It took a while for me to get my bearing of what was going on with my body. I felt my consciousness returning, but I couldn't move, or access motor function with my muscles, or limbs. I felt like a stranger within my own body. I couldn't open my eyes, and I had to keep focusing on breathing. It wasn't just a natural act, I had to keep reminding myself to take slow breaths, because otherwise it would send flaring, searing pulsations throughout my nerves. The pain was almost too much to handle. After what felt like hours, I managed to breathe without thinking about it. I could move my fingers, and they began to tingle as the nerves woke up.
Everything became alive again. Slowly, all my muscles, organs and mind became aware of normal functions. The pain was still immense. I could sense people around me. They were all fussing over me. I heard muffled voices. I couldn't tell who spoke. I barely heard the words. I managed to make out a few key words. "Sorry. He's gone. We can't. He has. Moved." Then I heard the faintest beep. Then another. No one seemed aware of it. Another beep. Followed by another not far behind. "RAZ!" a female shouted. "He's gone. God, you didn't care this much when we were together."
The entire room grew quiet. "Jyn, that's cold," another female commented. I almost recognized it. Beep. Two seconds passed. Beep. Two seconds again. Beep. "You know damn well he gave a damn about you," a male replied. Tyler? Could that be who now spoke. Beep. This time the beeping became louder and more consistent. Beep. "Come on guys. We have to do something. We can't just leave him here," the second female replied. Jesi. Definitely Jesi. Beep. "Jyn, you know that I loved you. You know that I always will," Raz told her.
Jyn scoffed. "This is pointless!" I heard Inos' voice snap. "Easy," Jesi said to him. "NO! How could this happen? He doesn't deserve this! We fucking failed," Inos screamed in frustration. Three consecutive beeps in a row. "Wait, something has changed," Raz said, voice cracking from crying. I didn't think any of them would actually cry over me. I hated that they were. Why? I may be important, but I didn't think I was more important than one of them. Beep. "You all hear that? Listen," Raz ordered. I heard Jyn about to argue. Beep. Inos and Tyler silenced her. Beep. Beep. Beep. I felt their eyes pierce into me.
Beep. I heard the machine next to me grow louder and constant. My breathing became strong. My heartbeat at a solid pace. Beep. "Am I hearing things, or is monitor making the beeping noises like he has a pulse?" Inos asked. "Doctor! Nurse!" Jesi bellowed out the door. "What is all this screaming?" A deep voice demanded. Beep. The room became quiet. Beep. "There's no way," I heard someone say. Beep. I felt pressure on my wrist. I wanted to scream at the touch. Every part of me was on fire. I don't even think I looked like me. I felt like I would look like one of those typical murderers from a horror movie.
"He does have a pulse. It's weak but growing. I don't know when he'll be conscious. I don't know what he'll remember," the man replied. "We don't care. As long as he's going to live," I heard Raz say, voice on the verge of breaking. "We will monitor him through the night. You should all leave. He's not going to be awake for a while," the doctor replied. I felt the room's atmosphere change. It shifted. Raz stepped forward. I felt him approach the bed. I can't begin to say how much I wanted him to touch me. Hold me, but at the same time. I knew it would just cause more pain.
"Is he in pain?" Raz asked. "We can't know. We will only know if or when he wakes up," they were told. "I'm going to stick around. I'm not going anywhere," I heard Raz tell the doctor. I sensed the tension in the room. The doctor didn't say anything, but I felt that he wanted to. "As long as you don't interfere with the nurses and staff," the doctor replied. "I won't, but if I feel that he's in danger, or threatened. I will say something. Or interfere then. Otherwise, we won't have a problem," Raz said simply. The hostility grew in the room.
Everyone began leaving. They could do nothing more. "Raz, I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner. I could have prevented this,' I heard Tyler say. "No, you got here in record time. My father has much to answer for. He should never have betrayed us. He should never have betrayed Nyx. He must answer for this slight," Raz said with a dark tone. "You going to stay here all night?" Inos asked him. "I am. Someone needs to, and I have failed him. I won't fail again," Raz assured them. "You didn't fail him, He's alive. He's going to recover. Neither one of you failed. You saved each other," Jesi reminded him of the fact.
