The cold airalmost shock freezes my face and possibly all the other parts of mybody. As I open the door of the hotel and step outside, onto thepavement. Nobody is on the street. They're probably all at thiscarnival. I amso cold that only now I realise maybe I should have put on a bra. Iturn my head and squint my eyes, trying to find a figure standing inthe dark. But there is no one there. I even walk further down, stillseeing nothing but darkness and street lights. My head rotates and Icatch a glimpse of a lit up restaurant. Crossing the street, I walktowards it and try to look inside. The windows are all fogged up, soI open the door and a bell resounds. The waitress behind the counterlooks up and smiles. I wave a little and let my eyes wander over thetables and chairs. It's a small diner, less than ten tables standingaround in order and everything is kept in red and silver. My stomachrumbles, as I stare at the cakes, displayed on the counter. But then,I detect someone sitting at the last table, in the corner, backturned towards me. I walk down the aisle, still keeping up with thecakes on the right in the corner of my eye and then, recognising thecoat. Collar up. Almost burying all of his head in it. I carefullyslip into the booth and sit down, across from him.
I stare at himfor a couple of seconds. Observing the way his hands are clenchingthe used coffee cup. He doesn't look at me once, so I clear mythroat. Still, no reaction. His stare is fixated on the liquid in hiscup. I'm afraid to disrupt his thoughts. Maybe, I shouldn't have goneafter him. He just poured his heart out in front of me and heprobably wants some time alone. Just with his thoughts.
My hands are socold, they feel numb as I rub them together.
The waitressappears next to me and asks, if I would like something to drink oreat. I just shake my head, even though I would really like one ofthose cakes. But maybe Downey will get up and just leave, so I'llhave to eat the cake alone. And you really don't want to be thatperson, who sits alone in a diner at half past eleven, eating agigantic chocolate cake all alone. In a foreign city.
I don't evenhave any money on me, I realise. So I just continue to eye the cakesand Downey at the same time. The restaurant doesn't have any musicplaying in the background. So we just sit there in utter silence. Nocar passing by. No people on the street. You could almost think we'rein a movie, because everything feels so dramatic. An Adele song inthe background would be really convenient now. And maybe some tears.But nobody is up for them. Maybe the waitress. She's probably anactress. Most of the waitresses are actresses, so I could give it atr-
"You seemcold." His voice rips me out of my directing dreams and I turn tohim.
"How'd youfigure?" I ask and he points his head towards my chest.
"You're notwearing a bra."
I shake myhead. "You haven't said a word to me, yet you still manage to stareat my breasts. Way to go, Professor."
The sarcasmraises a weak smile. "You're constantly rubbing your handstogether. I was just kidding."
"Yeah, I'mnot sure you were." I reply and narrow my eyes.
"Me neither."
His answermakes me laugh and I catch his glance. He sighs and then raises ahand.
"Can we getanother coffee?" He asks the waitress and then looks at me again."And one of these chocolate cakes."
I can't helpbut grin and he turns towards me again.
"It took me ayear to find out." He starts and I lean back, prepared for what wascoming. "Isn't it odd that all this time, you considered yourself acommitted husband and never forgot a birthday or an anniversary andthen you didn't notice your wife has been cheating on you for over ayear."
"They didn'teven deny it. They were just like 'This has been happening for over ayear. Deal with it'. And the thing that bugs me the most is that shenever even apologised. The only thing she said was that she meant totell me. Tell me when? After we've had children? I mean, there isnever a right moment to tell someone that you've broken the mostimportant promise. I mean it is the only thing you really have toavoid in a marriage. Make sure not to fuck another person, besidesyour significant other. I managed to do it." He continues to stareinto the coffee cup. Downey seems to be very angry at this cup."Everything went down from there. It was right after the divorcehad been finalised and she had been making passes at me for over acouple of months. So I just went with it. We didn't even havesomething serious. It just went on for three weeks or so and then itgot out. Kurt immediately dismissed me from the faculty and made sureno other university around would hire me. Then John heard about theprogram at your school and made sure my publicist would get me in.They were thrilled. Apparently, no other school had heard about whathappened in New York, so I went for it. You've actually already metJoanna, my publicist."
I raise aneyebrow and he grins. "She greeted you at the door, in underwear.Remember? You weren't so happy about that, as I recall."
"You mean theVictoria Secret model?" I wonder and Downey laughs.
"She is inpretty good shape yes. We went out a couple of times, until she toldme that we would never happen. So she became my publicist."
"She'sextremely hot. I mean, she looks like all of the Victoria SecretAngels have created a child." I say and get another chuckle.
"So yes, andthen I met you." He finishes and I can't help but avoid his gaze."And then everything got more complicated. Thanks for that."
