"If you had a heart, I was hoping that you would've showed it some."
- Nicki Minaj
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Dawn
Let me tell you why I love him
Cause he is the truth
Said he is so real
And I love the way that he makes me feel
And if I am a reflection of him then I must be fly cause his light
it shines so bright
I wouldn't lie
I had just put Aidan down in his crib when Indie Arie started to play. "And I know that it's God's gift to breathe the air he breathes." I couldn't help but sing every word she sung.
The song had so many levels. It wasn't just about a man but three generations. I looked down to see Kieran knocked out also. I tried my best to come up with different names but for some reason the two the nurse suggested just stuck with me. It's been a month but it felt like I just had them yesterday.
"Go get some sleep Dawn. I will wake you for their next feeding." I smiled.
"Mama I can wait a little while longer before-" I stopped talking when she gave me a scolding look.
I nodded and left the nursery. My body was sore and I was exhausted. The twins were very easy. I'm not sure if it was because I stressed so much during my pregnancy or not. The only time they cried was when I took too long to feed them or they pooped. Other than that they were pretty content and quiet babies.
I stared in the mirror. I had lost most of my baby weight in the two weeks since giving birth. I guess some of it was because I was too tired to eat a full meal. I got in bed and almost dozed off immediately but heard Aidan cry. It was crazy that I could distinguish their cries.
The door bell rung which made me get up. There was no way possible mama could change him and get the door. I walked down stairs and slowly made my way to the door. Without looking out of the peep hole I opened the door.
"Oh Dawn. I didn't know you were here. Is your mother here?"
"Uh. Who are you?"
"Dr. Vincent. I came to talk to her about something." I nodded my head and allowed him to step in before closing the door.
I walked to the living room. "Have a seat and I will get her. One second please."
I walked back upstairs to the nursery where my mom had just put Aidan back in his crib. Kieran started to fuss a little which meant now it was his time to get changed.
"Dawn I thought I told you I have it. Go get some sleep." She huffed.
I laughed a little. "Well I was but the doorbell rung. A Dr. Vincent is here for you." I told her and picked up Kieran.
I walked over to the changing table and started to change him. She shook her head at me and smiled.
"You just so hardheaded. Did he say what he want?" I shook my head 'no' and placed Kieran back in his onsie.
"It's already time for them to eat again." I sighed and placed him in my arms.
"You sure you don't want to try the bottle? It's taking a toll on your body Dawn. It won't make you a bad mother."
"Maaa! I'm not going to give them formula or a bottle. Just not yet." She picked up Aidan and we both went downstairs.
She went into the living room while I went into the kitchen to grab myself some water beforehand. Feeding both of them is time consuming. I don't see how a woman can breast feed one and I have two. Sometimes I feel like they are not getting enough.
"Mrs. Sanders how have you been?" Dr. Vincent asked her as I walked back in.
"Fine and yourself." I situated Kieran.
My mother got up and gave me Aidan so that they both could eat at the same time. She placed a blanket over my chest so that they could have privacy and so as myself.
"Good. So.." He cleared his throat.
"It's fine Vincent. She had to know one day or another. Why not now?" I was confused by her statement.
"Alright. Well Anthony is doing very well now with treatment and want to be released."
Hearing Anthony's name made me mad. I should be mad that my mother still associates with him but I have to remember that she sees Anthony as a son. Am I selfish to want her to not view him in that manner and take my side in the situation.
"I thought he was not forced to stay?" My mother asked.
"He wasn't. To this day he can leave as he will but he hasn't. He feels that he needs permission to. For many of our patients-"
"Wait what are we talking about? Treatment? Release? Patients?" I interrupted him.
"Anthony checked himself into a mental retreat Dawn. He felt like he was a danger to himself and others. Mostly you and the babies." My mother informed me.
"So this whole time he's been at a mental retreat?" I asked.
Both Dr. Vincent and my mother nodded their heads in agreement. I bit on my bottom lip trying to take in what I was told.
"For what though?"
"I can't tell you that. I am here to tell you that in order for Anthony to finish his treatment and get back out in the world as a man and father. He's going to need for his family to show up at his last therapy session."
I shook my head. "No thank you."
"Dawn I know that this road hasn't been easy for you at all. This will also give you the answers you need and even closure if that's what you seek."
"I don't want to see him. I'm doing just fine. He can do without me."
"Just think about it Dawn. If you do it would help if you bring the twins along also." I smacked my teeth.
