Second Chance (a North and South tale)

Chapter 30: The shadow of death

Margaret

As soon as I calmed down a bit and was sure that I could keep my facial expression straight I put away my things and went upstairs. I was aware of Dixon waiting for me there already. I had to think of a good story  to explain why Mr. Thornton kept me away from home for so long. She still doesnt think well of him, he was only a tradesman in her eyes after all. And I couldnt blame her. I thought in the same way at the start.

When I reached the end of the stairs I wasnt bothered by Dixon as I thought I would be. Instead Frederick came my way. His face was pale and he wore a very grave expression. He seemed to be on the verge of tears, but to shocked to let them out - at once I knew the meaning of it. 

"Mother..." I whispered and he nodded. It was time. I went towards the door of my mothers bedroom and came face to face with Dixon. She too looked very grave. She loves my mother, and it will be very painfull to her, as well as to us. 

"It is time." She whispered, seemingly not directing her words to anyone in particular, but just speaking to her self, like she needed to confirm it to herself, to realise she is going to leave us. 

I went inside the room and glanced around, to see my father leaning on the wall on the opposite side of the bed. He did not seem to be himself. He didnt see nor hear anything that happened beside him. My poor father. He loved mother. I know he will be blaming himself and his move to leave the church for her early death. 

I went over to the left side of the bed, kneeled beside her and took her hand into mine. Frederick followed my example and did the same on the other bedside. I had to keep myself together and my emotions under controll. I didnt want my mother to die while seeing what pain this is causing me. My dear mother! All this time in Milton was a blessed time indeed. I had more time to be with my mother and the relationship we build up since our move was stronger than it had ever been. Me living in London with my aunt made us grow apart. But the time here fixed it. And know, that I finally established that, she was about to be taken away from me. 

Though one thought made it all less glooming. She was able to see Fred once again. That thought made my smile more real, when I looked at the strenghtless body of my mother. She breathed heavily, it was getting more and more difficoult for her. I could see her exhaustion written on her pale and liveless face. With all the strength she had left she turned her gaze once to me, then to Fred, and finally to the ceiling. I felt live draining out of her and she was gone. 

It wasnt like the books always seem to tell you a death looks like. It isnt like the dying person was drifting of to sleep, letting the last breath out of their lungs and closing their eyes for ever. They just stopped what ever they were doing. Her breathing just stopped, her eyes still open. It scared me, and left me in utter shock about what just happened. Frederick reached for her face and gently closed her eyes. 

Finally I got out of my trance and realised what I just lost. After I turned and saw fathers expression, I buried my face into mothers sheets and pressed her hand to my face tightly. Sobbing uncontrollably I forgott about every other person in the room. 

After some time I stopped sobbing, there were no tears coming out of my eyes anymore. It was like I let out every drop of water in my body, which could have been spared for crying. I felt numb. I didnt feel anything, it was like there was a great hole inside of my soul. I didnt find the strength to stand up, not the motivation to do anything. 

I didnt know anymore how long I just sat there, staring in front of me, not noticing anything that happened. But at some point, someone tugged at my arm and got me to stand up. I went along with the hand which led me out of the room without questioning. I was led down the stairs and seated into a chair, until the person started to  gently shake me.

"Miss Margret, please! I am worried about you. You sat there for hours, not moving an inch! Please, Miss Margaret. I need your help. Master didnt come out of his study since missus is gone. The same is with master Frederick. I had to calm him down several times, so his sobbs were not heard outside our rooms. Nobody seems to be capable of any actions beyond grieving. But arrangements have to be done. For the burial I mean. Please, I dont want to seem unfeeling, I know it is hard for you. But we have to do this. Please, Miss. You have to be strong for you fathers sake!"

The last sentence send me out of my cloud. I knew my father was uncapable of taking care of all the arrangements which had to be done referring to mothers death. The reasonable part of me made me get out of my trance and be my usual self again. In part. 

"Have you done something already?" I asked, looking into the face of my mothers most loyal servant. 

"I got out her best clothing. I will change her clothes and wash her and rearange her hair. You should call for the priest and set all the other arrangements."

"Yes of course. I will go immideately." I said, with a smal voice, a little piece of my usual determination coming to back to life. 

I stood up, straigthening my skirts. Putting on my coat, I left the house a second time today. On my way to see the priest I thought of the former reason of going outside and I wondered how my emotions changed in the short time. I went from perfekt bliss to eternal griev and eventually set myself up to be completle unfeeling, for if I didnt, I wouldnt be able to do the tasks at hand. I had to be strong. I always was the strong one and this time I will have to take this burden onto my shoulders, too.

After my meating with the priest, he asked me if he would be allowed to accompany me and see the corpse to pray for her at her bed. I agreed, and as soon as we arrived at home, I led him to my mothers bed chamber. 

I went back downstairs to see a very hectic Dixon rushing inside through the door. 

"Miss Margaret, Master Frederick has to leave at once!"

I am so sorry for not updating for so long. It was quite stressful and hectic those two weeks. I am trying to update on time, but I have a lot going on and I just forgott about the book completely. I hope you forgive me my tardiness. This is an additional chapter to the usual update on friday, to make it up to you.

I am trying to do my best :)