The weight of the things that remain unspoken...
*****
"New York? How long for?" Ally has been interrogating me since I stormed into the apartment, rushing over to my closet and throwing random clothes on my red suitcase. All she got from me was a few monosyllables and more than one fulminating glare of misplaced rage.
I stare at the messy pile of clothes resting inside the case and I am trying to rearrange my thoughts, so I can forget that disgusting scene I witnessed earlier in order to figure out what else I might need for this trip.
After a while I realize how impossible that is and I just zip the suitcase closed thinking that whatever I forget I can always buy there, or borrow from my mother. I texted her as soon as I hung up with Caleb to let her know that I was coming. She knew something was up but she seemed happy to hear the news anyway.
Ally is still there, quiet but lurking at a safe distance, waiting for me to talk. So I just look at her for a moment and I answer her latest question.
"A week... Maybe more" I say as I wipe the tear that just slipped away against my will.
I have been crying since I saw them kissing but I made sure I was done before I walked into my house, knowing that I wouldn't be able to explain myself to my roommate or my father. Luckily for me, the latter was nowhere to be found so I was only being stalked by the former.
"What's going on?" she asks taking a hesitant step inside my bedroom. Her voice tries to be soothing and she acts like she's dealing with a wounded animal caught in a barbed wired fence that will try to run if she gets too close too soon, hurting itself even further. "Is this about Mr. Hendriks leaving England?"
I had completely forgotten about that until she brought it up and it only manages to fuel the fire burning within me. Everything seems to be going straight to hell; the life I thought I was building for myself in this city is slowly crumbling down around me, brick by brick.
"No, Ally. It's just a job thing" I respond rolling my eyes in a fruitless attempt to minimize what Joseph's departure really means to me. "Kind of last minute, but... What can you do?"
I don't know if she buys my whole carefree act and to be honest, I don't really care, but she just turns around and walks away from my bedroom. I keep quiet for a few seconds before I hear her doing something in the kitchen and feel a tiny smile creeping up my lips at the thought that she might be getting ready to bake something delicious.
I look around my room and closet one more time and as I prepare my carry-on luggage for the plane I write a text message to Caleb asking him to send me the details of the flight as soon as he gets them.
I see the notification from five missed calls flashing on the screen but I just throw the phone over my shoulder and onto the bed.
Of course he is calling me; he must be desperate to explain himself to me but I don't want or need to hear anything coming out of his mouth.
That dreadful sequence plays back in my mind once more and this time, it makes me crouch into a ball. With my back against the mattress, knees bended against my chest and arms wrapped around them, I hide my face between my legs as I try to keep myself in one piece.
Her perfume... That was the worst thing. That stupid scent I've been missing for weeks, there it was, flowing from her skin and hair. The very first thing I noticed about him was her. She was all over him when we met.
There she was, pointing out once again at the thing I was trying to forget. The one single thing that I know won't let me see passed this or listen to any of his explanations; because I feel cheated not only by him but also by my own senses. And I can't help but asking myself if all of this was a lie or a sick and twisted illusion that my brain and heart played on me.
"Care for some cup..."
When Ally walks back into my room I jump back to my feet, pretending like I was just searching for something under the bed. By mere reflex, I bring my hands to my cheeks to dry off the tears but to my own surprise, I find that there are none. And on the corner of my eye I see my roommate getting closer and taking a seat at the edge of my bed. Her hands play idly with a scarf lying on it and her eyes are fixated on it.
"I know better than just ask you what's wrong, Clem. But if you want to talk..." she begins to say before getting cut off by the sound of the doorbell. Her brow furrows in a curious bearing as her head turns around towards the door and then back at me. "I thought your dad had keys"
"He does. It's not my dad" I say as I walk pass her to go answer the door. I have a pretty clear idea about who might be at the other side. "Please, whatever you do or hear, stay here"
When I leave the room, the doorbell rings again, this time followed by a few angst-ridden knocks and she looks as confused as she can ever be. When I reach for the door I take a deep breath to steady my pulse before I swing it open, and the smell of cupcakes being baked fill me up to the brain.
His face is contorted in a shocked expression. I bet he didn't think that I was going to open up without me trying to send him off first and him begging me to listen. He seems out of breath and his clothes are a bit disheveled; like he had been running. I peak outside to look at the elevator and since it is not on my floor, I assume he took the stairs.
He stares at me for a few seconds and I hold his gaze. After a while, when he doesn't seem to recover from the shock or the climb, I speak up.
"Want a glass of water?" I ask with mock concern. "I wouldn't want your shortness of breath keep you from reciting the magnificent speech I'm sure you have prepared for me" Every word rolling out of my tongue drizzles with stone-cold sarcasm and I see him cringe a little.
