***I DO NOT OWN THESE CHARACTERS***MOST OF THIS STORY IS FROM THE TWILIGHT BOOK BUT SOME IS MADE UP BY ME BECAUSE ITS NOT IN THE BOOK***
**ENJOY**
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When I stood out into the sun light all I wanted was to be able to know how she really felt, not knowing her true feelings killed me. She looked shocked, but I couldn't tell whether she was scared or not. She couldn't stop staring at my skin, the light refracting from my skin, like it was made of millions of tiny diamonds. I remember how I felt when I first discovered this, it scared me, why was I like this, how was everything about me so beautiful when I didn't deserve it being what I am. After a while of her staring at me I moved into the centre of the meadow and lay perfectly still in the grass, my skin still in the sunlight. I layed with my eyes shut, shutting out all the thoughts in my mind, trying to focus, hoping I could get something from her. I sang to myself quietly, trying to relax, she must have noticed as she kept asking what I was doing, she couldn't hear me though.
She sat next to me, curled up resting her chin on her knees, staring at my skin. I layed and listened to the grass and blowing in the wind, feeling the sun warm my icy skin, trying to ignore her scent being blown towards me by the wind, I could control myself more now, I was used to it, the temptation wasn't as bad.
I didn't open my eyes until I felt a gentle tickle on the back of my hand, I saw that it was her, gently stroking the back of my hand with her finger. She didn't reacted to how cold I was, just curious about my skin still. She didn't seem scared. I watched her, watching my skin in awe, it took her a while to notice I was watching her. She looked at me, into my eyes.
"I don't scare you?" I asked smiling at her.
"No more than usual."
I shouldn't be glad that she wasn't, but I couldn't help myself from smiling at her more than I was.
She moved closer, taking her entire hand and tracing the lines on my arm, her fingers trembled as she did so, I believed her when she said she wasn't scared, but this confused me, why did she tremble if she wasn't scared of me?
"Do you mind?" she asked as I closed my eyes again.
"No, you can't imagine how that feels." I kept my eyes closed, she couldn't imagine how her warm soft touch felt against my cold hard skin, it felt magnificent.
She continued to lightly trail her hand along my arm, following my veins inside my elbow. I opened my eyes to see she had started to reach for my hand to turn it over, I flipped it over before she reached. It wasn't until after I realised I'd startled her that I realised my movement was probably faster than it should have been.
"Sorry," I murmured, as I closed my eyes again. "It's too easy to be myself with you."
She lifted my hand and tilted it in the sunlight, watching the sun reflect in different directions, she pulled my hand closer to her face and examined it, trying to find something in my skin, just like I had done when I first discovered what my skin did.
I opened my eyes and watched her, it would be so much easier if I just knew what she was thinking. "Tell me what you're thinking, it's still so strange for me, not knowing."
"You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time."
"It's a hard life. But you didn't tell me."
"I was wishing I could know what you were thinking..."
I didn't have to be able to read her mind to know that that wasn't everything. "And?"
"I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid."
"I don't want you to be afraid." It's not like I could tell her she didn't have to be afraid, that there was nothing to fear, because there was, there was a lot to be afraid about when it comes to me and my kind.
"Well, that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly something to think about."
I moved quicker than I should have again as I sat up, my hand still in hers, propping myself on my other elbow even though my strength meant I didn't have to. I moved closer to her, our faces inches apart but she didn't flinch, even though I moved faster than she could have seen.
"What are you afraid of, then?" I whispered just loud enough for her to hear.
She didn't answer me, her breathing was heavy, she could smell my scent, and then she leaned closer, closer than was safe, the smell of her blood became to strong.
I quickly moved away, taking my hand from hers and standing at the other end of the meadow, 20 feet away, back under the trees in the shade, I had to get myself in control, try and forget how much her scent appealed to me.
"I'm... sorry... Edward," I could see that she was shocked and hurt.
"Give me a moment," I was just loud enough for her to hear, she sat still, waiting for me to go back over to her. I gave myself 10 seconds to control myself and then walked back towards her at a normal, human pace, I kept my distance still. I sat down a few feet away from her, and took a few deep breaths to reacquaint myself, I could control it.
"I am so very sorry. Would you understand what I meant if i said I was only human?" I tried to come up with a way to explain how I felt.
