Brink of your Vision

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            Billie wasn't there when I went back. He wasn't there for the rest of the day. It was a long one too. I couldn't go out. There was a lack of interest in me for calling friends or reaching out to anyone. The only place I was comfortable was in my bed. It was 85 degrees out, but it didn't stop me from cuddling in my blankets and pretending something better would come along.

The hours crawled by and my room got darker as the night inched in. My mom came in to check in on me, but each time the only thing she found was me huddled under my blankets.

"Can I get you anything?"

"No."

"Want a snack?"

"No."

"Will you come eat dinner with us soon?"

"I can keep you company, but my appetite has sort of diminished."

No, I hadn't popped another Adderall, but I wish I had. My mind kept wandering from thought to thought, keeping me anxious and fidgety. Longview was pretty much summing up my life right now. "I locked myself in my own cell and I lost the key." This was how it felt to be depressed. To feel alone. I doubted I would ever see the day these feelings would take over, but now that they have, all I can do is wait.

Seconds turned into minutes as minutes turned into hours. Before I had even known it, it was around 10 pm. My parents had offered to take Tuesday off of work to spend time with me, but that would have accomplished nothing. In the long run, I knew I was screwed.

"Go to sleep," I whisper to myself. My thoughts raced, leaving me mentally exhausted, yet incapable of passing out. After tossing and turning for another hour, I decided to turn on some Green Day to help calm me down.

"Hey Gloria? Are you standing close to the edge? Lookout to the setting sun, the brink of your vision, eternal youth is the landscape of the lie."

I tried so hard to believe his words were being spoken to me, but somehow things felt so distant. It's just a recording. How could this possibly ease my mind?

The music continued to play as my head ached more with each chord. Sweat started dripping off my body and I could not sit still. It felt like some sort of heat stroke came over me. I quickly got up to turn on the AC, but nothing was cutting it. My toes felt numb and my chest felt cold. An anxiety attack in the midst. It wasn't until then when I realized how badly I needed those Benzos. My feet were nearly itching to go through the trash to find the pills I had tossed earlier, but by now they were probably adorned with nasty food and garbage.

Hours crawled by, one by one. At around 2 am I knew there was no way I would be sleeping alone. Was I supposed to wait it out for a few days until sleep would naturally overcome me, or do I get some more pills? I wanted so badly to make Billie happy and to stay clean, but to know how it feels to not sleep for so long...it's painful.

I sat up on my bed and began fidgeting with my thumbs. My phone on the nightstand seemed to be calling out my name for me to text Damion and set up a date for a little deal.

"No more Adderall," I told myself, while staring at my phone for a little while. "Just some benzos to sleep, that's not a crime. I have insomnia."

Aggressively my head shook in denial.

"No," I went against myself. "I need to get off those things. I can't rely on them anymore. The more I use them, the worse I get."

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