"Don't be like that" he sighs while clasping both hands to his hips and leaning slightly forwards. "Just..."
"Oh! I'm so sorry! How would you like me to be? I can scream at you and kick you out my house if that's what you want..."
To be honest, I don't know why I haven't just done that by now or why I even opened the door for him to begin with. I guess I am losing my mind or my brain is unequivocally toasted over the load of crap it has been enduring for the past week. Whatever it may be, here we are; face to face but with an invisible yet utterly indubitable gap between us.
"No, I want you to let me talk"
I can't believe I am actually feeling sorry for this man in front of me. For the first time since I can remember, I hear the voice inside my head telling me I should tell him to fuck off while I completely disregard it and move to the side to let him in.
Another look of surprise flashes through his features before he takes a step inside and follows me to the couch where I take a seat, as far from him as possible. When we are both seated, I take a quick look at the corridor where the bedrooms are and there are no signs of Ally anywhere.
Good girl.
"Talk" I urge him with a nod and a wave.
He nervously stumbles through an awfully poor explanation about him asking his ex-girlfriend over to his house to tell her, once and for all, that their relationship was over. He goes along with the details of their conversation but I shoot him a glance letting him know that he can spare me all of that so he cuts to the chase, and now we are at the part where he's standing at his doorstep and she is kissing him, in his own words, out of the blue.
I grumble loudly when he says he didn't see it coming and he insists that he's telling me the absolute truth.
"You didn't seem so taken aback" I remark with a grimace. "You didn't even try to get her off of you, Tom"
"I didn't know what to do! I thought it was an innocent..."
"Let me stop you right there!"
I swear to God, I can't handle this man's ignorance towards everything that goes on around him. I used to think it was cute but now I can only believe that, either he is a complete moron or he just pretends not to see or notice anything just to have a good time and avoid all consequences. Either way, I am done.
"Please, can we just leave this behind?" he asks earnestly.
"I don't think I can" I say without even processing the words coming out of my lips. "Look, everything is completely fucked up right now, Tom. Rose is gone, Joseph is leaving tomorrow..." His eyes are glued to mine and all sort of emotions blaze inside of them. He is scared and dismayed but he remains silent while I talk. "... I was supposed to get married in less than two months and here I am, spending Valentine's Day having an argument with a guy I met a month ago? How did this happen, uh?!"
"A guy?" he huffs with sorrow. "You're actually referring to me as a guy?"
"I'm flying to New York on Monday and I will stay there for a while" I continue. I ignore what he just said to me but I can't help to feel hurt by it. He is not just a guy and I know it. I didn't mean it like that but I won't explain myself if he took it the wrong way. As a matter of fact, it could make all of this a lot easier. "Don't call me, don't text me and don't you even think about showing up there"
I stand up from my spot and he does the same. My hand reaches for his and for a second, his eyes brighten up with some kind of hope until he realizes that I am slowly guiding him towards the door.
"Clementine, please... Don't do this. At least tell me we will talk when you come back!"
I open the door but he is rooted in his place and even though he doesn't try to take a step forward, he definitely has no intentions to recede either. Not unless I give him some kind of reassurance that our door is not entirely closed.
But I can't give him that. I can't give him anything right now.
"Hello everyone!" My dad brushes past me and Tom, carrying a handful of shopping bags. He seems to be in a good mood which I find quite disturbing. The last time I saw him I was storming out of Joseph's place and he was trying to get me to stop and listen. Clearly, he found a much better way to spend his time. "I've spent the entire morning shopping for some stuff for your brothers. Your mother just texted to tell me you are going to New York, so I thought you might them with you. I don't know when I'll be able to go." He only stops talking when he places the bags over the table and takes a good look at both of our faces. "Is everything alright?" he asks with his eyes fixated on Tom.
I feel him stiffen next to me, clearly abashed under my father's scrutiny, and even though he is not my favorite person right now, I put on my best face and try to let him off the hook.
This is between us, and only us. Third parties are not allowed nor necessary.
"Everything's fine, dad. Tom was just leaving"
I turn around to face him again and this time he takes a few reluctant steps back, closer to the door. My father begins to take out the things from the bags and when I am sure that he is not paying attention to us, I place my hand firmly against Tom's chest and I push him gently, but firmly, out of the apartment.
"I won't leave you like this, Clementine. I love you" he says once we are both outside and with the door half closed behind me. His words sting like salt in the wound, but I try not to let it show.
"I am going to New York. And you should go to Los Angeles"
I fight the imperious urge of kissing his cheek as I say to him those last words and I barely win that battle. The last thing I see before closing the door between us is his eyes, which are gleaming with pooled tears.
