(Once again, this '*' means POV change)
I hope you realize how fond I am of you.
I truly do.
My fondness for you has grown immensely.
Call it love, if you may.
I'm in love with you and I trust you.
I'm just too scared to say it.
I've been abandoned and unwanted too many times.
You don't seem to love me back.
But that's okay.
I'm simply happier when you're around.
Romance or friendship.
I'll find a way to move on one day.
Hopefully.
~
"Are we going on a adventure?" Jaxon excitedly asks as I strap him into his car seat in the back.
I smile fondly at him and ruffle his hair, "Yes we are Winnie."
"Who's Winnie?" Phil asks and stands closely behind me with a questioning look.
I look back at him and chuckle, "It's Jaxon. Jaxon's Winnie." I smile.
Phil fake pouts, "How come I don't have a nickname?"
"I'll think of one." I wink.
Phil seems to hide his face behind his fringe, "Okay, Bear." He says and walks into the seat next to Jaxon. I guess I'm driving.
"Wait, what?" I ask and get into the driver's seat.
"What is it Bear?" I look at him through the rear view mirror and start the car.
"What, is that my nickname?"
"I like Danny more." Jaxon butts in.
"Me too." I agree.
"Oh well, I'm calling you Bear."
"Fine." I pout and begin to drive.
I notice a sparkle in Phil's eyes as I pull out of the neighborhood.
~
"Jaxon, wake up." I coo as I lightly shakes his shoulder.
I notice Phil looking over at Jaxon with sleepy eyes. He's falling asleep as well. Great.
Phil's eyes close completely and his head bobs to the left and falls onto his shoulder. Jaxon finally wakes up and I unbuckle his seatbelt, picking him up and out of the car.
Now it's time to tackle waking up Phil who is definitely asleep now. I look over at him with a longing look. He looks so peaceful. Every worry he has is gone, leaving an angelic face with no lines of thought or stress.
I glance over at the front door of my house. I'll have Jaxon meet Jamie as I get Phil out of the car. Looking back at Phil one more time, I take Jaxon's small hand into mine and walk into my house.
"Jamie?" I call out.
"Who's Jamie?" Jaxon sleepily asks.
"She's my sister." I smile at him as he rubs his eyes and yawns.
Jaxon nods.
"Yes, Danny-boy?" She calls from her room.
Wait. Jamie can't meet Jaxon. Phil probably doesn't want her to know about him. Phil doesn't even know about Jamie. I didn't think this through at all.
"Phil's staying the night." I say with a scared tone.
"That's fine. I'll stay in my room then."
I let out the biggest sigh of relief, "Okay, thank you."
No response comes. I quickly set Jaxon down on the couch and put on Winnie The Pooh.
"Stay here while I get Phil, okay?" I say.
"O-kay." Jaxon mumbles.
I lightly smile and kiss his forehead before jogging out of my house and back to the car. Phil's still sleeping. I walk up to his side of the car and open up the door, unbuckling his seat belt.
I place my hand on his shoulder and stare at him before lightly shaking his shoulder, "Phil, wake up." I whisper into his ear.
Phil shudders but stays asleep, "Phil." I drag out the i and continue to shake his shoulder.
I place a soft kiss onto his neck in hopes that it'll wake him up, "It's time to wake up. We're at my house."
"I don't want to wake up." Phil whispers and grabs my arm, forcefully tugging on it which makes me fall on top of him.
"Phil." I giggle.
He wraps his arms around tightly my waist and I stare at his eyelids. His eyes spring open and my breath hitches in the back of my throat. Dull brown collides with bright blue. Is there anything more beautiful than that?
"Phil..." I breathe out.
I notice that he's chewing his lip in deep thought, "Yes?" He whispers, "Is something wrong?"
"N-No not at all..."
He smirks, "Good." Phil pulls me closer and peck my cheek before cuddling into me.
