Fade in to Rayner and Horizon by Blue Base.
Rayner: So what brought you here my fair lady?
Horizon: I was on route to seize the security of a debtor who missed their deadline when I recalled where you were posted. Seeing as it was on the way there, I thought that I'd exercise my faithfulness as your lover by visiting you.
Rayner: Awww~ I love you to-wait, does that mean you're going already?
Horizon: Affirmative. This was never meant to be a long visit.
Rayner: Aww man. N-Not that I'm ungrateful or anything! I'm actually really glad you came. Though I wished we had more time to spend together to, y'know, cuddle and stuff.
After a brief silence, Horizon reaches up to Rayner's head and grabs on to his blue helmet, his hand following hers. Getting the hint he helps her take it off, exposing his raven locks to fresh air-well, as fresh as you can get in the middle of a hot canyon.
Horizon: It seems that both of our responsibilities has put a strain on how much we can enjoy each other's company. How about we rectify said error the next time both of us are unoccupied?
Rayner: Oh~? Correct me if I'm wrong but, sounds to me that you're asking me out on a date.
Horizon: I suppose I am. Though for this next one, allow me to arrange our itinerary.
Rayner: A date, orchestrated by Horizon herself, I must be dreaming~.
Horizon: *giggles* Well, I must be off now. I have already called in for another Pelican to take me on the rest of my journey.
Rayner: Alrighty then. Though next time you come visit I'll introduce you to the guys proper, yeah?
Horizon: I would rather not. If that yellow organism is any indication, I cannot fathom how more idiotic the rest of them can be.
Rayner: Speaking of, why'd you came here with a red?
Horizon: Because she's not. Due to the military's lack of coordination and professionalism she is meant to be sent to Blue team despite the contrasting armor colour. Which is why I had hitched a ride with her in the first place. It had turned out to be the worst decision I've ever made.
Rayner: Hehe, looks like you already got a preview of what it's like here. Well, go on then, don't let me keep you cause I will.
Contemplating for a moment, Horizon then made a decision. She got on the tip of her toes, eyes closing as her head leans forward. She goes for a kiss... only to find nothing as she's still to short to reach Rayner's face. Seeing this Rayner chuckles, before going down to meet her halfway. Their lips touch as they share a short heartfelt kiss before they part ways.
Horizon: Goodbye for now, Kyle.
Rayner: See you later, Horizon.
And with that, the blue haired girl turns and leaves. Rayner watches her walk away before putting his helmet back on and goes back to join the rest of the blues.
Rayner: Alright, let's see what we've got to deal with.
Cut to the Reds and Grif's Sister.
Simmons: Oh my God what's wrong with you, why didn't you tell us you were a Blue?
Grif's Sister: Because-
Simmons: And don't say "because nobody asked".
Grif's Sister: But nobody did ask!
Simmons: God dammit.
Grif: So what if she is a Blue? We'll still keep her.
Simmons: We can't do that. She's on the other team, she'll kill us in our sleep if we keep her.
Grif's Sister: Do I get to do that? That would be awesome!
Grif: No she wouldn't. Besides she's colour-blind. We'll just tell her we're Blues.
Simmons: Uh, hello, we already told her we're Red? Idiot.
Grif: Yeah? Well she's fucking dumb, too. Hey, we're Blue now.
Grif's Sister: Woohoo, go Blue, let's win!
Grif: See?
Simmons: Oh please, she'll figure it out.
Grif: No she won't. In high school she got kicked off of the cheerleading squad three times for rooting for the wrong team.
Simmons: No, she can't stay. I know, we'll tell the Blues that we took her prisoner. Maybe we can get something outta this mess.
Grif: No way, we can't send her over there, they'll kill her!
Simmons: Why would they kill her Grif, she's Blue. It's not like the Blue team goes around killing its own members.
Grif: Oh, right, because she's a Blue. And if she's over there, then the only people that would be trying to kill her, would be us.
Simmons: Exactly.
Grif: And that means she'd be safe. Because we're like the shittiest team ever.
Simmons: Well, I don't know about that. As our new leader, I have some pretty bold plans to-
Grif: But you're not the leader. It was a misunderstanding. You're the guy who buried our leader.
Simmons: You helped! We're in this together.
Grif: No, I made digging noises with my mouth. Remember?
Simmons: Oh God, get me a shovel! (runs off toward the base)
Grif: Yeah, um... Okay, you're a Blue.
Grif's Sister: Touchdown! Woohoo, go Blue!
Grif: No, I mean we're Red, but you're Blue. That means you've gotta get outta here before Simmons digs up Sarge.