"I'll call you when something changes," Raz promised them. They bid him goodbye for the night. "Raz?" Tyler began. "Hey, man. What can I do for you?" Raz asked. "If Zeke wakes up, could you tell him that I'll get the website and project ready for him? I'll leave the computer for him with instructions of what needs to be done, and how to add the information to get the display he's needing for the classes," he explained. "If?" Raz said calmly, but the tone edged on bursting with rage and anger. "I didn't mean 'if' as if he'll wake up," Tyler amended. "If he wakes up soon, is what I meant," he explained.
"Of course. Knowing Zeke, he'll want to work all night to catch up on the work he's missing," Raz said, losing the edge in his voice. With that, everyone had left the room besides Raz. A nurse came in to check the vitals. I could feel him touching the IV in my arm and checking the monitors. Every time they touched the machines, it would give off a soft beep and whistle. I heard Raz ask what they were doing when they touched the machines. They responded with basic system operation check. They were making sure that everything continued to operate as usual.
One doctor informed Raz that someone may be impersonating a technician or maintenance worker. Trying to hack into the system. Raz was informed of anyone matching these descriptions and is required to summon a member of staff to confirm them. Validating them. Raz understood. He wasn't about to let anyone do something to me. I wasn't sure where this dedication and devotion was coming from. I knew it couldn't be Nyx's threat hanging over him. He's made it clear on several occasions that he wasn't worried about himself.
What could be driving him so strongly to fight for me? He couldn't deeply care for me. I didn't know what I could offer him. Then I started feeling exhausted, and I knew I wouldn't be able to stay conscious for much longer. My thoughts became heavy, and I fell asleep. Everything that happened, everything I've been through. The strain on my nerves, the trauma to my body. The dying. I fell asleep. Hard. I entered a state of nothingness. I didn't dream. I didn't feel. I felt like I was floating. Floating through space. I couldn't track how much time passed.
Then I felt myself floating back. Felt the sensation of my body. My nerves fired up. My brain went into overdrive. It was working overtime trying to figure out everything that was happening. My entire body felt like it was being dipped into molten lava. I woke up screaming and gasping for breath. Instantly, Raz was by my side. "Zeke are you okay?" he asked. He spoke loudly. I couldn't find my voice. I screamed periodically, when the pain became too much. My entire nervous system became liquid fire. Then when it became too much to endure. When I thought I would be consumed by the flames. A frigid, arctic blast of cold icy liquid pushed through the flames, quenching the heat.
The pain soon subsided. I stopped screaming, calmed down. Relaxing on the mattress, drenched in sweat. I had to fight control to be able to move my fingers and toes. I spent some time trying to move my arms and legs. I opened my eyes and through blurry vision, saw Raz leaning against the bed. "Zeke?" he called to me. I blinked. I tried to say something, but I couldn't form the words. My mouth felt parched. Dry. I couldn't form the words. Raz shouted for a doctor to come in straight away. They didn't want to answer right away. Raz shouted again.
Finally, a nurse came in looking bored. "What's the commotion for?" asked him. "He's awake, can I get a damn doctor?" Raz demanded. "They're all gone for the evening," she tried to tell us. "I am fucking doubting that," Raz snarled. "Should I call security?" The nurse asked. "I'm his security. You are denying patient care, food, water and a checkup," Raz said with an edge of coldness. "Careful, I can have you evicted permanently from this hospital and this nation if you keep it up with the attitude," she scolded him. I licked my lips, trying to find a way to speak, to find my breath.
"Raz, it's okay," I croaked, barely audible. He heard me say something. He couldn't make out the words, but he glanced down at me. "What?" he asked. He brought his ears closer to me. "It's okay," I tried again. The words hurt my throat. I tried to clear my mouth enough to speak some more. "See, he's not worried," the nurse said before turning around. "Are you kidding?" he demanded. "What's going on in here?" A young-looking man with shoulder length black hair, and two white streaks in his hair, evenly spaced in his hair.
"Nothing. Just this young man is being hostile, difficult," the nurse tried to lie. The doctor studied us all. "I'm starting to think that you are the one lying, not him," the doctor replied. The nurse looked appalled. "Doctor Dren, you can't be serious!" the nurse cried. "I heard the conversation. I have a pitcher of water and a large bowl of chicken soup, garlic bread, and a small bowl of banana and chocolate pudding," the doctor informed us. "Sir, come on," the nurse began. "Silence!" Doctor Dren said firmly. "You can't be serious," the nurse snapped. "Leave, now! Your job was to check the patient. To alert me when he woke up. To make sure he was alright. You failed in this. Go. Now," Dren demanded.
