Second Chance (a North and South tale)

Chapter 61: Complicated

Margaret

Holding on to a cup of freshly brewed tea, I sat on the lonely stool in the backyard overlooking the sea. Although it has been a week I could simply not get enough of the view. Although it was pretty looking closely, the more distance you put between it and yourself the greater the picture became.

"There you are, it's becoming your favourite spot, doesn't it?"

Dolores came out of the back door, a plate with fresh fruit and some baked tarts on it and placed it conveniently on my lap.

"Oh, thank you, but I can't eat all of this! I will burst!" I tried to give the plate back to her, but she refused to hear any of it.

"No, no, no. Eat up now, I taught your brother to eat well, you'll learn, too."

Grinning from ear to ear, she went back into the house, leaving me to my thoughts again, but with a gallon of food for company.

"Thinking?"

Without turning, I answered him, "No. My head is empty ... if that makes any sense."

"Sounds familiar. When I just arrived here, my head was in turmoil. It was telling me, going home was going to cost me my life, but at the same time still held on to the thought that what I did was right. Not thinking was like a treasure. A treasure I could only find here, watching the water."

I didn't answer him. I wanted to keep my mind unoccupied, but something in his words made me pull back to reality.

"What happened?" He sat into the soft grass next to me, looking up.

"Why does something have to have happened?" I feared my facade was crumbling.

After a short pause, he let out a low sigh. "There has to be a lot going on in your life if you feel the need to mute your thoughts and feelings. I know that because I experienced it. So, once again, I ask you - what happened?"

He let me think. Rethink even. Where do I begin? Did it even have one moment that I could typify as "the beginning"?

"Why do I have the feeling that everything good in this life is intended to get complicated?"

He looked at me shroudly and I was lost. What could his expression possibly mean? He even let out a low chuckle, which wasnt fitting the situation, nor my emotional state.

"What's his name?" He finally asked, partly catching me off guard, partly explaining his mood.

"Why do you assume ... ?" He already caught up with me and my train of thought, he new. So, why deny it?

"John. John Thornton."

-------

"Fred! Fred! Frederik Hale!" Her voice was a shout-whisper and although she wanted to be quiet, it wasn't difficult to hear her from the door of my room. I just wanted to enter it, but something made me stay and hear what would be said downstairs.

"Oh, excuse me, darling. I was ... thinking." My brother apologized.

"Yes, I have seen that. Is everything alright with her? I saw her cry, though she hid it from me."

My eyes squeezed shut at her words. I didn't want to distress the soon-to-be mother. She was doing a lot for me already, she mustn't worry, too.

"I don't think she is well, but she will get there. My love, I think I have tortured her enough with my questioning, you should give her the space to figure some things out."

"Do you really think its best to leave her be on her own right now?"

I was holding my breath to hear his response. I have finally confided in my brother, told him what happened and all the consequences to it. I should have known that talking about it would help me understand and yet, I was trying to procrastinate, hoping it would just pass me by.

I admitted it. I was still in love with him after everything that had happened. And a part of me, although Fred was my last close family and earlier this year I would have leapt with happiness at having the opportunity to stay, wanted to go back. I missed Milton, the people ... I missed him and I wished for the power of changing the past to suit my vision for the future.

I know, there is nothing you can do to change the past, only the present - but was I strong enough for it now? Or wouldn't it just be easier, if not the best way, to live and forget?

"There is something I must do now. Go to bed, I'll be right there."