☆ Why me. ☆
~~~
12 February 1976
"We should probably get up" sirius said softly and remus snapped to reality and his eyes fluttered open, they probably should it was 10 o'clock on a Saturday morning, but what was the point
Go out and be looked at like something on display, words spread and eveyone new what happened, more like snippets not the real storie but the stories were enough to make people look and remus hated knowing people were looking at him and his very visible scars splayed along his bodie
It wasn't like they hadn't looked before, but now remus didn't have one of tow new scars along him, he had evey scar on his bodie he had ever gotten red and visible and sticking out like a saw thumb
Sirius was the only one that had been up close enough to see the old and healed scars he got from his early days, but now here eveyone was able to see scars he had forgotten about
And one inpartcical haunted him, the one on his hip bone that had grown with him and remus couldn't even bare to look at himself in the mirror and remus wondered how sirius was even looking at him
He felt bad, he thought this wouldn't affect him but it was, it was hitting him hard and he felt bad that he couldn't get out of bed or even pretend to be happy, he hated himself
"Moons" sirius said with sadness laced in his vocie and remus ached knowing he couldn't help he didn't know how, he was probably the cause of the sadness and remus wanted to through himself out the window
"Moons" sirius said again lifting his head from remus chest and looking over remus and sirius held remus face and his thumb flew cricles around his wet cheeks and remus sniffled, oh he was crying
Remus's hummed in response to sirius to lazy to form words and sirius gave him a gentle smile
"Stop thinking" he said softer and remus was so tired the only thing keeping his eyes open was the cricles sirius was drawing on his cheeks
"Can't help it"
"What are you thinking about, tell me" sirius said softly but remus couldn't be bothered to be another burden for him "please"
God, sirius was so hard to say no tow and apparently his tounge agreed because it Let the words escape
"How can you still look at me with so much love when I look like this, I'm an beast" he said softly and sirius opened his mouth to speak but remus grabbed his chin gently and kissed him gently and sirius kissed back
"Don't lie, I know you think it, eveyone does a tiny bit"
Sirius was slient he was moveing his mouth but nothing was comeing out and his eyes were watering and remus wasn't surprised wasn't even mad, he was a beast that was who he was
"Never, say that again, stop thinking turn that brain off, God moons please never say that again" she said bringing there forheads together "you are not a beast, you are beautiful with a few scars but we all have them, fuck moons your not a beast"
Oh, why did remus feel better after he heard that, oh why did he want to belive him, but he couldn't belive him he was a beast just like grey back
"The wolf" remus sobbed
"Is you, he's apart of you and he is also beautiful, many people will say he isn't but he is gorgeous" sirius said behide his sobs and kissed remus again
He didn't deserve sirius fuck, sirius deserved happiness not to be curled up in a room with remus who couldn't even love himself, he loved sirius so much and he felt so guilty makeing sirius worried like this
Time had past and it was past lunch, james had come back and forth and Peter was hear and there and they all came up with worried looks, remus didn't know how to act he didn't want them to worry but honestly he was so emotionally drained to care
"Go" remus said watching sirius walk back to the bed
"Huh?"
"Go, I heard james arked you to go fly with him, go" remus said again and sirius smiled
"You trying to get rid of me moons" he said walking back to the bed but remus was serious, he wanted sirius to go enjoy his life, remus hated someone worrying over him he was fine
"I know you want to go" remus said getting up from the bed and sirius gave him a worried look as remus held his hip while he walked
"It still bothering you" sirius said softly and remus couldn't focus on walking in pain the way sirius was breathing and talking at the same time so he just grunted and sirius gave him another worried look and remus ignored it
"Effie sent me some stuff that will help" sirius said happily, but remus felt his annoyance for himself the day his hip turn into anger, why did he have to tell Effie
"You told Effie" remus said harshly and instantly feeling bad for his tone of vocie
"Yea, she arks if you had finally gotten over yourself and arksed for help with your hip and when I said no she sent me some stuff" he smiled again and remus laughed humoursly, why was he so angry sirius was trying to help
But remus didn't arks for his help and now Effie potter knows he has a sore hip so now she will worry over remus and remus already felt like he was over stepping the friendship, he didn't need to add to Effie potters worries
"Why" remus said turning to sirius "I didn't arks you to"
"I wanted to help" he smiled and remus felt even more annoyed, he was sore and irritated and his skin was burning around his itchy stiches
"Well don't, I didn't arks for it" his words were venomous, but he had this need to push sirius away, push sirius away now and he won't go down with you, you can't hurt him if he is gone
"You never arks for it" sirius said dropping his smile and remus new there was a argument boiling but he couldn't help himself
"So I don't need it" remus said scrunching his eyebrows "I got bye fine on my own before"
"What happened, why are you upset" sirius said softly and his words were calm and remus wanted them to be venomous he wanted sirius to Yell and scream
"Why do you wanna know? so you can go tell eveyone about my shit, or better yet go tell Snape" he went to far but he couldn't stop the words flowing into the air