A smile forms onto my face as a draw patterns on Phil's chest, "I can hear your heartbeat." I whisper.
"Is that a good thing?"
"Depends..."
"How does it sound?"
I look up at Phil, "Beautiful."
~
I walk inside my house with Phil at my side. Then, everything comes crashing down. I forgot that Phil's sleepy. He more than likely won't remember this. It was a sleepy thought of his to cuddle me like that. He probably hated it. Tears fill in my eyes but I just plaster on a smile as I notice Phil looking over at me.
Just don't mention it. Act like it never happened. I think to myself. It'll be best that way.
"Lion?" Phil calls as we walk into the living room.
Jaxon's sprawled across the sofa. He grabs onto his Piglet and Winnie tightly as his right cheek is smushed. He lightly snores and latches onto a blanket he found.
I look over at Phil but he's already looking over at me, "You go wake him." He says.
"But I don't want to." I quietly say and look back over at Jaxon.
"He can't sleep on the couch. It'll hurt his baby neck." Phil smiles.
I giggle, baby neck. I walk over to Jaxon and carefully wrap my arms around him before picking him up, making sure to keep the blanket wrapped around him and that he has his plushies.
"Those are like his favorite toys." Phil says as he flops Piglet's ear.
"I know." I proudly smile and kiss Jaxon's cheek as his head lays limp on my shoulder.
~
"You and Jaxon can take the bed, I'll take the floor." I explain as I rest Jaxon down onto the middle of the bed.
"One problem." Phil says, ignoring my suggestion.
"What?" I question.
"We have to put Jaxon's pajamas." He answers.
I sigh, "This is going to be a difficult task."
"Can't be that hard." Phil says and sits next to Jaxon.
I sit in on the other side of him and carefully lift him up, "I don't want to wake him."
"He won't wake up. He's a heavy sleeper. Like me."
"I've noticed." I snort and my mouth twitches into a frown for a second, remembering the previous events.
Phil lifts Jaxon's tiny arms up and I pull his Toy Story shirt up, "It's stuck over his giant head." I laugh.
"Hey, that's my giant head." Phil pouts.
"You've grown into your giant head. He hasn't."
"I guess your right." He sighs.
"I have to be careful of his baby ears." I slightly stick out my tongue out of the side of my mouth as I carefully pull the shirt over his sleeping face.
"Baby ears?" Phil lifts an eyebrow up.
"What? You can say baby neck but I can't say baby ears?" I defensively question.
"That's exactly what I'm saying."
"You're stupid."
"You're stupider."
"You're the stupidest." I stick my tongue out and Phil rolls his eyes with a smile.
"Why do girls find baby shoes so adorable?" I ask as I slide Jaxon's mini green crocs off.
"I don't know. It's weird. It's just a tiny version of the shoes we wear. No one goes all gaga for tiny food."
"Because no one likes tiny food. Food is meant to be big for mass consumption." I say with a serious tone.
"That's such a Dan thing."
"The one and only." I smirk and wink.
"Okay, this is probably the toughest bit." Phil says and chews his lip as he stares at Jaxon's pants.
"Why is that? We're just taking off his pants." I say.
"His diaper can possibly go with them."
"Baby penis." I snort.
"Dan!"
I loudly laugh, "Sorry."
I grab at Jaxon's pant line, "Okay, 3, 2, 1, pull!" I pull down Jaxon's pants. The diaper didn't come with them, "See, I told you it wouldn't be difficult." I snicker and pull Jaxon's pants over his tiny feet.
"This bit may be." Phil says and grabs out Jaxon's Winnie The Pooh pajamas.
"Jesus Christ he is obsessed with Winnie The Pooh." I breathe out.
"Wonder where he gets the influence from." Phil smirks and I duck my head.
I take the light yellow jumper with Piglet and Pooh and slide his arms through the arm holes before carefully sliding the shirt over his head, "Do they make this jumper for teenage boys?" I ask as Phil stares at me.
