"So, basically, we are going to be husband-wifey shopping? Well, you know what I mean." Isaac asks, while starting the car.
"Yes. If you don't want to come, I can go with Haley."
"DING, DING, idea! I can chat around with Dylan while you and Haley do your girly thingies. I have to buy some stuff for myself, too. We can have a double date!"
"Isaac, watch your language."
"But you know what I mean. A double shopping group."
"Good idea. I will call Haley."
'Haley. Do you want to come to the mall with me and Isaac? And Dylan, of course. We need to shop for our... Yeah, ok. Great. See ya there. Bye.'
"Yeah, they said they would skip the remaining classes: PE, drawing and music or something. We'll meet them at Starbucks."
When we got there, Haley and I took a Signature Chocolate, while the boys took some maple syrup coffee. We sipped on our drinks and than we made a plan.
"We are going at Pull&Bear first. Than Zara. Than BSB. The New Yorker. Marks and Spencer. Cropp Town. Accessorize. Everywhere." Says Haley, as if she were giving orders to the boys.
"We'll be around. Call if you need us." Dylan says, kissing Haley.
"Bye, Phoebs." Isaac says, deranging my hair like a big brother.
"Bye, have fun."
***
"Haley, this one is so cute!" I say, pointing to a plain, bright yellow dress.
"Try it on. Look, take this T-Shirt. Oh my God, look at these sandals! You need to take these ones! Try these boyfriends. Hmm, your size? Yeah. Oh, look, sky blue Lacoste! It matches your black hair. Oh, look at this bag! It's pale pink! So nice. Now go, go." Haley was maneuvering the pile of clothes and hangers with the ability of a.. Hardcore shopper. She immediately saw the quality things and only picked those up. She was a happy hurricane. "Tell me the budget."
"700."
"Perfect."
I go to the changing rooms and start undressing. I try the yellow dress and the black sandals, so that Haley judges.
"Sweetheart, Isaac will totally fall in love with you if you go around wearing these."
"He is my bestie, not my fiancé."
"Riiight. Go change."
I put on the boyfriend jeans and the T-Shirt.
"So simple, yet so effective. That pale pink bag suits your skin tone. Also, it's very comfortable to wear. It has the shape of a backpack. God, life is beautiful!"
I went to pay those and than Haley dragged me to Accessorize to pick some cute jewelry. We picked a blue necklace and a matching bracelet. This girl has great tastes.
"Now, let's find some elegant blouses."
We went to Zara and chose some white and pale pink velvet blouses.
Than, we saw at another shop a pair of shorts. And another T-Shirt. A few other T-Shirts, actually. After four intense hours, me and Haley were full of shopping bags. She had bought herself a blue bag, some trousers, some shorts and a blouse. Also, with all these, we bought exhaustion.
"Let's. Call. Them." Haley says, gasping for air as we almost collapsed on a bench.
"Isaac, where are you?"
"Starbucks. You won't believe who we ran into."
"My parents? I wouldn't be surprised."
"Someone hot, from your point of view."
"Oh my God, DYLAN O'BRIEN."
"Alex Turner?"
I just hung up.
"So, where the heck are they?" asks Haley, wiping away some sweat from her forehead.
"Umm, do you know Alex Turner?.."
"Yeah, who doesn't? He is so hot."
"Well, he was the weekend thing I told you about..."
I explained Haley everything as fast as I could as she remained speechless for the first time.
"They ran into him at Starbucks."
"Baby, you have to keep your dignity. After all, there's nothing else between you two. Just be strong. I will be there, don't worry. Things will be ok."
For the first time, Haley hugged me. Her eyes became watery as I told her how Alex left and I even noticed sensibility. She was strong and careless. And at the same time sensitive and caring. At that moment, I convinced myself that she is a great friend, even if our personalities differ.
"Thank you, Haley."
"Shh. You have to be the lioness you already are."
We proudly picked our bags up and we decided upon planting on our faces those bitchy smiles the great female characters have in American movies. And so we saw three handsome boys chatting loudly at Starbucks. When he saw us, Alex was the first one to get up.
"Hello, ladies! Need help?"he asks with a fancy smirk.
"No, thank you. We can handle it on our own. Haley, nice to meet you." after she puts the bags down, Haley sticks her hand out for Alex to shake it, but he kisses it instead, making Haley smile in a superior way.
"I will go take your order, ok?" Dylan offers.
"The usual, thanks, Dylan." I say.
"Same." Haley says, pulling out her phone.
Isaac was sipping on his coffee and Alex was just playing with his fingers on the table, trying to catch my eyes. I pretended not to notice. I prayed for Isaac to break the awkward silence by looking insistently at him. Finally, he got my intentions.
"So, Alex. You will be performing at VidCon this year."
"Yeas, that's right."
