hand to signal the waitress as he sat across from you and leaned back against the booth. You felt his feet reach under the table and his legs ensnare one of yours, holding you back from trying to run.
"Really? Afraid I'm gonna get away?"
"I would be a fool to underestimate you, (Y/N)."
"Please, underestimate me and move your damn feet." You mimicked his posture and leaned back, crossing your arms over your chest to demonstrate your resolve to keep your distance. "You can't keep me here against my will. You're not the director of me."
He smiled and laughed quietly, grabbing your coffee and taking long drink, "I'm not the director of anybody. And I'm not going to keep you here against your will, but I do want to offer you another option."
"Nick, I've already made up my-"
"Hear me out." The waitress approached and he held up your cup for her to bring another. "Rather than closing this door completely, I would like you to open a different one. There's somewhere that I'd like to take you, if you'll let me."
~~~
"We've been at this for hours. Maybe Maximoff is right, we're not gonna find her." Steve had been up all night and now it was well into the following day. His hair was disheveled and his body was showing his fatigue; he crossed his arms on the table in front of him and buried his face in them. "Maybe she's never coming back. I'm never going to see her again, am I?"
Natasha jostled awake with a start, shaking her head as she brought herself back to the moment. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes, trying to talk through a yawn that she couldn't hold back, "Cap, we need to take a break. I can't see straight."
"How the hell does Stark do this?" he said with a yawn that followed hers. "The man never sleeps."
"Wait," Nat said, straightening in her chair, "what did you say?"
"That the man never sleeps."
"No, before that."
He lifted his head from the table and looked at her, confused and trying to replay the conversation in his mind. "I don't know? She's never coming back?"
"That's it," she slapped her hand on the table, "you said that you would never see her again." He tried to look away, but she moved herself to stay in his line of sight.
"Steve..."
"Yeah," he sighed, too tired to put up a fight and knowing that he would never be able to lie to her now. "Yeah, maybe if she knew..."
"Steve, look at me."
He closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair, sighing and slowly opening them to look at her and hear things he likely didn't want to hear. He wanted to focus on finding you, not to sit here and talk about his misguided feelings. "What, Nat?"
"I tried so many times, but she refused to tell you that she felt the same." She stood up and gathered up the work that was spread across the table, looking as if she had been struck by a wave of energy. "Dammit, Steve, we have to find her. It's time to get serious."
"Ugh," he groaned, "what the hell have we been doing all this time?"
~~~
You had been on a jet with Nick for two hours and not a word had been spoken since you left. He had assigned you to a seat in the back, where you couldn't see coordinates or scenery, determined to keep your destination a secret from you in the event that you didn't choose to stay. The longer that you were in the air, the more anxious you were becoming, and the more you just wanted to be alone.
"They're getting closer to finding you. You know that?"
"Is that why you're taking me to wherever this is? To keep them off my trail? Cuz I've gotta be honest, Nick, it feels like you're just finding a way to keep me within your reach no matter what's best for me."
Before he could answer, your phone buzzed in your pocket. You pulled it out and turned it over to see who was texting you, when this was a new phone and no one had been given your number. "Oh, come on," you groaned when you recognized who it was.
Please come home.
"How, Nick?" You turned your phone for him to see, but he only laughed at the sight of Tony's text. "This isn't funny." You sat quietly, staring at the words and debating whether or not to reply. If they had the number, they could track you, so you might as well give them the satisfaction of knowing you were alive, if nothing else.
I can't.
Are you okay??? I can't believe you answered me. We're worried.
I'm fine. Please let me go.
I can't. Cap's a mess.
"Hey, we're here."
You stood and tossed your phone on the floor, smashing it with the heel of your boot. Steve had to be pissed. You left without so much as a goodbye, and you felt that you owed him at least that much. This time away would be good for you, and a good way to let your feelings for him go. But why was he a mess? Pissed, sure; but was there more to it? Certainly he didn't feel the same way, right? If he did, he sure was a master at hiding it.
"Alright, (Y/N), this might come as a shock, and I want you to keep it together? You got that?"
"No problem."
"Yeah, we'll see," Nick mumbled, reaching out to set his hand on the fingerprint reader, pausing to allow it to give him clearance. The door slid open and the sight in front of you was a shock. You thought that SHIELD had fallen, but the large and looming symbol adorned the wall ahead. Underneath it was the biggest shock of all.
"Welcome to the new HQ, (Y/N)."
"Thanks, Phil," you whispered. "You look great for a dead guy."
Part 2
"Thanks. You look...well, you always look great too, (Y/N)," Phil replied, nervously looking down at the files in his hands and turning away from you to head into the building. You followed closely behind with Fury in tow.
"So why did you two bring me here, Phil? Are you gonna gang up on me to get me to change my mind? Because that may not end well for everyone."
Coulson continued to walk, not turning to look at you as he replied, "we're not going to gang up on you, (Y/N). But don't close yourself off from changing your mind. I might have something that will make you see things differently." He stopped to hold a door open for you, waving you inside, but looking at Fury to continue on to allow you both privacy. He sat in a chair at the farthest point across the table from you, making it clear that he wanted his distance.
"Okay, so what happened, (Y/N)? Fury placed you with the Avengers team so that you would find a life beyond SHIELD...beyond you and me. I thought you understood that."
"Yes, Phil, I understood that, but things change," you said as you leaned forward, trying to close the gap between you, if only by a few inches. "Things happen that are just too much to shake off; experiences that change you as a person. I would imagine that you now know that better than just about anyone, am I right?"