She did a small nod, with a small smile, I could tell that she'd realised quite how dangerous I was, I smiled at her, mockingly. "I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites you in — my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!" I had to make her understand, I stood and looked down at her. "As if you could outrun me," I laughed as a ran around the meadow and stopped by a tree. I reached out a branch, at least 2 feet thick, with one effortless movement, the crack of it ripping was loud, even for my ears. I threw it against another tree, hard enough for it to shatter under the speed.
I moved towards her again, fast enough that she didn't see the movement, I stood two feet away from her. "As if you could fight me off,"
She sat still, not daring to move, she was finally realising how dangerous I could be, seeing me less human than I'd ever been in front of anyway in years. She sat and stared into my dark eyes, like she was locked into my gaz.
It suddenly hit me that I didn't want her to be scared of me, even though she should be. Being scared of me meant not wanting to be around me, and I found myself not being able to live without her.
"Don't be afraid, I promise... I swear not to hurt you." I wasn't just trying to convince her, I had to convince myself as well, how could I promise not to loose control. "Don't be afraid," I moved closer to her, sitting in front of her, our faces a foot apart. "Please forgive me, I can control myself. You caught me off guard. But I'm on my best behavior now." I waited forget to reply, but she sat still, she still hadn't moved. "I'm not thirsty today, honestly." I winked, and finally she laughed, it wasn't a normal laugh, she was still shocked and shaken. "Are you all all right?" I asked placing my hand back in hers. She looked at me for a few seconds and then looked down to my hand and returned to tracing the lines with her finger, she looked back up at me and gave me a timid smile. I have her a full smile back, she was finally getting back to normal, she wasn't going to leave.
"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?" I was still ashamed of my behaviour, but the only way I could get her over it was to try and get over it myself.
"I honestly can't remember."
"I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason."
"Oh, right."
"Well?" She looked back down at my hand, and started drawling lines across it. I was growing frustrated with not being able to read her thoughts, why wouldn't she answer me. "How easily frustrated I am," I sighed.
She looked back up to my eyes, and started talking. "I was afraid... because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can't stay with you. And I'm afraid that I'd like to stay with you, much more than I should." As she spoke she looked back down at my hand, she was obviously scared of telling me what she thought.
"Yes, that is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your best interest." At least she understood that she shouldn't be around me, and that she shouldn't want to. She frowned at this. "I should have left long ago, I should leave now. But I don't know if I can." I couldn't leave her, there was something about her that made me want to stay.
"I don't want you to leave,"
"Which is exactly why I should. But don't worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."
"I'm glad."
"Don't be!" Even though I was happy that she didn't want to be without me as much as I didn't want to be without her, she shouldn't feel this way. I took my hand from hers and tried to make her understand more. "It's not only your company I crave! Never forget that. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else." I couldn't look at her when I said this, it hurt me too much that I could hurt her.
She sat silent for a moment. "I don't think I understand exactly what you mean — by that last part anyway,"
I looked back at her and smiled. "How do I explain? And without frightening you again . . . hmmmm." I placed my hand back in her as I thought and she held it tightly, for her strength, in both of hers. I looked down at her hands and smiled. "That's amazingly pleasant, the warmth." I gathered my thoughts, and returned to the subject at hand. "You know how everyone enjoys different flavors? Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?" She nodded, "Sorry about the food analogy — I couldn't think of another way to explain," She smiled at me, and I returned the gesture. "You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac — and filled the room with its warm aroma — how do you think he would fare then?"
We sat in silence for a short while, I couldn't tell if she was understanding. "Maybe that's not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead."
"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" She was teasing be she was exactly right.
"Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin."
"Does that happen often?"
I looked up towards the trees, thinking about when I'd asked Jasper about how it felt to him, and what he thought about how Bellas sent affected me. "I spoke to my brothers about it. To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor." I looked at her apologetically, the way I thought was different to hers, and probably scary. "Sorry,"
"I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending me, or frightening me, or whichever. That's the way you think. I can understand, or I can try to at least. Just explain however you can."
I took a deep breath and continued. "So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone who was as appealing as you are to me. Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other."
"And for you?"
"Never."
"What did Emmett do?"