He smiles, "You can probably find something in the girls section somewhere."
I sigh, "I said teenage boys not teenage girls."
"Then you're out of luck but, I bet you do own a girl shirt. I've seen your wardrobe." I blush, "One Direction." He mumbles.
"Hey! I didn't know it was a girls shirt."
"Mhm, sure."
"Shut up." I cross my arms.
"Make me." He smirks.
"I would strangle you but not when Jaxon's here." I say.
"Rude."
"I never said I was the nicest person."
Phil chews his lip for a second, "True."
"What are you thinking of?" I ask as he continues to chew his lip.
Phil frustratingly sighs, "I wish I didn't have this stupid habit. I can never think without someone knowing and asking what I'm thinking about." He says with annoyance.
"Sorry." I whisper and look down.
Phil looks at me with a guilty expression but tries to lighten the mood, "Time to put on Jaxon's pants." He smiles.
I put back on a light fake smile, still hurt by Phil's words. I need to stop asking him what he's thinking. He's annoyed of me and I don't like it. I knew he'd get tired of me one day but not this early...
"Dan?" Phil quietly says.
I look over at him, "Hm?"
"What are you thinking about?" He asks with a serious face.
"How did you...?"
Phil smirks, "I know your ways just as well as you know mine. You get a certain look when you think but, it changes when you think about sad or dark things."
"I don't understand how you know so many little things about me." I say in disbelief.
Phil shrugs, "I closely pay attention to people a really care about."
That caught me off guard and everything that I was thinking abruptly stops in my mind. Phil cares about me? Truly cares about me?
My true smile returns and all I want to do is cuddle Phil and litter his face with soft kisses. Only that fantasy can't become reality.
"Thanks, Phil. I really care about you too." I quietly say.
Phil's smile widens and I notice that his body slightly moves forward before stopping and going back to how he was before. What was that all about?
"Now, time to put Jaxon's pajama bottoms on since that all that mushy stuff is out of the way." Phil carefully puts on Jaxon's pajama bottoms but my eyesight can't seem to break away from Phil's face.
I study it like I've done once before. I pay more attention to every little detail. The way his lips are normally in a small smirk if he doesn't force them into a frown or grin. His eyes are rounder than mine with flecks of gold, kind of a green color. It depends on the lighting really. His Adam's apple is much more prominent than mine. He also has slight stubble where I don't have any facial hair.
His hair is a mat ebony and I can only imagine how good it'd look in a proper quiff. It may be even more attractive than the fringe he has now if that's even possible. No matter how much I try, I can't find one flaw about Phil's looks. None. He may be a little tall but I am too and it works out perfectly.
"You're thinking again." He whispers with a knowing smile. The one he had when he knew that I had been watching him but asked anyway.
"Yeah...and?" I push on.
"You've been thinking a lot."
"So have you."
"We may be thinking the same thing..."
"More than likely not." I say with a pained expression, "Anyway, I need to go to the bathroom. You can change while I'm gone." I quickly say and walk out of the room.
I run into the bathroom and lock the door behind me, "What the hell was that? Dan, you need to stop this. You don't love Phil. It's just your brain messing with you. No matter how perfect he is- god dammit!" I run my fingers messily through my fringe.
"Okay, we're going to try this again." I sternly say, and look at myself dead in the eye with my mirror twin, "Y-You d-don't l-l-l-lov-" I choke on a sob and break down into tears, falling to the ground.
I can't do this. I don't want to love Phil but I can't make myself not love him. The heart wants what it wants and it wants Phil but god dammit, it can't have Phil. I can't allow it to have Phil. I need to stop yearning over Phil and crying over Phil. He doesn't want me and I have to face the facts. I need stop these stupid fantasies and let life be life without my crush. More than my crush, my love. My stupid love that I have for stupid Phil. Phil, the friend. Nothing more, nothing less.
