Chapter Thirty-Seven
Harry’s POV
I followed the dark corridor to Louis’ study, a spot where I knew I could have a few minutes to myself. I clicked closed the double doors and sat down in the large leather chair behind the desk, my eyes scanning the bookshelves which were filled with more stupid knickknacks and picture frames than books. I’d known for a month that Louis would propose to Eleanor, but for some reason the happiness I felt for them was being overshadowed by my own self-pity. Or was it loathing?
I fucked up. All of these years, we’ve been careful to stay grounded, to stay normal. I didn’t let myself believe that I was different or privileged. But, reality carried on without me, and even though I didn’t realize it, I had gotten very used to having my way. When was the last time someone had told me ‘no’? I couldn’t honestly recall. I wanted Allie so badly. And I just expected to get her. Now that I’ve lost her…I’m just…reeling.
I pulled my phone from my pocket and typed her name onto the screen. I am surprised there aren’t divots in the plastic from the number of times I’d done it, failing to press the call button most times. Tonight was a special occasion. I closed my eyes as the line rang, hoping the words would just come to me once I heard her voice. “You’ve reached Allison Page…” She didn’t answer. I didn’t hang up. The tone sounded and I took a breath. “Allison.” I said slowly. “Please.” Was all I managed before ending the call and shoving the phone back into my pocket.
Roxy’s POV
The sound of the waterfall in the garden wasn’t helping matters. I walked quickly toward the powder room to find the door closed, light spilling out from under it. “Shit.” I muttered. I shifted my weight back and forth between my feet, hoping to will away the urge to pee. It was no use. I went off toward the master suite, certain El and Lou wouldn’t mind. Their room was dark except for a lamp on the bedside table. You could tell which side of the bed that Louis slept on, the floor next to it littered with magazines and notepads. Eleanor’s nightstand was perfectly arranged; a stack of novels with a photo of her and Louis on some random beach displayed on top, a small un-lit candle.
The sound of my heels echoed on the marble tile, as I hiked up my skirt and sat down, feeling instantly relieved. The music from the yard was loud, which made me feel like I was peeing in the fanciest of nightclub bathrooms. I washed up and tucked a few fly-away hairs back behind my ears before heading back out, now able to focus on getting Niall onto the dance floor for some slow jams. We’d see if I couldn’t convince him to make it an early night.
“Oh! Hey Harry.” I said, surprised to see him as I stepped out of the bathroom, sitting on the edge of the bed. “It’s all yours.” I smiled.
“Thanks.” He said softly. He didn’t get up. His elbows rested on his thighs as he hunched over slightly, his hands clasped together. I thought I may have interrupted him.
Harry’s POV
“Everything okay?” She said quietly, taking a step back away from the door and toward me. I twisted my watch around on my wrist before forcing a smile and looking up at her.
“Yeah, Rox. I’m good.” I said. “You all right?” She nodded. I pushed up off my knees and stood. “Better get back out there, then.” I moved toward the door but she stepped into my path.
“Harry.” She said. Her eyes were looking right through me. “Come on.”
I took another step toward the exit. I’d put off this conversation with everyone else, and I didn’t intend to have it with her tonight. She didn’t budge, and placed her palm flat against my chest. “What’s going on?” she said, the concern in her voice growing stronger with each unanswered question. She quickly closed the door and turned back toward me, folding her arms.
“Let’s have it, then.” She said.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I said. “Excuse me.” I tried to side-step her, but she matched my movement.
“No.” She said. “This ends now. I care too much about you to watch any longer.” She looked up at me, a mixture of sadness, concern and nervousness showing on her face. She didn’t want to do this anymore than I did. “Sit.” She said.
I felt my fists tighten at my sides. The walls were closing in, the words I’d kept stifled for so long bubbling up my throat. If I said what I’d been thinking, it would all be very real, and I wasn’t ready. “Excuse me.” I repeated, this time more harshly. She didn’t move, or even look away. I felt like a drowning man must feel, knowing that a breath of oxygen was just on the other side of that doorway. In unconscious desperation, my hand fell upon her arm and I shoved her aside, hard.
“What the fuck, Harry?” She gasped.
Roxy’s POV
He spun around at the sound of my voice and looked down at his hand, as if he could only verify what had just done that by the feeling of it still remaining in the skin of his palm. I expected this realization would bring on an apology, but instead he seemed to become more angry.
“You still want me to stay and talk to you?” He growled.