I didn't even want to explain that, I couldn't help my hand clenching into a fist when she asked, I had to get rid of such a dark thought.
"I guess I know,"
"Even the strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?"
"What are you asking? My permission? I mean, is there no hope, then?" How could she think I was asking for her permission to kill her?!
"No, no! Of course there's hope! I mean, of course I won't... It's different for us. Emmett... these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago, and he wasn't as... practiced, as careful, as he is now."
I sat and let her think about what I'd just said.
"So if we'd met... oh, in a dark alley or something..."
"It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and —" I stopped and looked away, I couldn't finish. "When you walked past me, I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for the last, well, too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself." I remembered how if acted that first day, and realised that it would have seemed extremely strange, especially when she didn't know what was wrong. "You must have thought I was possessed."
"I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly..."
"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin... I thought it would make me deranged that first day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow..." I hated how I couldn't have helped myself, and I hated knowing that it would have worked, how close I was too hurting her.
"You would have come,"
"Without a doubt."
I looked down at her hands frowning, about how I'd been such a coward. "And then, as I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there — in that close, warm little room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there — so easily dealt with."
She shivered at that, at how I'd felt that day, finally understanding.
"But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myself not to wait for you, not to follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left the others near home — I was too ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew something was very wrong — and then I went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving."
She stared at me shocked.
"I traded cars with him — he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to stop. I didn't dare to go home, to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to convince me that it wasn't necessary... By the next morning I was in Alaska." I hated how much of a coward I had been. "I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances... but I was homesick. I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little girl to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back..."
She didn't speak.
"I took precautions, hunting, feeding more than usual before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like any other human. I was arrogant about it. It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind... her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating."
"I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day, if possible, so I tried to talk with you like I would with any person. I was eager actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But you were too interesting, I found myself caught up in your expressions... and every now and then you would stir the air with your hand or your hair, and the scent would stun me again...
"Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes. Later I thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment — because if I hadn't saved you, if your blood had been spilled there in front of me, I don't think I could have stopped myself from exposing us for what we are. But I only thought of that excuse later. At the time, all I could think was, 'Not her.'"
I closed my eyes and hung my head down, I wished I didn't have to tell her that, but she had to know everything, she had to know how I'd felt to fully understand everything.
"In the hospital?"
How I'd acted in the hospital towards her was terrible, I hated myself for doing it but I couldn't come out and tell her everything. Not then anyway. "I was appalled. I couldn't believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power — you of all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you." She flinched at the word, and so did I. "But it had the opposite effect, I fought with Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time... the worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Alice. Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay." Of course Alice had sided with me, after the vision she'd had of Bella, and me.
"All that next day I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to, shocked that you kept your word. I didn't understand you at all. But I knew that I couldn't become more involved with you. I did my very best to stay as far from you as possible. And every day the perfume of your skin, your breath, your hair... it hit me as hard as the very first day. And for all that, I'd have fared better if I had exposed us all at that first moment, than if now, here — with no witnesses and nothing to stop me — I were to hurt you."
"Why?"
The only thing I could do was tell her my deepest feelings. "Isabella." I lent out and ruffled her hair with my free hand, I was too busy thinking about everything happening that it didn't bother me that the stir of her hair scent her scent into the air. "Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me." He looked down, ashamed again. "The thought of you, still, white, cold... to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses... it would be unendurable. You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."
That was it, possibly everything I needed to tell her, she knew everything she could, including my feelings towards her, no matter how much danger it out her in, I was happy. She looked down at our hands and I waited patiently for her to say something.
"You already know how I feel, of course, I'm here... which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you." She frowned. "I'm an idiot."
"You are an idiot," I laughed, she looked up into my eyes and we laughed together at such a ridiculous moment, how impossible this was. At how impossible this was going to be "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..." She tried to hide her feelings towards what I'd said by looking away, but I could hear her heart beat escalate and I could see the rush of blood to her cheeks.
"What a stupid lamb,"
"What a sick, masochistic lion." I and Alice knew that if this was going to go any further then changes would have to be made, changes I didn't have the strength to make.
"Why... ?" She didn't finish what she was going to say. Wouldn't have been so much of a big deal if I could just know what she wanted to say.
I looked at her a smiled. "Yes?"
"Tell me why you ran from me before."
