the guilt is killing him.
he can almost feel it, a sentient thing, roiling in his stomach and spreading fire through his lungs. his lips burning from the lies he spoke.
he told josh that nothing happened between him and jenna, but josh doesn't know her. he doesn't know what she's like.
he doesn't know the reason they broke up.
josh is asleep in the room over, and tyler fingers the bag of pills in his pocket. the ones he got from jenna. they're tantalizing, calling for him. he knows it's only a short time until he lets them win.
but he'll hold out as long he can.
when the drugs finally win out, it's because of her. her touch on his skin growing unbearable, her lingering fingertips like burns on the fragile flesh. the feel of her lips on his neck like a poison. he swallows them dry and scratches his nails against his skin. oh god, he was so stupid.
it's his fault, though, not jenna's, and he doesn't want to blame her. but it's so easy. it's so easy to lie and say she forced herself on him. so simple to pretend he wasn't the one that kissed her first.
there. the truth is out. even if 'out' means in tyler's brain. it's a start.
the drugs kick in and he flings his head back, staring at the ceiling. it feels good. he remembers countless nights with jenna, out on a balcony with acid on their tongues and laughs on their lips, sharing their hallucinations. he never had a bad trip, not with her.
her.
her name is poison on his tongue and his brain- a black splotch against the white canvas of his mind. and he's run out of sheets. no more starting over. no more moving towns and leaving friends and heartless break-ups. no more changing numbers and phones to stop the tearful calls, the endless pleading.
three years of no contact, broken by one day of stupidity.
tyler knows he won't get sleep tonight. he didn't last night, or the night before that. and tomorrow will most likely be the same. at this point, the circles under his eyes have become a part of him. it was like this when he left her for the first time, too.
he thinks of josh, sleeping peaceful and ignorant. a smile on his lips and happy dreams. at least, tyler hopes they're happy. that's what josh deserves. josh is beautiful, and he deserves happiness.
the tears start to prickle, and he lets them flow.
stupid.
so, so, stupid.
//read my jalex fic maybe?//