Chapter 75
We didn't overstay our welcome at the music hall. I knew I hadn't broken in and I'd gotten permission from my father to be there, but I also knew that it wasn't a place you could just hang out for fun when you weren't supposed to perform.
It did make me wonder though.
In another life, in one where I never stopped playing piano, would that have been something I wanted? To perform in front of a crowded room in a concert hall. The idea wasn't unpleasant.
How many things had I missed out on by sabotaging my own life?
Yet another discussion to possibly have with my therapist.
Or also with my girlfriend.
We were driving back home, my hand not holding on to the steering wheel holding hers, as she smiled happily.
Being in a relationship meant opening up. I was going to get better at this, one step at a time. And this was definitely a step.
"Do you think I screwed up my future by giving up piano so soon and now never being able to do anything serious about it?" I asked softly.
Part of me was hoping for a joke, or for her to not take it too seriously. That my Pumpkin would be easily distracted as always and the conversation would stir in another direction.
But instead, Lexi looked at me with a pensive gaze, and asked, "Do you?"
I let out a sigh. "I'm not sure. I know I have no idea what I want to do. And playing the piano made me happy. It still kind of does, I guess. So, it made me wonder."
Lexi turned in her seat, getting a better look at me, leaning her cheek against the headrest. "Is it playing the piano that you like, or the idea that you have actual plans for your future?
I half smiled at my girlfriend. It was nice, being able to talk like this, having her knowing me. I had never picture this. "It would be nice, to have this certainty, to know what I want for my future. I spent so much time thinking about not having a life, that I never had space for planning my future. I never had a university I dreamed of going to. There was never a career that truly interested me. I never let myself the joy of certainty."
"It would be nice, to know what you want to become when you get older," she said, "but there's also something beautiful about not knowing, don't you think? Isn't it boring if there are no surprises? If everything is planned out for the rest of your life? At least, that's what I'm trying to tell myself to not feel completely terrified about the future.," she added, and shook her head a little.
I grinned at her, lifting our hands and kissing her knuckles. "It's nice to be clueless together. It's like when you ask someone if they started their school projects because you didn't, and they didn't either. It's like, comforting because you're not the only screw up."
Lexi snorted a laugh and hit my arm. "We're not screw-ups!"
I chuckled at her outburst. "Maybe not screw-ups, but slightly pathetic."
"How are we supposed to choose? There are soooo many options," she whined, throwing her head back.
"My parents knew what they wanted to do at my age," I said, like an after-thought.
Lexi let out a breath. "Well, my mom did too, and look where that got her? She thought she knew, she thought she wanted to be a lawyer forever, but then she did a complete one-eighty. So, knowing doesn't mean you actually know."
"You're right... I guess I just kind of wonder if I could have been a good enough piano player to make it."
"I think this might not be about being a piano player, but it might be more about the confirmation that you're talented at something. Because for some reason that make zero sense to me, you have low self esteem. Which, I repeat, makes zero sense to me."
"Hmm... maybe," I replied, and couldn't help the small smile forming at the corner of my mouth.
It was nice, to talk in depth with Dr Boseman because I knew he wouldn't judge me.
But it was nicer to talk about this with Lexi, because it meant she knew me. She understood me. She cared.
This was the only thing I had ever let myself even slightly hope for my future.
The conversation stopped at this point, because I parked my car in front of Lexi's house.
Tonight was a sleeping at Lexi's house night.
We walked back to her house hand in hand.
It was late, and the house was dark and quiet, everyone already in their respective rooms, so we made as little noise as possible while we went upstairs. We went through our usual night time routine, stepping around each other.
It was nice, this familiarity.
Finally, we turned off the lights and cuddled under the bedsheets.
"This was our first Valentine's Day," Lexi whispered against my chest.
I smiled in the dark, running a hand through her hair. "It was."
"How many more do you think we'll have?"
I squeezed her more tightly against me. "Too many to count. We'll have so many Valentine's Day together that we'll actually forget about some."
"Ah yes, that seems very plausible coming from the guy that kept my eraser scraps." I could almost hear her rolling her eyes.
I grinned to keep from laughing. "I'm never going to live this down, am I?"
"You know what you did. The line between sweet and creepy was very thin," she said, her voice slightly muffled because she was pressed against me.
I nodded, agreeing. "I'm lucky I'm so good looking that it edged towards sweet rather than creepy."
"Yes, very lucky. But one or two other stuff like that and then it would have been creepy regardless of your good looks."