I thought she understood now. "You know why."
"No, I mean, exactly what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better start learning what I shouldn't do. This, for example, seems to be all right." She said as she stroked the back of my hand.
"You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault."
"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you."
"Well... It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness... I wasn't expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your throat." I looked at her to see if I'd upset her, she wouldn't have known.
"Okay, then. No throat exposure." I laughed as she tucked her chin in so that I couldn't see her neck.
"No, really, it was more the surprise than anything else."
I raised my free hand and placed it on the side of her neck, she sat still and watched what I was doing, I felt her heart beat increase, but she didn't seem scared. "You see, perfectly fine." I could hear her heart beating in her chest but it didn't even bother me, I could see the flush of blood in her cheeks. "The blush on your cheeks is lovely," I gently freed my other hand. Herhands fell back into her lap. I brushed her rosy cheeks softly with my hand and held her face in my hands.
"Be very still," I told her even though she wasn't moving. Slowly, never moving my eyes from hers, I leaned towards her and rested my cheek and against the base of her throats, listening to her heart beat, feeling the warmth on my face, being proud that I could do this. I slid my hands down the side of her neck towards her shoulders, she shivered and I stopped breathing, my breath catching in my neck, my hands never stopped though. I rested my hands on her shoulders. I turned my head, never lifting it from her chest, and rested my other cheek against her chest, and continued to listen to her heartbeat, she didn't move once.
"Ah," I sighed, getting accustomed to the beat of her heart.
We sat there for a while, her not moving in my hold, eventually her heart beat slowed, growing more relaxed. The longer I stayed there, the less her scent bothered me. I released her and looked up at her.
"It won't be so hard again,"
"Was that very hard for you?"
"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?"
"No, it wasn't bad... for me."
"You know what I mean."
She smiled. "Here." I took her hand and placed it against my cheek. "Do you feel how warm it is?"
"Don't move," She whispered.
I froze where I was, it wasn't hard for my kind to be still. She I could hear her movement, I listened closely, closing my eyes. She moved slowly, slower than even I had. Ever hand reached up and stroked my cheek, up towards my eyelid and then in the hollow under my eyes down the side of my nose and then to my lips, even more carefully than before. I found myself unable to stop my lips from parting, the scent of her blood so close to my face, although it didn't not bother me, I couldn't help how my mind thought about ways of killing her. Her hand dropped, she knew not to push to far. I opened my eyes, and she must have seen the instinctual hunger in them, her pulse increased, but she still didn't seem to be scared.
"I wish, I wish you could feel the... complexity... the confusion... I feel. That you could understand." I raised my hand and brushed her hair over so that it was covering her face.
"Tell me,"
"I don't think I can. I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger — the thirst — that, deplorable creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though as you are not addicted to any illegal substances, you probably can't empathize completely.
"But..." I brushed her lips gently. "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me." I'd never had the chance to feel like this towards someone, not even when I was human, I'm sure it would have been easier if I was, but what I was complicated it.
"I may understand that better than you think."
"I'm not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?"
"For me? ...No, never. Never before this."
I held her hands between mine. "I don't know how to be close to you, I don't know if I can." I admitted to her.
She leaned towards me, keeping her eyes on mine, telling me not to be startled through her eyes. She placed her cheek on my chest like I had done to her.
"This is enough," She sighed, closing her eyes. I felt more and more human the longer I was with her, I wrapped my arms around her and rested my cheek on her head.
"You're better at this than you give yourself credit for,"
"I have human instincts — they may be buried deep, but they're there."
We sat there, still for a while, until the light started to fade. I heard her sigh. "You have to go."
"I thought you couldn't read my mind."
"It's getting clearer." I didn't need to anymore.
I took her shoulders and looked into her eyes. "Can I show you something?" I could feel the excitement on my face.
"Show me what?"
"I'll show you how I travel in the forest." I saw the worried look on her face "Don't worry, you'll be very safe, and we'll get to your truck much faster." I grinned at her, thinking about how exciting it would be to show the real me to her, not having to be scared.
"Will you turn into a bat?"
I couldn't control the laugh that came from me. "Like I haven't heard that one before!"
"Right, I'm sure you get that all the time."
"Come on, little coward, climb on my back."
