June 28th
Beyoncé
6:10
I sat up in bed before throwing my legs off. I looked back at Shane to make sure he was fully asleep. I slowly opened the drawer and grabbed the journal slowly closing it back. I stood up and tiptoed out the room before closing the door softly.
"Mommy?" I heard a soft raspy voice call from behind me making me jump.
"Blue baby" i panted. She was rubbing her low tired eyes. "What are you doing up?"
"I had a nightmare" my face soften and I walked to her bending down to her level.
"You wanna tell mommy about it?" She shook her head and looked down.
"When is sissy coming home?" By that question I knew the nightmare was about being with Candace. I sigh softly and gazed away.
"Hopefully soon" i finally answered. Stroking her curly hair out her face. She nodded sadly. "Look how about you go get in mommy's bed and see if that helps yeah?" She nodded. I kissed her forehead and she ran off into the room. I stools up from my squat and sighned.
I went downstairs and grabbed a Carmel coffee from the fridge. I went to my original spot and sat down in the chair turning on the lamp. I opens my coffee and took a quick sip. I placed it on the table and sat back in my seat. I looked at the journal for a moment and blew out a sharp breath preparing myself to read this again. I slowly opened the page to where I left off gazing the hand writing I bit my lip harshly before I let my eyes take off with reading.
"Ok" I muttered to myself before I started reading.
October 18th.
Have you ever felt like your soul died while your body was still alive? Well I have to think being raped touched don't or bullied is something horrible no... a man threatening to kill your mother infront if you is. I still don't k or hoe it took place but my mother came home the other day with a man holding a gun to her head and her hands up while crying he yelled at her telling her g her to shut up or he'll blow her brains out infront me.
"Oh my god" I muttered. All this time she was full of hate and hurt when she came. She needed help.
He told my mom if she sells me to him then he'll let her go. Thank god she is no fool and knows how to play her game she told him she would but she had to run upstairs to get my medicine. Lie. I didn't have medicine but she said that to go upstairs to the second phone and call the cops. Which she did they came and arrested him out of our house. I felt like if he had the chance to even have the gun to her head he could have pulled the trigger any moment not only on her but on Me. I decided to stay with my grandmother for a while after that. Did my mother like it? No. But she knew why and she knew what it caused me. I'm sorry but this is going to be a short one I have no words honestly.
I shook my head sadly while holding i hon my tears and turned to the next page.
October 19th
I know this won't get read by anyone but if it does I hope you understand me and my words. My life isn't the perfect life that I'm sure every teenager has. I know people go through things but what I go through or have been through is no comparison. I have no father never met him talk to him not anything. And when I ask I get in trouble for it. I had to finally realize he's never gonna come around and this is all I've got. This journal and my mother. But I feel like my mother made me write in this because she knows I have no one to talk to, even her she is never here. And when I do find the courage to talk she just goes in her room and shuts the door saying she isn't tired maybe tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and it never happens.
Pain. That word is written all over this journal. And I feel like a shit load for the way I treated her. She's not even here for me to apologize or hold her or kiss her. But who would've known she went through this, when she got back she wanted to go back to Candace. But why? All of this pain and hurt and she wanted to go back to it. I couldn't take it o read enough of this and I still have another one to read. I read everything I needed to know in this one it's time for me to see how she feels now. I can't really fix the last but I know that I can fix now and this next journal is her now and I need to know what's been going on and how she been feeling.
I decided that this was enough if her past it's time to work on the future and fixing it not only for her happiness but her happiness with being here with us as family to accept that I'm her mother and this is where she belongs. I got myself together before turning the lamp off and heading upstairs. I slowly opens the door and tiptoed in and slowly opened the drawer placing the book inside before closing it and laying down. I sighed ad I got comfortable and looked at the ceiling. Lost in my thoughts.
"Bey?" I heard Shawn's raspy voice call. I looked over and smiled softy.
"Yeah?"
"Are you ok? you been getting out of bed a lot lately" I nodded slightly and kissed his head.
"I'm fine. Go back to sleep." I turned over on my side. And blink bashfully slowly. Just looking at the wall before my eyes got heavy and I went to sleep.
11:00
I groaned angrily hearing my alarm going off on my ear. I forgot I had my second session today. I turned over and grab the clock throwing it making it hit the wall and break making the batteries fall out.
"Woahh lil mama go easy" I heard Shawn say. I rolled my eyes and pulled the cover over my head. I heard shuffling from him picking up the clock before I felt the bed dip. He pulled the cover back softly off my face.