The nurse knew better than to argue. She gave all of us a withering look. Then she walked away from the room. "Out of my way," we heard the nurse snap at someone. A minute later, a large rolling cart came into the room. The food smelled amazing. They rolled the cart over to me. A hospital table was unfolded and placed over me in the bed. The food is placed on top of it. "Are you able to move to eat?" Raz asked. "I think so," I told him. I forced myself to sit up. By forcing myself to stretch and my limbs to move. I managed to gain some strength back.
The more I continued to force my limbs to respond, the stronger I became. My muscles were stiff, but soon loosened and responding. I dropped the spoon a couple times because of shaky hands, but soon they stopped shaking. I scooped out some soup with a ladle and poured it into the bowl. I then tentatively picked it up. I sipped the broth. I was worried that it would be hot, but it was nice and warm. The warmth and liquid soothed my throat, quenching my thirst. I coughed repeatedly. Once the coughing fit ended, I took a minute to slow my breathing.
Then I continued to eat the food slowly. It's been a while since I had a meal. I didn't eat lunch at school. I didn't eat after school. It's been a while since I have last eaten. The food made me want to get sick, but I knew it was just because of how long it's been. The more I ate, the better I felt. I nibbled on the bread slowly. I never had garlic bread this amazing before. I don't know why. The food just tastes so much better than I thought it would. Especially coming from the hospital. The food is well seasoned, perfectly cooked and made. I ate a little of the pudding and couldn't believe that something could be so amazing. "I think he likes the food," Dren observed.
Raz chuckled. "I think it's been a while since he ate." I nodded as I started to scarf the food down. "I think he's going to be fine," Dren commented again. I laughed and said, "Sorry," my voice hoarse. "It's okay, man. I'm just relieved you're okay. You can't begin to know how I'm glad that you're recovering," Raz said, gently rubbing my shoulder. "I'm honestly surprised that I'm okay as well," I admitted. "You actually chose to live?" Raz asked surprised. I nodded. "I did, for you," I told him. "I mean I did for me as well. You gave me the strength to continue," I confessed.
"Well, now that you've awakened, eaten and are feeling better. I'm sure you could use a shower. You've been sweating and drenched for a while. We need to switch the sheets anyways," the doctor replied. I nodded. I slowly moved the table away. I slid towards the edge of the bed and placed my feet onto the floor. I pushed down hard on the floor. The cold floor sent a shock through me. Then, holding onto the sidebar of the bed, I stood up. My limbs rebelled; muscles screamed. I held onto the railing like a crutch. "Zeke, are you okay?" Raz asked.
I wanted to say yes, but all I could do was shrug. "Your body is still healing. Would you like some help to the shower?" Raz asked. "Aren't you a little old to be assisting him in that way?" the doctor demanded him. "I wasn't offering to help him bathe. Gods, what kind of person do you take me for?" Raz demanded. "I don't know. Just how you were acting before he came to, I wasn't sure what he meant to you," Dren commented. "Well, of course I care! I'm not going to cross that line, no matter how I feel," Raz snapped.
"Well, that's good to hear. I'll have a nurse come in and help him," Dren said. "Actually, if I stay in my underwear, could you please leave Raz here? He doesn't have to be inside with me. just in case I slip. I would rather have someone I trust and know," I said softly. "You really want him to be around you constantly," Dren commented with a snarky comment. "I want someone I know, respect and trust. That's all," I said defiantly. "Are you sure?" Raz asked. I nodded. "I want someone I know. I know you won't judge me, or make me feel inadequate," I told him.
"Very well. According to your chart, you'll be eighteen soon enough anyways," Dren replied. The doctor left then, closing the blinds on the window, and shutting the door. "I'm sorry I'm asking you to do this," I said to Raz. "Don't be. I'll do whatever you need. I...I may not be able to be with you in a way you may want. I'll be here for you, though." Raz told me. I nodded. I took off my hospital shirt, and slowly took off my pants. I couldn't look at him. "I know you say you're interested, but you're really not, are you?" I asked softly. I remained in my briefs. "Zeke, I already told you. I am interested in you. I won't act on it until after you're eighteen. That doesn't mean I don't like you," Raz told me again.
