Billie wasn't there when I went back. He wasn't there for the rest of the day. It was a long one too. I couldn't go out. There was a lack of interest in me for calling friends or reaching out to anyone. The only place I was comfortable was in my bed. It was 85 degrees out, but it didn't stop me from cuddling in my blankets and pretending something better would come along.
The hours crawled by and my room got darker as the night inched in. My mom came in to check in on me, but each time the only thing she found was me huddled under my blankets.
"Can I get you anything?"
"No."
"Want a snack?"
"No."
"Will you come eat dinner with us soon?"
"I can keep you company, but my appetite has sort of diminished."
No, I hadn't popped another Adderall, but I wish I had. My mind kept wandering from thought to thought, keeping me anxious and fidgety. Longview was pretty much summing up my life right now. "I locked myself in my own cell and I lost the key." This was how it felt to be depressed. To feel alone. I doubted I would ever see the day these feelings would take over, but now that they have, all I can do is wait.
Seconds turned into minutes as minutes turned into hours. Before I had even known it, it was around 10 pm. My parents had offered to take Tuesday off of work to spend time with me, but that would have accomplished nothing. In the long run, I knew I was screwed.
"Go to sleep," I whisper to myself. My thoughts raced, leaving me mentally exhausted, yet incapable of passing out. After tossing and turning for another hour, I decided to turn on some Green Day to help calm me down.
"Hey Gloria? Are you standing close to the edge? Lookout to the setting sun, the brink of your vision, eternal youth is the landscape of the lie."
I tried so hard to believe his words were being spoken to me, but somehow things felt so distant. It's just a recording. How could this possibly ease my mind?
The music continued to play as my head ached more with each chord. Sweat started dripping off my body and I could not sit still. It felt like some sort of heat stroke came over me. I quickly got up to turn on the AC, but nothing was cutting it. My toes felt numb and my chest felt cold. An anxiety attack in the midst. It wasn't until then when I realized how badly I needed those Benzos. My feet were nearly itching to go through the trash to find the pills I had tossed earlier, but by now they were probably adorned with nasty food and garbage.
Hours crawled by, one by one. At around 2 am I knew there was no way I would be sleeping alone. Was I supposed to wait it out for a few days until sleep would naturally overcome me, or do I get some more pills? I wanted so badly to make Billie happy and to stay clean, but to know how it feels to not sleep for so long...it's painful.
I sat up on my bed and began fidgeting with my thumbs. My phone on the nightstand seemed to be calling out my name for me to text Damion and set up a date for a little deal.
"No more Adderall," I told myself, while staring at my phone for a little while. "Just some benzos to sleep, that's not a crime. I have insomnia."
Aggressively my head shook in denial.
"No," I went against myself. "I need to get off those things. I can't rely on them anymore. The more I use them, the worse I get."
I let my inner demon and angel battle each other for a while, having them fight over who should win as I watched from the sidelines. Who would prevail?
Eventually the final words I heard from my mouth were...
"Fuck it. I need them, I'll use them. Nothing more to it than that."
I finally grabbed my phone to text Damion.
Me: When you get this, please call me. I need some more of that stuff. Thanks.
"I'm the son of rage and love, the Jesus of Suburbia...."
I smiled upon hearing my ringtone and seeing that I had an incoming call from Damion.
"Hey Dame," I greeted refreshingly.
"Hey Lay! Good morning! How are you?"
"I've been better," I yawn.
"Get any sleep last night? You sound tired."
"I wish I had," I take a sip of black coffee and wedge the mug back between my hands. "Pulled an all-nighter, unintentionally."
"Damn, really? Are those pills helping at all?!"
"They were, but I...I lost them. I misplaced them," I lied while turning down the volume to Full House. "No idea where they went."
There was no way I could tell him the truth. If I had mentioned the hospital or the scanning I had, he would refuse to sell them to me. He was too sweet of a guy...too responsible and caring, not exactly what I need right now.
