Second Chance (a North and South tale)

Chapter 22: Comparing memories

Margaret

I didnt run home

I couldnt

I didnt have the power to run all the way home to get away from him. I cried, so hard that I wasnt able to hold myself longer. My raged breath filled the silence around me when I came to a stop behind some trees. I hoped he wasnt searching for me. I couldnt let him see me in such a moment of weakness. I didnt wanted him to know how I feel, my tears would give me away.

I have known Mr. Thornton long enough to say that his judgement is good and quick. I dare to say that he would look right through me with his northpole blue eyes. What he told me was like a story read out of a novel, it seemed so unreal. But on the other hand he couldnt have just made up the whole story. If it wasnt right I would find out eventually.

There was so much on my mind, I still tried to get my breathing under control, but in vain. To much happened for me to be able to calm down.

When I talked with Dr. Donaldson he mentioned something about another head wound you got two days ago. What did he mean Margaret?

...you went to call upon the Thorntons. Your mother wanted something, I think, a water mattrass or something like that.

I wonder if she would like to try the water mattress. It's a mattress that fills with water, gives great comfort to the back....

Aparently after you left the Thorntons there was some sort of violence, but I dont know exactly what happened. I heard a young woman was attacked and hit with a stone...

My head was nearly bombarding my mind with things people said in the past days and finally everything made sense. I thought when I find out the truth I will be much calmer because I hated it not to know what was going on. But I was wrong. Terribly wrong. It made me agitated and somehow scared me. My mind was mixing up things and replaying scenes, which I suddenly remembered, to quickly for me to place.

"Keep your courage for a little longer Miss Hale."

"I am not afraid. But cant you passify them?"

"The soldgiers may let them see a reason."

"Reason? What kind of reason? Mr. Thornton go down this instant and face them like a man. They're driven mad with hunger, their children are starving, they dont know what they doing. Go and save your innocent Irish men."

.......

"You could have tried to talk and passify them, instead of hound the soldiers on them! Then they would have realy seen a reason. Violence isnt a way out of arguments. You should have talked to them as if to human beings, they sure would have understood. They were surely driven mad with hunger, their children starving. They didnt know what they were doing!"

"They were raged, they wouldnt have listened anyway. I would just have taken risk for my life."

"How do you know if you didnt even try it?"

"How do you know I didnt try?"

Now everything came back. The faces in the top room of the mill. Funny panicking. We were standing at the window, watching the rioters going for the mill door. Boucher picking the stone when Mr. Thornton came out. Me running outside calming them down. His demand to get back inside... black. Awakening at his house, Dr. Donaldson taking me home. Pretending nothing happened.

I always wondered why Mr. Thornton was so strangely agitated when we met in the park. Now I know. I repeated the whole conversation we had while the riot. And that either reminded him of what happened to me and he felt guilty or he thought I just wanted to discuss this theme again in front of my father to make a scene. Well, whatever he thought then, know he knew that I just had memory problems.

I dont know what to do now. I ... I really dont know...

I was close to tears now. I broke down onto the wet ground and let my tears fall, let the tension of knowing the truth flow out of my soul with the moistoure leaving my eyes.

But what made me cry wasnt the fact that there was a riot. Nor that I was injured because of it. Neither because it was Boucher and he would be chased after by the police now and would never have a chance to find a job in these places ever again.

It was Mr. Thornton who made me cry. He was my confident for the past few weeks and somehow I felt comfortable around him, good even. We stopped arguing, he helped me a lot. I started building up the illusion that maybe, just maybe he was someone different from what I portrayed him. That he was different from the other Milton society, someone who understands. Know he was the same cruel and ignorant tradesman he has always been. Nothing more, nothing less.

Why? Why was this tuddging at my heart so badly. Why is it hurting so much? Shoudnt I be glad that I found out what he really was inside before I told him something to confident? I mean I was already considering telling him about Frederik. That would have been catastrophic. I should be gratefull.

But something told me that he wasnt finished, there was more he wanted to tell me - probably to justify his actions. What if I was missing out one important detail and was accusing him wrongly again?

I needed to go home, or they will be sick of worry. And I shouldnt risk getting a cold now that my mother was close to her death. So I went home, always looking back to see that nobody was following me.

"Hey, whats wrong?" Frederik said when he saw me sitting quietly on my bed, unmoving. He always noticed when I was feeling sad. Should I tell him or not?

"Nothing."

"I really know you better than that. What happened, now tell me. Did some prince charming break your heart?"

I knew that this was meant like a joke. He wasnt really always thinking when he talked. But it somehow hurt, because in some kind of way he was right.

"Oh no, dont tell me I was right with that suggestion! You in love?" He nearly laughed at that last statement. That hurt a lot and I also didnt know why.

"Oh, I am sorry, I should shut my mouth before I say more stupid things. You know my rambling sometimes. I didnt mean it like that."

"I know that you didnt mean it but... I dont know. Something happened and I just dont understand my own feelings. Its just to complicated."

"Tell me about it, my life is a complicated mess, I have experience at solving problems." He said with a confident smile which made me chuckle at his childishness.

"Alright, but it is a long story, and I myself dont know until know what to do or even feel about it. So just listen and dont jump to conclusions. Dont tease me and dont make fun of me."

"I would never do that." I looked at him with an eyebrow arched upwards. I clearly didnt believe him. "I mean it, I have changed. I want to help my little sister when I get the chance. Trust me."

"Alright, I do. But... where do I start..."

"It would be best if you started from the beginning."

And so I did.