"Dan?" I hear a quite voice ask my from behind the door, "Why are you crying? Can you open up the door, please?"
Their voice his calm and soothing. Something takes over me and I slowly sit myself up and unlock the door. Phil walks into the bathroom with only a shirt and boxers on. He crouches down and sits in front of me, crossing his legs. We sit in silence for a little before he finally speaks.
"I was getting dressed then heard you crying. You know you can tell me anything if something's bothering you..."
I sniff and quickly wipe away my tears, "I know. It's just...complicated. Some things are finally coming into clear view and they're all crashing down. It just became too much for me." I stare at Phil's hands as he twiddles his fingers and bring my knees to my chest.
"I know how you feel." He sadly says and leans forward to put his head on my shoulder.
I look down at his black mop for hair and loudly sigh. Everything's definitely not going to be okay but I guess I'm fine with how things are now. I'm just waiting for Phil to leave me and have this whole friendship come crashing down. Maybe he feels this fear towards me as well. He thinks that I'll abandon him. I won't and never will. I hope he realizes that.
I place my head on top of his and sit in silence for a while. I can tell that he's biting his lip without seeing his face. We're in a quite room, of course he's thinking. I mean I'm thinking but, I'm thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking abo- I'm just gonna stop because that could go on forever.
"What are you thinking about?" He asks me.
A smirk creeps onto my face, "People, or one person."
"Who are they?"
"Not saying. What are you thinking about?"
"A person."
"Who are they?"
"Not saying."
My smirk turns into a smile and I have the urge to kiss Phil's head but quickly turn the thought down. Maybe some platonic-ness will be fine but Phil is calling all the moves on that. I'd more than likely cross the line if I was able to control that aspect of our friendship.
"We should get out of the bathroom now." Phil says.
I nod and move my head off of his so he can move his head off of my shoulder. Phil's the first to stand up and waits for me as I follow him. He takes a glance over to the big mirror before walking out of the bathroom, me right behind him.
"Daddy?" Jaxon croaks as we walk into my room together.
"Hey Lion. I'm sorry for leaving the room. I had to check on Bear." I lightly smile at the pet name, "Are you okay?"
Jaxon yawns and rubs his eyes before nodding, "Mhm."
Phil walks over to him and pecks Jaxon's cheek, "Good. Now go back to bed. You need to sleep if you want to grow up to be big and strong." Phil lightly orders.
Jaxon instantly lays back down and wraps the blanket back around himself, clutching onto his Pooh and Piglet.
Phil stands up straighter and casually removes his tshirt. I take small glances at his bare chest. My eyes follow the slight lines that he has for a 6 pack. Phil grabs a Pokemon shirt and puts it on. I internally sigh then mentally smack myself for acting the way I am. Phil doesn't bother to put on pants and slides into my bed on the right side of Jaxon.
I look down at the ground and cross my arms. I'm still scared to get undressed in front of Phil and I find it extremely frustrating that I can't just casually change in front of him like he can in front of me.
Suddenly, two hands are being placed on my shoulders and I look up to see Phil, "I don't see why you always hesitate to get undressed in front of me." He says in disbelief, "You have nothing to be ashamed of."
"I can walk out of the room if you want but, Dan, I'm just Phil. Maybe I'm not as close to you as you are for me since you have Chris and PJ-"
"Don't say that. You mean just as much to me as I mean to you." I quickly shoot out, "And don't you ever think differently."
"Then why do you have a problem with this?"
Because it's awkward when you get undressed in front of someone you're trying to un-love at the moment.
"I don't know."
Phil sighs, "Do you want me to leave the room?"
"No, it's just...you're fine." I stumble out.
"Are you sure?" He pushes further to make sure that I really am okay.
"Yes." I say sternly to reassure him.
To show him that I don't care if he's in the room or not, I pull my shirt up my torso and over my head and let it fall to the ground. I stare into Phil's eyes the whole entire time. I don't want to be the baby that's too self conscious to get undressed.