"That's too bad, were they helping?"
"Oh yeah, they helped a lot. I was finally getting some good sleep. Haven't been able to sleep since I lost them though, so if you could let me know when you get your next prescription I would love to buy some off you."
"Well, Lay...those pills are some good shit for sure, but you can't get too comfy with them. Maybe you need to lay off them until you can produce your own melatonin or whatever."
"NO!" I accidentally blurt out. "I mean, with the pills I was getting better. I was able to take naps on my own and stuff....but without them I just feel lost. They help aid my natural sleep, I promise."
"I don't know, Lay.."
"Please, Damion. I really need this. You would be doing me a big favor."
"I want to do you a favor, Layla. I want to help you, but-"
"I'll give you more money," I beg with my nails in my mouth to bite. "Name a price."
"It's not about the money, it's about—"
"Currently I'm drinking black coffee like it's water and Netflix hasn't had a rest since 11 last night. My eyes feel like they're going to bulge out of my skull and I've been listening to the same songs on repeat since yesterday afternoon. I need sleep desperately. Please."
I could hear him sigh on the other end.
"Fine. I have a new bottle coming in an hour. Meet me same place, same time?"
"I'll be there."
I hung up and grinned. It's going to be okay.
"You're going to be careful, right?" He asked again, before finally handing them over.
"Of course," I mumble, feeling the exhaustion hitting me like a pound of bricks.
"You'd better. I don't want you to get addicted to these. They aren't candy."
"I'm aware," I blindly agree. "Can I have them now?"
He looked down at the case and took in a deep breath.
"Alright, here you go," he caves. "Somewhere inside I feel like I'm doing you a negative," he admits while scratching his head unassured.
"Don't worry about that."
"When am I supposed to worry? When it's too late?"
My eyes squinted in curiosity. It nearly sounded like he knew what I was going through without actually knowing. I was glad to know that he cared about me, but also confused that he was being this protective.
"Please Damion, don't worry about me. No one else does."
Maybe that was a lie, but it sounded like the right choice of words for the time being. I felt so dramatic, like I was in some cheesy '80s flick or something.
"I like you, Layla. I really do. I want the best for you. Promise me you'll be careful?"
"I promise," blindly I agree. He smiles lightly, and a few minutes later we part into our cars.
The moment I felt safe inside, I started the ignition and blared the music to help dwindle out my thoughts. The ride home would only take five minutes, and somewhere inside I really wanted to pop a few pills now so upon arriving home I'd instantly pass out. Though it seemed dangerous, after taking the pills for a few days, I felt like I had a good control on time. After staring it down for a while, I finally popped a few in my mouth and swallowed with the left over water in my bottle. Time to go.
' The ride home was safe, naturally. However, forty minutes went by and I still wasn't able to fall asleep.
"Are these a fucking joke?" I spat while staring at the remaining pills. Investigating the number on them I came to realize that they were the same prescription as the ones I was given before, so Damion did not cheat me out.
"Maybe I need a few more." I had only taken one before anyways. Usually one did the trick, but maybe now I needed an upgrade. It didn't take long before another pill found its way into my system. From there, things moved along pretty fast.
The transition from my living room couch to outside of Billie Joe's house in California was a smooth one. Billie hadn't been waiting for me like he had so often done in the past, but it was nice to know he was probably nearby.
After looking around for a few minutes, I decided to walk up the steps to his porch and make my way inside.
"Billie?" I called. "Billie, you here?"
No one was in sight, but there were definitely footsteps coming from upstairs.
"Billie, I know you're here," I smile lightly. "Come down to see me!"
The floor crackled from above. A few seconds later everything went quiet.
"Billie, if you don't get down here, I'm going up there to see you!"
The hesitation was longer than expected, but eventually they picked up again and the sound of moving feet came closer to the staircase. Slowly but surely, Billie Joe made his way down the stairs.
