Hey, its me. I have a problem, or to put it more correctly I have made a mistake when I updated the last chapter. I was writing and wasn't half way through and somehow I accidentally hit the update button... So I updated it shortly afterwards again, the complete version of it. I don't know how many of you already read the short version of it. At the end of the new/long one her father is speaking with John. If you can't recall that, just read the last chapter again. Thanks. :*
P.S. there are going to be exactly 30 more chapters to this story, including this one.
John
It has been several weeks since I was banned from the family home of the Hale's. I placed the ring back in its box, but let it stand openly on my desk in my bedroom, as an constant reminder of what I had lost, whether she had been truthful or not. Although I believed her the second I saw that look in her eyes. That hurt look, which haunted me in my dreams every night.
Mother didn't ask at first, but she grew more and more restless, so I made it easier for her and myself and decided to tell her that I just didn't ask her and thought it better to wait some time longer. Now she thinks that I didn't have the courage to ask her and maybe I never would.
But this was not the time to decide the full extend of my failure in losing her trust, her hand and her love in the cause of one irrational act caused by merely a situation which looked like betrayal and my own endless jealousy.
Today was Fanny's wedding day. I wasn't particularly happy with her choice of a husband, but I was glad, that with the failure of the mill I only have the responsibility of looking after mother. Not her also. Her extravagant wishes have to be financed by her husband now. It will be his problem, not mine. I feel like selling her off, but She decided her own fate. If this Union shall make her unhappy, I will remember that she brought it upon herself. It is not my fault, neither is it my place as her brother to forbid her.
Today I wore my best suit, I will look "happy" for the sake of my sister, smile and will listen to congratulations on an advantageous match, without scowling at them. I will hand over my sister to holy matrimony without thinking of Margaret at all. Just trying to think of her and I will be in utter misery. I would not able to play the role of the happy brother.
After I went out of our home and stepped into the carriage I had to wait another thirty minutes until Fanny was entirely finished with her wedding finery. The moe I foced a cheerfull expression onto my face the harder it was.
I just wanted this ordeal to be overr and as quickly as posible. Fanny was squealing and seemed never to be exhausted of talking about all the wedding arangements they had made. The amount of words she could waste on speaking about her dress and the following wedding breakfast apparently was inexhaustible. I didnt even try to listen to any of it, until she mentioned something that made my heart stopp.
She invited the Hale's. Only out of courtesy of course, she said, as I heard her explain. Now she broke into a full speach about how she actually didnt want them there, but felt like she was forced to show her good will towards the "poor" of our society. To tell the truth, I didnt want them there eighter, but I had totaly different motives. I was still hurt, and I was afraid of looking into Richards eyes. She was disinclined towards them because of her pride, I on the other hand, because for me it would be nearly impossible to withstand.
All those long days after my rash confrontation my brain was fighting my heart. My concience told me I did wrong by not trusting her enough, my brain says that she played me all along. And she knew exactly how to avoid me. She did it with skill. All the invitations that were send to Crampton were pleasantly declined. I didnt see her at the church on sunday, she wasnt to be found walking through the streets nor the stores, I never saw her once in all this time.
And now there was no turning back. I had to see her today and be pleasant around them, not letting mother nor anyone else notice that something happened between us. I have to greet them an act as if nothing ever happened. Act friendly and happy, it is your sisters wedding after all my mind was repeating again and again. I feel like I am not ready to meet her yet. The wound is still open and it hurts immensely. I cant stand her being there alone with her father, not mine, me not forgiven. Although, I must get used to it, I fear if she is truly innocent as she claimed, I might never be forgiven.
Finally we were there. The carriage comes to a halt and it tore me away from my contemplations and feelings. my heart wont stop hammering against my chest, a dull ache bilding itself around my heart. I dont want to be seen like this: vulnerable, weak, hurt. And she shouldnt see me like that above all. I want to keep the very last little part of dignity I still have. If it wasnt for that I would probably find myself on my knees in front of her begging her to forgive me in the first seconds I saw her again. Probably sobbing and begging her to love me, even after all I did and said.
I opened the doors of the carriage, went out and started helping the women out of it. Fanny fixed her dress one last time and with one of her so annoying triumphant grinns she reached for my arm. Mother already went inside, so I was left alone with my sister for some moments.
"Are you nervous?" I asked her with real brotherly concern.
"No, why should I be? Dont be ridiculous John." She answered quite annoyed.
"I am sorry, Fanny. I am your brother and I wanted to know how you did. It is a very important step you are about to take." I elaborated.
"Important step? John, I am just getting married. Thats not one of the most important things of life. It is just essential to society, nothing more." She stated as if it was the most obvious in the world.
I stared at her. "You dont like him even just a little, do you?"
"What does that have to do with anything? Like is not important as likes and dislikes change. Money doesn't. And money he has!"
I have had heard enough. Security, social station, money. Margaret never cared for such things. And I always loved her for that.
Now we heard how the organ started to play and we heard the wedding march. It was time. It was my sign to start leading Fanny into the church, down the aisle to the waiting Watson, her husband to be, and the priest.
While we went down the aisle, I didnt dare to look around. I dont know yet how I will react if I see her now. I will not let my mask, only a thin smile, slip away.
I managed to give her away and quickly made my way to sit beside my mother in the first row. The chaple was nearly half full with business assosiates of the Milton society, the other half full with gossiping and mindless girls and their families, to whom Fanny was befriended with.
I always disapproved of the kind of friedships that Fanny kept, but in the end of it I stopped trying. I had to recognize that they weren't a bad influence, because the worst influence someone could have gotten would be found around my sister and she would never change. She always was like that, gossip and fashion were her only topics of conversation, the only thing that occupied her mind long enough to produce words.