I notice Phil looking at my bare torso up and down. I shrink back a little as the fear begins to consume me. So much for trying to prove a point.
"See? I don't see why you're so self conscious." He truthfully tells me.
I look down at my stomach then back at Phil's, "Maybe because you have a faint six pack." I poorly explain for an excuse.
Phil rolls his eyes, "Come on, Dan. So many girls would prefer your body over mine."
I lightly shudder. Girls.
Maybe Phil was speaking for himself.
I can't help the small blush that rises in my cheeks and I quickly hide my face behind me fringe. Phil may be lying but I'm just going to act like he isn't.
Phil walks back over to the bed and gets in before cuddling Jaxon. Jaxon buries his head into Phil's chest and let's out a mumble of something.
I let out a quite sigh before before undoing my skinnies and pulling them off of my legs. You know what? I'm sleeping in only my boxers. Phil has made my feel this way and I want to cherish how I feel right now. Even if it means waking up and being scared shitless.
With my self confidence up high thanks to Phil's remarks, I walk to the other side of the bed and lay down on the left side of Jaxon. I pull the duvet over me and happily take in the warmth it gives. Jaxon grabs onto two of my fingers since his whole hand can't fully grab mine and I smile.
"Goodnight Danny." He tiredly says.
"Goodnight Winnie."
"Goodnight Bear."
I smirk, "Goodnight Sunshine."
So much for getting over Phil.
~
I hear shuffling coming from next to me but don't bother to wake up. I'm too warm and content to open up my eyes. Without thinking, one of my eyes slowly opens and I see Jaxon sitting up with a confused face.
I smile at him and sit up as well to show him that I'm awake as well. Jaxon looks at me and I wrap my arms around him.
I kiss the top of his head, "Hey Winnie." I quietly say so I don't wake up Phil.
"Hi Danny."
"Are you still tired?"
Jaxon shakes his head, "No but, where's daddy?" He says with a scared tone.
I look over at Phil's spot and see that he isn't there, "He may just be in the bathroom. Do you want to come with me to see where he is?"
Jaxon nods and struggles to crawl out of bed. I get out of bed with Jaxon and scoop him up in my arms as I walk out of my room. I notice that Phil isn't in the bathroom as I approach the door and my face contorts into confusion.
"Maybe he's in the living room."
I take Jaxon over to the living room before I hear voices. It's like the other day all over again. I hide with Jaxon from the voices except this time, I'm not going to hide from them. This is my house.
I let Jaxon down, "You stay here, okay?"
"But I wanna see daddy."
I sigh, "You can see him in a little. Just, stay here. Please?"
"Okay." Jaxon sadly says.
"Danny didn't tell you? I'm his old friend. We go way back. Back when Dan used to-"
"Ryan?" I say with anger and disbelief as I walk into the room.
He raises his eyebrows at my attire but I just shrug off the look he gives me. It's not the right time to be a self conscious baby no matter what he'll accuse me of doing.
"Dan, hi." He happily says and smiles.
I grimace at him, "What are you doing here? I snap.
"Oh, just dropping by again but, little Phil over here opened up the door. I was just telling about how you used to be, that's all."
Horror fills me and I begin to shake as my eyes grow wide, "You didn't?"
"No, I didn't tell him that. I was about to before you dropped in. What a shame that you still haven't told him." Ryan sighs, "I shall be on my way then since you two seem to be...busy."
*
Ryan walks out of the room and Jaxon instantly comes running in, wrapping his arms around my legs, "Hi daddy." He happily says, "I was scared. I didn't know where you were."
"Sorry Jaxon." I say, my mind clouded with multiple thoughts. All of those thoughts leading to Dan.
What was Ryan talking about and why was Dan so scared? His face was full with terror and he was visibly shaking. I was scared that he was going to pass out. All of the color drained from his face within a second.