"Hey," I greet with a grin. His face looked flushed and filled with confusion once he finally came into full view. Seeing his unsettledness wiped my smile away.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
"Who the fuck are you?" He glares.
"Excuse me?"
"Did you not hear me or something? Let me repeat it for you. Who-the-fuck-are-you?!" He sasses.
"Is this some type of joke?"
"And what the fuck are you doing in my house?!"
His eyes feel like daggers upon my chest. The disgust in his tone was despicable.
"Billie?" I whimper.
"Billie, who are you talking to?!" A sweet voice calls from upstairs. Addy.
"Some fucking fan girl found their way into our house! I swear I don't know her!" He defends aggressively.
No way. No fucking way. Am I talking to the real Billie Joe? How can he see me? Oh my God.
"It's-it's you" I stutter.
"Yeah yeah I'm Billie Joe Armstrong, now get the fuck out of my house!" He furiously points towards his door. "Didn't anyone ever teach you to knock?"
"No..." I nod my head in denial. "It's the real you. It's the real Billie Joe. How can you see me?" I ask so curiously.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Billie Joe! What is going on down there?" Addy cries out again.
"Come see for yourself!" He hollers back.
A few moments later and the beautiful Adrienne descends the staircase, wearing a black summer dress and flowers in her hair. Her head cocks around in confusion, but she remains silent.
Billie glares right at me as I do the same right back at him.
"What nerves, you can just stand there and look me in the eyes like that after I fucking kicked you out of my house. Who the fuck do you think you are?" He screamed.
"Billie?" The shakiness in Addy's voice was unsettling.
"What?"
"Um...who are you talking to?"
Both of us quickly fling our attention to Addy, who is staring in my general direction. Billie's face grew red with anger and embarrassment.
"I'm talking to this shit head!" He directs at me. "Breaking into our house midday. Bullshit!"
Addy's head shakes in denial and in worry.
"Billie...there's no one there."
Now his eyes grow wide as he combs his fingers through his hair nervously. I softly grin at his misperception.
"Are you serious Addy? She's standing right in front of us!" He notices my smile. "Why the fuck are you smiling?! This isn't funny, dumbass!"
"Oh my God!" Addy begins to freak out with her hands over her mouth. "Are you seeing things, Billie? What drugs have you taken? Are you on acid again?"
"NO!" He defends. "I haven't taken anything, I swear! I fucking swear! There's a girl in our house," he begins to tear up. "And she's standing right there! Who the fuck are you?"
I clear my throat.
"My name is Layla. Layla Storme. You may have heard of my name before," I reveal, realizing he has had some experiences with me in the past. "Maybe in your dream or something. You, in the flesh, probably don't know who I am. But I am good friends with another part of you. Another part of your soul, if you will. He knows me. He will vouch for me. Just let him in. Let him see. Let him remember. And I promise you won't be let down."
Billie stood transfixed on me, not even blinking as I spoke.
"Billie...Billie there's no one there. Billie? Talk to me!" Addy begged.
"Layla?" Billie questioned aloud. "You're Layla?"
"Layla?!" Addy freaked out.
"You're not on drugs," I continue to speak. I needed to tell him as much as I knew before my time was up. "You're having a vision of me having a vision of you. I've seen you before like this, but you were incapable of seeing me. You and I are bonded somehow. I don't know how and I don't know why. You've been going through a lot of shit lately. You aren't alone. Just please, be kind to the people you love. Treat them with respect. Other Billie would want you to know that."
"Other Billie?" He retorts.
"The Billie that loves. The one who doesn't get angry but treats everyone so sweetly. He expects better from you."
My whole body began shaking harshly.
"I don't have much time here, but please remember what I said. Do it for yourself. For the other Billie. For your loved ones."
"No wait, don't go!" He reached out. "I need to know more!"
"What's going on?" Addy flipped.
The shaking increased. My body seemed to spin out of control as the scene went black and I was vigorously awaken into reality.