I saw Haley stare at his jaw bone moving slowly as he talked. I bet she was attracted by that.
"Cool. Me and Phoebe will be there too.."
And so Isaac started telling Alex EVERYTHING.
"....I read her book last night. The best book I have ever read."
"Last night?" Alex interrupts, intrigued.
"Yeah, we watched Teen Wolf together."
Dylan came with our chocolate some while ago, but me and Haley only noticed him now.
"What did I miss?" Dylan inquires.
"Phoebe has written a book." Alex says, as if he were tasting every word.
"Yes. It's called 'The Story of a Simple Soul.' " I say, trying to contain my anger.
"Congrats, Phoebe! That's great!" Dylan says enthusiastically.
"Thank you."
"In fact, this is wonderful. Writing a book at 16. You are a great writer, if so. I would love to read that book." Alex says, sounding like a prince.
"Unfortunately, you will have to wait for it to appear on the shelves, because I need that manuscript to type it before we leave. So I can't borrow it to anyone. Sorry." I say quickly, confidently, making everyone stare at me for a second and than at Alex, waiting for a reply.
"It's fine, Phoebe." He says, accentuating my name. For him, it wasn't over, I was sure...
"So, what brings you here in Ireland?"asks Haley what I actually wanted to ask as well in the following form: 'Why the hell are you in freaking Ireland to ruin my life again?' Thanks, Haley.
"We had some gigs programmed 6 months ago but we had to cancel them so we're back here for two weeks. We have just arrived. Finding the strength to come back to finish the undone was pretty difficult, but I think it was worth it." He says, looking at me as he says the last words.
"Definitely. You have many fans here." I say, trying to change the direction of the conversation a bit.
"Yes, yes... And the fans."
Isaac and Dylan were simply watching perplexed. Isaac was profoundly enjoying this little game of dare. As for Dylan... I am not sure he knows the real story.
"I think we should go. What do you think, boys? Is everything alright, need anything else?" Says Haley, helping me get out of this awkward situation.
"We're good, let's go. I have piano practice today so we have to go, Alex. It was nice seeing you, after all these years. Goodbye!" Isaac says, coming up with a legitimate excuse.
"Yes, Isaac, indeed a pleasure... Goodbye, Dylan, Haley." He shook hands with the boys and than waved at Haley.
"Phoebe, can I talk to you for a sec?" Alex demands.
"Better be a sec." I say, picking up a few shopping bags. He pulls me aside.
"I told you we would meet again. I fired that manager and now I am here. I am sorry, Phoebe, I am sorry. I know it was awful. Will you please forgive me? Could we start all over again...?"
"Are you fucking kidding me? Do you think you can just come here half a year later pretending I will immediately jump on you as if a desperate fan probably would?! It takes a lot more to repay this shitty thing you put me through. God damn it, Alex. You left me in the most heartbreaking way. You could have at least phoned me or anything afterwards, just to make sure I was fine . Maybe I would have forgiven you. But no, you just left, never talked to me again since then and now you are expecting me to jump in your arms like 'Oh, Alex, love of my life, you are back.' Just leave me alone and pretend you don't know me."
"If this is what you want. I thought you'd understand..."
"Understand what? That you hadn't even told me you were leaving before having sex?! Go to hell."
"Ok, Phoebe. You win."
"No, I win nothing. It's just you who's losing. And now, if you don't mind. My friends are waiting for me."
I didn't even wait for a reply. I just went to Dylan, Haley and Isaac who were watching discreetly from a corner. As she saw me, Haley looked affected, pitying me. Dylan had been explained everything because when I came next to him, he gave me a pitying look as well. I just needed to hold on to someone, so I grabbed Isaac's free-of-bags hand, hiding mine in it, feeling the warmth. He knew I only grabbed his hand in moments of pain and fear.
"Phoebs... Just hold on."
We walked hand in hand like Haley and Dylan did. We looked like a couple, me and Isaac.
"He is a bastard, Phoebe..." Dylan says, petting me on the shoulder as we sat down on a bench outside the mall.
"But you are a lioness and lionesses hunt." Haley says in a powerful tone.
"Let's sort our bags out." Isaac says.
After a minute of 'that's mine, that one too', Haley and Dylan gave me a strong hug and said they'll see us at the awarding festivity on Friday.
"Absolutely. Bye." Isaac said, taking me by the hand to the car.
"Thanks for helping me out, Haley."
"Nothing to thank for, Phoebe, my pleasure."
***
"Now you may start crying." Isaac says, opening the car's door for me. I wait for him to get in the car and than say:
"Actually, the only thing I can cry over is that my first guy to have sex with wasn't even my boyfriend and also left me like a douchebag. Otherwise, I'm good."
"Well, my first girl to have sex with was Bethany the whore, so..."
