«So, what happened at New Year's?», Pike asked.
I looked at him blankly, «did something happen?»
He sighed and rolled his eyes, reaching into his package of Fudge Flies. Picking one, he put it in his mouth, «you left early».
The noises he made when chewing those made me imagine the ways I'd strangle him if I'd only been mad enough. «Yeah», I hummed, getting annoyed I hadn't made up an excuse before coming back. «My father wanted to leave», I lied. It was a bad one.
«Oh», he gave me a fly too, «you must be excited to get out of that house, huh?»
I huffed, «you bet».
Lying to Pike actually did hurt, despite it all. «Did you guys have fun without me?», I asked, placing the fly in my mouth. It was sweet, nearly melting against my tongue.
Pike grinned, «you should have seen it. I've never seen a fight that bad. Like, Draco's father and all of the others often have had loud discussions in the past, but this», he chuckled, «even Professor Snape-»
«They had a fight?», I nearly choked on the candy.
He shrugged, «I don't know why. Mr. Malfoy sometimes drink a little too much. Draco doesn't want to talk about it though, so please don't mention it».
I narrowed my eyes, «you've known him for years and met his father many times. Why do you not call him by his name?»
«Uhm», he closed the package of Fudge Flies, «well, he has never said to do otherwise. And, to be honest, I find him a little intimidating». His cheeks grew red as he cleared his throat. I couldn't help myself but burst out laughing, which made him glare at me. «Oh shut up», he hissed.
«You're intimidated by a man with long barbie hair and a stick?», I said, hiding the fact the thought of him made me sick to my stomach.
Rolling his eyes at me for the second time, Pike pushed the package of candy into the pocket of his robes. «As if you weren't», he replied, «don't tell Draco», he added quietly.
I smiled, holding up both hands in defeat, «I won't. Your secret is safe with me», I giggled.
At that moment something dark moved in my peripheral vision. My head snapped in its direction and then I saw him.
I hadn't seen him since the party. We'd only just come back to school, and I had somehow not bumped into him yet. And, honestly, I'd been glad.
There was something that had been weighing on my mind since the party, and I was contemplating what to do about it. The sight of him made my body react, not entirely with lust but with some sort of longing. As if it needed to be closer.
At the same time I had so much annoyance centred around him. He made me nuts, and his attitude was just horrible. Perhaps it made me feel that way because he mirrored my own. But that had been such a big part of the reason why I had gravitated towards him from the beginning of the school year. There was something in him that was so like me.
Loneliness, maybe. I wasn't sure.
Bitterness?
I looked to Pike, «I have to go», I said and stood up, running my hands down my skirt to straighten it. He raised his eyebrows questioningly, undoubtedly curious as to why I suddenly had to leave.
«Why?», he asked.
Would I lie?
«Just need to discuss the matter of my private tutoring with Professor Snape», I said.
Half a lie.
He bought it, his eyes relaxed. «Oh, yeah, how's that been?», he asked, glancing to Snape who was busy scolding a student for running in the hall.
«Umm», I hummed, «as to be expected. Tedious. But graduation is in just a few months, so I'll live».
Pike chuckled, «I'm glad I don't have to. Well, see you later then».
I nodded and walked off, heading towards the Professor. It didn't take long for him to notice me, his expression changing just a little. I hoped to God no one noticed. Even a subtle change in that man was to be mysterious and perhaps concerning.
I didn't know why, but the only thing that escaped my lips when I came closer was, «hi».
The arching of his brow made my legs tingle. «Miss Lovegood», he acknowledged me. His eyes dipped quickly and returned, a sense of guilt flickering in the darkness of his orbs. I glared at him in warning.
Act normal, I hissed at him in my mind. His jaw tensed.
«I need a word», I said, offering a polite smile as another student walked past.
Snape nodded slowly, «very well».
-
The walk to his office had been a little awkward. I wasn't sure if it was me or him, or the both of us being weird.
We hadn't touched in nearly a month. The thought of him had occupied my mind a few times at night, though, not going to lie.
He closed the door behind him, having let me in first. Instead of darting for his desk like he usually did, he stood quietly in front of the door.
«So», I breathed, feeling uneasy. He was a perceptive man, and I knew he was attempting to crack the case before I even got to say anything.
«So?», he drawled, looking down at me as if I had just stolen from his storage.
I cleared my throat, «I think this was a mistake. I mean, I made a mistake thinking it was a good idea. I think it has to stop».
Colour drained from his face, but otherwise he managed to seem unaffected. «And what makes you say that?», he asked, his voice deep and unsettling.
«I think», I paused and then sighed, «this was meant to be purely professional. But I think that you-»
«That I what?», he snapped unexpectedly, but remained calm. The memory of him slapping me that one time circled back to me, so I took a step backwards.
«If you'd let me finish you'd get the answer to that», I hissed back, «what I mean to say is that I think that maybe you've developed feelings-»
Snape huffed, as if I had greatly offended him and he went for his desk. He had never been easy to talk to. Most of the time he was just so good at making people feel like they were wasting his precious time.