*****
After my dad showed me all the things he bought for my brothers, we joined Ally in the kitchen as she finished the topping for the cupcakes that were cooling on the counter, and the conversation was kept at a very comfortable level of triviality.
For the last couple of hours we just drank coffee and stuffed our faces while rambling on about movies, TV shows and famous people my dad worked with and Ally felt curious about. At some point, my father tried to move the conversation towards Tom but luckily for me, Ally came to my rescue and changed the subject in a surprisingly subtle manner. What I couldn't avoid as much as I wanted was talking about Joseph.
"I'm not mad at him, dad. How could I? I'm just sad, that's all" The more I think about it now, after making the determination of leaving the city to take my mind off of things and hopefully unburden this heavy heart, I relate perfectly with Joseph's decision to do the same and I am flooded with this urgent need to see him. "We should make him a farewell dinner, don't you think? I need to let him know that I support him no matter what"
My father pats me gently on the shoulder and gives me a small wink of the eye before telling me that he already went ahead and extended him an invitation for tonight. I smile in gratitude and I suddenly realize that we need to start getting the place ready if we want to make a proper meal.
"I have it all under control!"
Ally stops what she was doing and begins to energetically rake the pantry and fridge, taking out a bunch of stuff that weren't there the last thing I checked. I frown at her, wondering when the hell she got the time for groceries and feeling a little guilty for my lack of collaboration in said task.
"Wait a minute... It's Valentine's Day!" I say when I finally fall into that realization. "Aren't you going out with Chris?"
"Uhm..." Ally looks at me with a confused expression on her face and my dad leaves the kitchen rather surreptitiously and mumbling something about forgetting a thing in the other room. "...He left two days ago... Remember I told you? He had to be in Houston by today..."
I have just been honored with the title of the worst friend that has ever lived. If it were physically possible to kick my own ass right now, I would definitely do it. I have been stuck so deep into my own head lately that I've completely neglected the people around me.
"Oh, God! I'm so sorry Ally..." I say in a gasp, rushing my words into a heartfelt apology. I truly feel like crap about my behavior. "I suck!"
"It's okay, really" she reassures me with a shirt-lived chuckle and I see a bit of sadness in her eyes. "You had a lot in your mind with Rose and Tom..." she trails off. At this point, it is obvious that she knows absolutely everything that's going on between the two of us and that only makes me feel even guiltier.
"That is hardly an excuse, Ally. You have been there for me during all this shit and the least I can do is return the favor. How are you? Want to talk about it?"
"There's not much to talk about, to be honest. He had to go and we knew it all along. We had fun and it was great, but I don't think it is going to thrive" she wants to sound confident and strong but I know that deep down, she is hurting. "It was what it was. After all, we barely knew each other"
I look at her with a much more serious glare, arching my eyebrow at her as if I were calling her bluff. I may not be fully aware of what was going on with her the last couple of days, but I did see her before; she was seriously hooked on Chris and so was he. They had no problem with letting it show from the very first moment they met until the night everything became a blur to me.
"Are you seriously going to lie about this to me? I think I can relate to your whole falling-like-an-idiot-after-a-week deal"
We both laugh because it is so much better and less awkward than crying about it and our coffee mugs collide into the most pathetic toast of self-pity.
"You know what? We should go out tonight!" I exclaim with a rather wild enthusiasm. She looks at me a bit doubtfully, but something tells me that all she needs to be fully convinced is a small push. "I actually feel like singing away my spite. You can even pick a few songs for me." I offer.
Ever since she saw the guitar resting on a corner of my room, she has been begging to hear me sing almost in a daily basis, so I know for a fact she won't be able to turn down this opportunity.
Effectively so, her eyes light up when she hears my proposal and before I even hear the massive yes coming out of her lips, I am already calling my friend who owns the pub where I perform sometimes to ask him if there's a chance for me to go in tonight. It is a special date and he might have the stage already booked but, what the hell! I do feel like singing.
"Dad" I call out my father as I rush my way out of the kitchen and he is sitting on the couch, flipping through the channels of my TV, looking all serious and focus on his activity. "Change of plans! We are going out"
Charlie already agreed to my petition, telling me how much of a blessing I was since his main act for the night had just fell through. Of course, I warned him that I might get a little bloomy and angry with my choice of songs for the evening but he was more than willing to let me take over.
At least something is working out tonight. The voice in my mind jokes bitterly and I laugh along with her as I run over across the hall to fill Joseph in with new details of the evening.
A/N:
It is getting really hard for this two. But then again, it all happen too quickly and a fire that burns so bright... Oh, boy! I am getting metaphorical. It's a disease that I will die from.
Votes and comments are deeply appretiated!
Love you.