Dan's still shaking and the color hasn't returned to his face yet. Jaxon let's go of my legs and I instantly walk over to Dan with a blank expression. I'm unsure how to act in this situation. I'll just go with what usually helps Dan calm down. Just hug him tightly and calmly look at him.
My arms wrap around his fragile frame and he buries his head in my chest, letting out a loud sob.
"Danny?" Jaxon asks from behind me.
"Not now Lion, Bear's not feeling well right now. You can go back to his room if you want." Jaxon walks out of the room, leaving me and Dan alone.
"Bear?"
He lets out another loud sob and I quietly hush him, "It's okay...it's okay."
"How do you know that it's going to be okay?" He asks and grabs my shirt tightly.
"I don't know."
"You weren't supposed to know." He cries.
"I don't know what you're talking about. Ryan didn't tell me anything." I reassure him.
"I know but now I have to tell you."
"You don't have to tell me anything." I sternly say.
"I want to tell you but I'm too scared to." He lets out another cry.
"Bear, please calm down." I beg.
I let go of him and hold him out arms length, "Look at me."
Dan slowly looks up with soaked cheeks and red eyes. I wipe away his tears and stare at his scared and saddened face, "You're fine, Bear. No matter what you did, it's not going to affect how I view you. You accepted me and my mistakes, now it's time for me to accept yours.
"My mistakes are much worse and harmed my body in many different ways..." He whispers.
"What do you mean by that?"
Dan shrugs my hands off of his shoulders and turns around so I can't see his face, only his bare back. He crosses his arms and squirms around as he speaks.
"I used to- I, um," He lets out a shaky breath and I wrap my arms around his shoulders, burying my head into his shoulder.
His collarbone's prominent against my face. I notice that he instantly relaxes and I'm happy that I can do that for him. I can help him relax and calm down so easily. I lift my face up and just place my chin on his shoulder instead.
"You can tell me anything." I whisper.
I notice that Dan lightly smiles and I smile as well, "I know...this is just hard for me to say."
I nod and nestle my face into the crook of his neck one more time to reassure him that I'm here and listening.
"I wasn't the best person after my parents passed." He deeply breathes in before continuing, "I became an awful person. I was depressed, mad, an awful bully, and..." I reassuringly hug him tightly, "I was an alcoholic and did many drugs." His voice cracks.
My whole body stiffens against Dan's and my head lifts off of his shoulder. I didn't expect that. Dan used to do...drugs and drink? He would harm his body so awfully like that? Why? Why?
I know he was sad and depressed after his parents' passing away but that shouldn't give him a passage way to an awful time in his life.
"You hate me...." He whispers, his voice wavering.
"No, no, no, no, no. Dan, I don't hate you. I could never hate you. Please don't think like that."
I say and turn him around to him so he can face me, "Then what is it, Phil? What? Are you angry, disappointed, disgusted?" He contorts his face.
"Stop." I sternly say.
He flinches at my tone but I continue, "I am not disgusted and I am far from angry. Yes, I'm a little disappointed but that doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm not ashamed of you. You're not who you used to be. You've mattered and changed and you're happier now."
Tears fill Dan's eyes again but he's lightly smiling, "Thank you." He whispers, "Y-You don't understand how happy I am."
Tears fill my eyes as well and I pull him into a tight hug, burying my head into his shoulder and faintly kissing one of his collarbones that I've come to adore in the past few hours. He buries his head into the crook of my neck. His arms loosely wrap around my neck as my arms loosely wrap around his waist.
"Thank you for accepting me." He whispers and places his lips to my neck.
I smile, "Thank you for being so easy to accept." I tell him.
~
WOW OK THIS IS ALMOST AT 5K WORDS. That may not be a lot of pages but it's about 1,000 - 2,000 more than I usually write.
I hope you enjoyed this update since it is basically so many emotions into one big huge ball of blah. Bye. -J