"I guess I am just confused on what I can offer you. I want to be someone that makes a difference, and not a burden in your life. I don't feel like I offer that," I told him. He shrugged. "Not now maybe, but that doesn't mean anything. Come on, let's get you cleaned up," he replied. He knew I was going to keep pressing the conversation, so he did everything he could to change what we talked about. He guided me to the shower. "I feel so gross and sticky. I'm sorry you have to touch me like this," I said. "Yes, of course, this is so disgusting. I shouldn't be touching you. Ew," Raz said sarcastically. I rolled my eyes.
W made it to the bathroom, him supporting me by holding me by the arm. Guiding me to the sink while he went and adjusted the water temperature. "Stick your hand in the water and tell me if it's warm enough," Raz told me. I limped my way over and stuck my hand under the pouring water. At first it was a shock to touch. Then it became tolerable, and as my hand adjusted, I soon felt that it was warm enough. Hot enough to help relax my muscles, my body. Not too hot so that I can't stand the heat and I can last long enough to get cleaned up. "Here," Raz replied. He reached into my hair and gently pulled out the hair tie.
My hair fell around my face, clinging to my side. "Are you ready?" Raz asked. I nodded. He helped me step over the side of the tub, under the showerhead. The water made me flinch, tense up. "Zeke?" Raz asked. "It's just the water pressure. The tension in my body. The water just came as a shock, I'm okay. It's going to take some time to loosen up," I told him. He nodded. He gave me a slight grin. Almost like he knew something else. I don't feel like I should have recovered this quick. Something else must have helped speed up the process. He knew what it was, but he wouldn't tell me, even if I asked. I grabbed the shampoo and poured a large gob in my hair.
You want some help rubbing it in?" Raz asked. "You don't have to," I told him. He gave me that typical annoyed look. "When are you just going to accept and sometimes ask for help?" he demanded. "Probably never," I admitted. He rolled his eyes. He pulled off his silk long sleeved shirt, draping it over the sink. "Come on, let me help," he said. He softly ran his fingers through my hair. I felt my body heat up. Not from the venom. Not from pain, but arousal and I hated myself for it. With the water being really warm, he wouldn't be able to tell that my face flushed. I felt him press against me as he reached for more shampoo.
"Uh, I could have handed it to you," I choked out. He laughed softly. "It's fine," he assured me. He then continued to lace his fingers through my hair as the water poured down on me. He then took the showerhead off its cradle and ran it over my hair. He had me turn to the side so he could get it all. He spent a while rinsing the soap out. "Okay," he said putting the shower back together. "Let me get the conditioner in. Then I'll leave you to wash your body, and I'll help you rinse the conditioner out," he told me. He didn't take as long to put in the conditioner.
Then he turned around to stand in the doorway facing out. He kept his eyes closed. I don't know why him being there made me feel safe, comfortable and awkward all at the same time. I rubbed soap all over me. I closed the curtain and removed the rest of my clothes for a moment to wash up properly. Then bracing my back against the wall, I redressed before pulling the curtain back open. "You, okay?" Raz asked without looking. "Yes," I told him. He still didn't look. I struggled for a second to grab the shower head and aimed it all over me. I couldn't move my arm up very high, but I could use it to rinse off.
I spent a long time doing this. I think the water slowly started to turn cold. "I think I'm ready to rinse out the conditioner," I told him. He cautiously opened his eyes. "You grabbed the shower off the hook?" he asked me, almost with an edge of frustration. "Uh, I just wanted to rinse my body off. Get all the soap off," I said, handing him the sprayer, facing towards me. I don't know how, but I must have shuffled forward and slipped. He sprang forward, He jumped into the shower, catching me. "Careful," he hissed. I bowed my head. "I'm sorry," I said, sobbing. "Shit," he snapped. He steadied me. Then got out of the shower.
"I'm really sorry. I didn't mean for you to get drenched," I said, voice breaking. I looked at his angry expression as he looked at his dripping clothes. He grabbed a towel to dry off as best as he could. "Don't move," he snapped at me. I nodded. I stood perfectly still, almost fossilized. He came back after a couple minutes and told me that they were changing out the sheets and cleaning the mattress. He then grabbed the sprayer and helped me rinse out the conditioner. He continued to mutter under his breath. I didn't need to know what he said to know that he was pissed at me.