She stared at me waiting to see if I was joking. I smiled at her to show her I was being serious. She still hesitated so I reached out towards her, I picked her up and put her on my back, she clung to me, if I was human I would probably be choking.
"I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack,"
"Hah!" I rolled my eyes at the stupidity of her comment. I was stronger than anything. Before I started moving I grabbed her hand and pressed it to my face, inhaling, it was even easier than before. "Easier all the time,"
Then I started running, at a speed I hadn't been able to do in front of anyone that wasn't my kind before, I felt free. She clung to me even tighter than before. Of course I could still see ever detail, still avoid every tree in plenty of time to avoid hitting them, but to her it would have been a whole blur, not being able to see anything until it was up close, and even then not seeing every detail like I did.
We were back to her truck in minutes, instead of hiking back for hours like we did this morning.
"Exhilarating, isn't it?" I came to a stop and waited for her to clime down, but she stayed locked around me, never moving. "Bella?"
"I think I need to lie down," she gasped short of breath.
"Oh, sorry." I waited but she still didn't make a move.
"I think I need help,"
I laughed as I took a hold of her arms and slowly pulled them apart from around my neck. I pulled her around and held her in my arms in front of me, and then carefully placed her down on the ground.
"How do you feel?" I asked her.
It took her a while to think, "Dizzy, I think."
"Put your head between your knees."
She did and she sat like that for a while, I didn't realise that something so exciting and normal to me would have this affect on her, I sat down beside her and waited.
"I guess that wasn't the best idea," I said when she looked back up, still not looking quite so normal.
"No, it was very interesting."
"Hah! You're as white as a ghost — no, you're as white as me!"
"I think I should have closed my eyes."
"Remember that next time."
"Next time!" She groaned.
I laughed, she was so fragile. But I wanted to try something, dangerous, but I wanted to test myself.
"Show-off," she muttered.
"Open your eyes, Bella," I said as I got closer to her. She opened her eyes and she realised how close I was. "I was thinking, while I was running..."
"About not hitting the trees, I hope."
"Silly Bella, running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about."
"Show-off,"
I smiled, "No, I was thinking there was something I wanted to try." I took her face in my hands, I hesitated slightly, making sure I could do this, make sure I was still I control and not my instincts.
And then I kissed her.
What I wasn't prepared for was her response.
Her pulse increased at an incredible rate, her fingers knotted in my hair, pulling me closer to her, her breathing got heavier and heavier. He lips parted wanting more. I stopped, and pushed her back, I couldn't let her push me too far.
"Oops," She breathed.
"That's an understatement."
"Should I... ?" She tried to move away, get out of my grasp to give me some space.
"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please." I said as I gathered myself. We waited never looking away from each other. "There,"
"Tolerable?"
"I'm stronger than I thought. It's nice to know." I was proud I could control myself, especially with something like that.
"I wish I could say the same. I'm sorry."
"You are only human, after all."
"Thanks so much,"
I stood again and held out my hand to help her up, she took my hand and tried to balance herself as she stood up.
"Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?"
"I can't be sure, I'm still woozy, I think it's some of both, though."
"Maybe you should let me drive." There was no way she was in a fit state to drive, even normal she was dangerously clumsy.
"Are you insane?"
"I can drive better than you on your best day, you have much slower reflexes."
"I'm sure that's true, but I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it."
"Some trust, please, Bella."
She thought about it has she gripped her key tighter, and then shook her head. "Nope. Not a chance."
I looked at her shocked, actually refusing to let me drive in the state she was in. She started to walk past me towards the driver side but as she did she wobbled, proving my point. I grabbed her around the waste to stop her from going any further.
"Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk,"
"Drunk?"
"You're intoxicated by my very presence." I grinned at her, there was no way she could deny it, she wasn't good at hiding it.
"I can't argue with that, take it easy — my truck is a senior citizen." She said as she dropped the key from up high towards the floor, I caught it with my reflexes and let her out of my grasp and turned her towards the passenger side.
"Very sensible,"
"And are you not affected at all? By my presence?"
I didn't answer, I just bent my head towards her and kissed her jaw line, up to her ear and then back down to her chin, she trembled at my touch.
"Regardless, I have better reflexes."
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Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I've been busy with exams and starting college and everything. I'll try and update more frequently though 😊