Isaac has this gift of making people laugh out of the saddest and shittiest situations. I remember how we once got lost in Sheffield together because we went to a friend's house and kind of forgotten the way back. We wandered around there for about an hour, clueless of which way to go. I started panicking but he said: 'Nah, screw this! We could obviously live like cave men if nobody else finds us! You can summon some dwarfs and make them fall in love with you like Snow White did. Tell them I am the prince or something and they might give me some food too. Oh, Phoebs, isn't that your house?' He was way taller than me back then, so he was the first to notice my house from where we were standing. I still remember how that answer put a smile on my child face.
"Where are we going now?" asks Isaac, starting the car.
"Well, I want to start typing that manuscript. You don't have piano practice, do you..?"
"Of course not. I want to practice by myself. I should get ready for America, shouldn't I? I should get ready with some parts... Do you want to come over? You can type your manuscript there. You can take Ben, too. You will have live music." Isaac, says, smirking.
"You are really inspired, aren't you?"
"Ok, so let's go to your flat to drop all your bags and take your laptop. I wanna see you dressed up in all those stuff you bought there. Than you can see me in mine."
When we got to my flat, I asked Isaac to put my laptop, its charger, the tablet, the headphones, the iPod and the manuscript in the pale pink bag I bought today. I picked up the yellow dress and the sandals and went in my bedroom to dress up.
"PHOOOOEEEEEEBEEEE! Where the hell is that pink bag?"
"It's in a shopping bag there."
"Oh. I was looking for it in the living room."
"I told you it was new."
Boys will be boys. I get out of the bedroom and notice Isaac's face.
"What, it doesn't suit me well?"
"Suit you well? You look fabulous. Bright yellow makes your hair look even darker. It's wonderful."
"Thanks. I will go change."
After about thirty minutes, Isaac got to see every piece of clothing I have bought. He said that Haley is a real picker.
"Gather all these empty bags. I will put Ben's leash on."
I threw away the paper bags that I carried around my clothes in. I put all the clothes on my bed, took my brand new pale pink bag, checked to see if everything was there (Isaac couldn't always be trusted) and in no time arrived at Isaac's place. Of course, he had to mildly hit the dumpster in front of his house. He only had his license for about 9 months, he wasn't a complete pro.
"God damn it, I always have to hit that dumpster."
We went inside, Ben in my arms and went in the living room, where the piano was. I put the muffin down and installed myself on the couch with the laptop and the manuscript. Isaac sat down at the piano, arranged his papers and started playing a piano version of "Let her go". I forgot to say, Isaac could also sing. He didn't have a natural talent but he could sing a bit. Nobody else except his parents and I knew he could sing.
'... Same old empty feelings in your heart... Love comes slow and it goes so fast...'
I kind of ignored the sadness Isaac was releasing and started typing my manuscript. After about an hour of sad music and intense typing, Isaac made me pay attention:
'... Say something I'm giving up on you... I'll be the one if you want me to... Anywhere I would have followed you... Say something I'm giving up on you!...'
I raised my eyes from my laptop for the first time and looked at him. He had been crying and I didn't even notice.
"Isaac, Isaac. Stop it."
He continued playing, tears streaming down his pale face.
"Isaac." In an instant I was next to him on the pianist chair. I pressed a random key, making him stop.
"Isaac, what's wrong with you? You were so cheerful today." I took him in my arms, stroking his soft hair.
"Today... It's nine years..."
I immediately realized what he was talking about. It's been nine years since his father died.
"And my mom is rolling in the sheets with that son of a bitch who only cares about fucking her. She only married him for money. He bought us this house, he bought me this piano and the fucking car. We went in expensive holidays and now he took my mom on a cruise. But he didn't even want to come to one of my plays. He said he is too busy. He said: I don't have time for you, Isaac. I need to make money. SCREW YOU AND YOUR FUCKING MONEY. Go to hell with your shit money and take mom with you. Son of a bitch, you just want to fuck her. Phoebe, she didn't even care about my opinion in that marriage. Dad wouldn't have done that. Dad loved me. Dad loved me..."
I just held Isaac as he cried, the dim light invading the large living room, forming thin light stripes on the black piano.
"And today I saw Alex and I didn't even see him as my friend anymore, after all this time. We weren't enemies, we were just a bit more than acquaintances. He knew nothing about me. Although he had been my best friend."
"This is life, Isaac... It's meant to be like this..."
"I know but it sucks. It sucks. Seeing people you once cared about and not even feeling anything about them. I hate it, I hate it..."
Poor Isaac was crying so quietly, his head resting on my shoulder, mine slightly bent over his. His long fingers were playing with mine. He was touching my short fingers, trembling.
"Isaac... I am out of words."
"Writers never run out of words, huh?"
We sat in silence, his ragged breaths echoing in the empty house. It's sad how someone as wonderful and sensible as Isaac has to suffer just because he cares. He cares so much about his mom and about his biological dad and even about Alex that he lets himself consume over things that can't be changed. I don't think I could do that. I would just let things go, even if they meant a big deal to me.