I would have to try harder to not bother him. "Turn around," he muttered. I did. He sprayed me off. I felt like I was about to fall again, but I was too afraid to say anything. He grabbed me roughly by the shoulder. "Come on," he demanded. He helped me out of the shower, braced me against the sink and turned off the water. He took the towel and tossed my hair firmly, and then wrapped it around me. I went to the main room where the nurse was just leaving after switching the sheets and pillowcases. "You should be all good to go," he told me as he left. I thanked him. He nodded, surprised that I said something, by the look on his face.
I almost didn't recognize the necklace signifying him as orkta. I don't know how I didn't notice. No wonder he was so surprised I would say something. He may not have realized I'm one as well, or...maybe I was changing? I may not have the same aura. No, it couldn't be anything like that. That made no sense. I shouldn't think like that. Raz stopped by the door, looking pissed off. I found a small bag in the corner. I found some hospital clothes. A black pair of cotton pants, and a dark gray sleeveless shirt, with black slippers.
"Zeke," Raz hissed. I flinched and turned towards him, keeping my eyes on the ground. "Zeke!" Raz snapped again. I backed away, bracing myself against the wall. I heard him growl in frustration. He walked across the room, grabbing my arms and lifting me up. "Look at me," he demanded. Tears fell down my face. I blinked, trying to fight them off. My breath caught. "Zeke," he said again, this time resigned. I looked at him, afraid, embarrassed, ashamed. "Why are you..." he broke off his question. He gently rested me against the wall and released him. "I didn't mean to become hostile," he told me in a soft voice.
I remained quiet. I couldn't look at him. Tears still fell. I vaguely remembered hearing everyone talk about antivenom, Raz, his father, and me. I couldn't remember everything. I remember key words, but nothing that made any sense. "Zeke, please look at me," Raz said softly, whispering. I blinked and looked into his eyes. I felt like I was being drawn into his golden bronze irises. I couldn't stop crying. I felt stupid for it. I wanted to look away. I couldn't. He asked me something, and I couldn't refuse him. No matter how much I tried.
Before I could say anything or react. He kissed me. Firmly, on the lips. My breath froze. My heart hammered in my chest. He held his lips against mine for almost a minute. Then he broke away. I didn't move. I couldn't. I just stood there, looking at him in surprise. "I shouldn't have done that," he whispered. I broke free from his hypnotizing stare. "Y-you regret it," I said. He firmly locked eyes with me. "Yes, but, no. it's complicated," he said at last. "Isn't it always," I agreed resigned. I found the strength to push past him and climbed into bed. My entire body screamed for more. My lips craved his. My body craved him. I wanted him more than I ever thought I would want someone. I hated myself for that. I hated that I wanted him knowing he really didn't want me. I never cared for anyone before. Not like how much I wanted him, and I don't understand why.
"Zeke, it's not that I didn't want to kiss you. It's not what you think," he told me. I looked at him. "Of course," I said, tears falling again. "My age. My status. No matter how much you would like to, you'd never be able to be with someone like me. You couldn't be seen with someone like me. Not even as a friend. Right? I understand Raz. I really do," I told him, tears falling violently now. I had to finish saying what I felt in my heart, before I was consumed. "I just...I have never felt like this before. I have never felt so drawn to another. This is more intense than I like. This is more than I can sometimes handle," I began.
"Didn't you like Xavier?" he countered. "Yes, but not like this. I didn't even believe I liked guys. Hell, I didn't even think I liked girls if I'm being honest. Raz, I don't know what's happening to me and with me. All I know is that I'm drawn to you. My heart and soul want you. I want you. I hate it. Not that I want you. I'm fine with that part. I just hate the fact that I'll never be good enough. I'll never mount to what you need," I replied. He started to interrupt me. "NO! Not this time!" I snap. He stopped trying to speak. "Raz, you have to realize something," I continued.
He waited for me to continue. "I don't easily get attached to people. Why I feel so strongly towards you. I'll never know. What I do know is that I...love you. I'm not sure how or why. I hate that because you could never reciprocate that feeling. You wouldn't be allowed to. Now that you kissed me. You opened a part of my heart that I could pretend didn't exist, and now I'll have to deal with the fact that I love you and I can't hide it," I finished. Raz eyed me through teary eyes. Why should he be crying. "Zeke, I said I regretted the kiss. It wasn't that I kissed you. It wasn't the kiss! I shouldn't have kissed you until after your eighteenth birthday," he told me.