“Yes.” I answered immediately. “You can’t keep this up much longer. I can’t see that you’re ready to burst.” He had been slowly turning into a caricature of himself, all of his best and worst qualities exaggerated to the point of distortion. Surely his friends have noticed?
“You don’t know me.” he stated.
“I don’t?” I said. “I’m sorry. Are you not my friend Harry? The guy that three days ago didn’t even try to get out of a lame-ass day spent with me, even though you’re the busiest human on the planet, just because you knew how much I wanted it? You didn’t secretly shove a hundred quid into the tip jar of the girl at Starbucks who got tears in her eyes when you placed our order? You don’t ask Niall to text you when he gets home from a night at the bar? You’ve never stayed up so late with your friends that merely uttering the word “hootenanny” sent you laughing until you peed your pants?” I stepped forward. “That must be some other guy.”
“Maybe it was.” He muttered.
“Oh come off it, Harry. That’s a load of shit. You’re that guy. You always have been.” I paused, struggling to decide if I should mention that letter. For all I know, it was written ages ago. But this trouble he seemed to be having, it felt like a matter of the heart. “I know about her.” I said. I struggled to keep my tone even, knowing he would be out of that door in an instant if he felt like going.
His eyes fell dead onto me. “What?”
Harry’s POV
She was persistent. I had a pretty good feeling that she didn’t actually know about Allie, but had made a good guess. So much of who I am has always been what people don’t know about me. In a world where everyone thinks they know you, keeping a few secrets for myself has been the way I stay sane. Most of the time, it’s little things, like going to see a movie and not telling the lads, even when we go to the cinema together and I sit through the film a second time. This Allie thing started out that way. We reconnected, went out on a few dates, and I didn’t so much as mention her name to the guys, to my mother, to no one. I fell in love. And no one knew it but me.
“What’s her name?” She said.
I drew in a sharp breath and held it. Maybe it was time to let someone else in. I obviously wasn’t doing a spectacular job of keeping my life in order.
“Allie.” I blurted.
“The girl from the bar?” She said. I watched her face as her brain connected the dots. “Your sister’s friend?”
The aching in my stomach resumed, and I instantly regretting saying her name. Roxy must have sensed it, as she stood once more between me and the door.
“Just tell me what happened.” She whispered.
“She won’t talk to me.” I said. As if that were the problem, and not the consequence. I couldn’t even sort my thoughts out well enough to come clean to myself, let alone to Roxy. I felt the frustration grow beneath my skin. There weren’t a few words I could string together to make her understand. I felt my lips part and things begun to spill out. I was out of control.
“Do you know what it’s like?” I choked out. She relaxed her arms to her side, listening. I was pissed at her for making me do this. “Do you know how many girls I’ve slept with?” The words slipped out, hoarse and harsh.
“Harry you don’t have to…”
“I’ve lost count.” I spat. “I pick them up, I take them someplace, and I get to feel good for a little while.” Her eyes glassed over. I kept going. “Their faces, all of their names I quickly forget and never repeat. All I ever see is her.”
Hearing the words made me out to be even more disgusting than I already felt. Roxy’s face held only sadness. She didn’t try to stop me as I pressed toward the door. Everything I touch turns to dust. And now Roxy knows it.
Niall’s POV
If I close my eyes I can picture the very first day that Eleanor came around. She was nervous, and Louis did not let go of her tiny hand. That was years ago, and still it feels like it could have been last week. Time moves so quickly for us. Like in dreams; you might fall asleep and wake up, confused that only a few minutes have crept by, when in dream-world you’ve lived a whole life.
I found her standing in the living room, resting her hands on the sofa back as she looked out the window onto the party that was still in full-swing just beyond the glass. I snuck up behind her and wrapped my arms around her middle. Her body jerked, she turned her head and sighed, almost relieved to find it was me there. She relaxed against my chest as we silently watched the people in the yard for a few moments.
“You have no idea how much I love you.” I whispered into her hair. She said nothing, but pulled my arms tighter around her, as if she needed that closeness to reassure her. She reached back and ran her fingers through the hair at the nape of my neck.
“Hey, you want to cut out of here, make it an early night? We could go back to my place, watch a movie…” I offered.
“Watch a movie, huh?” she giggled.
“Yeah.” I replied. “You know. I’ll put in a movie and we’ll watch the first ten minutes. And then we will stop watching for a while. And then maybe we’ll watch the credits, since that’s your favorite part.” I pushed her hair off to one side and let my lips lay a few kisses between her shoulder blades.
“Can we stay a while longer?” she said quietly.