"Phoebe, do you love me?"
"Of course I love you, idiot." I said, kissing his forehead, squeezing his hands, just as he usually does with me.
"Okay."
"Isaac, when have you last slept?"
"I have nightmares..."
"Isaac, answer me."
"Three days ago. I have nightmares. I wake up screaming and nobody hears me, Phoebe... Not even my mom."
"You have to get some sleep. Let's get you in bed."
I knew that Isaac had horrible sleeping issues. After his father's death, he didn't come to school sometimes because he couldn't rest. I thought he got over it, but it seems he isn't entirely 'healed'.
"But you will go home afterwards. You will have to leave, like everybody else."
"No, Isaac. I will be right there, ok? I won't leave. You will be sleeping tonight and I will be right here, near you. We can start packing tomorrow, together. We can go to the park with Ben. We can go to a party if you want to. We can do whatever you want, I am here." As I was struggling to comfort him, I tried to smile because I read a study once that said that smiles encourage the suffering person to cheer up. But Isaac became like a little child who was desperately trying to escape the monster under the bed, but the parent would never come to look under the bed to assure the child that he is safe. I was smiling, but I was close to tears.
"Ok, Phoebe."
I grabbed his hand and took him in his bedroom.
"Change into your pajamas, I'm going to bring my laptop and manuscript here."
I went into the living room and picked all my stuff up and than installed at Isaac's emptied desk.
"Phoebe, sing me something." Isaac said, getting into bed. I tucked him in and sat on the bed next to him, holding his hand. So I sang his favorite tune.
'...Would things be easier if there was a right way? Honey, there is no right way... So I fall in love just a little ol' little bit everyday with someone new...'
By the time I finished singing, Isaac had fallen asleep. His rhythmic breaths filled the room and I gently let go of his hand, going to the desk, typing the manuscript.
"Where the hell are you going?..." Isaac says in a sleepy voice as I opened the door to go sleep on the couch. It was 2 in the morning and I felt as if my eyes were going to fall.
"I will go sleep on the couch."
"You said you wouldn't leave..."
"Where else do you want me to sleep?" I asked, whispering, trying not to take away his calm phase.
He moved to a side of the bed, making room for me.
"If you aren't over with Alex, it's fine. I am your friend, I am not going to be all over you." Isaac said, in the same sleepy tone. He was right. It meant nothing. We used to do that when were children, too. The only difference is that he has no T-Shirt on now.
I crawled into bed next to him and turned off the light.
"Shove me away if I accidentally touch you." Isaac said, facing me. He cuddled in the bed sheets and closed his eyes.
I have been sleeping for about three hours when Isaac started flinching, waking me up. He started moving his lips but no sound came out. I touched his forehead and he was burning hot. I didn't want to wake him up, but he was certainly dreaming. I believe it wasn't a nice dream...
"No... Please... Not her... Axel, don't. Mom... Help me... She will die... Mom!"
Isaac woke up, almost jumping out of the bed. Fortunately, I was there. I wrapped my hands around his bare chest, holding him in place. His heart was beating fast and his lungs were seeking air.
"Isaac, don't worry. I'm here. I'm here."
"Phoebe...you're ok."
"Of course I am."
He pulled up his pillows and sat back in the bed as one would in an armchair. I stood there next to him, watching him closely.
"I was having this nightmare and I.. I was straight up losing my mind. Alex was holding you in his arms and you were kissing him but he suddenly pulled out a knife and started cutting the back of your neck. Mom was there and she was looking at her jewelry and I screamed at her to help me rescue you but she was just looking at the jewelry. And your lips starting forming my name as Alex cut deeper into your throat but the fist I gave Alex only made him laugh and tell me:'You fool.'
Your eyes were very beautiful, even if they started filling with bloody tears."
"Hey... Don't worry. Things will get better. I will be with you, ok? I will always be around, so don't worry. Get back to sleep."
"You are always in my nightmares. You are the one getting shot or throat ripped or veins cut. You are the one whose lips form my name when you give your last breath."
I pretended not to sound affected by all these. I am sure these dreams are killing him... They make me worry even when he just tells me what he sees. But I have to give him strength.
"Isaac, we all have periods like these. Some get it sooner or later. If you got it now, it means you can survive it because you are strong enough. I will be here, don't you worry."
He has been watching me paralyzed, terrified, tired. I put my arms around his neck and pulled him into a hug. He wrapped his hands around the small of my back, as if replying. I pull away, give him a faint smile and look into his green eyes. His father's eyes. A second later, his tears sprinkled his cheeks as our mouths collided into a kiss. A kiss initiated by Isaac. God damn it, I really wanted to be 'just friends' with this guy.