"I never thought I would say this but fuck Anthony. I'm tired of caring about him and his needs." Kieran detached from my nipple. My mom got up and took him from me and started to burp him.
I was beyond angry right now. He has the nerve to come in here talking about what Anthony need. Screw his needs as of now. I have my own needs and wants that must be met. I'm sick of doing for others and mainly him. I got two babies to take care of and myself. I'm just done.
"Dawn he needs you to-"
"Where the hell was he when I needed him? No where huh? Fuck out of here." I got up and took Kieran back from my mother.
"You should hear him out Dawn." My mother stated as I left the living room.
I walked upstairs with the boys and went into my room to burp them both. I couldn't help the tears that were falling from my eyes. All that matters right now is my boys. Anthony will have to find a way to deal with his problems alone. I've tried to be there and now I'm done.
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Anthony
I walked into Dr. Vincent's office for my one on one session of the week. He had this look of defeat on his face which had me worried.
"I guess by the look on your face she said no." I spoke and took a seat.
"Ms. Sanders said she would talk to her but as of now it seems like a dead end." I nodded my head.
"I expected that. I've put her through a lot."
"Let's talk about that. All I head about is how Dawn has been there for you. Tell me how you've been there for her."
I licked my lips and tried to think about the times I've been there for her. To be honest I really haven't which is fucked up on my behalf. I never really took the time to see that my problems could cause so much hurt to her.
"I haven't."
"Not at all? What about with her pregnancy?"
"I mean I cooked and went to the appointments but that's not my definition of being there for her. I wasn't there for her emotionally, physically, and mentally. I didn't give her the support she needed and love." I confessed.
"Why not?"
I shrugged. "I guess I was too tied up in my own problems and selfishness to care."
"I'm not trying to hear that Anthony. Give me the full run down." Vincent took out two bottles of water and passed me one.
"What you mean by the full run down?"
"Anthony. You've told me time after time that Dawn was the one for you. True love. The woman you wanted to marry. Am I right?" I nodded my head. "So what held you back from giving her your all in return to the all she gave you?"
"When I first got out of jail my main focus was getting revenge an next was her. I wanted to hurt all of those who hurt me and take back all that was mines-"
"We've been over that Anthony. I guess I should say it in this way. Who was the one who you gave your all to that messed it up for the many after?"
"Man no one. The hell are you talking about?" I was becoming frustrated.
"See you do this every time we try to get to the bottom of your problems. Anthony your problems where Dawn is concerned has nothing to do with your bipolar disorder. Until you can see that and understand there is no chance of you and Dawn ever having something real."
"Well I guess we won't have a chance because I never gave my all to anyone." I mumbled.
"Who was she Anthony? Maria? Londyn, Kellena, or China?" I mugged the hell out of him.
"Why we bringing this shit up?"
"Because until you face the truth you will never be able to fully be in a healthy relationship. So which one of them did it."
"Neither." I chuckled.
"Anthony this session is going no-"
"Alecia."
"Who?"
"You heard me. Her name was Alecia."
"You've never discussed a Alecia. Who is she?"
"Although it sound crazy but me and Alecia was together around the same time I was with Maria and also Kellena. She went to another school and live on a different side of town. It took me almost five months just to get her to go on a date with me." I laughed.
Alecia was a hard catch. I meant that she was going to be mines and I did everything in my power to make that possible. Everything I gave was not enough in the end.
"So what happened?"
"Alecia and I got close and I mean real close. I was ready to give up everything and everyone I was seeing to make things official. I actually saw a future with her. So I started to do right by breaking things off slowly with the other females I was involved with. She found out I was cheating and broke things off but that was after she cheated on me out of revenge. I remember that day because the way her voice cracked and the hurt in her eyes haunt me to this day. When I look back at everything she gave me and did for me I can see the true love she had. Everything was unconditional and real but I treated it like a game."
"Okay. How did that change your view on things?"
"I had already fallen in love with her so to see the hurt I caused and feel the hurt of her cheating put me in the place I am now. Then I moved on to China who aborted my baby and Kellena who got me locked up, took my all, and had a baby by another nigga. Why give my all when the end result is being hurt in the end?"
"You think Dawn will hurt you in the end? How so?"
I bit my lip and tried to find a answer but not one came to my mind. Dawn has never tried to hurt me and that was something I was just realizing.
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| Happy Thanksgiving!
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| I did not proof read. Enjoy!
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A'shayela