I cock aneyebrow. "Excuse me? You were the one who made a pass at me."
"You provokedit. And as I recall, you've been having the hots for me from thesecond you laid eyes on me."
"Slow downthere tiger." I deny and hold up a hand to stop him. "You musthave been high the whole time. I just didn't obey your stupid rules.You were acting so arrogant, so I decided to make you go out of yourrole."
"Well, youwere quite successful." He agrees.
"Thank you,kind sir." I joke and take a sip of the coffee, which the waitresshad put there a couple of minutes before. "But seriously, nobodysays 'the hots' anymore."
"A lot ofpeople do." He replies and I shake my head.
"A lot of oldpeople yes. So it's okay for you to do it, I guess." I say andimmediately pull my arms away, before he can hit me with his hands.
"You're sucha brat sometimes." Downey says. "You have been all this time."
"I'mnineteen, I can be a brat all the time if I wanted to."
"Did it neverbother you that I'm so much older than you?" He finally says aftersome silence.
I frown."Should it?"
"I couldn'thelp but wonder. You're so young." Downey mumbles and looksoutside. "Shouldn't you be hanging around with people your age?"
"Life doesn'talways go as planned ." I explain. "You don't think that you'rethe only man I've met?"
"I neverthought that." He replies and I nod.
"You dorecall that I'm in a relationship with Alexander, right?"
"You're stillwith the kid?" Downey shows a mischievous grin.
"See? Youdon't approve of someone my age." I accuse him.
"I don'tapprove of anyone, when it comes to you." He replies faster than heprobably wanted to.
"As if you'dbe worthy of me." I provoke and Downey looks straight at me.
"Life doesn'talways go as planned."
Our gazeswander back to our coffees and the chocolate I haven't startedeating.
Downey sighsand puts one arm on the back rest. "Sometimes, you just feel likeeverything is too much, you know? You think that one person only getsa certain amount of shit, but apparently some people get dumped inthe toilet."
"Are youokay?" I say, after a bit of silence.
"You gottabe, don't you." It should've been a question, but he makes it soundlike a statement. His glance is back to the coffee mug.
"Not always."I say and try to get a reaction from him, yet Downey doesn't reply.
"Hey." Ipoke his arm with my finger and repeat myself. "You don't alwayshave to be okay."
"Just stop itAria." He whispers and I see pain in his eyes. "Can you please,for once, just leave it?"
"For fuck'ssake, Downey." I rant and even the waitress is a bit surprised bymy sudden break out. "Stop letting yourself drown in this selfpity."
Downey's eyeswiden by sudden surprise. "I'm not drowning inself-pity. Excuse me that I'm not dancing around, since nobody wantsme." He corrects, annoyed.
"Hell yes,you are." I object. "You wear that expression and you carryyourself as if nothing in this world can help you. As if you'redoomed to fail. And I don't know wether that is just an old men thingor if you're just stupid."
Downey clearshis throat. "Excuse me?"
"Youshouldn't even be allowed to pity yourself." I continue and startwith raging hand gestures. "I mean look at you. You're a man with asuccessful career to show. You're witty, quick and incredibly smart.Well-read, educated and even though you occasionally forget them,your manners are impeccable. More than decent looking for your age orprobably every other age. You've got enough money on your hands anddon't have to worry about anything in that department. Yes, you doget cocky and you can be quite annoying, but you're passionate aboutstuff and you never fail to impress. You look smokin' in a suit andwhenever your fingers are close to your hair. You've got the rightintensions in the important parts and would never let anyone comeeven close to be able to hurt your family. And yes, I get that yourwife cheating on you with your boss isn't something you get over in aday or two. But it wasn't their fault that you decided to violate therules of the university. That was your call. Every time, it is yourdecision. You can't blame your wife or your boss for your actions.You're a grown man, Downey. You can't hide and blame the world foreverything that went wrong with your life. You have to put yourselfout there again. Of course, I believe that it's not as easy as itsounds. But you shouldn't let someone else just mess with your lifelike that. Most of all, you shouldn't give your wife the impressionthat she didn't make a mistake in letting someone like you go."
"As if you'vegot it all figured out." He snaps and I get up.
"That'senough." I say. "You stay here and watch your life passing by,covered in your own pity, living your life through your rearviewmirror. But I am not watching you do it."
I walk towardsthe exit and as if he had heard the whole conversation, Keith stepsout of his car across the street.
"Hey, I waswondering where you were." He smiles and waves.
"I need toget a coat. But I'll be back in a second." I say and run past him.
And as I comeout again, he still leans against his truck, playing with his phone.
"Ready?" Heasks and opens the car door for me.
I get insideand as Keith drives off, I can't seem to quickly look back againand again. As if I could only see my future through my rearview.