How different she is from Margaret! So intelligent, so selfless. There was so much more about her than her beautiful appearance.
Completely engulfed in thoughts like these I managed to survive the ceremony and miss everything that happened during it. However There was something I didn't miss. It was that Fanny herself didn't seem to enjoy the ceremony either. She didn't enjoy it particularly nor did she focus on the man in front of her. But what she definitely liked and pushed into her focus was that she was in the center of attention. Her dream of the world revolving around her has come true in these very moments.
The other thing that I was forced to notice were some seating arrangements. My banker, Mr Latimer sat parallel to us with his daughter by his side. Several times during the ceremony I was aware of her trying to get my attention, which I declined her every time. Now I am beginning to think about Fanny's words in front of the church. Likes and dislikes change. Money doesn't. Maybe marriage wasn't about love after all. Maybe it really is only about changing your family situation for the likes of society, money and security. No feelings involved.
Maybe it is time for me to stop romanticize. I never thought of marriage that way before Margaret. So I will stop now that I lost her heart.
I carefully glanced at the bench next to us. Of course I had to admit that Miss Latimer was in her accomplishments and beauty in comparison to Margaret next to nothing. But I have to be realistic. Margaret is a rare jewel while I am only a dark and brooding tradesman, that is how she called me at the beginning. Although I know that I would have loved her till death, I would have never deserved her.
She will marry well, I am sure. It will probably be a real gentleman from London with loads of money to give her all her heart will ever desire. She will be reunited with her family in London and have a lot of children to occupy her time.
And I will stay here. In my mill, trying to make things work again. Maybe, just maybe this is how it should be. How it was supposed to be from the very beginning. The first time a refusal, the second time a betrayal. The signs were glowing bright red, it is impossible for me to ignore them now. She never was, nor will she ever be mine.
The guests started to leave the chapel, so I had to snap out of my daydreams and come back to reality. Mother and I were supposed to walk outside behind the Latimer's and in front of the newlyweds. Again, she watched me like a hawk, ringing for my attention. When I finally looked back at her, her face broke into a huge smile, which I returned hesitantly.
Outside the pair was congratulated from all sides, as well as we, my mother and I, congratulated on an advantageous match.
It was then, when Mr and Miss Latimer approached to do as the 50 other acquaintances did before them, that I finally saw them. They talked to several persons of the wedding guests. Margaret once looked up and met my gaze. She did not shrink away, she continued to look into my eyes as if she was able to find answers. Before I really knew what was happening, Miss Latimer was clinging to my arm, laughing amiable at something that someone from the party in front of me said.
I could only watch, as her whole demeanor changed. The lost look in her eyes was gone. It became a look of disdain, anger and hurt. She lifted her chin as if to defy me, telling me: and now tell me that you were sincere with me. I don't believe you! That look hurt me immensely. But I had no other option but to turn back towards our party and act as if nothing occurred, ignoring her completely. Nobody shall know of my shame, of my loss.
It only took some minutes in the company of Miss Latimer to make me tired of her talk. I looked around to find the object of my constant admiration only to find the place where she has been empty. I have tried to find her in thinning crowd but it appeared as if she really was gone. I felt the loss of her presence at once.
Only after some time I found out how Richard excused himself and his daughter to go home. He said something about her not feeling well enough to come to the wedding breakfast, but thanked them for their generous invitation anyway. I know exactly of the kind of indisposition she must gene been in. She couldn't stand to see him any longer. If she is innocent I understand her completely. I just wished to know the truth at last. The many "if"s did not leave me. What if I was right about her?
Still, through these short encounters one thing changed in me. Al previous thought on a marriage without left my mind and they were gone for good. One look from her and he knew he was ruined for any other woman. I would have had her or nobody else. Which practically means that I will be lonely till my last day, but no other woman will ever be good enough to erase my memories of her, which means that I will never want to be with one of them. Nobody could take her place in my heart. I will be a bachelor for the rest of my life and cherish the thought of what might have been, even if it will make me miserable.
I will never find out who that stranger was, I will never find out if I was right to judge her like that. My heart already screamed at me, told me thousands of times to believe her, told me that she could have never been anything but pure and sincere. Either way, I will never have her. The love of my life.
Margaret
We walked home. It was wonderful to walk with him after such a long time when he refused to leave his study. All the way, we didn't talk. There was only silent understanding and companionship which gave me so much consolation. I still remember how father comforted me that day. When I came back he just took me into his arms and let me cry into his tailcoat. He didn't lecture me on my behavior nor did he flood me with questions. He just held me till I stopped weeping.
We never actually talked about ute until recently. It was when the invitation for Fanny's wedding arrived. I was fretting over seeing him again and anxious to go. Than he took me into his study and we talked it through. Everything that happened, my feelings, fears and regrets. Afterwards I felt stronger, as if I could conquer the world or at least survive my first meeting with him after all that happened these many weeks ago. He didn't judge me or told me to move on when I told him that despite of everything he did and said I still loved him. The only thing he said to me, before leaving me to go to bed was, wounds heal.
This evening I was worn out when we reached Crampton. I was shocked and hurt to say the least to see Miss Latimer next to him, clinging on his arm. It was as if he never was engaged to me in the first place. As if I never existed. It only took him several weeks to to find a suitable replacement. Was it that easy to replace me? I shared my thoughts with father, while he tried to make me see a different reason behind everything to overcome my pain which still lingered within me.
He helped me a lot. He also helped me in the weed to come, whenever I was in grave need of consolation and his fatherly protection. These weeks made us grow together, so we became inseparable. He was my anchor at sea, just as much as I was to him when mother died.