«So I'm wrong?», I asked, trailing after him, «you don't feel anything?»
«Ridiculous», he murmured, picking up jars with new ingredients that stood lined up at his desk. I watched as he went to place them on his shelves.
«So at the party, when-»
Snape stopped what he was doing and turned to me, «Mr. Malfoy isn't someone you should be around, let alone be by yourself with».
I clenched my hands, «can't you hear yourself?»
He put the last jar down while keeping eye contact, «what do you mean?». His voice was cold. It was nothing like the Severus I'd come to know in our... intimate moments.
«You're jealous», I pointed out and sighed, «surely we can't continue when-»
Snape approached me quickly, making me nearly stumble backwards, «jealous? You have no idea what that man is capable of. My advice came from me as your Professor, not as..»
«As?», I frowned.
«Whatever this is», he muttered and walked away again the moment we'd been awfully close. Maybe too close. «It is my duty to keep my students safe», he added.
«I was fine», I remarked angrily, despite knowing that wasn't exactly true, «and it was during the holidays, you have no duties then. Would you have done the same if it was Blaise?»
His jaw ticked. I wondered how far this would go before he'd eventually attack me. «I assure you, Miss Lovegood, my intentions-»
«No», I protested, «that's not the type of conversation we're having, Severus. It's okay if you feel-»
«That's quite enough now, Miss Lovegood. I have loads of work to do. You're dismissed», he muttered and continued putting his newly filled jars and vials away.
«Severus», I hissed, «listen to me! I'm just trying to-»
«Yes, please continue with the point you're not making», Snape's voice hit the depth of my core, shaking it to the point of sending goosebumps all across my body. This despite the bitterness in his tone.
«We're fucking, Severus. I'm just trying to say that it is normal to develop feelings-»
«Are you mad?», he growled, accidentally dropping a jar so it broke into a thousand little pieces and scattered across the floor. «Imagine if someone heard you, you insolent girl».
«There's been worse sounds coming from this office, Severus. I know you have it silenced, don't be daft», I yelled back, «and I'm trying to say that it is okay if that is the case, that you're feeling things. But then we shouldn't continue».
He cleaned up the mess with a wave of his hand, but I noticed his nostrils flaring. By then he was avoiding looking at me. «You think me so weak, Miss Lovegood?», he sneered, «you're gravely mistaken. But perhaps you are right about something».
«I never said-», I rolled my eyes, «right about what?»
«We should stop», he drawled, clearing his throat, «this is clearly not working».
«Why are you so defensive?», I yelled, feeling utterly frustrated by his reaction, «I'm trying to be understanding and realistic here».
«There is nothing to understand», he approached me again and those dark eyes paralyzed me, «but if our agreement is too difficult for you, I am more than glad to see it dissolve. In fact, I have more important things to attend to».
«You don't mean that», I replied quietly as he stopped merely inches from me.
There was a sarcastic chuckle, «I do».
I couldn't stand the little curl of his lips. As if he was happy to be so rude and inconsiderate of my feelings. But it didn't matter. «Fine, we're done», I said, «I don't care».
He nodded in agreement.
The silence assured me that he really did mean it.
And so... I just left.
-
Ending the agreement meant I had to make an effort. Simply showing up wasn't going to work. And that sucked when I wasn't very interested in being around him at all.
So I didn't go.
I had already gone two whole weeks without showing up to Potions. The frustration was getting to me, and I knew it possibly could cost me my degree.
I carried through with the Occlumency practice on my own, though. And, conveniently enough, it helped me calm my mind and distract from overthinking.
But when Snape's birthday had come around a week after our argument, I had softened and gone to his office. It was a sunday, and I'd known he would be in there. Everybody knew he would. He always worked with something. Keeping busy, for some reason. But that day he hadn't been. And though part of me had felt disappointed, a part of me was relieved. For I hadn't known what to say, anyway.
But now, I was stuck. Nothing in me wanted to go to his classes. But there was no part of me that wanted to retake my year either. I needed those graduation papers sorely. And fast.
And so I showed up. But I was late.
«Miss Lovegood, what a surprise», his voice rang through the classroom and all eyes were on me. I ignored him and went to sit next to Blaise, when the alternative had been next to someone I had never talked to in the seven years I'd been a student.
Before I knew it, Snape's broody figure loomed by our station. «Perhaps, Miss Lovegood, since you so rudely interrupted my teaching», he paused, «you could enlighten us on the topic, hm?»
I peered up at him with great annoyance. He returned the same look. «Which topic, Professor?», I asked. Students snickered, and he let them.
«None of you will pass your N.E.W.Ts if this potion is not perfected, Miss Lovegood. I would have thought you'd be familiar with it, at least. Knowing you're so fond of sleeping instead of attending your classes», he rambled, his tone dripping with ill intent.
«Just tell me which», I replied and ignored the whispering students. I could practically feel the heat from Blaise's stressful sweating.
«Draught of living death», Snape said slowly, remaining where he was, glaring down at me.
I sighed, «it's a potion that causes the drinker to fall into a deep slumber, like in Snow White, basically. Makes them look dead».