Grif's Sister: I love digging! I wanna help.
Grif: No, you're leaving.
Grif's Sister: Where're we going?
Grif: The other base.
Grif's Sister: The Red base?
Grif: No, the Blue base.
Grif's Sister: We have two bases? Awesome!
Grif: Move!
Cut to Church and Caboose on top of a hill near Blue base as Tucker approaches.
Tucker: Hey have you guys seen Doc? I need him to babysit for a while.
Church: Yeah I got him talkin' to Sheila. She's been actin' real wacky lately.
Tucker: Oh yeah? You mean weirder than your average talking tank?
Church: Don't be snarky.
Tucker: Sorry dude, it's the hormones. I just had a baby!
Church: Yeah, Sheila's been acting kinda distant and weird. Plus she's been saying these random threatening things. Kinda reminds me of somebody else.
Tucker: So why is Doc talking to her?
Church: What, you didn't hear the "threatening" part I just said? I'm not goin' over there.
Tucker: Why not send Caboose? Aren't they like, in love or something?
Church: Dude, I've had all the cross-species babies that I can take for a while. The last thing I need is a junior Caboose runnin' around with a hundred and thirty millimeter cannon for a head. Your little devil-spawn is enough for me.
Tucker: Don't talk about my kid like that.
Church: What's your deal?
Tucker: I don't know, I think I'm kinda getting in to this whole parenting thing. I caught myself looking at minivans the other day. Gruuhgh.
Church: Of course you are. That's why you need a babysitter for a newborn. I'll be sure to nominate you for Dad of the Year.
Tucker: Don't judge me.
Church: Anyway, Doc's gonna figure out what's wrong with her and give her a little tune-up.
Tucker: But Doc's not a mechanic, he's a doctor. 'n not a doctor, a medic. I guess he's not really a medic either 'cause he's never really helped anyone. He's just some annoying guy that we know, with purple armour, who's annoying. Point is, Doc's not a mechanic.
Church: I know. I figure Doc's mechanic skills are probably about as bad as his first aid skills. He's either gonna fix her by accident, or make her completely inoperable, and then I can go down there and figure out what's really goin' on. Either way, I win. Oh, he might also get blown up by her, that's also good.
Cut to Doc in front of Sheila.
Doc: Yeah maybe Yoga lessons weren't such a guhood idea after all. Let's try some deep breathing. In through the air filter... out through the manifold... in through the air filter... out through the manifold.
Sheila aims at Doc's forehead
Doc: Uh, okay, why don't we try some aversion therapy. Think about something that makes you really angry, that isn't me.
Sheila: Sure.
Cut to Church looking at Sheila through the sniper rifle as she aims directly at him.
Church: Uhhh, yeah... I don't feel as good about my plan as I used to.
Grif: Hey Blues!
Church: Aw crap, here we go. They must have figured out how fucked up our team is right now. Oh shit, they even brought their new guy t-
Tucker: Girl.
Church: What ever! Just play along. Act like our team is okay, and we have everything under control.
Tucker: Please, I been puttin' on that act for like three years now.
Church: What do you want, Red?
Grif: I got a prisoner for you!
Church: What'd he say?
Tucker: He says he has a prisoner for us.
Church: Oh what, they're giving us prisoners now? Dude, that sounds like bullshit, I smell a trap.
Tucker: Reds aren't that smart.
Church: Okay normally I would agree with that. But this is the orange one, he's pretty crafty. He's a lot like me.
Tucker: Like you? Shit. Then do I have time to put in my ear plugs and hide all our food?
Church: Up yours, dickhead. Why would they wanna give us one o' their guys?
Tucker: Why're you asking me?
Church: Oh right. Why're you giving us one o' your guys as a prisoner?
Grif: She's one of your guys! She came to our side by mistake! What's their deal, why aren't they going for this? We have to hurry. I gotta get back before Simmons digs up Sarge.
Church: I don't buy this.
Rayner: Actually, he's right this time.
Church: Holy shit! Where the fuck did you come from!?
Rayner: Back from my little rendezvous with my beau, for however short it was. Anyways, yeah, she's a new blue.
Church: Then why is she wearing yellow armor!?
Rayner: Eh, beats me. (to Grif) Hey why are you so eager to send her this way anyway?
Grif: Uhm, no reason. It w- it was an honest mistake, uh you can have her back now, no harm, no foul. I wa- look man, if Sarge finds out she was a blue this whole time he might shackle her, or worse, hurt her. Can you just hurry up and take her? I promise my little sister won't bother you much, maybe, probably.