"Oh for fucks sake," I shouted. He looked at me in surprise. "Raz, you know a lot of people are dating with a year or two difference. I'm not...I'm...I'm not trying to say that I think you should date me, or anything. I'm only saying that the rules don't always matter in certain circumstances. I just want you to think about this. I'm not going to be mad if you don't want to be with me. I'll be heartbroken, which sucks. I promise to get over that. I don't want to lose you as a friend. I just want to know the truth. My birthday is in three months. Why are you so adamant about waiting if you even really want to?" I asked.
He only sighed. "There's so much you don't understand. This has nothing to do with your status. Or your position in society. This isn't completely about your age, but I would you like to be a consenting adult. This is more about the gods, my family, and myself. I don't...want to feel like I'm guiding you into doing something," he confessed. I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing a little. "You are worried about family trauma, not being good enough?" I asked. "In a way. It's more than that. I don't know if it'll be worth it to bring you into it," he told me.
I gave him a weird look. "You don't think I'm worth it?" He gave me a dark look. "I didn't say that!" Raz roared. "What are you saying?" I snapped back. He grabbed me by the arm, lifted me up and pinned me against the wall. He got really close to me. I could smell his breath. Peppermint, and vanilla. "I'm saying. My world is complicated. Hostile, violent. It's full of despair, pain and suffering. I don't want you involved in that. No one should have to deal with that," He explained. "So, it's not about me personally?" He kissed my cheek quickly. "Zeke, it was never about you as a person. I know you're worth being with. I just don't think I could handle it if you suffered because of me. Not including all you've already been through," he said.
"Shouldn't I get to choose if I'm ready for that?" I asked him. "Do you actually think you are? Are you wanting to be subjected to a worse life of pain, torture, and loss?" he asked. "I don't know what I'm ready for! I would just like the chance to choose," I told him. "We can't deny you that choice. You will always have free will," Raz replied. He almost seemed defeated in his defiance to be with me. Like he wasn't able to fight it anymore. I didn't want to put any more stress on him. I didn't want him to worry. I was more than willing to be officially with him. I just wanted to be heard and wanted him to know I'm there if ever possible.
"Well, have we come to a treaty of sorts?" Raz asked with a smirk. "I guess so. I know we probably can't be together in truth. You don't have to spare my feelings," I told him. He just simply rolled his eyes. "Don't play with me, Raz. I'm sure the royal court and some of the god worshippers have a problem with it. You bloody well know that the orphanage does. Headmaster Riley won't tolerate that kind of disgrace," I reminded him. He nodded. "He can't stop me from being with you," he told me. "He can stop me from being with you," I countered. "Not when you're eighteen," he tried. "I could be without a place to live," I replied.
"I thought you wanted to be with me?" he asked. "Of course, I do. I just want to make sure that nothing can prevent it. I don't want to hinder you in any way. I already can't protect myself," I told him. "You protected us just fine. If you want. I can teach you some martial arts. We all can teach you some fighting styles. Well, I don't know about Christina and Andre. I don't think the others would mind showing you how to protect yourself," he offered. "Do you think that the others would teach me?" I asked uncertainly. "I think so. They would want you to be able to protect yourself. Not only that. It would make it easier if you could help them to keep you safe," he told me.
"That's true," I agreed. "You seem to be stronger now," he observed. "I guess. What kind of medicine did you give me?" I asked. He instantly became guarded. "Well, obviously the antivenom. It was the only sure way to make sure you wouldn't succumb to the venom from Najash. We also gave you a healing potion," he told me. I felt like there was something more than that. "I vaguely remember a word being used. Nectar?" He didn't meet my eyes. "I'm not sure what you're asking about," he said. He wouldn't look me in the eyes.
I didn't have the strength to challenge him right now. I gently pushed past him and went back to bed. "I'm really tired. I want to try to get some sleep," I told him. "Okay, I'll be outside when you wake up," he told me. I shook my head at him. "Raz, no. I need some time to think about everything," I told him. I could see the hurt behind his eyes. "I know I failed to protect you," he began. "Raz, this isn't about that. You didn't fail. No matter what Nyx thinks. This is about the emotional baggage we both feel and the stuff we discussed. I need some time to figure things out," I told him. "I can still be here if you need it. I'll keep my distance," he tried again.