"Stop remus, your being mean" sirius spoke and and remus new he was but he wanted to be and he didn't even know why, he was just so fucking angry at the scars at people at the stiches at fuck dumbldore fuck he was even mad about the taste of the air, and sirius was in shooting distance
"What did that hurt, poor sirius blacks feelings oh my bad"
What was he doing God he hated himself even more and now sirius was no longer in the dorm room and remus was locked in the bathroom
He had something amazing in his hands but it was bond to break it was bond to smash, he knew it so he was better of breaking it now then when he least expected it, push him away before remus hurts him
But he had hurt him, fuck
Remus looked up into the mirror and glanced at his shirt and peeled it up, there it was there was the scar that haunted him, the bite mark, the bite mark that turned him into this
Beast
His fingers felt hot along his skin as he ran them along the wound and he tried his hardest to not touch the stitches and he felt tears pool in his eyes, but he didn't dare shut his eyes
Because when he did he was met with the the little boy in the room, he was met with the wolf attacking a 5 year old that was exited to start big school in the morning and instead he started a new day without parents
Remus couldn't breathe he couldn't think and then suddenly he was bent over the toilet bowl and the biel in his throat was emptying and he was shakeing violently
Madem promfry said this would happen, his body would go in and out of shoke because it needed time to recover from the blow it had received, it was like his body was getting hit bye a train over and over again and he had fainted and thrown up before
The only difference was that sirius was always there, he was always holding remus and rubbing his back he was always there cleaning him up and telling him how beautiful he was
Now sirius was gone because remus pushed him away, God he was a bloody idiot
He escaped the bathroom after cleaning up and brushing his teeth, fuck he wished whatever this feeling was just left, he felt tied and annoyed but on the verge of tears all the same time it was exhausting
He found a walking stick at the of his bed and his frist thought was to snap the peace of stupid wood in half, he didn't need help, didn't want it, he didnt want another reason for people to look at him, he got closer and rilised there was red string tied around the handle with 4 charms a paw print, anterterls, a worm and the moon
Remus didn't have the erge to snap it anymore, but instead he was going to politely put it under his bed and acted like he never saw it, untill he tried it
All hale God merlin and the vrigin fucking Mary forgive remus for his sins, his hip was no longer stabbing him with pain and he could breathe he could move his feet without wincing, he still had a limp but he no longer looked like a legless penguin
there was a sigh of relief rush through his body, he didn't care that the air tasted stale and he didn't Mind that the stiches were itchy he was no longer irritated or to focused on walking with the pain of knives stabbing him to heard someone speak
He had sirius to thank, sirius his boyfriend that didn't deserve remus at all, remus pushed him away because he didn't belive him when he said he loved remus how could anyone, but sirius did this for him even after remus was a right git to him, sirius was still here some how helping and remus was starting to feel like pushing sirius away wouldn't work
And fuck he wished sirius was still here, what had he done.
Fucked up, that's what
Remus made his way into the common room, he couldn't stay in that room, not when he had spent half the day in there with sirius, he needed to find sirius apologies and pull him back to bed and grovel some more
He thought pushing sirius out would help him feel better, help him feel less like a burden for sirius but greedily remus couldn't bare the cold toll sirius absence brought, God remus was confusing him
He made his way down the stairs, slower then normal because of the walking stick but honestly If he didn't have the stick he probably would never of gotten down
"You fucked up" a vocie chrimed and remus eyes feel to Marlene and lilly sitting down on a lounge with terrot cards in there hands
"Don't remind me" he said with a huff and remus stuck his head around the common room but no raven haired boys in sight
"Hes not here, he's with james" lily spoke softly and Marlene smiled once she saw the walking stick in remus's hands
"I see your in early retirement" Marlene smiled and remus just looked sternly at her
"What happened, come tell mummy" Marlene said patting the spot next to her on the couch and remus sat down and ran a hand over his face and through his hair
"The fact that you just called yourself mummy scared me" remus laughed watching Marlene place the cards down on the table
"Sorry, mother" she said with a smile and lilly giggled rolling her eyes "now talk why is the maried couple quarrelling"
"I was mad at everything, at Snape at Regulas at fucking these scars that still look like red gashes, I was mad that the air tasted stale for fuck sake and sirius was there and I just" he sighed and they look to each other then him
"He said you got mad after he mentioned arksing Effie for help" lilly said with a apologetic smile that he didn't deserve
"I feel like a burden to him, here I am here sulking in bed because I hate people looking at me and my body hurts and I'm tried, and he's here being perfect" he sighed again
"I don't deserve him" remus said again fighting back the tremble in his hands he could feel start to build
"Remus I watched sirius absolutely fall apart when you were in the hospital, you can't push him away to protect him sirius won't let you" Marlene said softly and remus didn't even think about that "he's a stubborn one that's for sure"