Church: Yeah, this is bullsh--
Rayner: Wait, she's your sister?
Grif: Uhh, depends on which answer will most likely get you to take her.
Church: What!? She's your sis--
Rayner: We'll take her.
Tucker: Awhhaw yeah! New girl.
Church: As I've said, what the fuck!?
Grif: Wait, seriously?
Rayner: I promise, as a fellow older brother, well former older brother, that we won't intentionally hurt her.
Grif: .... Alright, thanks, I guess?
Tucker: Oh-oh! Wait, let's ask for something else.
Church: Uh, that's right! We want something else as compensation.
Grif: What? I'm releasing a hostage! You don't negotiate up from there!
Tucker: Got any money?
Grif: Fuck you dude! (to Sister) Get going, call me if you have any problems, and don't go near any Reds from now on. I'll try to keep our team distracted so they can't attack you. Whatever you do, don't embarrass the family. Think of mom.
Grif's Sister: Don't do me any favours, bitch.
Church: What else was on the ship?
Grif: What do you mean!?
Church: Yeah like guns, or weapons...
Tucker: Or snacks! Dude, I'm just asking 'cause I know you wanted to.
Grif: Nope, just the girl. Sorry, there weren't any more aliens for you guys to fuck!
Tucker: That's okay, we can still fuck this one!
Grif's Sister: Woohoo!
Grif: God dammit! Never mind, just send her back!
Church: No takebacks!
Grif: Aw, what the fuck!?
Rayner: Don't worry man! I won't let them force her, unless she wants it herself, I guess.
Simmons approaches and joins Grif.
Simmons: Oh my God, Grif, he's gone!
Grif: Who's gone?
Simmons: Sarge! He's missing! I dug up his grave and he's not in there.
Grif: What? Did you dig in the right spot?
Simmons: Oh, you're right, maybe I dug up one of the other fresh graves that we just made. I didn't fucking think of that!
Grif: Oh calm down.
Simmons: Don't tell me to be calm, we're down two men now! Ah, at least we still have the Blue prisoner we can use as leverage. Hey, what're you doing out here in the middle of the canyon?
Grif: Uhhh, nothing. So that uh, that Sarge thing's pretty crazy.
Simmons: Hey, is that your sister over there with the Blues?
Grif starts backing away...
Simmons: What's she doing over there? ...Why're they all high-fiving? Are they making a cheerleading pyramid? Whoa they're really tossing her high in the air. Grif? Grif, hey! Where'd he go?
85.4 Pilot
Grif: Whoa this thing is huge on the inside! You flew this thing all by yourself?
Sister: No, there's a bunch of guys on the crew, but they all got sick and died. My boyfriend died first and then every time I got a new boyfriend he would catch whatever it was and die too. Totally sucked. The pilot live though. And also that tiny chick with the nice legs. She kept smacking me away with a pipe, which was so hot!
Grif: There's a pilot?
Sister: Yeah, he's right over there.
Grif: Hey you're the pilot?
Pilot: Hey fuck you, I’m on break.
Grif: Can you fly us out of here?
Pilot: Fuck you, I’m in the union. I don't do shit anyone say to me.
Grif: You don't do anything? Dude, you're like my hero.
Pilot: Hey fuck you, thank you.
85.7 Sister Escapes
Simmons: Hey what happened to Sister?
Grif: What are you talking about?
Simmons: Sister. Where did she go?
Grif: Go?
Simmons: Yes.
Grif: Sister?
Simmons: Yes!
Grif: Um, my sister?
Simmons: YES!
Grif: Oh yeah she's gone. The other team took her, hostage situation, very dramatic, like an episode of 24.
Simmons: What?! She’s supposed to be on their team. How can they take a member of their own team hostage?
Grif: Oh right then she escaped uh by taking a hostage.
Simmons: What hostage?
Grif: Um, me
Simmons: But you're not a hostage, you're standing right here.
Grif: Well clearly her plan worked and she let me go. What a brilliant strategy, and I was there to see it all
Simmons: Your own little sister captured you. That’s fucking lame. Unless, did she do that thing where she wraps her legs around your head and makes you swear at her?
Grif: No. Wait, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!
Simmons: Oh it's just some submission technique she showed me when we were back at the base. You know it's the one that works better if you take off all your armor.
Grif: WHAT?!
Simmons: It's nothing. I mean she she kind of- I mean- I just- she’s just you know we- she's a real nice girl. So how about that blue team? Blue armor, huh, that's dumb.
Grif: Dude, I'm going to have to kill you now.