He didn't answer you. He kept his eyes averted, looking at his hands that were nervously fumbling with the end of his tie.
"When you died," you scoffed, "I didn't think I had anything left to offer, but the team really did save me from myself. I was a wreck, and I was out of control."
Coulson cleared his throat and only glanced at you for a moment before looking away again, "I'm sorry. I couldn't come back for you without risking that the team would find out. They can't know that I'm alive, (Y/N)."
"But I can?"
"If it helps you to make a decision to go back, then yes."
You leaned back firmly against the chair, looking at him with apprehension in your eyes. "Look at me, Phil."
He finally looked up, and the sadness in his eyes brought a pain in your chest at the memory of who he used to be to you, and the promise of a future that was no longer an option. You knew that he was thinking the same, and you could see that he was waiting for the first opportunity to look away.
"Why is this so important to you that I go back?"
"Because now their entire focus is on finding you, and we can't afford for them to be distracted from what's coming."
~~~
Tony slammed his hands on the table, again frustrated that you were staying one step ahead of him with his own devices. "Well, I've lost her signal again. She must have destroyed her phone."
"I've called in everyone that I can think of, and no one has seen her," Natasha sighed, "we've taught her too well."
"You mean you've taught her too well," Steve groaned. "I can't believe you had her, Tony."
"Yeah, well I'll get her again." Tony furrowed his brow as he worked, his fingers furiously dancing over the keys. He paused with a low growl, finally turning away from the screen that had held his attention for hours. "That's it, I need a drink."
~~~
As you lay back on the table, you looked around at the small group of people surrounding you. Fury and Phil were there, but you didn't recognize any of the others. "Phil, I'm not gonna lie, I'm feeling a little nervous."
"I know, but we've made huge progress in this. We've learned how to isolate memories and remove only the ones that are necessary." You felt Coulson's hand take yours, and it gave you a small sense of comfort to have the contact with him again. "If I get any sign or feeling that there's a problem, I'm pulling you out, don't worry."
"I trust you."
Phil nodded and looked to his companions, stepping back from you but holding your gaze. When the machine around you began to hum and the table pulled you in, you closed your eyes and did your best to stay calm. If this worked, the nightmares that assaulted your sleep every night would stop. The sights of innocent people dying at your own hands would be gone, and you could return to your team. Phil had said that they were going to need you, and that something big was coming; you had to put yourself aside to be there.
"How do we look?" Phil asked, anxiously watching the monitors around you.
"Good," said the blonde woman as she changed a few settings on her tablet. "We should be done soon."
Before beginning you had set your belongings on one of the tables, including a new phone that Fury had given you only a few hours before. It began to vibrate incessantly, catching Phil's attention. He stepped to the table to grab it and took a deep breath when he saw the number at the other end of the line. "Fury," he whispered, "is this Rogers?"
Nick took the phone and nodded, handing it back. "Stall him."
Please don't break your phone this time. We just want to know that you're okay.
Coulson looked back at you, pausing to decide if she should really answer for you or ignore it. So much of him wanted to ask you to stay there with him; even though he had a great team there, he was lonely. He wouldn't admit it to you, but he missed you every day. But, he was the one who convinced you to do this so that you could go back to the Avengers, and he knew that you had to follow through.
I'm fine, he typed hesitantly. It felt wrong to be speaking for you.
Will you come back?
Phil sighed deeply and shook his head, regretting having ever picked up your phone. I'll know soon.
I'm worried about you, (Y/N). I miss you. I might be risking the chance that you'll ever come back, but you need to know how much I care about you while I have the chance and before you smash another phone.
He dropped the phone and walked back over to you, seeing that you were about to come out of the machine. There was no way in hell that he was going to enter this conversation with Steve, but now he had to know how you felt. If you felt the same way towards the Captain, then it would make it that much easier to finally say goodbye.
~~~
Steve sat alone in his room in the darkness, watching the city go on just outside his window. For him, his life was in a state of pause until he knew one way or another if you were coming back or not. He didn't like sitting here in limbo, not knowing. He was a man of action and getting results, not waiting for things to happen around him.
It worried him that you never replied to his final message. He was sure that he had said too much and ruined any chance of your return. He absentmindedly turned the phone in his hands, wondering if he should try to reach out again.
"Rogers?"
"What do you want, Stark?" he groaned, hoping to get the man on the other side of his door to leave him alone.
"Um, there's someone here to see you. Sounds pretty important."
Steve sighed and stood to walk across the room, resting his hand on the door for a moment before he willed himself to finally open it. He stumbled back a few steps at the sight of you, glancing at Tony then back to you in disbelief. "Where the hell have you been?"
"Clearing my mind," you replied, looking back at Tony as he excused himself to allow you some privacy. "I'm sorry I didn't answer your last message. I was...I wasn't sure what to say. But I do have an answer for you now."
He didn't move.
"Steve, listen," you began, "I had a rough time and needed to get my head right. It wasn't about you, it wasn't about the team, it was about me. I'm sorry about how I handled it, and if I had it to do over, I...well, I would do it better. I'm sorry if I hurt you, I didn't mean to. I didn't know."
"And now that you do?" he asked, taking a few steps forward to close the gap between you. "Now that you know?"
You reached out to take his hand, but you were interrupted when both his and your own phones began to buzz repeatedly. "Great, I guess this will have to wait. Again," you huffed, quickly reading the message and throwing your phone back into your bag. "I've never heard of Sokovia. Have you?"