«Correct, and which ingredients makes it so powerful it earned its name?», he urged me to continue.
The attention was bugging me to the point my knees were shaking. «Wormwood», I replied and looked around the classroom. Some of the girls looked quite pleased with my discomfort. «And asphodel», I added, clearing my throat, «professor».
He nodded and narrowed his eyes, looking as if he was surprised I'd known the right answer.
«What? I'm not stupid», I replied and rolled my eyes.
«No one said you were, Miss Lovegood. But since you're sticking with the princess theme today, then I assume the shoe simply fit, Cinderella», he raised a challenging eyebrow.
The students snickered again, and I felt my stomach twist. It occurred to me why he had never tickled my interest in the past. He wasn't an easygoing or likable teacher at all.
«I am no princess», I muttered, «I don't need saving».
And so the conversation turned personal. I noticed the way his eyes changed, and for a moment the Severus I knew shone through. But in an instant he stormed to the front of the classroom, and went on to ignore me for the rest of the class.
And so he did the coming weeks too. And — Salazar — was I glad for it.
-
We had gotten to march already. Spring was just around the corner, the snow melting peacefully.
I couldn't wait for more sun and more time outside. Being inside the castle walls was slowly strangling me.
That had been some of the reasoning behind our saturday activity; drinking in Hogsmeade.
Draco, Pansy, Vincent, Gregory, Theodore, Pike, Blaise and I had occupied a whole booth at the Leaky Cauldron. We were already two firewhiskeys down, our breaths reeking of it, and now about to indulge in something sweeter.
«It's Berry Ocky Rot», Pansy said, showing us the bottle, «it's really good».
The boys grimaced at the look of it while she poured our glasses.
«It's cheap», Draco pointed out as he picked up his glass to smell it. He scrunched his nose, but offered the girl a forced smile.
She huffed, «as long as it gets us drunk, does it matter?»
«Nope», Vincent grinned and lifted his glass, «cheers guys».
And so we did.
It tasted like I had imagined. Sweet berries. Quite strong, but it didn't burn like whiskey did.
«Do you think you'll pass in Potions, Leo?», Pike asked, setting down his glass, looking at me curiously.
I nodded, «I'm doing better than you, aren't I?», I laughed. The boy shook his head as he chuckled.
«I suppose so», he said, «maybe your private lessons helped. Why did you stop though? He seemed annoyed with you».
They all waited for my answer.
«I said I could do it on my own», I muttered and had a large sip of my drink, «and clearly I can».
«What's your problem, anyway?», Pansy dared asked and I raised my eyebrows at her audacity.
«Excuse me?», I hissed.
«No, guys, don't», Blaise spoke up, his hand at my chest to stop me from jumping her.
I pushed him away.
«You act like you're so tough», Pansy pointed out, «like you're so much cooler than anyone else. Why?»
My insides were burning. I wanted to slap her silly. However, the moment I felt my eyes threatened to well with tears I stood up, «I need a cigarette», I said and downed my drink, before storming outside.
I leaned against the brick wall just outside the door. Reaching into the pocket of my jeans to pull out my package. Having endless amount of space in pockets must have been my favourite spell in the entire universe.
Placing the toxic entity between my lips, I began to light it while observing the people passing by. Hogsmeade was quite busy, unfortunately, especially since the weather had begun to get increasingly better.
I took the first drag.
My lungs filled with smoke, calming my anger instantly. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of the warmth in my chest. A headache I hadn't even known I'd had disappeared just as fast as the smoke left my lips a second later. The haze of the nicotine quickly morphed with the buzz of the alcohol. Pansy's words were soon forgotten.
Like magic.
But I was brought back to reality as she suddenly stood next to me, holding a drink in each hand. «Sorry», she forced out, as if someone had paid her to do so, «for being blunt».
I looked at her while taking another drag, keeping the smoke in my lungs for a while before letting it out again. It went to her face and she blinked quickly as not to burn her eyes.
«Thanks», I replied dryly and eyed her second drink, «is that for me?»
She handed it to me without saying anything.
«Anything else?», I asked.
«Are you okay?», her voice trembled. It could have been the cold gust of wind, but I chose to believe she was genuine and emotional when asking.
I tapped my finger on the cigarette. Ash fell to the ground between us. «I'm fine, why?»
She nodded, «you always say that. I know you're not».
«You know?», I chuckled, «what do you know?»
She rolled her eyes at me and had a swig of her drink, licking her lips, «you've always been like this. Do you really think we don't know you? You go through phases. You often isolate and you never share. And this year? We hardly see you anymore. You've pushed Blaise away. It's your last year, Leo, why can't we just have fun?», she said, «together».
I shook my head in disbelief and sighed, putting out my cigarette to have a sip from my drink instead. «Grow up, Pansy», I murmured.
«You're deflecting», she pointed out, raising an eyebrow expecting a better answer.
I downed the entirety of my drink, «if I buy the next round will you shut up and have fun the rest of the night?», I asked, «together?»
Pansy grinned and nodded.
«Alright, come on then».