"You gotta get up bey" he smiled I huffed and brushed my frizzy curls out my face.
"I'm tired" I whined pulling the cover back.
"Yeah because you been getting up at 5:00 and 6:00 in the morning." He chuckled before he got serious. "Are you sure you're ok?" I looked away. I wanted to tell him I did but I only knew he would try to find someone or something that involved her past and I don't want any more of the commotion.
"Yeah I'm fine just don't sleep well at night." I lied. He nodded.
"Maybe you can talk about it in therapy today" i nodded and agreed following along. He kissed my head and patted my butt twice.
"Come on, up and at it I started breakfast" he said walking out the door. I sigh and got up. I went to me closet and picked out some simple jeans and a white top. I decided I'd go casual since i'll be there for a while. I went to the bathroom and took a quick shower, brushed my teeth, got dressed and did my hair. I put it in a high ponytail letting my curls flow down my back. After ie cleaned up I went downstairs running into blue and Shawn.
"Hi mommy" blue said sweetly. I smiled and kissed her head.
"Hey baby girl. How'd you sleep?" I asked remembering what happened.
"Better" she shrugged.
"Yeah better since you slept with mommy" I tickled her little stomach causing her to let out soft giggles.
"Here you go my babies" Shawn borough is our good. I smiled and sat down and we began to eat.
"So have you made that phone call yet?" Shawn looked at me. I cleared my throat and shook my head.
"No" I spoke. "But how could I she left her phone here" I said sadly sagging my shoulders.
"Aww man" he rubbed his face. "Call solange" I shook my head.
"Uhn,uhn. That girl hates me" she shook his head.
"Bey she doesn't hate you come on" no matter what they said about them not hating me. I know Solange does. She never in her life talked to me the way she did.
"I know my sister" is aid final. He hummed with a nod.
"Mommy?" I looked over at blue who was looking at me.
"Hmm?" I answered with my mouth full.
"Did sissy leave because you were mean to her?" My heart sunk. As much as I tired tot honk of the hood of her leaving it only made me think of why she left. Me. I looked at Shawn and he just looked blankly at me.
"I-well" I cleared my throat. "I" I couldn't fix my lips to speak.
"Baby girl she didn't leave because of mommy. She just needed to get away from the truth of things for a while but when she comes back everything will be ok" Shawn spoke for me. she nodded and begin to eat. I jus y looked at her as tears formed in my eyes. I shouldn't have done what I did but especially in front of blue.
"I-I gonna get going I don't want to be late" I cleared the lump out of my throat.
"Bey-" Shawn began i shook my head.
"I'll be fine I can get it all out in therapy today" he nodded.
"Ok. I'm gonna drop blue off at Kelly's I'll be going to the studio so if you home before me you know why" I nodded.
"Yeah. Ok" I kissed his lips and went to kiss blues. "See you later" I spoke leaving.
Solange
10:00
Today was quite a busy day I just had dropped Julez off at his soccer game and now I'm on my way to stop Amariana off for her 30 minute session with the therapist she said she had a few solutions she wants to go over with Amariana about.
"So have you talked to your mother?" I glanced at Amariana.
"No how could I I left my phone there" I nodded.
"I'll get you one later today" she nodded.
"What's the point. She hates Me" she said shaking her head.
"She doesn't hate you" I chewed my lip. "She is jsut triggered a-"
"At the situation" she finished nodding her head. "I know. I've heard that one before" I sighed and shook my head. I didn't know what else to say it we can't keep trying to baby talk her she's 14 she knows these things. We pulled up to the building and I walked her in before leaving.
I was in a hurry because I had a meeting about the movie bring it all or nothing. I decided I'd stop and get some coffee. I wanted something quick so I just ran into Starbucks.
"Hi how May I help you?"
"Can I get just a Carmel Frappuccino" she nodded.
"One Frappuccino coming up" I nodded and stood to the side while waiting.
"And so we meet again" I turned around seeing Candace brother I scoffed and rolled my eyes.
"You know know for someone who has a crazy ass criminal sister you sure do go out a lot." He chuckled and came up to me.
"Well I'm not my sister" he smiled it rolled my eyes.
"Oh you made that very clear at the airport with your little threat." I crossed my arms.
"I didn't threat you it was a warning and how was it a threat to you if you say you didn't do it it know who did it" I rolled my eyes and turning back around until I felt a tight grip turning me back around. I looked being closed to his face as he got in mine.