"Hell, he came down here worried about you, not even mad you pushed him away for no reason, the boy loves you" lilly said with a smile and remus didn't feel any better, it just reminded him how he poured his anger out on sirius for no reason
"Loveing me doesn't work tho, I'm to much of a mess what if I hurt him, fuck" remus said with sniffle and stopped the tears falling "I can't even love myself, how am I supposed to love someone else"
"Do you love him"
"Fuck yes, more then the grains of the sand on the beach, but what if I drag him down with me"
"You tow are in way to deep to be pushing each other away now, and pushing him away is hurting him and you" Marlene said throwing an arm around remus
"Sirius isn't perfect either, but you make him laugh and he makes you laugh, be messy together" lilly added on and remus hated how there words were makeing him feel better
He needed to find sirius, he waved the grils off and walked through the common room, God he wished he didn't why did he leave bed again, oh yea to hear people gossip and look at him like he hadn't been here for 5 Years, no he was out of bed to find sirius, ignore them
"I new he had scars, I didn't know he had so many"
"It's kinda hot"
"You know how else has scars ,sirius"
"Reckon black got them from his family, I heard they-"
"You lot got anything better to do" remus spat, he new his words were venomous and he was butting In on a conversation but these grils were looking right at him while they spoke, they made eye contact with him while they spoke about him behind his back
While they spoke about sirius behide his back, if you were going to gossip do it properly atlest
The grils cowered away and remus kept walking, his walking stick he was growing very found of was walking along with him and he tried his hardest to clear his mind but he had no one to tell him to stop thinking
So his little vocie in his head wouldn't shut up
He'll hate you and never forgive you
Your horrible
There is people looking and there looking at a beast
Go back and hide in your room, sirius doesn't what to see you
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up find sirius
And that he did. He found him and james sitting bye a tree near the lake and he wobbled over with his walking stick ready to grovel, get on his knees he didn't deserve it but he wanted sirius to tell him to stop thinking
"You like it then" sirius says pointing the smoke in his hand to the walking stick and james looked back and smiled before standing up
"Hey Moony" James smiled and walked away and sirius and remus were left alone bye the tree and now remus wished he had spent his time walking down here rehearsing something to say
"I didn't then got mad and then loved it, thankyou" remus said awkwardly and sat down next to sirius awkwardly
"Did you want something out of that outburst before" sirius scouffed and remus cringed at the sound
"Would you be mad if I wanted a reaction, I wanted you to Yell back"
"You can't push me out moons, it's not fare" he said rasply and remus noticed his eyes glassed over "I was trying to help, I'm sorry I should of told you about Effie"
"Don't apologise" remus said again and fuck he didn't think one could cry this much "I snapped at you because you were there, you were there trying to help and I snapped at you for no reason"
Sirius stayed quite and placed his head onto remus shoulder and remus relaxed into his hold
"I'm still mad, but I forgive you" he said softly and remus felt like he didn't deserve any forgiveness thrown his way but guilty let it make him feel better, he was to tired and very much missed the smell of sirius
So he just let himself lean on sirius, maby he was loveable, he was loveable sirius made that very obvious but mabye he was worth love and mabye he could let people love him
Sirius giggled, and fuck remus loved that sound and wanted to hear it for the rest of his bloody life
"What?" Remus arksed with a smile on his face and he felt like he hadn't smiled in days
"James owes me 10 galleons"
"For what?"
"Getting you tow use the walking stick, I honestly thought I would have to give you a blow job" sirius laughed again and remus turned his head to look at sirius
"I knew I should of snapped it" remus grumbled and sirius laughed again
"Well you didn't and now james owes me and Marlene 10 galleons"
"I demand a profit" remus smirked and sirius gave him a smiled
"Would a blow job be enough" he questioned and remus rolled his eyes
"5 galleons and a blow job" remus smirked and sirius hit his side and remus laughed alongside him
"How about a blowjob and kiss from the most handsome wizard in the world" sirius grinned and remus rolled his eyes
"How am I supposed to kiss myself" remus smirked and sirius hit his side before clicking his tounge
They layed there, side bye side and watched the clouds float over them, sirius held remus hand and remus wasn't watching the sky he was watching the way sirius would get overly excited eveytime he found a shape In the sky
"A sheep there and a, well that looks like hagrid can't tell me wrong, and Minnie in cat form and" he trailed off and turned his head to face remus and remus just layed there in the long grass in the sun soacking in sirius presence and making up for the hours they had spent fighting and remus couldn't stare at his beautiful face
"Your not even looking" sirius pouted and remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath
"Nope, I was looking at something better" he smiled his eyes still shut and remus couldn't seen anything but felt sirius sit up
"Were did you go" remus whined opening his eyes after reaching out and finding nothing and sirius had climbed the tree
"You can't stay still for tow seconds can you" remus laughed and sirius didn't respond and remus smiled, he can be happy he was aloud to be, his scars couldn't stop him not even grey back
~~~