"No, Raz. Please. Take a break. I'll be fine," I told him, and he tried to continue arguing. "Raz, I don't want you here right now," I said coldly. I didn't think I would be able to get my voice to sound like that. I didn't think I would be convincing. The hurt and pain behind his eyes told me that he believed me. "Uh, yes, of course. I'll have someone meet you. Um, Jyn has something for you anyways, and when you get it, just message me whenever or if ever you want to talk," he told me. He backed away out of the room. He kept clearing his throat. He looked heartbroken. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to say what I did.
I knew he wouldn't give me any space. I didn't have a choice. I would do whatever I had to and make it up to him. Just right now, I needed him to go. I think we both needed some space. When I got back into bed, I pulled the covers over my head. I heard the door close after a few seconds. It didn't take me long before I fell into a restless sleep. Dreams plagued me. So many different events, people and times flashed before my eyes. At first, I couldn't keep track of everything that happened. Then I managed to slow the speed down and focus on one scene. One event at a time.
I saw myself with a muscled young man, heading towards a forest. Then a cave. I didn't hear everything being talked about. I saw various scenes of people from the past, walking along dirt roads, staying close to bright torches that resembled the streetlights. People in tailored suits, woman in dresses, all in ancient armor, with the symbol of Nyx.
I saw the large city, the citadel shining brightly through the night. I saw well-dressed people, standing in a large room with a giant throne. They wore crowns. A regal man, young, strong, in his primes stood in front of a young man and woman. This must have been the royal family in ancient times. I wondered how they treated people beneath their status. Then I saw me walking in, followed by the family I saw in the basement of the school before Jyn got me out. Who were these people really? I wondered.
They were talking about what was going to happen if the chaos god invaded. About disrespecting the gods. The people behind me were there to try and convince the family that I wasn't the one who dishonored everyone. They were trying to protect me. Well, half of them were trying hard to keep me from getting in trouble. The other half didn't seem to care. I then heard Nyx's voice blasting through the large room. The royal court was all in unison about one thing. I wasn't at fault. They weren't going to oppose a goddess.
They all continued to talk and discuss what needed to be done. Then the dream changed. The prince and princess were in charge of the nation. They were discussing what needed to be done. They planned on what to do with me. Raz appeared. No, Razut here. With Raven. They were taking about escorting me to the nation of death. We needed allies. We were cut off from the others. Finally, we were on our way. Then a similar scene began to play. I walked with Raven. We were talking about the same thing as before.
This time, a huge spider came out of the surrounding trees. At first, I started to panic. Raven just gave it a side glance. Then the spider began to change, and shift. Then Raz/Razut stood in front of us. I blinked. How are they the same person! "So, do you really think this is going to work?" Raz asked. "I don't know. He's the balance. Without him, the scale tips and the world falls," Raven told him. I didn't know how I could be someone to change the balance. "This is a lot of pressure to put on him," Raz told Raven like I wasn't there.
"Guys, I don't like this. I don't know what's going on. I have been placed into a world that doesn't make sense to me!" I told them both. They both understood where I was coming from. They just couldn't do anything about it. They apologized so many times about how they didn't want me forced into this role, but they wouldn't be able to do it without me. Then the dream shifted. I was standing with soldiers, guards and civilians all walking towards a large mausoleum with a large double-wide set of doors flung open. I walked with the royal family and my own. We were all heading towards the crypt, talking about how it was to be a shelter when screams filled the night air. We all turned to see demons, and vile creatures from our worst nightmares marching towards us. Undead creatures, dead animals animated, bursting with flames, lightning, toxic fumes.
All marched upon the survivors. Everyone began running to the mausoleum. I was telling the soldiers that we had to do something, or everyone would die. Then I pulled out this coin. I don't know where I got it or why I would grab it. I mumbled something that I couldn't hear. Several pulsating flashes of silver, green, red and purple that continuously pulsed through the sky, swirling around us. Everything became blurry and fuzzy. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know what I did. I had to have done something.
Or that coin was a magical gift given to me in case everything went wrong. Everything must have gone wrong. I don't think I would have used it otherwise. The scene shifted. I remembered having this dream before. I woke up in my old room in the orphanage. Why would I have this dream again. No one has the same dream over and over again. I feel that in some way, the dream is trying to tell me something that I didn't know all the facts too, so there's no way for me to know for sure what the message was.