"If I find out that you know who killed my sister you're gonna wish you never knew" he gritted.
"Let me go" I hissed quietly looking around making sure nobody saw.
"Do you understand?" He squeezed tighter. I fought my arm out of his grip but he only held tighter.
"Let go"
"You wanna play with me?" He hissed.
"Let go" I began to get louder as his grip got tighter. It felt like he was squeezing my circulation from my wrist.
"Who did it?" He grab my face making me look at him. Evil. That's all I saw his eyes was dark and he nostrils were flaring like a wolf.
"LET ME GO" I yelled. I looked and all eyes were on us.
"Is this man bothering you?" A older man came up to me. I nodded.
"Aye man maybe you should leave" he spoke jermain looked at me with a cold stare I looked away.
"Yeah alright I'll go" he nodded before looking me in my eyes. I wanted to look away but for some reason he had me locked in. "Remember what I told you" he spoke final before leaving. My heart dropped to my ass. I gotta call Shawn.
"Are you alright ma'am" I turned around and met eyes with him.
"Yeah.I'm fine thank you" he nodded.
"Carmel Frappuccino" I heard I took a breath and went and grabbed my coffee and paid before leaving. I dialed Shawn number because I knew if I didn't do it now it would only bother me in the interview.
"Hello" he picked up. I cleared my throat.
"S-Shawn we have a problem."
"What going on. Is my daughter okay?" He rushed out.
"Yeah she's fine but I'm not" I breathe out feeling nauseous.
"What's going on?"
"Umm" I hit my lip fixing my lips to say this. I really hated to bring this to them after all they've been through. I'm supposed to help removing half it the stress that's why I have Amariana but her safety is first and if this man tried something who knows what I can do myself.
"Solo. You there?" I shook my head and rubbed my temple.
"Yeah yeah I'm here." I huffed. "Do you know anything about Candace having a brother?" I heard shuffling as if he sat up.
"N-no"
"Well she does and we ran into him at the airport. And I just ran into him about five minutes ago at Starbucks." I confessed.
"Are you serious?"
"As a heart attack" I nodded a dig he could see.
"What did he say?" I tucked my lips.
"Well he said who ever killed his sister will pay. Then just now he practically tried to break my wrist" I looked at my bruised wrist that was turning purple.
"Wait hold up. He put his hands on you?" I sighed.
"Yes but I'm fine Shawn really" I tied to speak but he cut me off.
"No I'm coming to New Orleans" my heart stopped.
"What?" I asked.
"Yes I'm not having it this time and my child is with you right now. No I'm coming to handle that"
"Shawn are you out of your mind just stay there with Beyoncé and blue they need you"
"And so do you. What if my daughter was with you when that happened and he shouldn't be putting his hands on my sister anyway." I breathed out frustrated.
"Shawn we are fine I just thought you should know"
"Solo you have two kids alone and that man is on the loose and is capable of got knows what. do you really think you can handle that?" I didn't say anything. He was right I never been I to thing like this now I know I can whoop some ass but these Moore's just get crazier and crazier.
"Shaw-" i tried.
"I'm coming to New Orleans" he spoke final before hanging up. I plopped my head back on the seat and closed my eyes sighing.
"Maybe back to Houston it is" I spoke continuing my drive.
Amariana
12:10
"So Amariana how have things been going so far with the new tool?" My therapist asked points to the rubber band. I moved it and showed the bruised that it causes.
"Ok I guess. I don't really know how to appreciate something that is bruising me but better than a knife I will say" I chuckled she nodded.
"Well I wanted to bring you in for a few more solutions." I nodded listening. "In our last session I realized you said that you write in a journal about you feeling correct?"
"Y-yeah" I nodded. She hummed.
"Have you ever thought of letting someone read it" my breathing hitched.
"Actually I-i left them for my mom to read" she nodded.
"But while your away?" I nodded
"It was the only way for her to hear me" she nodded
"But how is she supposed to fix those things you wrote down if your away?" I bit my lip and shrugged. "Well I think a good tool is when you do go back and things are still a bit clumsy not saying they are" she reassured. "But if so I want you to write your feeling and give her your journal every time you write did he can fix those things" I nodded my head.
"I guess." She nodded. "But I don't think I'm going back anytime soon." I chuckled.
"Why do you say that?" She softened her face.
"You just don't know how much she hates me right now" I shook my head.