I let out a relieved exhale. "Thank god, you didn't find my papier mâché shrine."
"Dumbass," Lexi said, kicking me under the sheets.
I nudged her with my elbow.
She kicked me again.
I tried to grab her leg. She wrestled away from me, letting out a soft giggle.
I grabbed her arm, trying to get her back to me. She tried to tickle me.
I pressed my lips against hers to gain the upper hand. It usually did the trick. That or showing my chest. But since I was already not wearing a shirt, I had a lot of distractions to offer.
The kiss had been to win, but it quickly turned to something else.
To kissing my girlfriend that I love in the dark.
I pulled her on top of me, a hand in her hair, and the other on her back, slid under her shirt, keeping her close.
I kissed her slowly. To savour her. I kissed her in a frenzy. Because I couldn't help it. I kissed her carefully. Because I didn't want her shark of a father to appear at the door.
Lexi felt it and pressed her hands to my chest, separating our lips.
"We should have gone to sleep at your house. No rules there," she whispered, her mouth less than a inch from mine.
I still had my hand in her hair. I wanted to bring her face down and kiss her neck and lick her skin.
But. Shark.
"It's much better that we have rules today. Do you know how many November babies there are because of Valentine's Day?" I joked, trying to lighten up the mood.
Her room was dark enough that I couldn't see her narrow her eyes at me. "I'm a November baby..."
I smirked. "Yeah, sorry to break it to you Pumpkin, your parents probably banged it out on Valentine's Day and got you."
She gapped, looking mighty offended. "What?"
I pressed a hand to my mouth to smother my snort. "What? You never made the math?"
"No!"
"Like we need to have another Scorpio. One is good enough."
She slapped her hands on my chest, sitting up. "Hey! That's grand coming from a fracking Libra!"
"Are you shitting on my zodiac sign?"
She poked my chest. "You started it."
"Ah yes, defensive, like a proper Scorpio."
"Leave my room now," she pointed towards her door. "I'm breaking up."
I ignored her and instead wrapped my arms around her waist, bringing her back down, holding her closer to me. "Aw, I love you too my sweet little lovey Pumpkin."
"You're such an asshole," she grumbled, but there was no real annoyance in her voice.
"Love you too. So sooo much," I mumbled, my face buried in her hair.
I felt her shake her head. "Little bitch," she mumbled, but still wrapped her arms around me, keeping me just as close to her as I was.
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Happy Monday my little Pumpkins! <3
RIGHT ON TIME! This is the energy I'm trying to channel now. Last weekend I was in the middle of the woods with my family and did no writing, so I wasn't able to catch up with what I needed to do during the week, and fuuuucked up all of my beautiful schedule.
Nooooo moooooooore. This is me telling myself no to distractions and yes to taking every singly free minute I have to spend writing.
I literally fell asleep with the lights on at the foot of my bed ALL week because I kept telling myself I was gonna have time to finish the chapters and I couldn't go to sleep just yet. And then I'd fall asleep regardless.
I think I'm getting less productive in my old age. Is this what 30-somethign years old Kay is like? Unproductive??? No, no. None of that. Kicking my butt. Going to bed like a functioning adult. Getting my writing done in time. Potentially not eating all the Easter chocolate I bought on discount in one evening.
I CAN DO IT.
(Is this me losing it? This might be me losing it? I think the whole falling asleep with the lights on with my computer in my face for a whole week is making me spiral? Yes? No? Delusional Sleep-Deprieved Kay was always entertaining back when I was writing I Sold. Wasn't she? She was.)
AAAAAAH.
Okay. Tomorrow we have an almost total eclipse where I live. I got the little glasses to stare at the sun. So tomorrow, I shall stare at the sun and WRITE. YES. I can do it.
It really doesn't help thought that I literally have a dozen new stories idea. And another dozen books I started to read. Do I have ADHD? An almost-midlife crisis? ADHD would make sense. I played hide and seek with my thesis director when I was doing my masters degree because I procrastinated too much. Maybe I really do have ADHD. I mean, I have SOMETHING, everyone in my family has SOMETHING, but like, what is it? What's mine?
See? This is why I get nothing done.
Alright. Leeeeeeaving now. Not falling asleep at the foot of my bed. Chapter 77 is gonna be the snowstorm in Blake's shack chapter. With deeetails. Hope that makes some of you happy. ;P
Okay. Going now. For reals. LOVE YOU GUYS! See you all tomorrow with more Nik! He should be figuring out he's in love soon enough. XD
BYE!!