I jerked up in bed, gasping and dripping sweat. God, I always woke up sweating. At least I wasn't drenched. I got up and stumbled to the bathroom. A nurse came in as I was coming out. "How are you feeling?" she asked. Her bright red hair, in a neat bun. She was beautiful, slender and her eyes were captivating. I couldn't keep looking into her eyes for long. I kept feeling my cheeks flush. "You hungry? Breakfast time is almost over, but I'm sure I can scrounge something up for you," she offered. "Uh, yes please. You don't have to go to any trouble," I said. She chuckled. "It's no problem. It's what I'm here for. Do you need anything?" she asked.
"Do you think I could get a root beer float?" I asked. She nodded, smiled and left. She came back a second later, holding a very large book. "By the way. This was outside the door. It wasn't there when I came in," she told me. I nodded. "I've been expecting this book. So, I'm not surprised it showed up finally," I said. "Well, I'll just set it on your bed. I'll go get you something to eat," she told me. She left then, closing the door behind her. I sat back on the bed, and just stared at the ceiling, with my eyes closed. I didn't have much to do but lie there.
Half an hour later, a knock came to the door. Then the nurse came back in pushing a cart of food. Everything smelled amazing. "I managed to bring some scrambled eggs with crushed peppers, shredded pepper jack, and Monterey jack. Italian wheat bread, with a ranch spread, apple smoked bacon and Italian sausage links. "Breakfast was about over, but I saved this. Sorry if it's cold," the nurse said. I chuckled. "I'm sure it'll be just fine. I'm hungry as hell," I told her. She laughed softly. "Uh, sorry for the swearing," I told her.
"Don't worry about it. I have a teenage son. He likes to slip them in once in a while when he thinks I'm not paying attention. I don't really mind that much. He isn't being rude about it," she told me. I smiled. "Well, thank you. Um, I don't know if I should ask or not. Is anyone scheduled to stop by today?" Or does anyone know when I'm supposed to leave?" I asked. The nurse gave me a sympathetic look. "No one is on the visitation list. That doesn't mean anything. I don't have that kind of knowledge about you being discharged. I can try to find out for you. That'll be up to the doctor," she told me.
"Of course, thank you." I replied. She left, closing the door. I began eating the food. It tasted really good. I didn't realize how starved I was. I saw the remote on the table. I turned on the television and began scrolling the channels. I couldn't find anything really interesting on. So, I turned on the music station. I never got a chance to listen to a bunch of music. They were playing a variety of bands, artists and songs that I had heard from the students at school. A nurse came by and asked if I needed anything. I asked if I could have a notebook and pencil.
Ten minutes later, I began doing some homework. I read the history book Jesi promised me. Took some notes and focused on getting information. I spent most of the day doing that. I wanted to get as much information as I could. I learned a lot about our nation's history and the wars that were fought. A nurse brought lunch. Tomato soup, grilled cheese sandwich, and buttered crackers. One nurse, a young man stopped by to take the trays away. He has spiked dark red hair. Diamond blue eyes, pale skin, slender, but athletic. He wore a bright blue cotton shirt, matching slacks, and black sneakers. "Whatcha working on?" he asked.
"Trying to not get so behind on the school projects. I want to do as much research as I can while I'm here. I don't have a lot to do, and the more notes, and research and facts I have written down. The better prepared I'm going to be when I finally get access to a computer," I explained to him. "Ah, well it's nice to see kids so dedicated to their education," he praised me. "Well, we have to do our best if we want something of a decent life," I said. He sighed. "I don't think anyone should have to try harder than another to be happy in life. Or to have basic needs and wants," he said to me. I agreed with him. He took the trays and left.
After the nurse brought me dinner, a knock came to my door. I got up and answered it. I froze when I saw who stood there. I may not remember much about when I was poisoned, but I did recognize the general. He was supposed to be imprisoned. I backed away from the door. "How are you here?" I asked. Voice breaking. I backed up all the way to the wall. He took a couple steps into the room, closing the door behind him. He smiled at me. He looked like a predator cornering his prey. I honestly felt like a rabbit, cornered by a wolf. I didn't know who could help me anyways. "You really think that prison would be able to hold me?" he asked me.