"Sweet heart I don't think she hates you. I think she actually loves you dearly when you ain't explained your relationship with your mother I knew it want that you guys don't love each other. It's because you don't know how to show it. You spent your life loving and calling a different woman mom and she spent her live living a toddler that's your sister. She didn't know how to love the teenager that was once her baby girl"
I love Beyoncé with everything in me she's showed me so much love her coming to save me the way she did I knew and I faced it that she is my mother and it can't change. But w r just can't show it for some reason and when we get so close well you know what happens.
"My aunt told me that" I spoke. She nodded.
"And she is right. But you personally seem to find it hard to except the truth" I nodded agreeing. "It's okay if you need time to believe it but that doesn't mean show it. Don't go around evil about it because this is how it had to be. Jus liek you can't expect that it's true they have to believe it true. Especially Beyoncé. She got her baby girl back" I tucked my lips holding on my tears.
"I wish I could take somethings back I said" I shook my head letting my tears fall freely. "When I first got there and wha tied to me leaving. It was my fault in the beginning and I-i feel like a burden" i cried. She shook her head handing me tissue.
"Baby girl you're not a burden. You're not." You're not disposable either. I know you feel like if you didn't do this or do that none of this would've happened but truth is, it was good for you to get all that anger out you could've did it a better way but it was needed." I nodded cleaning myself up. "Listen there's nothing wrong with any of this it's completely normal and with you being the child of Beyoncé" she gasped making me laugh and well as she did. "It's good for these things your all normal human beings like any one else. Your not disposable and your not a burden your love. You bring love to that family you all just had a rough patch that it going to be fixed and not time"
"I guess I'm one of a kind" I flipped my hair and smiled as she laughed.
"There you go baby you got it" she smiled. "Listen" she spoke seriously. "I want you to journalist about good things about your self. I notice you blame your self a lot." I nodded
"Yeah" I spoke in a raspy voice.
"Which is why I want you to right good things about your self and to tell your self it's not your fault. It one thing if someone else tells you but do you your self fell like it's not." I broke into thought ever since this all happened I always thought it was my fault. Maybe it was time for me to see it's not and this is a way for me to move foward.
"Yeah I can do that" she nodded.
"Good. Now I want you to write and think good of yourself it's not your fault" she looked me in my eyes. "And maybe you can write some goals down like a better relationship with your mother to fix things" she nodded
"Yeah" I bit my lip.
"Ok well that was our hour session. I expect to see some writing in a journal" she spoke. I smiled and nodded.
"Don't worry there will be" I stood up as well as she did. She came and gave me a hug.
"I'll see you next session baby girl" I nodded in her chest.
"You too" we released and I walked out. I looked outside seeing auntie solo wasn't there usually she'll be here but she wasn't. I sat back and waited. 5 minutes turned into 10, 10 turned into 20. Before I heard honking I looked and she was pulling up. I got up and went out to the car.
"The hell you been Knowles" I yelled playfully causing her to pop my legs.
"Girl hush I almost broke down on the Side of the road out of gas." I nodded "how was it?"
"Uhh" I breathe out. "It was good she told me to write more but share it with Beyoncé" she nodded
"Good" she spoke before we went silent. "Oh here" I looked and she had a iPhone 13 box in her hand.
"Holy shit thanks auntie solo" I smiled widely taking the box from her taking the phone out.
"Of course. And here out these on it, I don't need you breaking it" she handed me a case and screen protecter. I nodded
"Your contacts and Al that is set up already. And you should be getting an import call later" I scrunched my face.
"From who?" She shrugged.
"I don't know your father told me" I nodded.
After we picked up julez we stop and got some lunch and we decided to go to the movies. We came home to get cleaned up. Right now I'm in my bathroom going my wet curly hair since I just go out the shower. I put my hair in a high slick bun not wanting it out for it to get tangled. I did my baby hairs before cleaning up I had on a black croptop with black jeans and I had a jacket just in case it got chilly in the theater. I grabbed my white and Black dunks. Before sitting on my bed putting them on. I'm the process of me tieing them my phone rung.
I grabbed it and placed in between my ear and shoulder.
"Hello" I spoke
"Hi baby" a deep southern voice spoke. My eyes widen and I sat up slowly holding the phone with my now hand.
"Beyoncé?"
Ooo y'all.
Thoughts?
Shawn coming to New Orleans?
Candace brother threatening solo?
Amariana therapist?
The phone call with Beyoncé and Amariana?